The silent used to be friend . No response is a response

[Lilyloo]

Just read this. Very true

"Being honest means sharing important things with the person you care (or don't care) about. It means having the dignity to say what you really mean and spare the person of unnecessary overthinking and drama.

Them deciding to stay silent instead of being a responder tells you that they don't have the guts to say what they really want to stay. They don't have the guts to deal with hurtful things and emotions because you are not on their priority list.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Not knowing the context, for your relationship or the quote, these are my thoughts. I hope you find them helpful.

You don't have to be dominated by the emotion. As much as you are grieving right now, you can be okay, even if other people do choose not be honest with you the way you would like.

I don't think the quote is entirely true. Sometimes being honest just doesn't work for us, for good reasons or bad reasons. I can say there is silence and there is silent treatment, there is the "dropping the rope" that accompanies NC, and there is simply being overwhelmed by circumstances in their lives and somehow time goes by. Whatever the reason for your friend's silence, I guess your part is how to go about accepting their silence. You are right, that is their choice.

Overthinking and drama is likewise a choice on your part. Of course you will have your emotional response. But you can separate yourself from that storm a bit. You can notice your feelings, sit with them, journal them out, run them out, whatever healthy expression works for you, but still keep them in their place. You can take care of yourself in a mature way. There are lots of tools to help limit the rumination, allowing you to spend your precious time and thoughts on what will build you up.

This is actually very freeing. Learning how to do this for myself has made a lot more room for joy in my life. I wish joy for you too.

[treesgrowslowly]

I don't know if this applies, but one of the things I had to teach myself, was about what a 'fair weather friend' actually looks like. These are the people who are 'friends' with us, until something happens. They are 'fine', until something occurs that requires an honest conversation. It could be something relatively small, or big, but a real honest conversation is needed, in order to move forward with clarity.

A lot of people will just drop the friendship instead of having that conversation with the person they said was their 'friend'. They (for whatever reason) don't want to have that conversation with us.

It is very hard on us, especially when we are ready for deeper friendships with people. It doesn't mean that person is ready for deeper friendship with us. I have taught myself to recognize when the other person is actively avoiding the conversation that is needed so that there's clarity between us. For years I thought I could manage the friendship even if the other person refused to talk about feelings / confusion / missing information, but no. I now know that real friendships involve honesty.

They may have learned that rug sweeping is the only way to manage conflict / difference / hurt feelings. They may not know how they actually feel. They may be so focused on the superficial that they don't think about having any other focus....or we may not be on their priority list (as you mention).

We can't compel anyone to repair a rift with us, or have a conversation with us that we know is needed, but they don't want to have.

There is more and more being written all the time (by people who study trauma) about how survivors of narc abuse, have had to fight for the clarity they have in their lives, and so we become intolerant of people who try to take that clarity away. Honesty creates clarity...and not a lot of people we meet are going to recognize or honour our need for clarity in our friendships.

Their life experience has not brought them to the same places ours have.

Someone who doesn't seem to have the guts to talk to us in an honest way, can trigger us into being reminded of how miserable it was back when we first had to find a way around a person who wasn't being honest with us (i.e. back in childhood).

I agree with Call me Cordelia in that I don't think this quote applies in all cases. Sometimes we have boundaries around what we are willing to say / do with certain people in our lives. Sometimes people have those boundaries with us, and for where they are at in their life, that boundary is important to them.

Even if it is painful for us to realize, they are not going to be honest with us in the way we want. As Call me Cordelia wrote, I totally agree that there are ways to manage the pain of it when it happens.

Trees

[Lilyloo]

Thank you both! I guess the quote resonated at the time. Probably not correct. I've gone to far with this situation.    It's just that I opened my heart to that longtime friend and got nothing. Not anything. Felt like a dammed fool!

[Lilyloo]

Overthinking and drama do not appear here.  It's about hurt and my feelings are legit.  I've accepted that  what I'd give others don'twant to.  Moving on with life and don't need to tell anyone anything again.  Nature is out there.  Truthfully she is ignorant. There's more to the story but I'm tired and will give no more. I'm leaving the board for awhile to find life again

[moglow]

It's been a struggle for me, learning to let go of my expectations of others and accepting that everyone has stuff I don't necessarily know about. I know I don't always talk about my own so I assume others are the same - and none of us have to share everything anyway. I just try to give people the same grace I want and go from there.


It's just not easy to get there [past the hurt] from here [when I'm in it]. I'm sorry you're hurting.

[Lilyloo]

Moglow. ❤️