I think my Mom manufactured a crisis

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, there.  I have not posted here in a long time because I couldn't remember my password for a while, lol and also, I've been in denial about just how bad things are and always have been with my mother.  uBPD/uNPD.  Yesterday was a wakeup call.

I usually call her every Friday afternoon.  That is the boundary I had decided on, although I have recently been rethinking that as being way too much time to listen to her never ending toxic tirades while I gray rock and say, "Hmmm", "Really, "yeah", "oh, wow".  Yesterday afternoon I legitimately could not make our call because of work and other appointments, so I texted her and told her that but asked was she okay other than problems she's been having with her teeth which she's already texted me about 3 times this week.  She replied, "I guess, though I really wanted to talk to you before another week went by".  I didn't answer that guilt trip text.  Next thing I know, I am getting an SOS call from her on my home phone answering machine (she never calls and leaves a message, she wants me to call, so I knew it was serious), saying she's been locked out of her email account, her bank account, her annuity account, and files are disappearing off her computer and probably all her money is gone and (cue tears) she has "no one to help her or lead her".     I'm like, you know, I just fixed dinner, I'm going to eat first and then I'll call her back.  While I'm eating, my brother texts me and says he is on the phone with Mom, and it's an emergency.  I call him, and find myself on a FOUR WAY call with my brother, my mother, myself and her financial advisor (I can't believe he answered her on a Friday night at 6:30pm).  Basically, my brother handled everything perfectly and was easily able to get in to all her accounts and everything was fine.  I hung up the phone after about 30 minutes of listening to them go through all this and having absolutely nothing to contribute to the situation.  I texted my brother to call me when he got a chance.

My brother called me today, and said that he figured out that she did NOT get hacked like she claimed, nothing bad happened, she just locked herself out of her email by putting in an incorrect password and freaked out.  All that drama for nothing.  So, today, he was driving in from where he lives (3 hours away) to try and tell her she needs some help such as moving in to assisted living or at least senior living.  (Not just because of this last occurrence, a lot has been happening for years.  But since she was asking for help, he figured this would be the best time to try and get something positive accomplished).  I only hope and pray she will listen to him.  He is able to stay very calm and detached from her like I can only dream of.  And he is a man, and she only respects men.  I am forever a 4-year-old helpless little girl she can manipulate and control in her eyes.  I've been begging her to get mental help for years, but she always has an excuse why she can't. But she wants us to drop everything when she needs "help".  So we'll see. if my brother can accomplish something, though I am not holding my breath. 

But am I crazy to think this all happened because I canceled her "counseling session" with me yesterday?  That is basically what I have become to her, her therapist, although when I suggest she get actual therapy, she "doesn't have the time or energy to do it".      I'm done.  I've had it.  I am entering therapy for myself next week, several decades late, but better late than never.  I am VERY grateful that my brother and I are on the same page.  She triangulates and plays us against each other, or tries to.  She treats us variably as the scapegoat/golden child depending on who she thinks is the most useful to her at the time.  Well, it seems to have not worked, thank God.  My brother and I actually had a very strong bond as kids, and it has mostly withstood everything she's done to us, although we don't see each other much because he lives so far away. 

Anyway, thank you if you have read this.  I am done being in the fog and I'm taking this very seriously from now on.  I turned 50 this year, and can't believe it's taken me this long to wake up fully.

[Andeza]

Sounds about right. Mine liked to try similar crap before I went NC, but I wizened up and started responding with "Well I'm sure you'll get it sorted" and topic change, whoosh! She never stopped going on and on and making stuff up though, just so you're aware. They think that because a thing has worked before, it'll always work. Boy who cried wolf type of thing.

[Cat of the Canals]

The timing sounds just a bit too coincidental to me. And then they roped you into a 4-way conference call to tell you the absolutely DIRE, time-sensitive information: there's no fire.  Seriously?

I think mommy dearest just used up next week's phone call with these shenanigans. 

[TimetoHeal]

cat of the canals,
"used up next week's phone call" - I love it!  Damn right, she has!

Andeza,

Boy, NC is sounding like Heaven to me right now.  I know I need to at least go much, much lower contact, but I don't know if I can go completely NC until some logistics are cleaned up with my brother.  Unless she throws him out of her house today, and then we both go no contact with her! 

Does it help to state a boundary with these people, as in, "From now on, we will only talk every other week, and when we do it will not be about how the whole world has gone to hell and all the drama going on in people's lives, it will be a pleasant conversation or we won't talk".  I know they are likely not to honor it, but is it our responsibility to state it first, at least? 

[Leonor]

Hi Time,

I think it's helpful for you to state your boundary, not be sure you "should" or it's "polite" (and certainly not because then mom will understand or respect it!) but be sure

[Fiasco]

Is that my mom you're posting about?? It really could be. My mom is also the queen (sounds like she has to share the title now) of made up crises. She enjoys going to the emergency room by ambulance if I'm travelling without cell reception. She likes to fake medical emergencies and/or fake home burglaries when her sister isn't paying her enough attention. She thinks if she gets a phishing email it means all her accounts have been "hacked" and the panic you've just experienced ensues.

Heck yes she's used up next week's phone call. Yes you would benefit from shaking up the schedule, I know I have. I deliberately no longer call her on a predictable schedule which helps a little by making her unsure exactly when to have a tantrum when I don't call.

[moglow]

TTH, Mine is a past master at chaos manufacture. Now that all of her family of origin has passed and she's essentially alienated her own children, her options have become seriously limited. Doesn't mean she doesn't try to revert back to her old methods of divide and conquer triangulation, it's just less successful than in years past. She's smack in the middle of one as I type, because her youngest son has dared to plan a visit to our state with his family. Never mind that she's not seen him in some 12-13 years, she's insisting on creating innumerable roadblocks and excuses for said visit. I'm thoroughly confused by her attitude - I get feeling awkward and wondering wth they're to possibly talk about, but seriously? Did she truly expect the rest of us to discourage his visit because she might feel icky about it??

So yeah, I get your dismay with the apparent manufacture by yours as well. Timing seems a bit convenient to me.

Does it help to state a boundary with these people, as in, "From now on, we will only talk every other week, and when we do it will not be about how the whole world has gone to hell and all the drama going on in people's lives, it will be a pleasant conversation or we won't talk".  I know they are likely not to honor it, but is it our responsibility to state it first, at least? 

Frankly, we can state anything we wish as many times as we wish, and it's still our responsibility to enforce said boundaries. And we have to be consistent lest they determine they can push x times in y ways and we eventually give in. "They" have no obligation to respect or even pretend to play along with our boundaries, much as us with theirs. It sounds grand on paper but at the end of the day, we are where we are simply because we were never taught much less allowed proper boundaries. We were ignored, walked over, talked down to and demeaned, parentified and treated as children throughout our lives. Many [most?] of the parents spoken of here see us as chattel, there to do their bidding and serve at their pleasure. We, as "children", are expected to simply comply regardless of other considerations.

OUR responsibility, to me, lies in learning to treat others as we wish to be treated. We're not responsible for meeting others' expectations any more than they are responsible for ours.

[TimetoHeal]

I think it's helpful for you to state your boundary, not be sure you "should" or it's "polite" (and certainly not because then mom will understand or respect it!) but be sure

Thank you, Leonor!  I was thinking so too, if for no other reason to clarify to myself.  I would like to think it would give me a way to say, "Well, remember when I said I needed xyz in order for us to talk?", but I can already hear her saying, "You never said that", so...

Is that my mom you're posting about?? It really could be. My mom is also the queen (sounds like she has to share the title now) of made up crises. She enjoys going to the emergency room by ambulance if I'm travelling without cell reception. She likes to fake medical emergencies and/or fake home burglaries when her sister isn't paying her enough attention. She thinks if she gets a phishing email it means all her accounts have been "hacked" and the panic you've just experienced ensues.

Heck yes she's used up next week's phone call. Yes you would benefit from shaking up the schedule, I know I have. I deliberately no longer call her on a predictable schedule which helps a little by making her unsure exactly when to have a tantrum when I don't call.

OMG, Fiasco, that's a disaster, because we all know the Queens do not like to share titles or crowns with anybody!!   . Yes, my mom freaks out about the phishing emails too!  I told her, just ignore them, but no, she had to go and find a special "service" that would actually help block them!  They're probably scammers themselves!     (But as it turns out, she was not hacked at all.  She shut herself out of her accounts by putting in an incorrect password, probably because all she does is sit on her computer all day checking her money accounts and obsessing over them).  I really believe the only reason she doesn't manufacture health crises, as much as she complains about her health constantly, is that she fears she may actually end up in the hospital and someone will take away her oxycontin and sleeping pills that her primary care doctor has been duped in to refilling for her over and over.   

TTH, Mine is a past master at chaos manufacture. Now that all of her family of origin has passed and she's essentially alienated her own children, her options have become seriously limited. Doesn't mean she doesn't try to revert back to her old methods of divide and conquer triangulation, it's just less successful than in years past. She's smack in the middle of one as I type, because her youngest son has dared to plan a visit to our state with his family. Never mind that she's not seen him in some 12-13 years, she's insisting on creating innumerable roadblocks and excuses for said visit. I'm thoroughly confused by her attitude - I get feeling awkward and wondering wth they're to possibly talk about, but seriously? Did she truly expect the rest of us to discourage his visit because she might feel icky about it??

So yeah, I get your dismay with the apparent manufacture by yours as well. Timing seems a bit convenient to me.

Does it help to state a boundary with these people, as in, "From now on, we will only talk every other week, and when we do it will not be about how the whole world has gone to hell and all the drama going on in people's lives, it will be a pleasant conversation or we won't talk".  I know they are likely not to honor it, but is it our responsibility to state it first, at least? 

Frankly, we can state anything we wish as many times as we wish, and it's still our responsibility to enforce said boundaries. And we have to be consistent lest they determine they can push x times in y ways and we eventually give in. "They" have no obligation to respect or even pretend to play along with our boundaries, much as us with theirs. It sounds grand on paper but at the end of the day, we are where we are simply because we were never taught much less allowed proper boundaries. We were ignored, walked over, talked down to and demeaned, parentified and treated as children throughout our lives. Many [most?] of the parents spoken of here see us as chattel, there to do their bidding and serve at their pleasure. We, as "children", are expected to simply comply regardless of other considerations.

OUR responsibility, to me, lies in learning to treat others as we wish to be treated. We're not responsible for meeting others' expectations any more than they are responsible for ours.

moglow,
I was reading in your post about your current situation!  It's so crazy!  My mom is the same way about my brother who lives 3 hours away.  She wants HIM to come and do her bidding, but she "can't handle" his wife (who tries to tell her like it is) and noisy kids (they are 5 and 7 years old, of course they're noisy), so she has told him not to bring them.  That's downright cruel, as is what your mother dearest is doing.     Isn't it crazy how much alike they are?  I know I can already expect her not to respect my boundaries, but I feel like at least if I state them, I can have something to refer to when I end the conversation and hang up the phone. 

[TimetoHeal]

So, my brother and I talked today on his way back home ( I feel so sorry for him having to spend the night with her and do all that driving).  At first he didn't answer my call, and I was terrified that she had told him something that made him mad at me.  But we are cool.  Absolutely nothing was wrong with her computer or her accounts.  He said she balked at the idea of senior living ("I don't want to have to go to social events and talk to people.  I want to be left alone.  They'll make me get the COVID shot", and a million other excuses).  But she would "compromise" and look for a small townhouse or garden home, get this, near ME.  Oh, HELL no!!!!!   We're already only 20 minutes drive apart and that is way the hell too close.  Now I am freaking out.  How is a garden home going to help her?  She still won't get any care, and who do you think she expects to provide it?  She even sent me a text "joking" that maybe she would put a mobile home in my back yard.     Dear God, help me.  He tried to bring up her mental health, but she said she is fine of course. 

So, as much as I appreciate my brother coming, I'm scared now that his visit may have done more harm than good.  I can see her turning it to her advantage.  "Oh, yes, you're right, I do need help.  I do need to downsize and move closer to Time".  She unfortunately has a cousin who is a real estate agent...Aaaaaaggghhhh!!!!   

[lkdrymom]

The Boy who cried wolf was my nickname for my father.  I think everything at their age is a crisis. They want it fixed NOW. And they want YOU to do it.  Bonus points if they can act helpless.  My father would call me at work and expect me to leave work to reprogram his remote (you know the one I fixed just a few days ago).  He couldn't understand why I just couldn't up and leave work to do this.  What was he going to do!?(Cue tragic music)  I'd point out he had a working tv in his bedroom, so try that.  I wouldn't come over until our scheduled visit. And I would write out instructions so he could do it himself but he refused saying it was EASIER if I did it.   Another time he insisted I come over and prove he was allergic to his new bed...and by new I mean the one he had for 4 months at this point. Thankfully he never had a computer. I could just imagine the type of damage he could have done with that.

[Cat of the Canals]

Does it help to state a boundary with these people, as in, "From now on, we will only talk every other week, and when we do it will not be about how the whole world has gone to hell and all the drama going on in people's lives, it will be a pleasant conversation or we won't talk".  I know they are likely not to honor it, but is it our responsibility to state it first, at least?

Just look what happened when you told your mother that she wouldn't be getting a single call on time! Instant drama.

I didn't tell my PDmom when I reduced our weekly phone call to every 1.5 weeks, and then every 2 weeks, and then once a month. If I'd told her, she would have gone on a rampage. Instead, I simply stopped taking her calls and returned them when I felt I was up to it. No JADE. If she whined about not hearing from me (which she did even when I did call weekly), I said nothing. And yes, I was wracked with guilt over it, at first. But that fades. And the peace you get from having this boundary and reducing contact is all the proof you need that it was the right choice.

[TimetoHeal]

Does it help to state a boundary with these people, as in, "From now on, we will only talk every other week, and when we do it will not be about how the whole world has gone to hell and all the drama going on in people's lives, it will be a pleasant conversation or we won't talk".  I know they are likely not to honor it, but is it our responsibility to state it first, at least?

Just look what happened when you told your mother that she wouldn't be getting a single call on time! Instant drama.

I didn't tell my PDmom when I reduced our weekly phone call to every 1.5 weeks, and then every 2 weeks, and then once a month. If I'd told her, she would have gone on a rampage. Instead, I simply stopped taking her calls and returned them when I felt I was up to it. No JADE. If she whined about not hearing from me (which she did even when I did call weekly), I said nothing. And yes, I was wracked with guilt over it, at first. But that fades. And the peace you get from having this boundary and reducing contact is all the proof you need that it was the right choice.

Cat,
My gut tells me your advice is spot on with her.  When you tell her something, "This is how it's going to be", she immediately reacts to stay in control, often with going infantile and crying, "I'm just doing the best I can". "Nobody understands".  I'm thinking gradually fading back and out is my best bet without explaining anything.  It's worked for my brother.  But then, he lives in another state, and he's a guy, and he's so busy and has a family.  I'm single and live close by and my job doesn't really count, you know, and the daughter is supposed to do everything.     Well, too bad.  Let her paint me an ungrateful child.