Letting my sister hit rock bottom

[Carolina]

I have a sister who was diagnosed with BPD several years ago.  Before that she had suffered from an eating disorder for over ten years.  She has racked up $500,000 in student loan debt, though she wasn't able to finish law school.  She was having some obvious psychotic breaks/paranoid episodes.  I'd receive a phone call or email every once in a while claiming that Nazis were overrunning the city she was in, or that she was convinced the telephone poles along the street were being used for some darker devious purpose.  When she dropped out of school she started living with my mom, who had been renting a condo from me.  Before my sister moved in it was the perfect set up.  I gave my mom a really good deal on rent, and I'd go over to the condo all the time to visit with my mom.  When my sister moved in, my family was actually relieved because we were so worried about her being paranoid and delusional, and wanted to be sure she wasn't going to act on any of those delusions.  There was never any written or verbal agreement about the living situation.  My mom had tried to have her sign a contract that she would go to therapy, but she didn't sign it.  It had ALWAYS been known that it was temporary, and that I was planning to sell the condo at the end of the summer.

Flash forward a couple of months.  My sister won't allow me to come over to my own condo.  She has spent months doing basically nothing to move forward in her life.  No job, no social life.  She lays in bed all day on twitter, spewing ridiculous nonsense into the void.  She has a conspiracy theory and someone to blame for everything that has gone wrong in her life.  As far as conversations go, any conversation about her plans, her mental health, her financial status are immediately a screaming match.  The police has been called several times in the hopes they would take her to the hospital for a mental health crisis, but she has always been able to calm down and mask herself in time.  It doesn't help that the mental health response teams in this city take several hours to respond.

Now it's the end of the summer and my mom has moved out of the condo, but my sister refuses to leave.  I'm going through the process of having her formally evicted.  She is fighting it in every way possible.  For example, I had to serve her papers which she had 7 days to respond to.  It was really a piece of paper with a fill-in-the blank of "I am entitled to this property and the owner is not because_____________.  She wrote an 8 page long response sent via email with 24 attachments, including one attachment on the health effects of 5g which was 150 pages long.

The biggest challenge for my family and I right now is the thought of potentially forcing her into homelessness.  I've consulted with a therapist and she thought that sometimes letting a person hit rock bottom is the only way to let them realize something is wrong with them.  It's so hard to think of her being in harms way.  And I have discussed with my mom that maybe we can give her one of our cars so that she's safer.  But after we talk about that it's usually not long that my sister does or says something so outlandishly entitled and mean, that it makes even that gesture difficult to fathom.  I'm so nervous having to do all this eviction stuff- I never ever wanted to have to go to a small claims court in my life.  It seems like no matter what we do it will be the wrong decision.  The more we tell her she needs mental health treatment the more angry and hurt my sister becomes, but it is the truth!  And it is the only thing that will ever get her back on track.

We've researched BPD inpatient facilities.  Maybe if she is forced into homelessness, then she will be willing to go inpatient?  But they're all so expensive, we could  probably buy her a little apartment to live in the for the same price.  Would it be worth it though, because it would be giving again, and she wouldn't be getting any therapy.  Would buying her a place to live or paying her rent be "feeding the monster?"  Has anyone here ever tried letting their loved one hit rock bottom as a strategy to force a change?  It's a heart-wrenching possibility, but my family and I are considering it for my sister.

[Starboard Song]

We've researched BPD inpatient facilities.  Maybe if she is forced into homelessness, then she will be willing to go inpatient?  But they're all so expensive, we could  probably buy her a little apartment to live in the for the same price.  Would it be worth it though, because it would be giving again, and she wouldn't be getting any therapy.  Would buying her a place to live or paying her rent be "feeding the monster?"  Has anyone here ever tried letting their loved one hit rock bottom as a strategy to force a change?  It's a heart-wrenching possibility, but my family and I are considering it for my sister.

Start at the Toolbox, where one of the simplest mantras is also the truest: the The Three Cs. You didn't CAUSE this. You cannot CONTROL this. And you -- you -- cannot CURE this. So begin by realizing that you are doing your level best with a bad situation. Some of what you are describing sounds psychotic: way beyond a personality disorder. And so I'm sure the homework you are doing is spot on: that their are in-patient options for treatment, and other, less intense options. I'd suggest discussing this with one of those providers. They no-doubt see cases like this, and can provide guidance.

Our own version is our decision that it is not our job to caretake my MIL. We've been NC for seven years, no doubt inflicting enormous emotional pain, for she lost contact with half of her children and her only grandchild. I simply will not take responsibility for her loss and pain. It was the pathway foisted upon us.

If you do decide to let her sink or swim, remember it isn't a trick you are playing: she may just decide to sink, and there may be no bounce off the bottom. That is something you and your family need to prepare for. I wish you good luck. Hopefully someone here will have better, more direct experience.

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

It would be helpful for you and your family to have more support, other than from this forum. You could contact your local carers centre. They should be able to help and support you more.

The phrase that comes to my mind is from a carer in a support group I attend is "By helping you aren't helping".

You can't force anyone to go to therapy. Like my sister she has no insight into her behaviour. She doesn't think that she has any mental health issues so she doesn't think that she needs any therapy. She tells the family that we are the ones who are dysfunctional. Well maybe we are now after trying to cope with her abusive behaviour for decades.

Stay calm. Observe, don't absorb.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat.

Let the professionals take over. Give over the responsibility of caring for your sister to them.

Your sister clearly needs professional help.

I care but can't cope.

You may like to follow the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[xredshoesx]

my heart goes out to you.  it is so hard to see someone you love struggle knowing any help you give them is in vain.

my biological mother's parents have rescued her from her rock bottom since before i was born.  i'm almost 51 and have been NC with all of them more than half my life because of it.  in our family it was felt that the reason they kept rescuing her while doing nothing for their other son, was that they were basically buying my mother's silence about the conception/ birth of her first child, who she had at 14, who is 9 years older than me and i was told to call 'uncle'. 

to me walking away from it all was the only way that my truth didn't get lost in all the cover up/ lies.   i second what starboard song suggested with the readings from toolbox.  NC isn't always a guarantee of peace either.  I think for you what matters most is what boundaries you pick for yourself- the things that you won't negotiate with her at all on- so no matter where she is in her process, it can't continue to hurt you too.  it could be as severe as NC or just something like not answering her calls/ texts after 8pm. 

again my heart goes out to you.  hope to see you on the boards soon

[Carolina]

Thank you for all the support and insight!  Everything is helpful right now!

I'm in Colorado and we may have some public options that I haven't researched well enough yet.  I'll continue to try!