Catching up with PD brother (huge mistake)-TRIGGERS

[mary_poppins]

Hi, remember when I asked your opinion on whether it will be worth it to catch up with PD brother over coffee as he was insisting on doing so?
So I said yes. We met today and let me tell you, it was a big mistake.

Basically, instead of talking about our lives, PD brother started grilling me about what an awful daughter I am. He gave me a 'list' of things I am doing wrong regarding our parents. 'I can't believe it what an asshole you are to your own mother' or 'This lack of compassion -I've not seen in others before', or 'You're not doing anything for them, for the people who raised you!' or 'Your behavior is so bad that mom gave up on talking to you a long time ago.'

I was so shocked when I heard all of this I couldn't believe that someone has the time, effort and level of dysfunction to put these kind of thoughts together and then to express them out loud. The level of narcissism in my brother was unbelievable. He blamed me for the exact things he's guilty of.
He kept saying how I have a vendetta against our parents (he has-he told me long time ago) and that it is really old and immature. He also said I am very arrogant and believes I think I'm better than others (actually he is the arrogant one and he's the one who thinks is so special).

Another shocking thing he said is 'How you behave with mom and your relationship is very important to me.' This is beyond dysfunctional and I had no idea he is 100% involved in an emotional relationship with mom. I thought he's the cooler, less involved sibling, I guess I was wrong.
He would do anything to 'correct' my behavior around PD mom in order to make her happy.

Proof: he kept saying that mom is unhappy because I don't communicate with her (that woman is abusive so of course I rarely talk to her) and that it's not OK, that family should communicate and talk with each other (double standard: PD people have poor communication skills so they expect their kids to be perfect communicators while they don't have to be good at communication at all-I hate how they make it as if the rules never apply to them!) I see how hurt this brother is because I am not embodying my family role (aka caretaker because be criticised me for not 'helping' our parents-he means helping with money, emotional help and comfort).

My guess is that this brother wants to become mother's favourite (he was the scapegoat when he was small and now he's golden child) so he would do what it takes to do mother's bidding. Basically his role is to keep the status quo of the family, to maintain everyone's role in the system, especially my role (as a caretaker). It is so very sad that I actually thought he's the better one, that there is actual hope for him in the end.

But as you see, there is no hope for him, he kind of enjoys being a narcissist and he defends both our parents like his life depends on it.

I actually thought 'Oh nice, I am looking forward to see what J is doing today and what he has been up to in those trips abroad.' Silly me. What I got instead was an hour-long critcism addressed to my character 

The good thing about this is that I now know. He's a narcissist (possibly a covert type) and he'll go on my No Contact list, along with the other family members.

[Boat Babe]

So sorry to hear this MO. You got well and truly "flying monkeyed". You gave him the benefit of the doubt and he was horrible to you. 

I hope you can recover from this attack really quickly and that it strengthens your resolve to stay NC from all the toxic and abusive members of your FOO as you move forward into a life free of this damaging crap.

[guitarman]

I can relate to your post.

I have an uBPD/NPD sister. I've not had any contact with her since our mother passed away over two years ago. I never want to see her ever again.

I feel so guilty about that but I know that if I get back in contact with her I would only get back on her emotional rollercoaster with her. I really can't cope with her abusive behaviour any more.

We need to put our needs first. It's OK to do that.

My sister would guilt trip me into caring for her and giving her lots of money when I was caring full time for our frail elderly mother who was living with Alzheimer's disease. She did nothing to care for our mother. In fact she made her life so much worse bothering her with all her self inflicted problems of her own making or her waif like behaviour.

Your brother is projecting all his issues onto you. You are an easy target for him to abuse. Abusers are all about power and control.

He may also be trying to provoke you into anger so that he becomes the victim. It is the narcissistic cycle of abuse where the abuser turns everything around to become the victim by trying to get you to shout back at him. Don't feed his narcissistic supply. Stay calm.

He is trying to push all your buttons.

I could so easily rage back at my sister but I don't. She knows exactly how to push all my buttons.

Observe, don't absorb.

My sister can be so nice and caring. I could get love bombed into submission. Then she would start with all the abuse again. She knows exactly how to manipulate me and guilt trip me. She's been doing it all her life.

I endured her abuse because I knew the love bombing would eventually return. That's how she trapped me in that cycle. It's been going on for decades.

Some family members aren't caring and loving. They are abusive. We should not feel obligated to keep in contact with them just because we are related to them. Abuse is never acceptable.

We need to work on building our self esteem. That way we can get stronger and not get hoovered back.

Find your tribe. Get support from them.

Stay calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[mary_poppins]

So sorry to hear this MO. You got well and truly "flying monkeyed". You gave him the benefit of the doubt and he was horrible to you. 

I hope you can recover from this attack really quickly and that it strengthens your resolve to stay NC from all the toxic and abusive members of your FOO as you move forward into a life free of this damaging crap.

Thank you, Boat Babe. I'm actually still quite traumatised by the meeting. It will take me some time to move on from this. But that's a lesson to remember for the next time I want to 'catch up' with dear brother.

[mary_poppins]

Guitarman-thanks for the message. It really helped me. Knowing that someone else went through this with a sibling really helps. And sorry about your own situation with PD sis.
Hopefully, we'll get over these people because they don't even deserve to spend a minute thinking of them.

[Mintstripes]

I'm so sorry to hear this happened! I can relate a great deal. About 3 years ago this month, I gave my flying monkey, narcy GC brother a chance as well. I had a sick feeling that he was not to be trusted. I posted about it on here as well.
Anyway, I gave him a chance because he was visiting my city, we'd resumed occasional contact over the past year (yet I was cautious), and hadn't seen him in something like 5 years. I went NC with him and the entire FOO before the birth of my first child.

I ended up feeling very similar to what you are experiencing. After our meeting, he proved himself to be the typical, two-faced flying monkey he's always been. I was disappointed in myself for letting my guard down and giving him YET another chance.

Last time though. I learned my lesson. The wise people here reminded me so justly that he was the one who messed up. That I stuck my neck out and he failed to behave appropriately. So the problem here is also on your brother, not you.

Be nice to yourself, treat yourself, remember you are safe now and away from him. These flying monkeys never change... they practically salivate at scolding us, trying to put us in our place. No more!!!

Take care 

[nanotech]

I'm so so sorry you've been through this. There's a Buddhist saying :
'When someone either praises you, or insults you, just watch and observe.'
Be aware of all that's happening in that moment. Observe, DON'T absorb. Don't respond. Don't engage.  Employ your thinking mind, not your emotions. Be a calm, objective, strong mountain. Try to detach from the conversation as if it's not you whose being spoken about. This is a great boundary.
They count on us responding in our old conditioned, guilt- ridden ways. They enjoy to see us become agitated or sound defensive or argumentative.  Calmness.
Have you seen any of Jerry Wise's you tube vids on dysfunctional family systems? These are so helpful in explaining why the family PDs  have to dump all their stuff on one family member in order to feel 'safe'. It's all about their weakness and insecurities. JW does a great teaching vid  on calmness. Think it's called,
'Calmness is Everything'.
It isn't just about outward calm, it's about keeping calm inside. So that no self- abuse is triggered.

On hoping my family will change- I've had that disappointment too. I tried for years with my siblings.  One time we'd got together for a siblings meal. I thought it was going to be lovely. I thought it was going to be a nice time for bonding. I was full of hope. But if turned out that GC brother only wanted to talk about the cost of mh UNPD dad's future funeral! He then tried to manoeuvre me into paying for the whole thing.  Um no.
I'm sending hugs! Everyone here has your back.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I'm sorry to hear it went so badly. Hugs.

[mary_poppins]

nanotech-Yeah, our expectations about meeting siblings were not met but I think it is because we have good hearts and empathy. We didn't expect on being ambushed about our role in the family. These siblings try really hard to keep us in our place (I assume it is the scapegoat's place since they think so little of us). Thanks for the mindfullness tip. I'll definitely try to do that.

Narckiddo-thanks. I have a saying: 'It is what it is'. Right?