Age old question; 'should I apologize'

[marymackblack]

I wanted to share this with the group. I've been off here for a while because going NC has been great for me and given me a lot of my like back.
Still my BDP sister gets in the cracks and the latest is that she befriended my mom's home caregiver , who is now in a cycle with her of anger,  My mom has Alzheimers. It was just a matter of time of course until my sister turned on the caregiver and cut her off.
Her caregiver has now reached out to me in an email asking me how to navigate her friendship with my sister - asking if she should apologize now that she has a better understanding of BDP etc.  ( I told her to read up on it and it would help her to understand why my sister cut her off) As you all know there are countless resources on the cycle of apology and how the Non PD can enable this.  I felt proud , I sure of myself (!) to be able to write this woman back and say that I am in a good place with all this, and she can decide for herself how to navigate that friendship, but for me I can't do it anymore.

[guitarman]

I can relate to what you posted about as I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister and also our mother was living with Alzheimer's disease. I lived with her and was her carer, although we had carers who visited as well.

You've done so well to set boundaries and stick with them. I know it's not easy. You've not got involved in the relationship between your mother, her carer and your sister.

If your sister has interfered with her care then it is a safeguarding issue and the mental health team need to be informed and take action.

I had many issues with my sister about our mother's care. She felt that it was never good enough, although my sister did nothing to help. She did "remote caring", giving advice and orders from afar. She informed social services complaining about my care of our mother.

Our doctor knew about the situation from many years previously as there had been safeguarding issues about my mother and my sister emotionally abusing her.

My mother's doctor informed me that she had put it in our mother's notes that any issues raised by my sister were to be ignored. That was so kind of her to do that and tell me about it.

I call my sister my abuser and I am her target of abuse. That has redefined our relationship. I haven't had any contact with her since our mother passed away over two years ago. I never want to see her ever again. I've had enough of all her dramas, smear campaigns and abuse.

There are stages of NPD: love bombing, devalue and discard. Your sister seems to have moved into the discard part with the carer.

I would expect that the carer has nothing to apologise for. She may have just been acting quite normally which your sister didn't like.

It's the black or white thinking. Either you are my friend or my enemy.

Become a lighthouse not a lifeboat. Observe, don't absorb. You seem to be already doing both of those.

You've done well not to get triangulated into their relationship and try and fix it for them.

I follow Kris Godinez on YouTube. She is an author and counsellor. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

Perhaps the carer would like to follow her as well to learn more about NPD and how to cope.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe.
Keep posting.

[moglow]

I guess she should start with: She feels she should apologize for what, exactly? Because her friend is angry? Did she cause intentional harm? Is it a friendship though, if the caregiver feels she owes an apology for someone else's stuff?

To me not having knowledge of your sister's diagnosis isn't something to apologize for. Does caregiver feel that diagnosis gives your sister a pass on personal responsibility?

[sandpiper]

I think you did really well. You gave her an answer, you showed compassion, you provided information, you avoided being triangulated into the drama and you placed the responsibility for that choice squarely back where it belongs.
I just wish I'd had this much clarity dealing with PDs around me, this past week or two 
Well done xxx