I seem to be backsliding

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I feel I'm backsliding.  Things are getting really out of balance with me agreeing to caretake family urgencies and emergencies because I'm the logical person and there's no one else.   There's a lot going on right now, and I'm getting really tired and kind of burned out, and not getting enough sleep.  I'm not finding time to take care of my own business, let alone some free time for enjoyment where I'm not too worn out to take advantage of it.  This is an old pattern that I've lived from the time I was a young child taking on the responsibilities a parent should have been doing (had there been one who could function)..

Why can't I say "no" right now?  I've been doing codependency recovery for years and can say no to a lot of things.  But a vulnerable person in my family (and there are 3) needs me, their needs are waaaaay more serious than mine, and there I am putting out the fires like it's my FT job.  It's not right.  I can feel that in my gut.  What will it take for me to let go of this pattern?  What am I afraid of that keeps me tied into this?

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Lookin 2 B free,

I read your post with interest because I thought to myself, this is someone who I know has been here and doing a lot of self-work over time! I wonder why they feel this way at the moment.

I read your post and I see you are facing some decisions about your time and resources while certain people in your life are in need of things - and you know that those things are unlikely to be provided by others. This is a rough situation to be in, for any of us.

The first thing that comes to mind is - remember that the situation you are in, would be a challenge for anyone with a heart. It is hard on most of us when family members come to us with the urgencies and emergencies they want us to take care of. Backsliding is a part of recovery for all of us and we hear you!

You wrote that "their needs are waaaay more serious than mine". I'm sure that is true in the sense that their urgencies / emergencies are probably needs know have to be addressed, can't go unaddressed (i.e. they might be health related, or have a short timeline on them).

I hear you about the codependency recovery. What I realized as I have worked on my own (on-going) codependency recovery, is that my needs were so poorly understood by my FOO, growing up, that I was also very bad at understanding them (hence the need for codependency recovery). I'm not suggesting you are not aware of your own needs - clearly you are from how you are feeling your burn out.

What I know now is that in ANY situation (as an adult) where my needs are being set aside, it will remind me of childhood (and the attendant state of helplessness, loss of control, etc..). It can't not - it is what we experienced. Our needs were set aside; that is a core experience for those of us with PD FOO.

There are points in codependency recovery that I have found so "sticky" or complex, for lack of a better term. Where 'on paper' this 'looks straightforward' (i.e. "just say no to these people!") but in reality, it's tricky / sticky stuff. Maybe this is one of those points for you. Maybe you want to help with SOME of the needs for some of your family members right now, but their lack of respect for boundaries, makes it an "all or nothing" situation. The lack of boundaries is NOT your fault in the least! Those come from dysfunctional dynamics at the FOO level, not the individual level...

...In a group with enough reasonable people thinking reasonably, there will be a 'natural' awareness that one person cannot be leaned on for everything. In a dysfunctional FOO, this reasonable thought just doesn't exist (in my personal experience).

Like you wrote, things are now out of balance, and you can feel it, and you know it. It can be really hard to help someone, when they want "ALL" of you all the time. It's like, when I give someone a ride somewhere once a week, all of a sudden they demand I drive them around every day - they 'missed' the part where we keep boundaries and balance on what we expect and do for each other.

There are a lot of people like that.

I find them very very hard to deal with and I sympathize with you that you are now feeling burned out. That comes from having too many demands placed onto you, as well as (perhaps), the fact that these current situations, are triggering reminders from when you were a child and such demands were also placed on you. So sometimes we end up with 2 things to process. The stress from the current situation, and the stress from being in a flashback (as Pete Walker describes so well in his writings).

It goes without saying that people in our FOO won't see this the way that we do.

Processing those two stressors takes time, and rest, which is why you yearn for time for yourself right now. Our bodies are wise!

People without childhood trauma might get burned out from high stress times (as adults), but they don't also have to deal with the fact that being stressed, triggers them into remembering the times they were forced to deal with such levels of stress as a small child. People without codependency might have a really stressful week at work, but once they get a few days off, they can rest and recover.

Those of us with trauma histories need more time, and more practices to help us reset and rest and recharge after stressful periods. (As I write this, I am reminded of how little I appreciated this fact for most of my adulthood so far. I would try to process stress the same way people without trauma histories did, and wonder why it didn't work).

My answer to your question is that I'm wondering if you wish you could offer some help, some of the time, and have your limits respected. Sadly, there are people who will take and take and take, and so our desire to have balance in the give and take, it just doesn't 'work' because the takers just don't know how to stop themselves from taking more. And more. And more. This is my best guess as to what might be going on for you. I could be off-course.

Sleep is a huge flag for me now (it wasn't when I first started my recovery from FOG). When someone (anyone....besides a very small child) has so many needs that it means I go without sleep to meet those needs, this is a red flag for me now.

When someone (adult) in my life is ignoring the fact that I'm losing sleep, and they are not concerned about my need for adequate rest, I really pull back on what I do for that person, out of sheer self-preservation. I have found that a person's attitude towards my need for rest, is a solid indicator of what they actually think about me / respect and appreciate about the things I do for them.

Their response to me saying "I'm really too tired to do that this week but I could hopefully help you out after I've gotten some rest" tells me a lot about what they actually think about me / appreciate about me.

You may or may not have the option to pull back on helping them out right now, but do keep in mind that all of the hard work you've done in your recovery is not lost. It is never lost. You will never not 'see' your needs anymore. If people can't see your need for rest, just know that in the long term, you are already aware of where the limit is in terms of a relationship with them. Sleep and rest are valid needs and you deserve to rest as much as needed.

We codependents were often told to ignore our need for rest. I know I was.  In our future, chosen relationships, we WILL know what to do when we meet new people who behave like this. With FOO of course it is not as easy. My heart does go out to you as you navigate this.

I hope some of that is relevant for you right now! Just sharing the nuggets of wisdom I've learned in my journey Out of the FOG, from here and from others throughout the years. I hope you get some much needed rest very soon!

Trees

[SonofThunder]

I feel I'm backsliding.  Things are getting really out of balance with me agreeing to caretake family urgencies and emergencies because I'm the logical person and there's no one else.   There's a lot going on right now, and I'm getting really tired and kind of burned out, and not getting enough sleep.  I'm not finding time to take care of my own business, let alone some free time for enjoyment where I'm not too worn out to take advantage of it.  This is an old pattern that I've lived from the time I was a young child taking on the responsibilities a parent should have been doing (had there been one who could function)..

Why can't I say "no" right now?  I've been doing codependency recovery for years and can say no to a lot of things.  But a vulnerable person in my family (and there are 3) needs me, their needs are waaaaay more serious than mine, and there I am putting out the fires like it's my FT job.  It's not right.  I can feel that in my gut.  What will it take for me to let go of this pattern?  What am I afraid of that keeps me tied into this?

Lookin 2 B Free,

Im very sorry you are dealing with vulnerable, needy family members and codependency.  I wish you steady progress.  I dont have an single answer to your question, but will say that imo, many difficult and good desires to master are easier chewed and swallowed in smaller bites.  Eventually we consume the whole goal. 

I believe that with me, overcoming the fear of unknowns, was one of my biggest hurdles at the onset of every major change in myself.  For example, learning and applying the toolbox was so very difficult at first, but with practice, deployment was steadily easier and needed less recall to deploy quicker and to completion.  In addition, was my fear of the unknown actions/reactions by those who would experience my toolbox deployment.  But, bravely stepping off the precipice and turning all unknowns to knowns has helped in such a very large way, and paved a smoother road for my deploying even more tools and accomplishing goals 😀.

Knowns are much easier to deal-with, prepare-for and even avoid, vs. unknowns so I will encourage you to write down the unknowns which are fearful.  Also, it was helpful for me to identify my difficult humans and why they were different/difficult for me to say "no".

1. Are there needy, vulnerable people in your life that you don't caretake? (Family, friends, coworkers?). Is so, what is the difference in these 3 needy people vs those you don't caretake (other than their relation to you)?  Age? Gender? Attitude?  Some facet of your life in which they have control?  Others?  Understanding the differences (they are all human beings) helped me identify my fears.

2. Is it possible that your caretaking is actually doing these 3 people a real disservice?  Is there a possibility that you actually saying "no" could enable these 3 to better care for themselves/their situations by learning through hardship and be more capable, confident humans?  If so, then possibly look at your caretaking, not as helpful, but rather a detriment. 

If you have ever trained a dog, the training at the front end was difficult and filled with failures and hardship, but eventually, the dog turned unknowns to knowns and began to quickly learn. Dog training is tough for both the trainer and the trainee, but if the trainer allows the dog to learn from its own failure (teaching the dog to teach itself), the dog learns much quicker. Afterward, the trained dog is a confident happier dog because it enjoys freedom vs the untrained 'caretaken' dog. 

Again, sorry you are suffering with codependency and caretaking.  I will also highly recommend Fjelstad's book 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline and Narcissist'. It was a life changer for me. I already knew about borderlines and narcissists, but didn't know myself well. That book helped me identify myself and taught me how to change myself, since i cannot change another human being. 

SoT

[hhaw]

L2BF:

"Backsliding" is a judgment about something you're noticing about yourself....a pattern....an old pattern you're changing and that's not necessarily a good or bad thing, ime.

It's a very human thing and might be the just what you need to crystalize commitment and change for yourself.
It might be what you have to experience before internalizing....
accepting....
making peace with what is required to stop giving yourself away.

All the work you've done....
All the peeking behind the curtain to discover the causes and conditions of your codependence will bring revelations, acceptance and what comes next, ime.

Please try to drop judgment....please consider replacing it with curiosity and self compassion.

You're responsible for self care and handling your business.....that much I know for sure.

  It's ok to care for loved ones the way you need to care.....and not the way they say they want you to care.

When you stop caretaking....what comes next will begin.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Trees, Thunder & Hhaw, 

What thoughtful, loving responses.  I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I had to laugh that this is the first time I've had time to even look back here.

One of the 3 people is my little grandchild who is still quite young, one young adult is partially able to function independently, and the other older one not at all.  I think when I do this it's a bit like saving my own child self who was left out in the cold.  At least I'm no longer picking up new ones from "off the street."  : )   And the ones who can take care of themselves but want someone else to are completely out of luck.  No way!

My alarm has gone off and I must get to my little one.  maybe more later as your emails provoked so much helpful thought.  Love to you 3, and to all of you!  xo Free

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I love your name, Trees ... slow but sure. Such a good point you made about how all of this triggers the childhood stuff.   I also have to admit, caretaking serves a purpose for me.  Probably some feeling of being "in control" and also respite from feeling some of the feelings which are harder to handle than being too tired and busy ... like aloneness, fear, grief, "where is my life leading me to.?  Am I going to live the rest of my life and then die alone now? (since leaving the PD)"  My own health and longevity are pretty questionable according to doctors.  I don't like living alone, especially at this juncture of my life.  I could cut back on the helping out -- I've done it before.  I remind myself regularly that it's my choice to continue or not, so maybe I'm actually doing what I want. 

Likewise, Hhaw, the reminder to not condemn ourselves for not doing this thing perfectly.  Put in perspective with some kindness and generosity, I could feel very grateful I've been doing as well as I have.

Maybe, SoT, the fears of the unknown you speak of are what are actually driving the caretaking.  So much seems unknown when I have the time to be aware of and feel it.  Sometimes I feel incredibly vulnerable.  I've done a pretty good job, these past 3-ish years of being unpartnered, of giving myself the space to sit with my feelings, even if I'm not doing that so much right now.

Do you know what I want to do when I'm in touch with my sadness, or fear, or loneliness, or happiness, or excitement?  I want to connect with the PDex whom I haven't spoken with for almost 3 years.  I was able to evict him from my life (barely), and for good reason (as you all know too well).  But there's some part inside of me that hasn't.  No matter that I review all the ridiculous, hopeless, painful, pay through the nose things that caused me to leave and that I never want to repeat, ever.  Underneath it all, and only manifesting for short times, was something very precious that I've never connected with in anyone else before or since.   Something the disorder hadn't destroyed.  But the price was too high, and getting worse.  So this is still better.  It just seems such an awful shame.  I'm sad for me and for him, and the rest of the pwPDs and their loved ones.    <3 Free

[Boat Babe]

I love your name, Trees ... slow but sure. Such a good point you made about how all of this triggers the childhood stuff.   I also have to admit, caretaking serves a purpose for me.  Probably some feeling of being "in control" and also respite from feeling some of the feelings which are harder to handle than being too tired and busy ... like aloneness, fear, grief, "where is my life leading me to.?  Am I going to live the rest of my life and then die alone now? (since leaving the PD)"  My own health and longevity are pretty questionable according to doctors.  I don't like living alone, especially at this juncture of my life.  I could cut back on the helping out -- I've done it before.  I remind myself regularly that it's my choice to continue or not, so maybe I'm actually doing what I want. 

Likewise, Hhaw, the reminder to not condemn ourselves for not doing this thing perfectly.  Put in perspective with some kindness and generosity, I could feel very grateful I've been doing as well as I have.

Maybe, SoT, the fears of the unknown you speak of are what are actually driving the caretaking.  So much seems unknown when I have the time to be aware of and feel it.  Sometimes I feel incredibly vulnerable.  I've done a pretty good job, these past 3-ish years of being unpartnered, of giving myself the space to sit with my feelings, even if I'm not doing that so much right now.

Do you know what I want to do when I'm in touch with my sadness, or fear, or loneliness, or happiness, or excitement?  I want to connect with the PDex whom I haven't spoken with for almost 3 years.  I was able to evict him from my life (barely), and for good reason (as you all know too well).  But there's some part inside of me that hasn't.  No matter that I review all the ridiculous, hopeless, painful, pay through the nose things that caused me to leave and that I never want to repeat, ever.  Underneath it all, and only manifesting for short times, was something very precious that I've never connected with in anyone else before or since.   Something the disorder hadn't destroyed.  But the price was too high, and getting worse.  So this is still better.  It just seems such an awful shame.  I'm sad for me and for him, and the rest of the pwPDs and their loved ones.    <3 Free

That made me well up.

[SonofThunder]

L2BFree,

You wrote:

".....No matter that I review all the ridiculous, hopeless, painful, pay through the nose things that caused me to leave and that I never want to repeat, ever. Underneath it all, and only manifesting for short times, was something very precious that I've never connected with in anyone else before or since.  Something the disorder hadn't destroyed.  But the price was too high, and getting worse.  So this is still better.  It just seems such an awful shame.  I'm sad for me and for him, and the rest of the pwPDs and their loved ones."

Having been married for decades and now in the middle of a divorce i can understand what you wrote.  It IS an awful shame.  It IS sad both her and me.  This IS still better.

Im sorry it happens to us here on Out of the FOG.  I liken it to war; an experience that changes us, changes history and leaves comrades with forever emotional and physical scars.  Now home from the war, we comrades have winding and hilly healing roads ahead. I want to be patient with myself as I continue to learn and unlearn in this next phase of my life.  We are not alone.   

Your fellow comrade,

SoT

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thank you, my fellow comrade, SoT.  I've never been in a war, but I certainly have thought of that analogy.  I wish you well in your process and hope you find a place of contentment in the not-too-distant future.  At least we know there's a place to turn to, day or night, to read what others have shared and express our own experiences and hearts when it seems helpful.    Blessings,  Free