Abusive N parents. Advice?

[intothewest26]

Hi all. I am a female in my 20's, pretty nervous about posting. I posted a couple times on this forum when I was in college, but deleted everything out of fear it would be found by one of my parents.

I'll try to keep this short, but essentially I have two N parents, I'll use F and M for short. F was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. M was much more covert, but became overt (dramatic, pretty histrionic) when she left F.

I've been in therapy since college, diagnosed with PTSD. I had a brief psychotic episode several years ago, which my therapist now thinks was a one-time stress reaction.

I won't go into too much detail, but M is living with a man who is downright frightening and has a domestic violence charge from a previous relationship. I lived with them after the brief episode, with really no other choice, then had to move out when he became dangerous.

I voiced concerns to M at the time about an inappropriate comment he'd made towards me. Her response was to try and scare me, she threatened to come into my work and tell my coworkers what I'd said.

I am now unfortunately living on their property again temporarily (not in their house) due to basically them using every tactic in the book to get me to move back, including using my fear of some pretty serious cardiac issues I was having as a result of medication. It's improving now and I'm saving up money to move.

What I would welcome any advice about is that I shared a memory from my childhood to M (which I now see was not a good idea, not at all.) This memory is pretty serious and points towards me being sexually abused by someone. Due to the circumstances of the memory, it was possibly one of my grandparents. Grandpa frequently makes strange comments towards me as well, others have noticed.

Instead of reassuring me or validating me, she lost it. She said I am "ruminating." She questioned the time period in which it happened. She pretty much accused me of being delusional again, which I'm not (I had this memory long before the brief episode I had several years ago, and am in regular communication with my therapist, who has said she has noticed no signs of me being unstable, and that M seems to be using this against me.)

M also recently demanded that I let her come with me to my psychiatrist appointment and speak to my psychiatrist, under the threat of taking me to a mental health facility if I did not comply. This was after my grandma (who also lives on the property, unfortunately- they're very enmeshed) threw an object across the room when she became angry at me. M blamed this on me, and that's when she threatened to take me to a facility although I am in therapy already and the only thing I am dealing with is depression and the reoccurrence of some PTSD symptoms. An extended family member who I barely know also cussed at me on a social media platform  during this time (lots of triangulation.)

At this point, I'm very tired. I'm trying to process the possible abuse, and realizing it would explain a lot of things, although I don't know for certain what happened due to how young I was at the time. I definitely want to move. I realize I should never have moved back onto their property. I frankly feel that I was coerced. I would welcome any and all suggestions or advice. Thank you for reading, sorry if this was long.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you are in such a desperate situation. While you are saving and planning your escape you might benefit from studying and applying the strategies from the Toolbox whenever you have to interact with your family. I am glad to read that you are in therapy. You are not alone. See you around on the boards.

[NarcKiddo]

Hello, and welcome. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

What does M think she will achieve by talking to your psychiatrist? Have you raised the issue with your psychiatrist? What do they say about it?

Assuming the grandparent who may have abused you is a parent of M, it is possible that they abused her in the past. Her bad reaction to you sharing your memory may be because of that. I'm not saying this to suggest you feel sorry for her, but simply as a possible explanation for her bizarre reaction. Another possibility is that she knew it happened but felt powerless to help you even if she wanted to. Again this would be an unpleasant memory and may be causing her to lash out. Even if it happened and she completely agreed with it (very unpleasant, but possible) she could still react badly at being "found out" by you at this stage. At any rate, I think you may have to come to terms with the fact that reassurance and validation don't tend to form part of a narc's repertoire (at least, not in my experience).

It seems to me you need to protect yourself as best you can with a view to getting away from them. Some distance between you would probably help you to process things. It does not sound to me as if now is the best time to address the abuse issues in any detail. Clearly your therapist is the one to advise on that, but my instinct is that for practical purposes you may be best served by putting that issue on one side, if you can, to deal with later when you are more secure. It's a very upsetting and traumatic thing to bring to the forefront of one's mind as a possibility.

In the short term you may have to appear to play along with M, just until you can get some stability elsewhere. In your position I would not be saying a word about saving up to move elsewhere. If they coerced you to move back this would probably not be welcome news and they may do whatever they can to prevent you. Don't give them that opportunity. You are your number one priority. Look after yourself.

[intothewest26]

Thank you for the responses. I will check out the toolbox.

I think talking to my psychiatrist was about control, as much as I want to think she may have really been concerned about me (which is what she says.) She has threatened psych wards to me before if I question her on anything or try and call her out on some behavior, rather than it being a genuine concern for my mental health. She is also aware I used to work in a psychiatric hospital right after graduating college, at which point I was diagnosed with PTSD again from what I witnessed there, but she continues to threaten it anyway.

My therapist recognizes my mom's behavior as unusual, but my psychiatrist, while she seemed to better understand my perspective once I talked to her about it at the next session, at the time didn't seem to be very understanding. M had been emailing her, and I'm not entirely sure what was said. This psychiatrist has also told me I should eat one meal a day in response to me saying I was exercising and trying to lose weight healthily (not sure if she was serious, because what) I may not continue seeing her in the long term.

I think it's very plausible M may have also been abused. The things my grandpa says are huge red flags, make me very uncomfortable, and seem to have gotten worse with age, combined with the fact that he's also not my biological grandpa, he's her stepdad. Grandma also has very poor boundaries, and she is in the memory I have of the potential abuse in a way that does not seem good and at the very least was an invasion of my privacy. I can't say for sure who it was right now, but that may come out during therapy. It is very upsetting, but I think you're right, I need to focus on protecting my wellbeing and getting out of this situation.