Oh no not more lovebombing.....

[p123]

Am I the only one who just cringes at this???

Dad KNOWS I've pulled back from him and stopped doing everything he wants. He KNOWS hes upset all my family and many times upset me.

The lovebombing now honestly makes me feel ill. I've been away on holidays for a few weeks, first visit I had "Oh I've been so worried about you", "I've missed you so much" and then hes grabbing me trying to hug me..........

I'll be honest, 3 weeks away from him was like a breath of fresh air and I didnt miss him at all.....

Im guessing this is common behaviour though? Dad has always wanted the relationship with me that he wants not what I want. I just see him trying to drag me back into a relationship where we're "really close".

Of course, we aren't but thats all his doing over the years....

[olivegirl]

As the scapegoat daughter, parents' love-bombing sends me into a panic. 

It feels suffocating to me. 

I feel trapped.

What do they want?
How are they trying to bamboozle me?

Because there's always an angle!

I react by being increasingly more assertive about firm boundaries without giving them more fuel. 

I feel safer as the discarded scapegoat! 

[Sneezy]

Lovebombing is awful!  When I pull back from my mom, especially if I've called her out on her bad behavior, she will leave sickeningly sweet phone messages.  They are all about how much she loves me and please call because what if something happens and then the last words we ever said to each other were mean words.  Like I said, it's awful.  And phony as can be!

[Cat of the Canals]

Pretty much agree with everything said above. My mom is a major lovebomber. The way she fawns just makes me cringe. She's very grabby when I'm around her in person. She also bemoans to third parties how she "wishes we were closer." Naturally, 100% of the onus for this closeness or lack thereof is on me.

[nanotech]

Yes it's dreadful. My dad, when in lovebombing phase, usually tells me how I'm 'number one'
or I'm ' very important'
or that I'm 'first in the queue' ( in relation to my siblings)
It's all very false, very impermanent, and also very immature and frankly inappropriate. I don't wish to be the first or the favourite, I've told him as much and he just chuckles strangely as if to say, ' Of course you do!'
As you say P123, they want the relationship that THEY want.
Lovebombing is often followed by some kind of request. If not it's a general ploy to draw you back into the fold.

[donutmoonpanda]

Oh wow. I kind of had an epiphany trying to relate to this.

I'm a family scapegoat who never really experienced love-bombing from my parents or sibling. I was rarely paid any attention to unless it was to scapegoat me. The focus was all on my uNPD parents. My brother was the golden child.

Honestly, it is incredible how I survived on practically nothing at all. I was never praised, as a child or as an adult. Everything I did was garbage to them. They'd brag about my accomplishments to other people without me knowing about it, but minimized or criticized all that I did. I know a lot about NPD, and I've seen my parents lovebomb other people, but never me.

I'm NC with all of them now. And they went quietly in a way that has mystified me and my chosen family and friends. All it took was not answering one phone call, not returning a message, or not responding to a text, and they practically never bothered me again. I didn't need to refer to the toolbox. I've been hoovered twice in a decade and those attempts were super weak.

And that's why. No lovebombing. They just cannot stomach the thought of lovebombing Panda, that is the one thing they'd never do. They'd never stoop so low. 

[square]

I've noticed narcissists do not distinguish between flattery and real compliments or loving feelings.

So when they engage in flattery, they are spending a currency actually valuable to them, but garbage to the rest of us.

They must feel confused when it doesn't work.

[easterncappy]

Love bombing makes me physically sick. These people don't understand how relationships are supposed to work. I think they believe that we're machines that you put affection tokens into until obedience falls out. They have an extremely transactional view of relationships, and that forced relationships are just as good as truly mutually wanted ones. My mom and I were "best friends" when I was a kid. She often tells me how sad she is that "we're not close anymore...". I've seen so many people on this forum express some version of "when I was a kid I basically agreed with whatever BS my parents implied I should agree with so they wouldn't treat me terribly for one day". It never occurs to them that like, forced affection doesn't count. Just like forced confessions.

Mine doesn't always want something after, but it still makes my skin crawl. I know it's not genuine. I can't help but think "if you really loved me as much as you're claiming to, my life with you would have looked a lot different". She looks almost soulless when she lovebombs... like she's just trying to copy what she thinks loving behavior looks like. It's also rich hearing really dramatic, over-the-top affection about how "I'd breathe for you if I had to! You're the most important thing in my life! I love you more than anything!" from someone who consistently abused me and left me in dangerous situations with other abusers my entire childhood.

I did have a problem trusting affectionate words from others for a while. But I enjoy affectionate words from my husband, or others who I suspect actually like me. I have a huge complex about "words vs. actions" because of my mom... if we're only taking her actions into account, you'd think she hates me.

[p123]

Glad I'm not the only one - yeh it does make me feel sick to be honest!

Its 100% with Dad because he KNOWS he's not as important to me and he think he should be. So he wants to get in there and make sure he's still got me tied in there...... And of course, he wants a relationship where we're REALLY CLOSE which is never happening when he behaves like this. He STILL tells me how my brother is so caring and phones him every day, how good his brothers wife is, she visits twice a week, bakes him cakes, etc etc.

Half of it is probably made up though. No way am I phoning him every day - twice a week is a chore. And my wife doesn't speak to him and he hates that she's not under his control.

One of Dads new tactics is money. Pretty cautious with his money is my Dad as I've said before. Thousands in the bank just because. Never touches it. Birthdays £20 note (its been same amount for 20 years).

Recently son passed his A levels (in the UK) did really well and is off to college in a week or two. His gran (whos not got money) gave him a few £. Dad £0. Recent holiday, gran gave the kids £100 each (love her this was the day before mind - umm yeh you can't spend £ in Florida!). Dad £0. And he moans his grandkids dont want to visit.

Anyway, he focuses on me not getting paid when I'm on holidays. (It is what it is). So seems to have cooked up this idea of "helping me out". To be honest, I don't need it. I know the deal with my job/contract so its not a surprise.

I can imagine Dad sitting there with two people on his shoulder like a cartoon. One is saying "Nooooo keep the money in your bank account", the other is saying "Yes give him money and he'll visit more often".

So what did Dad do? Try to give me £100.

Now not being ungrateful but £100 probably won't even cover my pay until lunchtime on monday. Not sure what he expects. To be honest, if he wanted to genuinely "help out" how about your grandson whos going to college? Give me a few thousand. I just can't help thinking a "normal" grandparent who had £25-£30K in the bank would, at the very least, give a K or something to first grandchild to go to college?

[Sneezy]

I think they believe that we're machines that you put affection tokens into until obedience falls out. They have an extremely transactional view of relationships, and that forced relationships are just as good as truly mutually wanted ones.

This is exactly how my mom thinks.  Our relationship is completely transactional to her.  She knows she has gone way too far lately, not just with me but with my siblings as well.  And so we are all getting major lovebombing today.  One of my brothers just texted me to ask what was going on with mom because she called him and was really sweet and reasonable.  It's so fake and also totally unlike her.  Honestly, I feel sorry for her because she doesn't know what a genuine relationship is like.

[easterncappy]

I think they believe that we're machines that you put affection tokens into until obedience falls out. They have an extremely transactional view of relationships, and that forced relationships are just as good as truly mutually wanted ones.

This is exactly how my mom thinks.  Our relationship is completely transactional to her.  She knows she has gone way too far lately, not just with me but with my siblings as well.  And so we are all getting major lovebombing today.  One of my brothers just texted me to ask what was going on with mom because she called him and was really sweet and reasonable.  It's so fake and also totally unlike her.  Honestly, I feel sorry for her because she doesn't know what a genuine relationship is like.

Obviously they're human beings just like the rest of us, but if I really think about it, they're missing so many basic human emotions and abilities. They don't know how relationships are supposed to work. I don't think they can feel love beyond something as shallow as how many of us "love" our favorite food or another object... and they outgrow "love" towards human beings as easily as I outgrew my "love" for Smarties. They certainly can't even begin to conceptualize things like sacrificing for others, being selfless, genuine altruism and charity, empathy, and so on. They can do all of these things to an extent if it makes them look good, but their cutoff is much sooner than it is for the rest of us and the motivation is entirely different. These things are near universal across cultures, races, religions, age groups... and they cannot relate to them. And they're all a part of real love which is why it feel so wrong when they start lovebombing.

I stopped feeling bad for them a long time ago. I will not feel bad for someone who is the emotional equivalent of a chimp with a machine gun, wreaking havoc in people's lives and emotionally terrorizing anyone who gets too close. I know it sounds terrible but if my mom is incapable of feeling bad for me, I'm not martyring myself and feeling bad for her... because with feeling bad for a PD parent comes lowering your guard and telling yourself that the unacceptable is acceptable because "oh, she can't help it...". Then suddenly you wake up and realize they run your life again even though you're a grown adult with your own family and your own life.

The lovebombing especially feels like trying to see an alien be human. I think many of them are convinced it's genuine... they're still manipulating, but they think that's what everyone does, so it's real to them. It goes back to how my mom thought I just wanted attention every time I was having a legitimate medical emergency... that's what she would be doing if she behaved that way, so it must be what everyone else does, too. She's said things like "everyone lies, but when I do, I get in trouble, it's not fair!". It must be a sad existence to think that this is what being a normal person is, but it's an even sadder existence being stuck with one of them as your parent from birth until you break it off, often long into adulthood.

[olivegirl]

My uNpd father's idea of expressing love is showing contempt for my sibling.

Obviously projection, as my F is very insecure and envious of his siblings.

UNpdF will go on about my sibling is stupid, naive, fake.  He thinks that trashing my sibling truly brings me joy.  I know his smug contempt is an attempt to bond with me and it's nauseating.

When I just ignore his hateful comments to my sibling (his adult child!), he then feels bold to tell my sibling that I am guilty of boldly trashing her.

When I say calmly confront my uNpdF about his hatefest and shite-talking, he gives me a smarmy dark glare and/or will rage at me.

I think he's truly perplexed.

He doesn't understand that I love my sibling, I am not threatened by her and looking to be compete with her for his affections! 

It's a feeling that thoroughly confuses him and thus he obviously thinks I am putting up a front that I care about my sibling bc how is that possible?  UNpdF has siblings and competes with all of them and has nothing but negative feelings toward them.

[easterncappy]

My uNpd father's idea of expressing love is showing contempt for my sibling.

Obviously projection, as my F is very insecure and envious of his siblings.

UNpdF will go on about my sibling is stupid, naive, fake.  He thinks that trashing my sibling truly brings me joy.  I know his smug contempt is an attempt to bond with me and it's nauseating.

When I just ignore his hateful comments to my sibling (his adult child!), he then feels bold to tell my sibling that I am guilty of boldly trashing her.

When I say calmly confront my uNpdF about his hatefest and shite-talking, he gives me a smarmy dark glare and/or will rage at me.

I think he's truly perplexed.

He doesn't understand that I love my sibling, I am not threatened by her and looking to be compete with her for his affections! 

It's a feeling that thoroughly confuses him and thus he obviously thinks I am putting up a front that I care about my sibling bc how is that possible?  UNpdF has siblings and competes with all of them and has nothing but negative feelings toward them.

Yep. The only time I ever got compliments was at someone else's expense or they reeked of "my daughter is the most beautiful because she's my daughter", or in other words, things about me were good as they related to things about her (or things she could brag about). My mom would compare me to my cousin and say that I'm better than her because xyz, then if I was down and sad, she'd flip and gush over how great my cousin was at my expense... especially when my cousin did something that hurt my feelings (she either has a PD or a lot of fleas because nearly everyone in our family is this way), then it was time to take my cousin's side.

My mom didn't understand that I'm not interested in being better than everyone. I'm not competitive at all. I was very uncomfortable with her "compliments". It was as fake as all of the other lovebombing, but it went to show how insecure they must be (especially N's/N tendency PD's) if they really think that the only way to feel good is if it's by putting someone else down.

[Pinkos]

I'm NC with all of them now. And they went quietly in a way that has mystified me and my chosen family and friends. All it took was not answering one phone call, not returning a message, or not responding to a text, and they practically never bothered me again. I didn't need to refer to the toolbox. I've been hoovered twice in a decade and those attempts were super weak.

And that's why. No lovebombing. They just cannot stomach the thought of lovebombing Panda, that is the one thing they'd never do. They'd never stoop so low. 

Yeah this is pretty much my experience as well. I finally reached my rope's end and didnt' call for a while and didn't return a call and that's all it took! I had felt for a long time that I was required to make all the effort to maintain the relationship with all family members (while they acted indifferent/bored and just generally made me feel I was not cool enough to sit at their table) and I wanted to see if they would pick up the slack if I stopped. The answer was a SWIFT NO!! Even now they can't be bothered to call or text to let me know that an uncle has passed away! God forbid that they initiate anything. I must come to them as a supplicant!

[p123]

New tactic from Dad tonight - MONEY!!!!

To be honest, I've been telling him for about 10 years at least to stop saving his money. Its pointless. In the UK, if you've got savings and need either in home care or to go into a home if you're savings are over a certain level then they pretty much won't pay until your savings are spent down a bit.

Bit unfair but hey ho. Of course, they're very wise to people who suddently transfer it out to their kids at short notice.

So doing without because you don't want to spend money is a BAD BAD idea. So is being really tight and not giving it to your grandchildren (remember Dads £20 birthday contribution hasnt changed for 20 years)
Ultimately you're saving money that pretty much the government will take off you.

So last night out of the blue "Im going to give you and you're brother £1000 each". Hmmmm. Explained the EXACT same reasons that I've been trying to tell him for 10 years of course. And I'm thinking haven't you listened to a word I've said for the last 10 years????

m dubious - Dad doesnt give money away. Hes up to something.

[moglow]

Admitted cynic here when it comes to random offers of money: If it were mine, next it'd be "well, I gave you x amount of money, surely you can at least do y or z for me ..." as if that's payment for services [to be] rendered. OR she already has something in mind for me/whoever to do for her. Plus if s/he divvies it out in smaller chunks, they think it keeps the money train going.

Strings are attached, I guarantee it. You just have to decide if the strings are worth the accompanying chaos. My response has been and will remain: it's your money, do with it what you will! I don't allow my life or "attention" dependent on payments from a deeply unstable human, and make it clear I can't be bought at any price. I learned a while back to do what I can where I can and politely refuse when I know I can't.

Side note: there's nothing wrong with using his own money to pay for "care" - isn't that what it's for, after all? Things are much the same here actually, govt funding doesn't kick in unless/until finances are down at a certain level. When a senior still has property, savings, investments, etc they're more able to provide for their care whether in nursing home, senior living facility or what have you.

[p123]

Yes something is afoot here I fear - just waiting for it.

Im a bit annoyed with him though. My son went away to college this week, and I went up there with him the weekend. His 1st grandchild to go to college. I phoned Dad yesterday, 99% him, 1% how is x?

I wish he'd give the money to his grandchildren like normal people do. But no he has to give it to me directly. I suppose I'm the one who supplies his services so needs bribing.

[lkdrymom]

Well, now you have a free room in your home...for him.

[moglow]

    Erm "Kid's out, reservations, please!" 

[p123]

Well, now you have a free room in your home...for him.

Oh jeez no! Well son is home for holidays - 3 weeks at xmas and easter and about 12 weeks in the summer.