New here, there is hope for you

[Livinghappy]

So, I'm new here. My spouse has NPD/OCD. He should take medication, but according to him, the doctor is not as smart as him and he doesn't know what he is talking about.
When my spouse has a tantrum/rage the behavior comes in all forms. From childlike, teenager like, big bully, vicious, vile, satan like. It depends on his mood, if he is drinking, and what the perceived slight is.
Tantrums usually come on when he feels so under pressure and work, his ex wife, anything becomes too demanding. He will withdraw after and go silent.
Rage attacks can go for hours. Usually when he is drinking. He spirals, repeats himself, hurls insults, degrades, belittles, name calls, threatens and issues ultimatums. He also tell me he knows exactly how I will act and there is no reasoning.

His most recent rage out was on Saturday night. He was drinking. I merely asked if he wanted some of the dinner that was made. ( he gets home late due to his drive home from work). He gave a grumpy NO so I told him I would put it away and to let me know if he changed his mind. About 30 minutes after that I went back outside to have a cigarette and he sat in the quiet. I didn't engage him, I didn't ask anything of him. I know this mood and this cycle. The short answers, the beer, the sniping.
Honestly, I saw it coming the week before. He was drinking more and he was biting everyone's head off and sulking. But I don't play into it.

Then, BOOM! I got up to go inside and he started his rant, or what I like to call blame pontification. He spit every vulgar, nasty remark at me he could, he threatened, issued ultimatums, he did this for going on 2 hours.
I didn't speak and when I did I said I was going to bed, maybe he should get some sleep too. Then he really went in. That's my fault. I really should have just been quiet and got up when he got quiet and went to bed. He then informed me that he knew exactly how I was going to react. I am going to slam doors, be mad, yell, act like a child, stomp around. I simply looked at him and sat there. Said nothing. Then I said, " you are operating under an assumption that is false".
Remeber, he is smarter than me, he lets me know I am, in his opinion, mildly- regarded, useless, worthless, my degree is useless, I'm dumb, stupid, etc. so how can I correct him on how I will act after his little show?

I waited for it to be his idea to go inside and go to bed. Basically he "dismisses" me from his tongue lashing. Then I may go. I went inside not a word. He said go cry about it now, I don't care. I know you will. What he doesn't know is, I don't. I have not for a long time. So it makes him mad to stop and listen and not hear me sob. That's a him problem, not a me problem.

Next day I go about my business. I know it enraged him further because I did not stomp, slam, scream, yell, reach out. None of what he told me I was going to do. The reaction he told me during his pontification the night before, he knew I would have. He was wrong. So that adds to his mood.

He goes to work, I go on about everyday life, house, kids, dog, laundry, meals. Because I'm tired due to being kept up until after 1 AM, and my brain is tired from his rage tantrum.

He comes home. Dinner is made. I don't engage. I don't react. I don't ask him if he is ok, I don't try to placate. Because that is another thing he told me he just knew I would do. See, in their rages and tantrums, if you listen, they tell you kind of what they want. You have to learn to navigate the verbal diarrhea and word salad.  It takes time, but you can do it.  In fact I'm asleep in bed. Because I have to work the following day.

Monday comes, I get up, go to work. Continue living. Come home, make dinner, help kids. This is where the shift happens. He pulls up at 4:15. Two bags with beer in his hands. He is supposed to be at work. The throw you off tactic.  He comes in, I continue to make dinner. No reaction, no asking why.

Later I receive a text from his daughter asking if he is home is he picking her up. I have to engage, so I do so with no emotion and direct questions. He tells me he was supposed to get them due to his ex changing her schedule at the 11th hour on Sunday night and making him rearrange his. Only for her to not work, not inform him, and turn his day upside down. ( she is a NPD with sociopathic personality as well) so he was enraged again. I inform him I will go get child, as she can't be left while he says let her mom figure it out. I just said I'm going to get her.

I pick her up, drop her at moms( who was too busy boasting with other child at a meeting she knew she had at the same time other child needed to be picked up.) I go home, go back to business. Finish my day, go to bed.
Tuesday- pick up day for his kids. He mentioned Monday he had to work all day since he took Monday off. So I knew I had peace. I go about my day, his daughter texts me, is dad picking us up? I do not even bother to ask him. He's in the middle of an ongoing rage tantrum.
I continue my day, get settled, go to bed. After 10pm hear a bunch of noise, he comes in with kids. He's red faced, tired, and still moody. I can see it. I notice in now. It took a few years, but I can read it. I just go back to bed.

Today, I get up. Get ready for work, and he's lagging getting up to take his youngest to school. He is off today. So, I will go home, cook, do a few things, then I will leave the house and do something else to fill my time that makes me happy. Then I will return home, get settled, go to bed.

His tantrum/rages can last from 2 days up to 2 weeks. Because his ex is playing games with him, it's going to be a 2 week one IMO. This is a Jim problem, not a me problem.

I used to cry, rationalize, beg, act like a wounded puppy. I don't play the game anymore. I live. I do not engage unless absolutely necessary. Basically, grey rock. I know he dislikes seeing that I am not some weak wounded little thing who is vying for his attention. I let him go through his war in his head( or with his ex) and I continue to live.

I know I am not what he says I am. I know I cannot be responsible for how he handles himself. I cannot fix him. I can only be responsible for me.

I have a degree, I work, and I have built my self esteem and my confidence back to where it should be. I choose to stay because his children need a stable, sane, rational adult around due to mom and dad unable to be. But I protect my mind, heart, and my peace.

[Livinghappy]

So, Wednesday. He is off work and he comes home with kids. Has his beer. He is still in spiral. I ignore. I'm not his mom or his counselor. I cannot tell him anything at this point, I cannot even say hello without him yelling. I know it.

He drops down on couch, he turns tv on. Kids gravitate to their areas, I go about my business. His daughter forget her gear at moms. I take her there to get it, it is a need. No one bothers him.

Later in the evening he starts with his bellowing at me. He has liquid courage. He hasn't broken me so he is trying hard. In his mind he is not winning. Even though this is not a competition. He still has to win.

He starts in I stay silent. He accuses me of talking about him on the phone. No way, I know it is bull. I don't talk to anyone on the phone in front of him unless it is work. Then he says my doughier heard you and she told me. So I say, when? When was this? No answer. He has to have an excuse for his outburst. He needs to be validated. I'm not doing it. He knows I won't go question a 9 year old either. His 16 year old is even like, that's bull. She knows.

I tell him he's wrong. He knows deep down it's an excuse. He is self validating. Living in his own world.  Since I won't search for an answer, he feels like he has won.

So Thursday, I will continue to do what I need to do. I won't bother to try and engage and I won't try to get any validation, fall apart, or even try to reason. It's back to protecting me and my mind. No matter what, he can't break me and that's what's making him madder than ever.

You have to protect your peace. You cannot break, bend, fold, validate, or admit that you are wrong. Especially if you aren't.

Getting through this means a few weeks of his sulking, and letting him sort his own mind. It is not my job. I am only responsible for me

[bloomie]

Hi Livinghappy - I want to welcome you to the group. Wow... seems like an onslaught right now. I am so sorry to hear you and the kids are living in this kind of atmosphere of episodic tantrums and verbal abuse. I am really glad you reached out for support as you navigate the dysfunction.

You seem solid and clear eyed about what you are facing and to have developed some very savvy coping skills. And yet, the toll on you has to be heavy. I am so sorry.

We have great additional thoughts and tools in the toolbox above and a sub forum for those who are Committed to Working On It where you will find others who are choosing to stay for various reasons. It is noble to be so dedicated to these kids and to be a strong tower for them in the midst of often stormy seas. I can only imagine the refuge you are to them.

There are great books and online resources gathered that have been helpful to the community. Take a bit of time and look around at the resources.

For me, the thing that has been so different about sharing here and being part of this group of people is that as we share we are heard with ears of understanding by other folks who get it. Who have endured and lived similar things and who are dedicated, as you are, to growing and gaining strength and maintaining their sense of self and agency over their lives.

I look forward to supporting you as you share and to seeing you out there on the forum boards! Again, welcome.

[Livinghappy]

Hi Livinghappy - I want to welcome you to the group. Wow... seems like an onslaught right now. I am so sorry to hear you and the kids are living in this kind of atmosphere of episodic tantrums and verbal abuse. I am really glad you reached out for support as you navigate the dysfunction.

You seem solid and clear eyed about what you are facing and to have developed some very savvy coping skills. And yet, the toll on you has to be heavy. I am so sorry.

We have great additional thoughts and tools in the toolbox above and a sub forum for those who are Committed to Working On It where you will find others who are choosing to stay for various reasons. It is noble to be so dedicated to these kids and to be a strong tower for them in the midst of often stormy seas. I can only imagine the refuge you are to them.

There are great books and online resources gathered that have been helpful to the community. Take a bit of time and look around at the resources.

For me, the thing that has been so different about sharing here and being part of this group of people is that as we share we are heard with ears of understanding by other folks who get it. Who have endured and lived similar things and who are dedicated, as you are, to growing and gaining strength and maintaining their sense of self and agency over their lives.

I look forward to supporting you as you share and to seeing you out there on the forum boards! Again, welcome.

Bloomer,
Thank you, I'm happy to be here and hopefully help. It does take a huge toll on me. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I encourage all to keep doing the things that make you happy during the cycles.  That's what leads you to realize it isn't you it is them.

I totally will stand strong in front of the kids, because they need it. They don't need to have the upset and heartburn over situations that adults should be handling. Unfortunately, his kids have the two parents who love the push and pull. My kids don't have that with me and  their dad. So I want his girls to have the same stability. They deserve it.

I learned a lot on my own, I also obtained a degree in psychology. Boy! Did that really open my eyes. I believe he mocks my education so much just because of what I chose to pursue. I think it makes me a threat in his opinion.

I used to play the game and cry, beg, and lay in bed and lose myself. I just decided, no more. One day it was like a switch flipped. Why was I the one in misery while he went about like he did nothing horrible? How can he function after being so vile, petty, and childish? Then it hit me. He likes the fact he got me to that point.

So I started going away from the house, doing schoolwork, running errands, visiting friends and family, and didn't keep him updated with my plans. He would throw a fit and I would continue on.

Like I said, if you dig through the word salad and rage vomit you will see what it is they actually want from you. It's reaction.

Thank you for the welcome. I have read some very interesting things in 2 days already.
The toolbox is amazing and I look forward to learning and sharing more.

[Livinghappy]

So, Thursday came. I went to work. When I got off I had errands I needed to run with the kids. I met my oldest daughter and her boyfriend as well. We all went to the mall, had dinner, had laughs. I came home, showered, then went to bed. I don't know when he got home, but I was already in bed asleep.

Friday I do the same. Get up and go to work. I already knew his kids would be coming for the weekend. I start getting texts from the kids around 6 about pick up and dad is not answering. So then, his ex text me. I told her I can be there by 8 if that's ok. She says fine, I go about and pick up a little before 8.
While there she informs me that he isn't answering her either. She feels it is easier to make contact with me. I'm fine with that. Again, I may disagree with things she does, but if it makes it easy on the kids, I can be there. I picked the kids up at 7:45 and left back home. I also know she has to work a 7-7 on Saturday and if he doesn't answer her she's gonna go off.
I get home and no sooner we walk in the door- he is sending texts to the kids, I'm here. It was about 8:20. Kids told him they are already at the house and have been picked up. He comes in we are all eating some snacks, laughing, and he goes and lays on the couch and passes out. I also know he has been working 14 hour days. But for me this is perfect. This means no contact again.
Saturday we got up, went to the farmers market, his youngest had a soccer game, we came home and the kids have friends over watching movies.
I plan, again, once he is home we will all go to our respective areas and he can sleep again. It's just best.

I will add- Sunday marks 2 years since his dad passed. So I know this figures into it. I know when November and may hit- I get a bit sullen. I miss my parents. So I get that this is playing a part.
I am interested to see how the next week goes. I intend on him having a quiet and drama free weekend.

Next Sunday is our anniversary. I'm curious to see what next week holds. I'm not hopeful, I learned not to get my hopes up. I also know he can use that to try and hurt me more. So I won't say a word, I won't bother. I'll just be looking out for me and the kids.

[Livinghappy]

I had to break no contact on Saturday since he arrived home early( change up tactic). Kids had friends over. I could see him bubbling. Kids friends left, he sat in living room annoyed.

I cleaned up, and I had to let him know his daughter needed a sensor for her diabetes and I couldn't find one. He full on started his crap. Threatens to scream and yell, etc. I'm exhausted by him. He just keeps his game up.

His daughter is a type 1 diabetic. Not one time since they have been here has he managed her diabetes. He comes in and sits down and just ignores. This is his control game. Makes me do it. It's not anything that can be ignored. I have been ip all light with her while her numbers go high and low. I'm tired.

Today marks 2 years since his dad passed away. I know that's under the surface, but it is no excuse for his behavior. He can't cope. He can't compartmentalize. He's spiraling still. His I need to go to work and function. I need to be able to pay the bills, I'm going to scream if you don't leave me alone. I'm going to_________ fill in the threat.

So I do. I go upstairs with his kids and leave him to his bull. I'm already tired from the long drawn out punishment he is offering up. It's really on my nerves this time. I won't bring up his dad, he will use that as a way to pounce. I know him.

He's blurting I don't care about you etc etc. ok fine, but I don't have to care about you, either.

They forget, we don't have to give into demands. We don't have to operate around their anger. I don't have to do your laundry, cook for you, clean up after you, etc. you're a grown man who wants to issue threats and all, do it yourself since you are so powerful. Not my job to placate you.

I won't do it. I won't do the usual chores and all. I will only take care of the kids and I. That's my responsibility. Not some overgrown toddler who can't communicate or act like an adult.

I'm not his mommy. I'm not his sisters. I'm not his object to control.
This is where I completely shut him down and shut him out.

[Livinghappy]

Ahh, Sunday. Went about our business. We cleaned house, did homework, relaxed. He showed up around 5. I had misplaced the kiddos pod and went to get it. He's in the room out of the shower and he just starts talking to me. I just looked at him. Then he says it's 2 years today that my dad died. All I said was I know.

He sits and I do understand he is reeling from that. But I just let him sit. He had bought concert tickets months ago. I told him I wasn't going because, duh, kids are here. He said he really didn't want to go because it would be late and he has to get up at 5 am. I told him to go. He has a couple friends who like to hang on his money. So go. I still want to operate in peace.

He leaves. We go about the evening. He comes in around 1 am. He's pissed off, drunk, etc. I'm white trash, I'm a stupid a$$, I'm a problem again. All because his dog gets excited and pees when he sees him. And I was in bed not available to clean it up. God forbid he do it.  He throws his phone. Stomps off. Says a few more degrading things.
I crawl back into bed with his little one next to me that he's screaming in the same room in front of. Ty and god she was out. I went to sleep. I heard his 5 am alarm. I just laid there. Around 6:30 he got up. I heard him scattering. He was late leaving. He has an hour drive to work. And now he is gonna just traffic. Not my problem.

It's Monday, workday. I'm going to take his daughter to school, then go do my job. We shall see what today brings when he gets home. As for me, I choose peace. Also NC.

[Livinghappy]

Tuesday, I get the kids. I take them to practices in 2 different places. I get to kid 2 practice and hers isn't over until 8:30. He's home, asleep. I do get it. He has a 4 hour turnaround. He needs sleep. He's not gotten a lot.

I get home around 9:15 pm. I had made dinner as soon as I got home at 4. So the kids had already been taken care of. He slept. I put his kids and my kids to bed.

I get up on Wednesday. I take his kid to school. I go to work. I come home. I have 3 kids to take to a nail appt for their homecoming on Saturday. He actually picked his daughter up from school. I was kind of shocked.

I'm on front porch. He comes and sits down. Then asks me- " what's your problem?"  This I know is a deflection question and he wants to push buttons. I just looked at him. That doesn't even deserve an answer. Like if you have to ask then there's a problem with you.

I just continued to read. Like I'm not even going to fall for it. And to even ask me, no way. Not going to engage because it's obvious he wants a reaction.

Now I have to get kids, get nails, get them home, then get them in bed.

Not going to fall for the trap. Not today.

[xredshoesx]

i agree with user- you are using the tools you can to deflect and MC him.

i am concerned that since you're only posing here on the welcome mat less people are seeing your posts and you're not getting the full benefit of the support/ knowledge of the hive mind here.  from what you;ve shared it sounds like your experiences in this relationship would be a good fit with the other members posting on the 'committed to working on it' part of the forum.

Comitted to Working On It

the chosen relationships sub forum may be a good source of support too
Chosen Relationships