Incredibly well hidden lifelong abuse.

[DWS]

So, I just had my lightbulb moment regarding my Dad.

I've been involved in local 12 step, homelessness/mental health groups as a volunteer for well over a decade. Spotting people who may disrupt groups with their PDs was something I had great confidence in, while being aware that while in an avocational position, I could not and should not diagnose.

I had repeated proven success and handled the issues gently and effectively for all concerned. My armchair psychological knowledge certainly helped here.

This mild arrogance on my part, left me very very blind to my lifelong abuser. The unbelievably effective methods of emotional torture, while remaining obfuscated, are so well honed, they demand reluctant respect.

My dad has been picking at the same wounds for 40 years, as well as riling my mother up like fighting dog, only to vent on me. It's such a shock, but at the same time there's been an ongoing acceptance that something was seriously wrong.

There has been very little physical abuse, but the timing of the slamdowns and the subject matters demonstrate an adept skill at noticing what's important to me, and what I rely on for support.

This systematic rug-pulling of everything dear to me, has lead me to the gates of death many times.

As I was digging into an argument we had over something trivial, I realised some consistent flaws in his arguments. I pulled the thread and the whole thing unraveled. It was like the Wizard of Oz pulling back the curtain scene, but a pathetic, cowardly sadist was revealed.

I realised even the rare events of encouragement I'd cherished so dearly were fabricated by myself. There was nothing. Not one warm gesture.

One quick example is when I had to move back into my folks in my early 20s after a bout of depression I can now clearly see is liked to the resulting PTSD of this abuse. I got so much worse after moving back. I told myself they were kind. Every time I brought up my alcoholism they would accuse me of being on drugs. "What's the difference?" I asked. Circular arguments and ridicule were their response.

I found out last week that my parents had planted a burnt spoon and some burnt foil, then proceeded to spread rumors about me being a heroin addict around the town. I'd wondered where they came from. I literally have never even seen heroin in my entire life.

It was not the nature of the substance that concerned me. It was the incredibly horrible motive. My mum was a terrible alcoholic who could not face that fact - ever, it was far easier to dismiss me as a junky. My dad picked up on this and used it as a device to torture me. He could see I was never as upset as when my mum denied my truthful reporting of my condition. I was never as cut off as when I could not even discuss my malady, let alone get help. I was never as frightened and depressed. No phone, no car and all my old friends had left the town. He then used this to further his gleeful sadism by backing her up. I could go on and on about this phase of my destruction with other sadistic methods he used to attempt to kill me. I literally ended up in hell - delirium tremens symptoms summoned demonic hallucinations in that sad spare room.

There's so much of this stuff. So so much I'm overwhelmed. Newly remembered and correctly remembered stuff keeps cropping up all the time. I was playing cards last night and had, what I now recognise as a PTSD episode I've not yet recovered from. My throat is still swollen and lumpy and my hands have a tremor.i have no idea what these symptoms mean or even if their related to what happened. They shouted at me for making a silly mistake while playing a card game - all at once. The sound took on a twisted electronic distortion and cut through me like glass. I was in a 'robotic' state for the rest of the night - which freaked most people out. I was using all of my being to remain a socially accepted human being.

I'm lucky to already have a support network, it's saved my life. But I really loose identification on many levels with it come to this stuff.

I'm OKish, better for dumping this here.

Thanks for being here everyone.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome.

I hope you can now start the process of healing.

Hugs.

[intothewest26]

Hi. I just joined the forum myself (for the second time, technically.) I can relate to what you're saying with both of my own parents, maybe not to that level, but it's still there. I have barely any memories from childhood really, but from what I do remember and while reading your post, it felt extremely familiar. I am still learning about this stuff, but I can say that your experience is valid. No one deserves this.

[DWS]

Hi. I just joined the forum myself (for the second time, technically.) I can relate to what you're saying with both of my own parents, maybe not to that level, but it's still there. I have barely any memories from childhood really, but from what I do remember and while reading your post, it felt extremely familiar. I am still learning about this stuff, but I can say that your experience is valid. No one deserves this.

Thanks for this. It's been such a surreal experience. And I don't think you should compare your internal experience to my dramatic ramblings. This horrible stuff seems to be targeted at those that react with the most pain - it's tailor made for each one of us. Sometimes the practical events don't seem bad at all to others. How can I convey that my dad refusing to switch a fridge on was aimed at torturing me for months? Sounds like I'm going crazy over something trivial. And that's precisely how it's designed. The levels of severity are impossible to compare.

Slowly, but surely moving towards some kind of acceptance and peace. Studying a few cases like this around me, while completely missing my own has humbled me. I've a lot to learn.

Also, I'm not always as intense as my initial post suggests! Bloody hell - I just read it back. I'm so glad I had an opportunity to put the story down somewhere though, I really needed to.