Desire to confront PD

Jake Bear · September 06, 2022, 03:47:09 AM

I've read that it's not helpful to confront the PD spouse (npd wife) by sitting them down and explaining their disorder... but I really want to! I haven't but it's there... I want to sit her down and say "this is you and this is what's wrong with you" but i... anyother ways to scratch that itch?

I have a habbit of over complying and my friend is roleplaying with me by telling me not to do (or to do) certain, obviohsly wrong things annnd it is so helpful and feels sooo good telling her "no!"

I didn't understand what she was doing at first.. i thought she was mad but having done it for a while now it feels really good to practice saying "no"

just wanted to share that

moglow · September 06, 2022, 11:18:54 AM

It's not helpful for you to "diagnose" her or anyone else, no. Think how you'd feel if she were to suggest you have a mental issue and she knows exactly what it is then goes into detail how you fit that criteria in her mind ...

Best advice is to address *behaviors* and what might work better between you, and even then it may not go over well. With many, any mention that they are "wrong" is either not heard or you get full-on denial and attack. She might even turn it around on you or blame you/others for her actions.

escapingman · September 06, 2022, 11:31:45 AM

Jake, I called my PDw a Phsyco and a Nutcase in the heat of the moment when she had one of her meltdowns. From that moment on she started calling me exactly this and some more. She might now, or have a feeling, and if you tell her she will have something to project back on you.

Jake Bear · September 07, 2022, 06:11:46 AM

Quote from: moglow on September 06, 2022, 11:18:54 AM
It's not helpful for you to "diagnose" her or anyone else, no. Think how you'd feel if she were to suggest you have a mental issue and she knows exactly what it is then goes into detail how you fit that criteria in her mind ...

Best advice is to address *behaviors* and what might work better between you, and even then it may not go over well. With many, any mention that they are "wrong" is either not heard or you get full-on denial and attack. She might even turn it around on you or blame you/others for her actions.

My friend's a doctor and she told me that shes not npd becaus3 she doesnt see her behaviour as a problem but otherwise meets the critera? sounds like it to me

moglow · September 07, 2022, 07:28:05 AM

Who doesn't see her behavior as a problem? I didn't follow. If your spouse doesn't see a problem why would she change? She may feel she's "fine" just as she is.

One can meet the criteria (in our eyes) and still never be diagnosed. Just because it's labeled doesn't mean recovery will magically happen. A person has to want to change their behavior and thereby their relationships.

escapingman · September 07, 2022, 07:40:36 AM

Quote from: Jake Bear on September 07, 2022, 06:11:46 AM
My friend's a doctor and she told me that shes not npd becaus3 she doesnt see her behaviour as a problem but otherwise meets the critera? sounds like it to me

But that is where the problem is, right in front of you, she doesn't see her behaviour as a problem and therefor no reason to change.

bat123 · September 07, 2022, 12:45:11 PM

Hi, Jake! It's very easy to get hung up on the idea that our partner has a diagnosable disorder, but in reality many of them would not actually meet the DSM criteria. And it probably doesn't really matter— the important thing is that their behavior hurts you, and you find yourself having to "manage" them in order to keep your sanity. That is enough, I think. I feel like we get hooked into the idea of a "diagnosis" in order to help make our case. But I think we should all get more comfortable (myself included!) with the idea that we have a right to have OUR needs met! For example, we have a right to expect clear, honest, and non-threatening communication with our partners. That's probably what the conversation should be about, rather than trying to diagnose them. But, sadly, if they truly have NPD (or are even just high in narcissistic traits) you probably won't get your needs met in the relationship. It's a lost cause trying to explain to them that there is something wrong with them— and it ends up feeding into the yucky codependent dance that many of us get stuck in.

downwiththefog · November 04, 2022, 06:22:09 AM

Thanks for the opinions expressed in this thread.
On discovering the world of PD three years ago I too felt the "Lightbulb Moment" and immediately fell into the trap of "Amateur Diagnosis".

I feel silly now, but even if my confronting uPDw was fruitless and made things worse, if I hadn't tried I'd be still feeling that I should have, so no regret.

And even now, it may still be difficult to do GR MC ...

rainintheface2023 · November 07, 2022, 01:12:23 AM

In my experience it's either one of these three scenario's (but I understand it won't count for every PD):

1. PD knows they are behaving that way
2. They are aware they are acting but do it anyway and won't admit to it
3. PD is relaxed/opens up and is able to talk about it

PlantFlowersNotWeeds · November 07, 2022, 06:34:17 PM

From my experience, my exPD husband projected onto me to the extreme. He was cheating on me, but accused me of it constantly. He didn't share his money, but told me I was a control freak. You get it. So if I had tried to talk to him, even about his behavior as it related to a PD, he would have turned it all back to me. Unfortunately, any time I tried to have a heart to heart - or even exposed my own vunerabilities, it was used against me.

Sgeorge · November 08, 2022, 09:57:17 AM

In my experience with my wife, I'd say that talking to such person is not only a waste of time, it's possibly harmful.

Numerous times I tried to explain to my wife that her behaviour gets downright emotionally abusive. That no matter what I might have possibly done wrong, what she does (includes name-calling, silence treatment, neglect, and most notably threats of leaving me or claims we already are broken up) is not the right answer, but even makes everything worse for both of us.

It's worse than talking to a brick wall, at least the walk doesn't punch you back. My wife, however, would get defensive and try to shift the blame on me. That I should've learned how to deal with her behaviour already and if I can't, it means I'm dumb and weak, and if that's so, that's just another good reason for her to behave the way she does. She even agrees emotional violence is no better than physical violence, she just doesn't care. Apparently I let her behave this way, so I deserve it. It's an easy way for an escalation, fight and making the situation even worse.

So, confronting such person doesn't help and can backfire horribly.

downwiththefog · November 08, 2022, 10:17:52 AM

Quote from: escapingman on September 06, 2022, 11:31:45 AM
Jake, I called my PDw a Phsyco and a Nutcase in the heat of the moment when she had one of her meltdowns. From that moment on she started calling me exactly this and some more. She might now, or have a feeling, and if you tell her she will have something to project back on you.

my experience as well