Soooo, I did a thing

[JustKeepTrying]

Soooo, I did a thing

I went on a date.  This in my mind was a last ditch attempt to see if dating was something I wanted.  It has been disastrous so far.  But a guy reached out and he seemed intelligent, cute and funny.  So we went for drinks.

At one point he asked about my leg and I briefly shared why - the cancer, radiation, first surgery, second surgery and walking on a broken leg for two years with crutches and eventual wheelchair,  I kept it flat, brief and unemotional.  Just the facts mam and lets move on.  I really focused on bringing my authentic self to the table.  I leaned into the be yourself and if it doesn't work then you are not aligned.  and that's ok.

At this point, he held my hand and looked me in the eyes and listened.  He then tucked my hair behind my ears and caressed my cheek.

I was stunned.  Inside I was frozen, ecstatic and frightened all at the same time.

So let me diverge here.  I am putting the guy to one side and it's not the point of the story.  I don't know if it will work - this isn't a Hallmark movie - and we'll see.  What I wanted to share was the realization that in 32 years of marriage, my xOCPDh never, ever, ever, did anything like that so intimately.  This relative stranger made me feel more heard and seen that in my entire marriage.

That's sad.  Really pathetically sad.

But it reinforces the divorce as the right decision.  I know that I am codependent.  But tonight as I write this and think about how it went I realize three things:  One - not everyone deserves to hear my story.  Two:  I really value my independence and I also deserve to be treated like an equal and a queen.  Three:  I will not accept anything less than authenticity in myself and any future partner.

It stuns me how I could accept so little from a person that claimed to love me.  How deeply that fog feels when you are in it.

Never again.

[bee well]

Hi JustKeepTrying,

I second what user said, congratulations! You showed a lot of courage in taking that risk AND I see a lot of maturity in the fact that you were aware of  your reasons for sharing.  And yes, "putting the guy aside..it's not the point of the story,"  I'm glad you saw that kind of tenderness your ex didn't have to give, does exist...

Keep on keepin' on, you rock!

[1footouttadefog]

I had a friend who treated me like that, ie hearing and knowing me for over a decade.  Listened, saw the real me, cared.   We could talk and with very few words update each other on what was going on in life, and with our  families, gardens, projects and such.   

He passed last year, I miss him.  If I ever get to date, I hope to find someone like that again.

[JustKeepTrying]

Well, I went on a fourth date with this guy and spotted a red flag.  Being a people pleaser and codependent and using all the tools, I broke it off.  Nicely.  I took the blame and didn't mention the red flag. 

and he went ballistic.  So much so that I was worried about my safety.  That red flag was real! I'm glad that I saw it and reacted. 

But like my original post, this story isn't about the guy.  This is about me.

I am putting what I learned into practice.  I am placing myself in a position of priority.  I listened to myself and took firm steps.  No back tracking.  I saw something and said "Oh heck no." 

Again, I refuse to accept anything but authenticity.  I am not going back into the fog.

[notrightinthehead]

 

[vanillasea]

Wowwww!

Thanks for sharing!!

So glad you trusted your gut on the red flag

And at least he highlighted the intimacy you lacked before.

Wow wow wow! 

[NarcKiddo]

Well done. I am sorry things did not work out well with this guy but glad you spotted the problem quite early and acted on it.