Is This PTSD?

[Kat54]

I've kept saying I should return to therapy but have not yet. Some days I feel great and on top of the world and other days I want to stay in bed all day if I could. Have never done that but I've been feeling so exhausted lately and can't figure out why.

I've been having crazy dreams for awhile, some about my ex, though in the dreams we are never together. He's just there.
When I'm alone and not as busy I rehash in my head the things he did to me and our kids. The verbal abuse to me and physical and verbal abuse to my kids. I can't let it go and not that I feel angry toward him but it's this constant thing in the back of my head. But at times I feel like I'm having small panic attacks and lots of anxiety which I've never really had or felt but for whatever reason it's gotten worse.  I break out into a sweat and have this sudden heaviness in my chest and feel like I can't breathe.
Why now? I'm almost 2 years divorced and starting to date a little.

I'm volunteering, working on my house and my new life is getting better... or so I think.  Going back to my hometown where my ex is and my kids, and siblings are has gotten a little harder but it's ok. I can do an overnight but not two and we can be together, the ex and I, and we are pleasant but it's hard.

[Andeza]

It could be. I've heard some pretty compelling stuff that says PTSD is just one of the ways the brain can rewire itself in response to a stressor. PTSD tends to occur around a single traumatic incident though, not years worth. Then it transitions to C-PTSD. I believe Pete Walker has a book that addresses that quite well, but I don't recall the name. It's mentioned here on the forum though and should be pretty easy to find. You might start there, and then use that information to help you decide which type of therapy would help you.

[Kat54]

Thank you for the thoughts and ideas. Yes I think therapy is the way to go. I've put it off thinking I can handle this. But I've been having huge anxiety lately. I think it's relationship/marriage related for sure. Which could be C-PTSD, But I'm not a therapist so can't definitely say.
Another incident today regarding dating put me into a tail spin and I've recognized it's very unhealthy. 

[JustKeepTrying]

Hi Kat54 - PTSD is different for everyone.  It's not just a soldier surviving a bombing - it could be any number of things.  Surviving an abusive marriage is definitely cause for PTSD.

I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago by a neuropsychiatrist.  I was having seizures (panic attacks) and bouts of aphasia daily.  My xOCPDh wanted to put me in a nursing home.  The doc recommended EMDR and work with a trauma therapist.  My therapist works with domestic violence survivors and gun violence survivors.  Here in the US, you can find through Psychology Today website specific therapists to address your issues.  My current therapist is my third - the first two didn't work for me.

I am three years out of the divorce.  A month ago I had a seizure - in a restaurant in front of a large group of people - it was a complete PTSD flashback.  I had nightmares and all those scenarios you described.  Just couldn't get it out of my head.  I finally faced the fact that I have not really told anyone how bad it was in the end and how it became physically abusive.  I am going back into therapy and will keep working on it.

In addition to therapy, consider journaling.  At night when the thoughts are the worst.  Do a complete free write dump - don't stop and check your spelling or typos but just go for it and see where it goes.  I have made some insights and connections that I wouldn't have seen before - just let it flow and really don't self monitor.  It helps.  Just know you aren't alone and there are others walking the same path.

[notrightinthehead]

Hi Kat, I-am 4 years out now, NC for most of them. After year two, when I thought I should be over most of it, I started to wake up in the middle of the night and felt nearly uncontrollable rage. What to do with such a feeling at 3 in the morning? At that stage I was attending CoDA meetings regularly and had emotional support. The flare up of anger (which I had to suppress during my marriage) lasted for the better part of a year. In the end I prayed for this fury to be taken from me and eventually it lifted. I believe it had to come out and I had to feel it and let it run it's course.

Now you have started dating and I can imagine that you might worry you don't recognize red flags and end up with a similar person such as your husband. You might have suppressed a lot of your own feelings to allow you to remain in a relationship that was bad for you. Anxiety might have kept you in your place.  I am glad that you are planning to get emotional support. Are you working on your friendship group? I have found it hard work to build up a group of friends but I have some acquaintances that are promising. I have started to make a list of attributes I require from a friend. My expectations are not high but at least I have some now. I used to believe that I have to put up with and make the best of it, with whatever life threw at me. I also used to think that if anybody had a request or expectation, I had to fulfill them. I am working on that misconception.
I now believe that the path to healing lies in looking at my own traits, getting to know myself,  exposing myself to unknown, mildly scary situations and muddling  through. To develop the personality that was never encouraged to form in all the years of parental and then spousal abuse.

As others have written, your anxiety attacks might be flash-backs from the years of abuse. If that is so, you want to learn to calm yourself in such a moment. Tell yourself, this is a flash-back from the past. Learn breathing techniques. Get real life support. And do not let your c-PTSD take over. Allow it to heal. And tell us what works for you. Let us support each other in our healing.