Intimacy issues between spouses who are both children of narcissists.

[Solong]

***Discussions of intimacy and sexual intimacy within marriage***

I have always received good perspective here. I am hoping to receive a critical lens/questioning, not harsh judgment or labeling of my husband or our situation. I am seeking to understand another perspective and repair a difference of viewpoint within my marriage.

Context on PD upbringing: I came from non-malignant narcissists who were permissive, uninvolved, emotionally neglectful and have an (almost healed) attachment disorder. Husband comes from authoritarian parents with a very clear covert NMom and passive Father. We have been together for 20 years (married 13 years), since we were 19 years old.

To note, Husband and I have a good partnership and friendship. Warts and all- he is my #1 person in life and I am overall satisfied with our life together.

The issue: Husband is in therapy 1-1, after urging from our couple's counselor for him to attend. (By contrast, I have been in therapy consistently for the past 8 years to manage life and grow. I feel that I have a firm handle on much of my "stuff".) Husband recently admitted to me that he is "very unhappy" in our relationship (stated just like that- a global "I'm very unhappy" and if things don't change he isn't sure what to do). That he feels like we have a good partnership as parents and good friendship- I agree wholeheartedly.

Per his words, his dissatisfaction stems from not enough intimacy between us- being present, non-sexual touch, and sexual intimacy.

I think what confuses me and what I want to process privately (I am doing so here as a first step) is my issue with his communication and (in my mind) his lack of initiative to address the problem. According to him, he has been "unhappy" for some time; what he communicates now seems like this has been festering for some time. In the past, he *has* communicated wanting more sex- that's it. (To be clear, we do not have a sexless marriage- we on average have sex about 4 x/month. He does have a higher sex drive than this.) Also, per his words he now realizes that his "low point"  (referencing a period of time in 2018-2019) was caused by his lack of happiness and him seeking fulfillment outside the marriage (with work) as a distraction. (I am full stop aware that- bottom line- I am not responsible for his happiness nor his actions, so his choices during his point were just that- his choices on how to handle his feelings and needs). In addition to being open and wanting to seek understanding for his (now) more clearly communicated needs, I feel foisted upon with the full responsibility to "hold" the problem; he communicates now as though this is something I have been aware of and just ignoring, but that is not my perspective.

We are now talking things through, but he is not the clearest or most assertive communicator and it always leaves me feeling like I have to tease things out or initiate conversations. Pain and some resentment seem to exist as though I am the source of the pain and the problem. It's confusing to me. Adding to that, it's gotten a bit messier, as I am having difficulty trusting myself as my abandonment wound has been triggered by his recent ultimatum statements (which I have communicated so and he seems to understand and has not made triggering statements since). 

I feel like I keep misstepping on something that is clearly very sensitive and vital to the continuation of the relationship (urgency communicated by him). Either I need additional insight to approach this with greater self-awareness than I currently have or my boundary of what's "mine" to own here is being crossed and I need to be aware of that. 

I am committed to getting on the same page with husband and moving forward positively- I understand that introspection is required here and I am open to learn about my role here. I also am curious on your thoughts about his part, as I need to also be aware of what I will ask him to also do differently moving forward to prevent problems from recurring.

Thank you for listening.

[square]

One idea I have, and of course it doesn'tvaddress everything but throwing it out in case it could be of any help—

I've had some luck with people who are acting in good faith but maybe dumping their anger and frustration on me, to say in a warm but MC tone "it would be really helpful to me if you just said ____"

In your example, perhaps your husband is saying "you never even hug me and it's just obviously a huge rejection, you don't even care."

If he is acting in good faith, you could say "It would really help me if you said 'I'd like a hug when you come home from work' or 'if I touch you on your shoulder it means I could really use a hug.'" (Assuming those ideas would be things you are open to.)

That way it pulls the communication out of this blame and toxicity and gives him words, which he may not be good at formulating, to express himself in a healthy way. I have had luck sometimes using it like drawing a boundary - like, "I hear you have some needs but I will not be taking on that garbage you just threw at me." And if I can do my part being MC, trust can be built for next time to use similar healthier language rather than reverting to emotional vomit.

[Solong]

@ square-

Beautiful. Thank you for the concrete examples and explicit suggestion. I am going to try this style of communicating with him about this touchy issue.

I appreciate your time, energy and wisdom.

Have a wonderful day!