Finally seeing the full delusional logic in action

[arcticfox]

So, I think my spouse has BPD. I've suspected it for about a month, after turning to the internet for answers when I started to question my own sanity as well as his. We recently moved in together and that's when the absurd circular arguments, his depression and all sorts of crazy just escalated. I could not for the life of me understand why everything was so incredibly difficult and the smallest things started to always somehow end up in weird blame games, invisible (to me) power plays and hurt feelings for both. He always insisted we had "a communication problem", and almost got me convinced that I was very bad at communicating my needs and ideas, when the truth seems to be that he just simply either chooses not to listen, or, like it looks now, doesn't really care about my feelings. Actually, more accurately he doesn't even see me as a separate person: my own thoughts and feelings are not something he deliberately ignores but rather something that does not exist and therefore do not need to be taken into consideration.


Plenty of small and bigger examples of this, on the general lines of him feeling so incredibly bad and depressed and stressed out because this absolutely huge and unfair pressure that NO ONE ELSE feels. (Sarcasm here. He has stress because he has a demanding but normal job and three kids who live with him every other week. Nobody forced him to have kids, but yet the horrid pressure of waking up in the morning to give the young teenagers breakfast, feed them in the evening and ask "how's homework" while having a day job is just crushing his will to live.)

I have turned every corner that I can think of to try and help him because he truly feels horrible, anxious and depressed and has a feeling that everything is futile and that he is "dead and empty" inside. I have carried his life for him, his kids, his home, the whole move. I have found him therapists and doctors and gotten him on medication for depression. None of this has helped one bit, and the only thing that has changed over the past year is that he has started to blame me more and more for all of his problems, completely forgetting any and all efforts and nice things and sacrifices I have done for him, and the blame game has started to reach crazytown for real. He does not act violent or yell directly at me, but he talks in a very mean and bitter way, deliberately trying to poke me to react, or talk about things he knows I have a sore spot for. He has also stopped comforting me when I'm sad or just a bit down and in need of encouragement, telling me to just suck it up or even creating a show out of thin air so that the focus is back on him and his feelings.

Anyway, the tipping point came today. Last Saturday was a good evening, we had fun, and were chatting and planning a trip next week (which I have been asking for for months and let down several times, and he knows this.) He was working on a craft (a chair) made out of wicker. All of a sudd n he smacks me with one of the sticks to my upper thigh, apparently to show me how sturdy it is (???). I, like a normal human being, react with "Ow!! Dude, what, not okay to hit me out of the blue, that really hurts!" And not even in a super angry way, like half laughing. He quickly says he's sorry. Then he picks up his headphones, turns a video on on his phone and stops talking to me. I go "seriously? You're just going to mope because I said "ow, stop" when you hurt me?". He says "don't be ridiculous. I'm done with this conversation if that's how you're going to be."

After that I went to bed crying (he saw but didn't care). Then he slept for about 48hrs (I think he got up to get candy and energy drinks while I was at work. Btw this is a grown 40-year old man, not a teenager.)
He slept through two days of important meetings, work and his therapy and did not take his meds. When he finally emerged from the bedroom he came straight to me and announced that he was very upset by my completely unnecessary overreaction, that he could never ever trust me again enough to have sex with me but not to worry, I could probably get that elsewhere if I wanted, and that I was such an untrustworthy and all around horrible person that he had no interest in ever going on any kind of trip with me. 

I packed a bag and left to my friends house, after sending him a message that this was completely unacceptable and that I was really hurt and upset. 3 hrs later he asks me via text why I'm not coming home. I repeat myself calmly, and he goes "what, are you still upset about that old thing? It's bygones, I don't even remember it anymore!" And continues to be angry and baffled AT ME because I'm the difficult one who clings to the ancient history. Then astarts to tell me how bad he feels when I'm not at home. In the whole convo, not a word about me, my feelings, my opinions, my memory, my experience. Only him. His feelings. His world. If he doesn't feel it's a big thing then it simply is not, and I must be the crazy one who's not in the same reality as him. Not to mention the mental gymnastics required to somehow make it my fault he felt bad when he hit me and I said "ow don't do that".

I am incredibly sad, angry and disillusioned right now. This really was a person I had an amazing connection with, who really "got" me, who helped me open up and explore the world, helped me sort out my own mental health in the beginning, we had amazing conversations  that lasted hours, laughed, joked, cried (in a good way) and I love (loved?) him with all my heart. And then to drop to the ground and realise that he is not really there. Or that I am not a person to him anymorez if I ever was. This is just soul crushing in so, so many ways.

My point here, I think, is to just vent and ask others when and in what kind of situations you realised the whole situation in all its terrible glory? I kept making excuses and thinking he just had a bad day, or was so depressed that it's natural to not be very attentive to others (which can be true, depression drains your energy). For me the worst thing maybe is that I don't even think he's being deliberately mean or somehow
plotting something macchiavellian, he really just functions in such a way that the only way to protect himself from the pain and non-existence is to focus his whole world into his feelings and make his loved ones just props who only exist to either help or hinder. And there is nothing, no amount of couples therapy, communication techniques or  yoga or whatever that can help because the problem lies way deeper in him. He suffers, I suffer, the kids see weird stuff that nobody can explain to them and nobody wins.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Artic Fox - I'm glad you found this forum.

It is soul crushing - I get it, we get it here.

Please look at the tools and other posts, there are some great books/videos out there to gain some knowledge.  It helped me.  It also made me feel less alone.

I read Splitting by Bill Eddy and Out of the FOG by Morningstarr.  On Youtube, I often watch Narcdaily and Dr. Ramani.

After reading your post, it seems like you've spent a lot of energy and time on him, please take this time to focus on yourself. 

[arcticfox]

Thank you Plant Flowers Not Weeds. I started crying from relief from the sheer empathy and understanding I could read from your reply. It feels so overhwelmingly good to be validated: these things are so incredibly difficult to explain in a clear way to someone who has not seen and felt the odd circus that seems to be constant when sharing your life with a PD (that is the right term, yes? If not please correct me). I have very good friends but I don't even know how I would start to explain the situation without a 5 hour conversation to first just to get to the starting point.

I spent the last three hours reading through posts here and it just blew my mind how eerily accurate almost all of the experiences I see here are. I'm sending virtual hugs to everyone here and am so thankful that people have shared their stories and thoughts and feelings. And I'm sorry for all here who have had the odd  and horrible things thrown at them: you don't deserve it. Nobody does.

[Boat Babe]

Hey articfox.  First here's a big hug cos you need one. ((( )))

People arrive here in seven states of hell here and we really understand. Your experience sounds so very painful and you are in the eye of the storm right now. I think you need to hold on to a couple of things right now until things calm down a bit for you and you are not in such excruciating pain.

The first is: don't go back.  Do, please do a bit of research on trauma bonding and the "addictive" aspect of traumatic relationships and our brain chemistry. Knowledge really is power. Do, also, be aware of lovebombing; you newly ex partner is quickly going to realize he's lost his source of support and comfort and is going to try to get you back. I'd put money on it. So be aware of promises to change and of the intractable nature of personality disorders.

Secondly you need to look after yourself right now in order to get through this very painful period and out through to the other side. I promise you that life will get better again. So, baby steps. Self care to the max. Self Compassion to the max. Therapeutic techniques that work for you to the max.

Please keep talking to us here as we truly understand.

[Gwendolyn]

Hi Arcticfox

I have been lurking this forum for a year and when I read your post I finally joined to commiserate with you.  I wish we didn't have to be here together but here we are.  Let's try and take good care of ourselves and trust our instincts.  Somehow they can sense our resolve sometimes and then our exhaustion other times and they have a way to lull us back into service. 

Will be thinking of you as I keep up my friendships and exercises and build "me time" into every day.  Kind regards

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

ariticfox -

I think it is important to share our experiences with family/close friends.  Unless you've had some kind of experience with knowing/living with someone with a personality disorder or are a trained professional, it can be very difficult for people to understand - even those closest to us.

I started small with one friend when I finally shared the verbal abuse that I was living with.  With my father, I shared the big picture.  With my therapist, I shared it all.  I think you get it - it depends on the person how much you'll share and what you'll share.  You know what happened and how it impacted you; some of the people in your life will understand and others may not, but that's okay.

Keep a journal or write.  I did a lot of writing.  When I look back, I can't believe how my life was.  It kept me moving forward when I read my writings.  Your mind has a way of forgetting things in order to live and stay in the fog. 

[arcticfox]

Boat babe: Thank you for the hug, I needed it! Sending one back to you.

Gwendolyn: I'm glad and honoured you posted for the first time just to reply to me. Although it is sad that we have to be here, I'm still grateful this place exists and connects people. I wish you all the best with your "me -time"! I'm working on it myself. Thankfully I have an interesting job with lost of people and friends, and a support network of friends and family that I can spend time with, be at peace and have fun. If you have the energy, I have found that doing something completely new makes me feel way better and broaden my worldview so that it doesn't shrink to a box that only has sadness and problems in it. I hate watching sports, but I went yesterday with a friend to a game and it was soooo much fun and new and exciting! So I would recommend stepping out of one's comfort zone (a bit, not too much)  seems to do wonders at least for me.

Plant Flowers Not Weeds: again you have very good advice, thank you. I think I'll start small, maybe first just talk about his "depression" and how it's affecting me, and go from there. It feels easier to go baby steps and not try to regurgitate the whole saga to someone at once.

Current status: went back, mostly because all my stuff is there and he seems to be a bit more mellow. Not letting my guard down (ever, I think), and just going with MC. It should take me a few weeks to a month to sort out all the stuff I need for me to move away. Meanwhile I think I will not rock the boat, but I also won't apologise for anything anymore and I refuse to me drawn into ridiculous circular conversations anymore. He seems to be confused I'm not angry or reacting to his small poking anymore. And now he wants to take the trip  I'm just curious to see how that'll turn out. I'm 100% sure we won't go, he may plan something but there will be some thing, some disaster, some "situation" at the last moment that will unfortunately mean we can't really go. I feel like I should write down some likely options and then play bingo with myself.

PS last time we tried I just went alone when he refused to leave 2hrs befor departure. Was amazing, I enjoyed the hotel, took long baths and just had two days of me time without anyone pulling me down constantly. Strongly recommend!