Funeral Yesterday

[Lilyloo]

Stepdads funeral is over. I hadn't seen mom in months since she's been at the NH.  Covid has been bad there.  We have talked on the phone. She was better than I expected. 

She did keep telling everyone at the viewing that her kids can't take her in.  She said we are all to busy.  She told most of the women that she talked to. I heard as I sat near.  The reason is she would drive us crazy. She  honestly can't see a the things she's said and done over the years

. I felt compassion that she lost her husband and I was kind to her , but why does she have to yap her mouth about us not taking her in.

She ask that I take her out shopping.  I go right by the NH to where I shop.  I can do that and my daughter is going along to support me. 

I feel quilt and it's bad but my family told me not to. My brothers say they don't feel guilt.  They know they can't live with her.  I'd lose my mind after a week.

An odd thing but pretty typical was that she kept pulling up her pants leg to show everyone her scar from her broken knee cap surgery.   Its how she is. It was stepdads funeral but about mom. 

My family says STOP the guilt feelings.  They all say I couldn't cope with her living with me.  They say they cant either. The difference  is they dont feel guilt

My brother said he doesn't care what she tells people.  I think I was conditioned to be the caregiver since my dad died age 44 and I was given the role of taking care of 3 brothers and mom.   It won't go away. Thanks for listening

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you got through the funeral.

Were you at all close with your stepdad? I guess I'm just wondering if you are having to cope with grief or if this was more of a duty to be done. Either way, I am sorry for the loss and any distress you are feeling. Funerals are never pleasant even if you were not close with the deceased.

It's all very well for your family to tell you to stop feeling guilt but if you can't, you can't. These situations are so, so hard and we have a lifetime of conditioning to overcome. For all you know your brothers do feel guilt, but they might be ignoring it or thinking it is something else. At any rate, at least they are supporting you in your stance and not trying to make you go along with what your mother wants.

Typical that she made everything about her. Not just the knee surgery, but the going on about the fact that her kids can't take her in. That's a classic "oh, poor little me" thing to say. And one that is likely to get her some sympathy from people who don't know what she is like. Easy to paint her children as big meanies who leave her to rot in the nursing home. But you know the truth and what these strangers think doesn't matter.

Hugs. Take care of yourself. I'm glad your daughter is coming with you on the shopping trip. I hope it goes well.

[moglow]

That's a classic "oh, poor little me" thing to say. And one that is likely to get her some sympathy from people who don't know what she is like. Easy to paint her children as big meanies...

Do that. Be the big meanie. Really, I mean it. Don't take on her or anyone else guilt or obligation. Tune it out and carry on. It's a process and boundaries are a practice, YOUR practice. What she says and who she says it to, not your circus, not your monkeys.

[Lilyloo]

No not close to stepdad at all. Mom married him after I was married..  I've been married longer than she was. It was just obligation. I know that must sound awful !   

Thank you both for the needed advice.  I have set some boundaries and will keep doing it.  I'm limiting what I do even now that she's in  NH. She's getting good care  there, and she was telling everyone that.   

[Lilyloo]

I mean honestly, your kids are all there and you are doing that crap. She never cared what she said to who, when, where but this takes the cake.   It was so stressful.  The dysfunctional family .  I'm an introvert and had to deal with people asking why they don't see me.  I came home and slept for hours.  I'm angry now after the numbness and won't be manipulated again.  I'll be the mean one!!

[moglow]

Know she is going to do it again when opportunity presents. For her it's easier to lie than just admit it's not a good idea for any of you, having her live with one of you. That's cool, let her lie and live her little fantasy. Still Not.Your.Stuff.


Guarantee most of those people weren't fussed about it one way or the other. Don't you be either. 

[practical]

Sorry you had to deal with this kind of shaming, being guilt tripped in public - the ideal place for your M to do it in front of an audience. The guilt is one of the most difficult things to leave behind when you were the appointed caregiver child in the family. Look at it this way, you didn't act on it and that is huge! And nobody in your family is pressuring you to nor do they want her, so it is clear she is the problem not you. As she is in NH, she is cared for, and her inner needs nobody can fill and you aren't responsible for them.

Take good care of yourself and put some time and distance between you and her to recover.

[Lilyloo]

Thank you both.  I feel better because I get great advice here.

  Moglow I think you're right  that most of those people didn't even care. 

Practical,  I do think being the caregiver and only daughter has much to do with my guilt. 

Thank you again. So grateful for all of you. You are so helpful always. I reread  your replies to let it sink in so I can move on   

[nanotech]

This is horrible treatment and it's designed to try to guilt trip you into taking her in.
It's emotional blackmail.
Don't worry too much about her talking you down. It really really doesn't matter.  Loss of our reputation is what they hold over us for years. But actually, who gives a monkey's dingle?  Once you've called their bluff on it, what have they left to threaten us with?
I've been there with this and once it's happened,it's actually quite freeing, because although it's painful and quite sad, you can then begin to live authentically and without the shadows of fear, guilt and obligation.

[Lilyloo]

Thanks nanotech. yes it is emotional blackmail. I don't know any other side to her. Its gone on for so long!   A few at that viewing did give me looks. I knew who they would be before I even went.  I'm just trying to stay busy and not think.  I am so grateful to have each of you. Most people don't understand, that's been hard .

I'm sorry you went through this same crap. To know others understand is huge!  I call it crap because that's what it is!! She sees us as kids not doing their duty. I see us all as kids who took way to much crap our whole life.  I was the weak one who let it almost destroy me.

[nanotech]

You're not weak. It takes strength to stand by your words and not succumb to that false guilt they instilled in us since early childhood. Your mum's expectations of you are actually nothing to do with you.
I felt I was raised to be both scapegoat and caregiver. I've had to dodge several campaigns launched by my UNPDDAD to take him in to live with us. NBrother and sister joined in with this pressure.  They  know how he is- I would have had no life of my own had I  said yes.  The moment has passed now. It will for you too.

[Lilyloo]

 Thank you nanotech,  I was also scapegoat and caregiver. I'm glad you didn't say yes.  So true. You'd have had no life and my life would just disappear. I could not breathe. My mother took her father in when he was about 76.  I think she forgets that she was only 37.  I am 70 next year. BIG difference in being physically and mentally able. If she says anything to me I will remind her of that.  Thank you for your kind support. It helps so much

[Sneezy]

An odd thing but pretty typical was that she kept pulling up her pants leg to show everyone her scar from her broken knee cap surgery.   Its how she is. It was stepdads funeral but about mom. 

THIS!!!  All the time!  At a family wedding this weekend, right in the middle of the rehearsal dinner, my mom started hiking up her pants legs to show everyone how swollen her knees were.  Lilyloo - Our mothers must be twins that got separated at birth 

[Lilyloo]

Sneezy, yes it seems our mothers are identical !   Always attention seeking. All about them  no matter where they are.