Vent

[pianissimo]

I will just be venting.

So, the work has gotten busy. We have been making schedules for the departments. This requires more interaction with others. It has all gotten to me. I think something crucial here is, what's happening now, the way they are making decisions, relies on some kind of past abuse. Perhaps, not abuse, but, I'm noticing, at the time I was approaching these people with no prejudice whatsoever, they had an agenda. And, that agenda at the time seems to be helping them now, because I made mistakes. It's difficult for me to watch them take advantage of my mistakes.

I think that I still keep falling for the friendly facade when they approach me. I have this hope that whatever happened in the past will be forgotten, we will all get over it, so when I'm approached by one of them, I listen for whatever issue they ask for help with. But, later, it turns out, there is something more to the issue if disclosed could change my decision at the time. This gets into my nerves a lot. I get angry with myself that I fall for it every time and with them that they can be deceptive in these little ways with such ease. I think that, this is also because, a part of me considers a few of these people as friends despite being angry with them. We are peers, and when we hang, we get along. So, each time I notice the transactional element in a conversation that feels normal in the beginning, I feel betrayed.

I'm having difficulty with a particular person who is now in charge of annual planning. I'm part of the process. There were two conversations that bothered me. In the first one, she told me she had changed her mind about something we agreed upon. The problem was that, she could just tell me that, because what she offered would be a favour to me. But, she framed her change of mind as some kind of another favour to me. Because I'm already cautious in my interactions with her, I refused this new favour. The conversation ended with the point I was OK with but tension on her part that what we originally agreed was a favour to me, so that it's OK for her to change her mind. Yes, exactly. The second conversation was when she asked a favour from me for a mutual friend. In this conversation, I think that I had the gut feeling. My immediate thought was "Why are you asking for this favour on his behalf? He could ask me himself.", but I went along with it. We agreed on something, then she told me she would ask this mutual friend if he was OK with our decision. This pissed me off because I had assumed this person already knew about the situation. Plus, nobody picks "the best favour". It was just weird. In the last one, she, again, asked for some kind of favour. In this one, I would actually opt for what she was asking for, because it was something I liked doing, but, I considered the past two conversations, and declined it. Later, it turned out, me accepting doing that good deed would put me in an awkward situation.

Bright side to all this is, I'm noticing my decision to move near work will pay off. I can't imagine the commute with them. I also scheduled things so that our paths won't cross.

But, in the end, I feel sad and alone.

[pianissimo]

So, apparently, what I'm experiencing around sorting out the annual schedule is a thing.

We are doing this through whatsapp, and I think this makes everything more confusing and incoherent.

Today, there was a change in our schedules due to the latest request made by the head of all the departments. My department's schedule wouldn't allow for that change. They asked me if I could call somebody from outside the department who would do work for us to ask him to change his schedule. I said I couldn't. They asked why. And I said sorting the current problem isn't up to me. I was going to explain how I don't have a personal relationship with that guy, and the call should be done by someone above me, but it's whatsapp chat, not much room for talking things through. In the end, the issue was sorted, but it felt like they made it a thing like "Look, how we sorted the issue pianissimo refused to deal with." I got a bit of passive aggressive remark about the format of the schedule I prepared. But, the format doesn't matter really.

Anyways, this is all petty behaviour, but writing things down helps me regulate myself. I feel like I should take notes, like these might matter later. I find these interactions provoking. The other part seems to be provoked too. But, I don't understand what we are fighting over.