From their perspective

[Jake Bear]

Something that troubles me is when I put myself in my wife's shoes. I know she sees things differently and I know she sees that she's the victim, that she's not doing wrong and that when I stand up for myself she sees me as the monster.

[escapingman]

That is something you need to move past, I was stuck in that thinking for years. Just because she sees things different to the reality, doesn't mean she should be allowed to hurt you (which I assume she does if she see you as a monster).

[Jake Bear]

...

Well yeah she does hurt me a lot, on a daily basis. its draining. im oh so tired of it. just frustrating that's all. thanks

[SeaBreeze]

I fell into this trap with uNPDh for years. Put myself in his shoes to see things from his perspective, while he's consistently refused to see mine. Showed him the empathy he clearly could not/would not show me. Assumed certain emotions that he's incapable of feeling himself. It only ever got me into trouble and created more FOG. It feels cold and cruel to me, but I've learned to remind myself to stop trying to see things from his point of view and/or assume what he's feeling. Not saying I don't try to be kind or considerate, but if he reacts to something I say or do in typical dramatic PD fashion, I use The Tools and leave his emotions for him to sort out himself, while I take care of my own stuff!

[Jake Bear]

Seabreeze? It is so challenging. I'm in the middle of something with my spouce again. I've tried breaking up so many times but she turns abusive when she sees it coming. I want out! In a foreign country... can't call the police... would have by now if this had happened back home.

[escapingman]

Seabreeze? It is so challenging. I'm in the middle of something with my spouce again. I've tried breaking up so many times but she turns abusive when she sees it coming. I want out! In a foreign country... can't call the police... would have by now if this had happened back home.

Why can't you call the police? If for some reason you are not allowed to be in the country I am not sure what to say though. But you need out. My STBX didn't accept me divorcing her, she kept fighting, crying, screaming at me until I had to have her move out through a court order. It is not possible to deal with these people on our own, we need someone else as a middleman.

[Jake Bear]

The police take bribes here and thats out of my comfort zone. Good news she left without violence happening. Will keep you updated

[Preamble]

Jake Bear I am sorry you are going through this.  Personally I don't believe that the uPD person in our lives has just one pair of "shoes".  Internally they are fractured into many different disconnected viewpoints.