Escalation

[clarityneeded]

It's been a few years since I've posted, but what bring me back are escalating, hurtful behaviors and I think I'm deep in the FOG.

In the past week, this has all transpired:

1. I got home after work and my son told me he and his dad went to get Boba Teas. My husband came up and I tried to ask him how his tea was. He would not engage and said that was just a pointless conversation (?)

2. He sent me a picture of haircut both he and my 9yo daughter agreed on for her. It's a face-framing cut but all one length. I took her and she liked it. We went grocery shopping after and as I'm trying to bring in the groceries, he yells at me I never should have touched her bangs and that I never f***ing listen and then he slammed the door (all in front of her of course).

3. Yesterday, my son was talking about Breaking Bad as he had been watching clips on YouTube. My husband starting telling him about Walter White and how he was a science teacher who found out he had cancer. I tried to chime in that his wife was also pregnant. He looked at me and called me a f***ing b**** for always interrupting him. I said, "Are you kidding me". I went downstairs to get the dry laundry and started putting into a hamper and he came down there. I yelled at him to never call me a f***ing b**** in front of our son and how what he did was not okay. He told me to shut up and then threw an empty gatorade bottle at me (it didn't land). I then ran out of the room and he threw the hamper full of clothes at me and it hit my leg. I sobbed all night. While he has never been physically abusive (verbal & punching holes in walls), this was just a line I didn't think we would cross.

I feel very lost right now. Any advise helps.

[Poison Ivy]

It seems as though you are not safe in your home. Do you have a plan for leaving and a place to go? Can you keep your children safe?

[lkdrymom]

I agree. This is the start of something very wrong.  Please plot your escape.

[notrightinthehead]

Here is a link on how to pack an emergency bag:
https://aapci.org/site/domestic-violence-survival-kit/

Please search for domestic violence. What to do. Where to get help.  This kind of behaviour damages your kids too! They learn to think that this is normal.

[bat123]

Hi, Clarity!  I'm sorry you're going through this.  It sounds like your partner is very volatile and easily triggered.  Unfortunately, any attempt to defend yourself or hold him accountable for his behavior will likely lead to more drama, and possibly violence.  You are getting sensible advice here to consider leaving!  But in the meantime, if you are unable or unwilling to do that immediately, you'll need to survive.  I recommend (from experience) to let go of any illusion that you can change him or hold him accountable.  You'll need to accept that he's unhealthy, and that unfortunately he regulates himself by attempting to dominate you.  I hope that you are able to find coping strategies to keep safe (emotionally and physically).  Are you in therapy?  It's a great way to try to build up your strength and figure out your next steps.  These relationships are a no win situation.  If you can leave, it's for the best.

[clarityneeded]

Thank you all.

It's been a week since the incident and I am trying everything to not fall into old patterns or sweep it under the rug.

We have not talked about what happened. I have kept things solely about the kids and meals.

On Tuesday, he texted me that I was really rude and loud in the morning and that he tries all he can to ensure my sleep isn't disturbed (I didn't respond or apologize. I was no more loud than I usually am getting ready).

On Tuesday and Wednesday, he tried to cuddle with me when he came to bed and I wouldn't move. On Thursday, he grabbed his pillows and hasn't been back to our bed since.

My heart is broken but I'm not caving. When he's done this before I'm the one who will go and apologize and tell him to come back to bed.

[LemonLime]

Clarity, he is physically and verbally abusing.
He threw something at you.
He screamed expletives at you.

You are being abused.
He is an abuser.

[clarityneeded]

Clarity, he is physically and verbally abusing.
He threw something at you.
He screamed expletives at you.

You are being abused.
He is an abuser.

I absolutely know this.

Everything in my logical brain tells me to run.

[Empie2204]

Thank you all.

It's been a week since the incident and I am trying everything to not fall into old patterns or sweep it under the rug.

We have not talked about what happened. I have kept things solely about the kids and meals.

On Tuesday, he texted me that I was really rude and loud in the morning and that he tries all he can to ensure my sleep isn't disturbed (I didn't respond or apologize. I was no more loud than I usually am getting ready).

On Tuesday and Wednesday, he tried to cuddle with me when he came to bed and I wouldn't move. On Thursday, he grabbed his pillows and hasn't been back to our bed since.

My heart is broken but I'm not caving. When he's done this before I'm the one who will go and apologize and tell him to come back to bed.

My exH never hit me but he applied the same pattern of verbal and mental manipulation you have described. Reading your post felt like being punched in the stomach, it brought back bad memories.
It IS abuse.
He is punishing you for being awakened.

[bloomie]

clarityneeded - it breaks my heart to hear what you are going through. I also imagine this is really painful for your kids caught in the midst of this and seeing how their father is escalating.

No one here can know what is best and right for you in your unique situation. We see only a snapshot and when we hear of your being so poorly treated we want to help and are moved to offer you what we can to help and be some be part of empowering your breaking free from the atmosphere of risk you and your kiddos are living in.

Here is a link to an online hotline where you can speak or message live with a trained Domestic Violence (DV) counselor who can help you assess the risk you are under and what the best plan of action for you situation may be.
https://www.thehotline.org

Sometimes the most dangerous thing someone can do is leave. Sometimes the most dangerous thing someone can do is stay. We want to be very careful as we support you to focus on validating and encouraging you to get in real life support as you grapple with this. We can and will stand with you and listen within the limits of what we know and can safely suggest to you to do, but no one here knows best how you can go forward. Everyone reading your post can recognize you are in an untenable and escalating situation.

Here is a link to an excellent resource that can help you gauge the risk you are in. It is called the Mosaic Method and was developed to help every day people like us to be able to put the pieces of the stuff we are facing together in one place and determine the level of threat to us. It is free and I strongly recommend you work through the process and consider the picture that emerges carefully.
https://www.mosaicmethod.com

And a really helpful book that gets behind the inexplicable behaviors like you describe that might be of real revelation and help to you is found here:

Why Does He Do That, Bancroft

From where I sit this side of the screen you have some deep work to do and a support network to begin building around yourself and your kiddos - if you don't already have that. It also is understandable you are grieving hard and hurting. I am just so sorry for all you are experiencing.

Let us know how you are and come back often as you are able. We don't know what you 'should' do next, but we know without a doubt you do not deserve this treatment and we will support you as you figure out what you want and need to do about it.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Ditto what bloomie wrote

I especially encourage you to reach out to the hotline

I'm glad you are reaching out here