Here I go again, and again, and again…

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Hi all,

Some of you may or may not remember me from a ways back. I finally left Asia and my ex, and am back in my home country. Hooray!

I spent a few months finding myself, picking myself up after being a total shell of a person from all of the stuff I went through. Then I met someone new.

I've heard that people who have been in abusive relationships with a PD can be drawn into these situations again and again. I feel like I've been drawn into it again, but it seems much more subtle (considering just how obvious and crazy my ex was) and I need some advice from you all, who have gone through this and know from experience.

I live with my new bf. At first, he was absolutely amazing. What I liked most about him was that he had emotions and they seemed genuine. Now, that seems to of all changed. Since I've moved in, I've been dealing with the following:

- he has pain issues and had been medicating with alcohol and drugs. I wasn't aware that it was an issue until a month after we moved in together.
- when he gets drunk and high, he gets very jealous and controlling. He is constantly questioning me about who this or that friend is, where I've been, etc. the arguments go on for hours. He starts questioning me. I've done nothing wrong, so I get defensive. He interprets it as guilt and we just go round and round.
- he doesn't really apologize. His apologies are like "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you're upset/angry/hurt."
- he is now giving me this weird cold shoulder where he talks to me, and says everything is fine, but acts extremely cold with no emotions. Totally different from when we met. Edit to add: he has just come back to me and said I'm the controlling one because I told him that he can choose if he wants to drink, but I also have a choice about what I do if he starts drinking heavily. I'm not working at the moment. He sends me money to put into a savings account, which I do. Then he says I control his money and he can't do anything. It seems to me that he is doing these things so he can place the blame on me and make me the controlling one? 

The issue is, having grown up with a PD father, then living 10 years with a PD husband, I feel like I am almost looking for there to be an issue here, and I'm thinking these behaviors are red flags and manipulative when they may not be. In my mind I can't seem to tell if this is or isn't PD behavior. Is this is another PD man I've gotten myself involved with? I know you all can't tell me for sure, but I'd like your thoughts based upon the behaviors I've listed. I'm happy to provide more details if need be.

Thank you!

[escapingman]

Justanotherlostgirl,

This is not healthy behaviour from your boyfriend. If it hurts it is wrong, and this certainly looks like it hurts. I would advice you to leave as fast as you can, whilst you can. With that much drinking and drugs he could become very dangerous very fast and unpredicted.

Good luck and I am sorry you have ended up with someone who is hurting you again.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Justanotherlostgirl,

This is not healthy behaviour from your boyfriend. If it hurts it is wrong, and this certainly looks like it hurts. I would advice you to leave as fast as you can, whilst you can. With that much drinking and drugs he could become very dangerous very fast and unpredicted.

Good luck and I am sorry you have ended up with someone who is hurting you again.

Thanks escapingman,

I think I know in my gut that he is yet another in a long line of PD's, but as someone who has been around them my whole life, I find it hard to trust my gut instincts. Anyone who is making non- apology apologies and trying to turn things around onto me, regardless of the drinking, jealousy and control is someone who is toxic. You're right. It makes me feel like I'm the PD though, and that I've somehow caught fleas. I don't know how he is interpreting my behavior in this way. Probably because he is a PD and not trying to interpret my behavior, but instead trying to manipulate and turn it back onto me.

I'm curious how things are going for you? Last I checked, you were planning a divorce and had moved out. Are things going any better for you now?

[losingmyself]

Trust your gut. It knows.
Work on yourself.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself and your self esteem before you get yourself into another relationship.
Read books, suggested here, and listen to people. Get therapy and get strong and secure in the love you have for yourself.
This situation you described doesn't sound healthy.
I wish I would have reached out long ago, and changed my situation before I gave H 12 years of my life, and lost those years with my kids.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Trust your gut. It knows.
Work on yourself.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself and your self esteem before you get yourself into another relationship.
Read books, suggested here, and listen to people. Get therapy and get strong and secure in the love you have for yourself.
This situation you described doesn't sound healthy.
I wish I would have reached out long ago, and changed my situation before I gave H 12 years of my life, and lost those years with my kids.

Thank you so much for the advice. You're certainly right. I'm not working atm (thought actively looking) so right now I have no access to therapy or to my own apartment. I hope to get all of this going very soon. One good thing: I do not plan to give this man any more of my time than is necessary for me to leave. I made that mistake once and I stayed for 10 years. I know I cannot fix or change him this time. Having the confirmation from others that this is indeed toxic is what I need most now. It helps me to be sure of myself as I often find myself confused due to possible gaslighting.

I'm very glad that you got out of your situation. How long did it take you to heal and start a new relationship if you did?

[escapingman]

I'm curious how things are going for you? Last I checked, you were planning a divorce and had moved out. Are things going any better for you now?

Thanks for your kind question.

Where do I start? In short, uNPDw has been moved out the house with an agreed court order and is not allowed near the house. Unfortunately she managed to take one daughter with her and alienate her against me and I haven't seen her since May. My other daughter is with me and refuse to see her mum based on the abuse in the past. We are currently going through a custody fight in family court where I have reported her abuse and she has made up accusations against me. But I have been no contact with uNPDw for more than 3 months so I am felling much better, although still having flashbacks and stress. I have quite a few ongoing threads in the separating part of the forum if you want to read more.

I really hope you can get out safely from your situation.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this again. PD or not, you are describing red flags, and it sounds like he has issues that he needs to work on himself, not be fixed or navigated by you. I left my first uNPDxH (overt grandiose N) after only 5 years of marriage. Only to end up in what is now 24 years with 2nd uNPDh (more covert N who love-bombed in the beginning.)  Different motives and presentations, but both men still PD at the core. I know you're questioning your gut, but in my opinion, the fact that your gut is raising concerns means you are sensing something is off.

[losingmyself]

Justanotherlostgirl
I am still in my situation, planning my exit. But I got into this bad situation directly after getting out of another bad 20 year marriage. It was the classic hoovering, love bombing, moving way too fast, and me thinking that this was everything I wanted, pushing the red flags out of the way. This is why I will yell at the top of my voice to anyone who asks "RUN!!!" The sooner the better

[SonofThunder]

JALG1,

So very nice to read a post from you and know you are safe, but Im sorry to read you may potentially be in a repeating situation. Certainly the actions/reactions of you BF are red flags imo, and I hope you can find time and space to really explore yourself, your family of origin and potentially recognize how a pattern could be possible.  How is your son?  I would assume the actions/reactions you describe from your BF are surely not what you desire your young son to be around, so very disturbing there as well.  I will keep you and your son in thought and prayer.

SoT

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

I'm curious how things are going for you? Last I checked, you were planning a divorce and had moved out. Are things going any better for you now?

Thanks for your kind question.

Where do I start? In short, uNPDw has been moved out the house with an agreed court order and is not allowed near the house. Unfortunately she managed to take one daughter with her and alienate her against me and I haven't seen her since May. My other daughter is with me and refuse to see her mum based on the abuse in the past. We are currently going through a custody fight in family court where I have reported her abuse and she has made up accusations against me. But I have been no contact with uNPDw for more than 3 months so I am felling much better, although still having flashbacks and stress. I have quite a few ongoing threads in the separating part of the forum if you want to read more.

I really hope you can get out safely from your situation.

Oh no, I know you were really worried about the other daughter. I hope that you are able to get her back through the court system. I will take a look at your threads. I'm so sorry you are experiencing flashbacks. I get emotional flashbacks myself and I know how overwhelming they can be. Sending love ❤️

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this again. PD or not, you are describing red flags, and it sounds like he has issues that he needs to work on himself, not be fixed or navigated by you. I left my first uNPDxH (overt grandiose N) after only 5 years of marriage. Only to end up in what is now 24 years with 2nd uNPDh (more covert N who love-bombed in the beginning.)  Different motives and presentations, but both men still PD at the core. I know you're questioning your gut, but in my opinion, the fact that your gut is raising concerns means you are sensing something is off.

I'm really sorry to hear this. I find it both fascinating and terrifying how PD's can be such chameleons. You think you're getting one thing, but you get something totally different. I'm sorry you're still dealing with that.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Justanotherlostgirl
I am still in my situation, planning my exit. But I got into this bad situation directly after getting out of another bad 20 year marriage. It was the classic hoovering, love bombing, moving way too fast, and me thinking that this was everything I wanted, pushing the red flags out of the way. This is why I will yell at the top of my voice to anyone who asks "RUN!!!" The sooner the better

I'm so sorry you find yourself in that situation. It's an awful place to be. It seems like it is true, we generally as people tend to repeat the patterns of our childhood. It does make life really difficult.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

JALG1,

So very nice to read a post from you and know you are safe, but Im sorry to read you may potentially be in a repeating situation. Certainly the actions/reactions of you BF are red flags imo, and I hope you can find time and space to really explore yourself, your family of origin and potentially recognize how a pattern could be possible.  How is your son?  I would assume the actions/reactions you describe from your BF are surely not what you desire your young son to be around, so very disturbing there as well.  I will keep you and your son in thought and prayer.

SoT

Hi SOT,

Nice to see you, I hope you've been well! My son is doing well. In regards to my child, things are quite different this time. My bf won't argue or heavily drink/ do drugs around our children (he has two kids). At least he has SOME common sense. My son absolutely loves him. He is a great father figure and so much different to what my son has experienced with his real father.

As you know - we talked briefly before on the parents forum, I do feel that my father is also an Udxnpd and it was very difficult living with him. Moving out was so great at first. I am quite sure that I missed the red flags here once again because I wanted to take someone at their word. I was looking for words matching actions, true emotions, care and concern if I was upset and my bf had displayed these qualities so I thought that maybe this time, things would be different. I also struggle between trying to decide if he is a PD, or if he potentially has undiagnosed cptsd because the presentation can be very similar. He had a terrible childhood.

I do really need a lot of therapy. I can't believe I find myself in this situation again. I can already clearly see the black and white thinking, future faking, blame shifting, moving the goalposts and gaslighting. I think it's progress that I've seen it much sooner, but still, I obviously need to see it right away so this doesn't continue to happen.

How are things going with your wife?

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

I'm just going to use this as a vent thread so I don't keep posting new stuff all over the chosen relationships section.

Me and my SO are at it again. I have a friend who I met on Reddit during the situation with my ex husband. He had an undiagnosed narc ex wife and we really bonded over a shared love for psychology, working on ourselves and trying to get our lives together. He helped me a lot through my situation. He lives in Europe and the relationship has always been purely plutonic. He is 10 years younger than me. we both have c-ptsd, so we relate to each other very much.

At first, my bf was fine with this online relationship. As time has progressed, this has become a point of contention in our relationship. First, he was angry I talked to my friend so much. I message my friend a few times a week talking about life, our struggles with mental health, or childhoods and etc. For 3 straight weekends, my boyfriend grew more and more hostile about the situation, still maintaining I should have a friend but he didn't like how close we were and that men and women can't be friends. I ended up showing him a conversation between us (which I should not have done and violated my friends privacy in this way) My boyfriend somehow read into the conversation the wrong way (we were talking about how people who are in relationships with narcissists often think they are the narcissist) and then concluded I was wrong to have this friend. In turn, I defended myself because this really is just a plutonic online friendship, but any defense almost seems like I'm lying in his mind. It doesn't matter what I say or what logic I use. Eventually the issue resolved by me saying I would talk to my friend less and not in front of him, which I have done.

Last night, I was looking at a poem from tik tok my friend had sent me. It was basically about leaving a narcissistic relationship and what that felt like. When my boyfriend came into the room, I, without thinking closed the video and put my phone down because he didn't want to see me talking to my friend (I wasn't talking, I was just rewatching the video). My boyfriend now feels like I'm hiding things from him and here we are, once again back where we started.

I don't feel like I should have to lose my friend. We have been through so much together. At the same time, I understand that my bf is feeling hurt by this, and that my hiding did not help. On top of feeling that I need to hide a friendship from him, I also used to do this in my relationship with my ex when I was trying to get out. Even if I was on Out of the FOG I would hide my phone and delete everything because I was terrified my husband would find out. I'm now suffering with C-PTSD and am finding comfort in knowing I'm not alone. I explained all of this to my bf, but still, he only cares about the fact that I'm acting suspiciously, even though there is literally nothing to be suspicious about. My boyfriend has my phone password. Not 20 min earlier he was doing a quiz I showed him on my phone. It's not like I hide it away from him. The hiding of my phone was a combination of a learned behavior and fear of starting more of these awful arguments. It was not meant to upset him or to truly hide anything.

I feel like I can't win and I have to lose my friend. Which makes me really sad. I'm worried I'm also not being empathetic enough to my bf. He always asks me why I live so much in the past, but I don't think he understands what it is like to have c-ptsd and have that one person I can connect with. I have tried to explain my c-ptsd to my boyfriend, but it's a lot to take in for him, and he often gets upset if I talk about it too much. For me though, as I don't have money for therapy yet, it is absolutely consuming all the time, and talking to this friend helps me a lot.

What should I do here? Am I being insensitive?

[notrightinthehead]

Lost girl, are you sure you aren't heading straight for another relationship with a PD? What you describe seems irrational jealousy to me. Your boyfriend tries to control your social contacts. He turns your words around. He accuses you and he seems to know better what you are feeling than you do ?!? You already suffer with C-PTSD.  Is this relationship and such unreasonable jealousy helping you in your healing?

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Lostgirl,

I'm sorry for what you are facing. I would ask you this: if you take away your boyfriends opinions, do YOU feel like your relationship with this friend has crossed any lines? If not, then I think you should feel fine about it. Don't let your BF make you feel guilty when guilt is not warranted. FOG is one of the primary tactics of PDs.

As I'm sure you're well aware, One of the tactics PD individuals use is isolating us from other people. You can find more information about this in the Toolbox. Not wanting you to have other friendships is a very common method they use, to isolate you.

The secrecy thing, I can really resonate with. My wife is constantly asking me what I'm doing in my phone. To me, it's all about control. She wants to control me. To keep tabs on my relationships, so she can shut them down if they impede on her control. I'm an adult, I have a right to privacy. IMO, you are not obligated to share with him about this friendship, unless you want to.

I hope this isn't too blunt, but since you're just dating, what is your plan? It sounds to me like this is perhaps not a great person for you. Before it gets more serious, have you considered breaking it off?

The relationship is purely plutonic and always has been. We live on separate continents, he's 10 years younger and actively dating people of his own age.

My bf also makes these wild accusations. The I am having online s*x with him is the latest one. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I plan to leave but find myself stuck again as I'm waiting to hear back from a job. I'm trying my best to get out.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

Lost girl, are you sure you aren't heading straight for another relationship with a PD? What you describe seems irrational jealousy to me. Your boyfriend tries to control your social contacts. He turns your words around. He accuses you and he seems to know better what you are feeling than you do ?!? You already suffer with C-PTSD.  Is this relationship and such unreasonable jealousy helping you in your healing?

I don't think I'm heading into, I tend to believe I'm in a relationship with one. The scariest part is he doesn't think he is either jealous or controlling and I'm the controlling one according to him because I pass him his phone when he gets work notifications.

I am willing to stake my life on this being projection honestly. Last night he went out with friends and didn't come home until 7:30 am. The worst part is I'm still dealing with the original ex husband pd who wants back into my life from across the world. This all is not helping my cPTSD. I wish I had the funds to just go 😓

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Lostgirl -
It seems like you know what you need to do based on your posts.  Perhaps focusing on your exit plan, coming up with different scenerios, strategies, etc... might make you feel more in control.
Good Luck

[notrightinthehead]

Well, if you think you are in a relationship with another PD - the earlier you accept that you cannot make another person change,  the faster your healing will begin. It seems to me that your focus is mostly on him. What he does, what he says, what he feels, what he thinks. How about you focus on yourself.  What you do, feel, how you behave, what you think. That's what you can control. That's what you have to deal with and change to become healthier. Otherwise you run the danger that every relationship you enter is just a variation of your previous one.

[Justanotherlostgirl1]

So, I had to give up the relationship with my friend. Not really, I told my friend that we can still communicate via email for now until I leave this particular relationship, but just for my own safety, it's better is we have low contact for now. My friend understands, so that is good.

My bf and I had a huge fight once again about this. During the fight I tried to explain to him what my c-PTSD is like, which was a huge mistake. He went absolutely crazy I'd have emotions, and threatened to kill himself, so I told him I'd call the police. He basically invalidated my c-PTSD and any emotions I had. On my child's first day of school, his father was supposed to call him and didn't. My bf said he was there for my son's first day and didn't understand why I'd be upset by my ex not calling or it would throw me into a tail spin. My bf is getting tired of hearing about my shit and I need to let the past go and stop talking to my child's father. I don't talk to my child's father, but he does call from time to time to speak to my child. C-PTSD is all about not being able to get out of the past, so this makes things exceedingly difficult. I am seriously done, although I play it cool for now until I get a job.

The morning after this huge fight he is now all loving again and super clingy. I'm not a therapist or anything but this is seeming like BPD to me, although any suggestion of getting help from a therapist is met with disdain.

Anyway, what do you all think would be some good books for me? What has helped you? I'm almost done reading "From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. Once I get a job, I obviously will be in therapy for a very long while, but in the meantime, is there anything besides MC, GR and the 3C's that helped you all. I'm very sensitive to emotional flashbacks and find it very difficult to control my emotions myself, so this relationship is absolutely explosive. I just need a few months to get myself together. Is there any way I'm going to be able to avoid this relationship cycle without going mad?