F Died

[practical]

Four weeks ago F died. I used to post a lot but haven't in a while. My story is very similar to many on the board here. After F went NC in 2018, which was after I had come Out of the FOG, I reached out to him in 2020 and we had low contact since in the form of phone calls every one to two weeks initiated by me and me writing letters every two weeks, as he could barely hear anymore. So he would talk on the phone and I would write letters. I didn't see him again as he lived in a different country and due to the pandemic travel was not an option for me. This spared me a decision, whether I would have wanted to see him again. I'm writing to share a few things I learned.

F didn't apologize for going NC or anything that led to it. It never came up, actually it was as if he had forgotten we hadn't had contact for 2 years. As he got older and sicker it became less and less likely he would apologize, in the end, he couldn't talk anymore. While I never expected he would apologize, when the absence of an apology became final with his death, it still surprised me. It was the finality, it was like an exclamation point to our relationship.

F's ability to create his own world was astonishing to me despite having witnessed it similarly in M. During NC he had painted me white again apparently, he only spoke highly of me to his caretaker, who therefore couldn't understand why I wasn't visiting (that would be for 2018, 2019). Actually, when F heard I had been back to my home country in 2019, he asked in surprise why I hadn't come by.

He had become mellow towards me after reestablishing contact. I think it was because I was no longer the responsible adult in our relationship, I was no longer dutiful daughter and he had found a very attentive replacement for me in his caretaker, whom I'm very grateful to. He could still complain about politics and stuff, but it didn't have the energy it used to have. I even got some real praise for a renovation I had done in the house, which surprised me. It was a relationship at an emotional distance, as I protected myself. I tried to entertain him with my letters, so in a way I still played a role and I have no regrets about this very limited engagement as a good daughter on my terms. I felt a sense of compassion for him, and despite everything I still loved him in a way that didn't violate my boundaries.

I was surprised how much turmoil his death caused me. I had worked intensively on the boards between 2015-2018, had grieved the father I never had, so I didn't expect it. There was anger about never having had a full-fledged father, sadness for the same reason, compassion for him, as while there was a lot of drama around his illnesses, he also had been rather ill, especially towards the end, and all the while mentally still very present. And while I suffered greatly from his emotional abuse including him not protecting me from M, I had had the fortitude to be able to work on myself - he didn't. Why, whether he couldn't or wouldn't is academic to me, his inner turmoil I cannot imagine, I do know he suffered to the end from his own emotional abuse. F had been able to love in a limited way, a part of him was genuine. It was a very small part, but made a huge difference compared to M. With her I have no idea who she was or could have been, with him I could see glimpses of a real person at brief moments in time.

I reread "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson, some old letters and posts from Out of the FOG, journaled extensively, and after four weeks things seem to have calmed down. I seem to have reached a point where I can hold both in my heart, the bad and the good, where I can see him, our relationship with the gray shades it had, and have compassion for me as well as him. And at times I find myself missing the illusion of a father, the chance of ever having a full-fledged father, because that hope only died with him, however faint it was in light of the facts. And I'm grateful for having been able to break the cycle of abuse, no small thanks to Out of the FOG and all the wonderful people here who helped me by writing their own stories, asked questions, responded.

[moglow]

Practical, I'm so sorry. At the same time happy for you, that you're finding what you needed even though he wasn't able to provide. I'm glad you see you don't have regrets and aren't holding yourself accountable for things that aren't yours. And you're able to see the good underneath, in spite of the bad. That speaks so clearly to the person I've come to know, the compassion and goodness in you.

Offering up prayers for your continued peace, Practical. I've missed you around here.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'm sorry practical. The lives and the deaths of our PD parents are so difficult to navigate.

This part of your post stood out to me:

I seem to have reached a point where I can hold both in my heart, the bad and the good, where I can see him, our relationship with the gray shades it had, and have compassion for me as well as him. And at times I find myself missing the illusion of a father, the chance of ever having a full-fledged father, because that hope only died with him, however faint it was in light of the facts. And I'm grateful for having been able to break the cycle of abuse, no small thanks to Out of the FOG and all the wonderful people here who helped me by writing their own stories, asked questions, responded.

I've appreciated your posts throughout the years and I'm glad you've reached this point.

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry. Even if our parents cannot love us as we need - we are genetically programmed to love them. The fact that you are able to see the good in him too, shows how much you have healed. You can allow yourself to feel sad and grieve, just the right amount for you. Big hug.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hugs to you Practical. May your grief work continue to be healing. I am glad you posted here.

The other day I read something about how society is not set up to help survivors heal because we shine a light on what is wrong (ie within insitutions, families, mental health etc...), and that can lead to us Out of the FOG folks feeling we are alone in our journey with self love and breaking cycles of abuse - as you have done. You broke a cycle while staying open to the real human reality of complex feelings for a parent. This should be understood for the courageous act that it is. But sadly most people just don't see things that way yet. Except here we do see it for what it is. Your grief work is totally valid.

I'm feeling grateful to bear witness to your sharing here. We are in a society / culture that doesn't understand grief.  Those who give voice to their feelings of complicated love and loss are doing real, authentic work that is much needed. What you are feeling is very real and we see you.

Glad you posted.
Hugs

Trees

[bloomie]

Practical - I have heard it said that at every passing there are the grieved and the relieved. I would suggest that for adult children of PD's we are both grieved and relieved. I have found it can be a place of inner friction and tension.

It is truly beautiful to hear how you are able hold two opposing kinds of truths of your father - the good and the bad -  and how compassion for yourself and for him has blossomed through this time. I wish you continued strength and peace in the coming days.

Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to sit in this process with you!

[xredshoesx]

sending love and peace to you dear practical. 

[practical]

Thank you all 

The other day I read something about how society is not set up to help survivors heal because we shine a light on what is wrong (ie within insitutions, families, mental health etc...), and that can lead to us Out of the FOG folks feeling we are alone in our journey with self love and breaking cycles of abuse - as you have done. You broke a cycle while staying open to the real human reality of complex feelings for a parent. This should be understood for the courageous act that it is. But sadly most people just don't see things that way yet. Except here we do see it for what it is. Your grief work is totally valid.

This is very helpful. I think grief is relegated anyway in our society that has such a hard time with death and when you are dealing with complicated grief you are also going against the unwritten rule "don't speak ill of the dead". For me, if I would forget about the bad stuff, it would feel like a fiction, it would be like grieving a person I never knew, I couldn't do it and would make matters worse for me. - MIL died earlier this year and SIL said we would now only talk of the good and look at MIL's life for what we could learn from it. DH can count the good on one hand, what we 'learned' is how never to be, but we cannot even say that. While DH and his B were still talking honestly before MIL's death, no mention can be made anymore about any of the dysfunction, the abuse, it is as if reality has been magically disappeared and replaced by some pink fluffy clouds. And maybe not surprisingly DH's B has a hard time with the grieving process. For me it is the last case of emotional abuse, of gaslighting, even if it isn't directly done by the deceased person.

The lives and the deaths of our PD parents are so difficult to navigate.

Both my parents are dead now and I have no idea what normal grief for a beloved person feels like. I saw it in DDIL for her grandfather, but I have no personal experience. A sad statement in itself and witness to our backgrounds.

The fact that you are able to see the good in him too, shows how much you have healed. You can allow yourself to feel sad and grieve, just the right amount for you. Big hug.

The healing has certainly been crucial for my ability to get through this time. Also having observed in my parents what black-and-white painting does to you, kept me focused not to fall for this trap. While it might feel easier and brings immediate "solution", nothing gets resolved in reality and my parents carried those unresolved issues with them to the end and were burdened by them.

I'm glad you see you don't have regrets and aren't holding yourself accountable for things that aren't yours. And you're able to see the good underneath, in spite of the bad.

The boundaries I learned here helped me to go as far as I could, but no further and to know what is mine and what is his. This in turn has enabled me not to have regrets and also not to fall for "if only ..." daydreams like I used to have when I was still enmeshed. Being able to stay with reality has a lot to do with Out of the FOG.

It is truly beautiful to hear how you are able hold two opposing kinds of truths of your father - the good and the bad -  and how compassion for yourself and for him has blossomed through this time. I wish you continued strength and peace in the coming days.

This ability is part of the healing, of what I learned here, because before I would only see him while I couldn't see myself at all, didn't feel I counted. Now I can do both, which feels much more healthy.

sending love and peace to you dear practical. 

Thank you, I think I have found them in my every day life due to all the great people here, who are so dedicated to help each other.

It just occurs to me, it is 7 years to the day that I joined the board, it seems so close and so far away, so much has changed in me. Thank you again!

[1footouttadefog]

It's always okay to love more than the other.  It okay to live those who don't deserve it.

I hope with time the pain from your relationships with lost parents will be replaced with peace and healing and that both the good and bad memories will serve you by bringing the gained lessons of strength and wisdom and love you gained from them along on your path to the best possible future. 

[Spring Butterfly]

Sending you so much love and wishes for continued healing. May you have peace in your journey.

[Amadahy]

Dearest practical,

You have been such a steadfast presence for me here, always validating and gracious.  Thank you for all the help you've given, even as you made your own way Out of the FOG.  I am heartily sorry for difficulty in knowing the finality of your F's passing with so much unresolved and unresolvable.  In a way, seeing what could have been (as I also sometimes do with Nmom), is especially bittersweet.  It is this vision, this hope that helped us survive as children, but that can be haunting as we review the lives of our PD family members.  I think you're wise to come to the place where you can hold differing views and feelings in creative tension.  If things were simpler, it might be easier, but that does not seem to be the way of life.  I know less and less for certain as I get older, but I'm more okay with that as time goes on. 

I hope as the days and weeks pass, and with the holiday season now, that you can find moments of deep joy and beauty.  These might not relate to F, but you certainly deserve wonder and delight.  You are in my warmest thoughts for peace and provision.  Thank you for your presence (presents!) here.  xoxo

Tenderest condolences.
Amadahy xoxo

[Sneezy]

practical - Your compassionate description of your father is very touching.  I think you attained a level of understanding toward your father, while still getting Out of the FOG and finding your own peace.  I'm sorry for your loss and am sending you hugs and good thoughts.  Take care of yourself.

[Zebrastriped]

Practical, I hope you find peace for yourself.  You did bring a sense that someone else was going thru much thought about the parental relationship when all around us other families seem to do it effortlessly without the need or thought of having to protect themselves.  I'm glad you have no regrets about being a good daughter on your terms.

I read your mention of pink fluffy clouds for the rest of your family and can offer a similar feeling.  When I was helping my dad with my difficult mother, he complained a great deal about her selfish, erratic behaviors and harsh attitude towards him.  After she died, she was remembered as a wonderful, giving person.  I wondered how I missed the rose colored Delorean, delivering my dad from another timeline.

You are very brave to share your experiences, it has been a great comfort to me.  I hope you continue on the path to comfort and peace.

[practical]

Thank you all for your wonderful responses, so reassuring 

I still catch myself sometimes thinking "this is something you can write in the next letter to F" like when the fox comes by our bird feeder in the hope of a squirrel breakfast - and then I remember, this last and in many ways only level of communication is gone, he is dead. While these moments cause brief sadness, there the other moments when I just feel relief, because I don't have to worry about what is about to come my way, the hyper vigilance is slowly melting away.

Thank you again for all your support, I couldn't have done any of it without you.