Seeking community input/ DVRO set to expire

[illmeetyouthere]

I left my BDP ex (never married) when I was three months pregnant. The best choice I ever made, after the crushing mistake of ever dating him or getting impregnated by him. I have a 3.5 year old son. I have physical and legal, with generous visitation for his dad. I've had a protective order against him for two years. It expires next week.

While looking for a new lawyer, I heard too many times that what has been happening over the past two years isn't bad enough. It doesn't matter that I know this person is capable of violence. He's never physically attacked me or our son and he's never threatened to hurt me. Even if he had hurt me, he'd still have visitation. Even if he'd hurt our son, he'd still have visitation. I'm sure I don't have to say here how inept, backwards, broken, the legal system is in the US. As they say, the only good victim is a dead victim. I have feared for my life and safety, and do now, as he is in a downswing and acting deranged at our exchanges. These happen outside the sheriff station, which is NEVER open at the times were there. I said I wanted to switch last year and then backed down when he didn't agree. When am I going to learn to fight?

i said i want guidance, but maybe more ....i don't know. is there anyone out there who has learned how to REALLY manage themselves while still interacting with their PD coparent? or is it always demoralizing, exhausting, terrifying? i know we come here when we need help, but can anyone out there tell me that their older or adult children are doing ok? that they see their unwell parent for who they are? do they see everything you did to mitigate, to guide, to be their port in any storm? and are you ok?

right now, my sons dad is full disney land. son eats fruity pebbles for dinner at his house. he doesn't nap. he spends one overnight there every other week and when i call to say good night the room is covered in toys. his dad let's him throw the toys across the room, throw dirt and sand at him, things that i shut down INSTANTLY bc i actually care about our sons well being and not just being seen as the fun parent.

but i do want my son to see me as fun. and also as safe. as loving. as warm. i resent how much he likes his dad. and i sometimes resent him, because i am legally bound to this person for 14.5 more years. i feel so angry. at the system, at the dad, at myself ....at all the shit i went through as a child and adolescent that directly contributed to me excusing red flags and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone who exhibited weird, controlling behaviors ON OUR FIRST DATE.

i wish things were so different in so many ways. and i wish i could stop wishing for something impossible. i don't want to waste a decade of my life in acute stress, fight or flight, worrying myself sick about the many interactions i have with this person per week. any advice from those who've been doing this longer, advice about being ok and about how to approach documentation.

oh, one more specific since i don't have a lawyer. my son has a close relationship with my best friend (a male, who my son calls uncle, who my sons father has latched onto as the ultimate enemy. our relationship is platonic). my sons father disparages him: "your uncle should have left us alone. mama and papa should be together." "your uncle took everything from me" "your uncle is a bad person" "i used to come to mamas house and now i'm all alone". he's been saying this stuff to our son for at least a year, possibly longer but my son wasn't capable of reporting it. is it worth hiring a lawyer to give them this info in the almost inevitable circumstance that we will end up in court again? nothing is pending currently.

i think, mostly, i needed a safe space to write this down and to not be alone.

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry you're in this situation. It does sound very distressing. While I understand feelings of guilt, I don't think you've done anything wrong.

I suggest you contact an organization in your area that helps people like you who have been targets of domestic abuse and violence.

[Penny Lane]

Hi illmeetyouthere,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I totally get the fight or flight.

The good news is, I think you are asking all the right questions! You have a chance to set yourself and your son up for success. And, yes, things will get better, not immediately and not totally, but in five years you're going to be amazed at how much easier everything is.

So my stepkids are 15 and 12. When they were much younger, and even when I met DH, things were really, really bad with their BM. She was scary, she would corner DH and scream at him, she would come to our house and scream at both of us, we had to call the police. She would physically block him at events and she would shut doors in his face. She would send him, no joke, 15 long nasty emails in a row with name calling and demands and whatnot. And so on. It was awful, it made it hard to have any quality of life, she really succeeding in sucking a lot of the joy out of his life and later mine.

Now, things are so so much better. She still has events where she spirals. But at least insofar as DH is concerned, she is much more restrained. I can't remember the last time she caused a scene around us - it's been years. Her nasty messages are much fewer and farther between. When she does have these spirals, yes they're frustrating and scary, but they aren't the extreme terrifying life events that cause us to spiral for days or weeks - it's maybe a day of thinking it over and trying to figure out if we can help the kids, then we move on.

So how did we get here and how can you get here?

So first of all I think you are on the right track in wishing you could stop wishing for the impossible. In my experience, you can't 100% stop wishing your child wasn't so closely tied to a person who behaves so badly. However, you can refocus that energy onto things that you can change rather than things you can't. I'm with you that there is so much bs in the "justice" system, and you're not going to get any sort of justice at all there. The other thing that is (probably) not going to ever get better is your ex's behavior. YOU might change how you interact with him, or find successful ways to encourage him to do the right thing, but you simply can't count on him becoming a better father, coparent or person.

Instead, you focus your energy in two areas. One is finding productive ways to relate to your ex. The other is making your son resilient against his father's behavior.

On the first, finding productive ways to relate to your ex. I'm not saying he will ever be productive, I'm saying that you find strategies that will minimize his ability to disrupt your parenting and stress you out. Ideally, this would mean minimizing interactions altogether. It is so hard when your son is so young, you really have to have information exchanges (though it gets easier!). But you can do other things to minimize it. Put everything in writing. Refuse to engage in person - practice deflecting and saying things like "please send me an email about that." It sounds like you are the default parent. The less you need to get his buy-in for things, the better. Any areas where you have to come to an agreement are going to be nearly impossible and create a situation where he can inject stress into your life.

The other thing is - straight up ignore anything that you don't have to respond to. The stuff about his uncle - he's saying that to get a rise out of you. If he doesn't get that rise, he will eventually move on to the next thing and the next thing, and if he learns that none of those things get your attention he will eventually, slowly start moving on to harassing other people to get their attention. Only engage on parenting issues, and when you do, use the BIFF method.

The best thing we have done is to install video cameras at our house, and for DH to make it clear that he's recording BM when she goes on her unhinged rants. Would you feel safe recording him? The point isn't necessarily for court, it's to curtail his behavior. This works with our BM because she's very interested in her public persona, she doesn't want other people to see her behave like this. But your mileage may vary.

The other thing is making your son resilient.

Part of this is giving him life skills to live through having an irresponsible and potentially dangerous dad. Teach him to call 911, to make a sandwich, to bathe himself and dress for the weather. Not yet, probably, but as early as he's ready to do it.

The other part of it is making him emotionally resilient. Teach him through your actions that he is in charge of his body, he doesn't have to blindly listen to adults. Teach him to make choices, even if it's just "this shirt or that shirt" or "do you want to wear your coat or carry it" at his age. When he gets older it'll be "do you want to play a sport and which one" and more complex from there. Teach him that it's not ok to yell or be yelled at. If he sees his dad yell at you, let him see you respond with a BIFF, assertive response that shows you are not OK with being yelled at. Share how you deal with negative feelings - "I am very upset right now so I'm going to take some deep breaths." Teach him how to do the same when he has big feelings.

As he gets older you can talk through scenarios in tv shows or books. "I've noticed that when people say trust me, like that character did, they are often lying." "I've found that yelling at people like that makes it less likely that they will do what you want." Activate his critical thinking. "Do you think that character should have done this?" This will help him think through what kind of behaviors HE wants to have.

When dad disparages you, like with the uncle, and your son repeats it to you, that's another good time to activate that critical thinking. Does that match with what he's seen of his uncle? Do you think he's a bad person? Once your son has had his chance to tell you what HE thinks, you can fill in the blanks that have facts that he couldn't figure out for himself. "I'm not sure what your dad is talking about, but I do know that uncle did not take his place in my life. I appreciate that uncle cares so much about you."

This is hard. It's much harder than raising a kid on your own. But you are his rock, his dad can feed him all the sweets in the world but he will look to YOU for guidance and stability and love. Even little kids know that toys don't replace that - especially if the toys come with scary behaviors.

Your frustration and other feelings are so, so valid! Give yourself room to feel them, to grieve the parenthood you wish you could have with your son. If you can, see a therapist - they might help you learn to live with this terrible situation.

I don't think it's a bad idea to have a lawyer that you trust on retainer. DH has needed to go to court with short notice. But I would recommend putting your effort first into seeing how much you can make things better by changing behavior on your end, maybe browsing the toolbox on this site if you want more advice on how to interact with him.

And finally, you are not alone and you are not at fault, not even a little! Come back and vent anytime.

[Stepping lightly]

hi Illmeetyou there,

I am sorry you are in such a tough situation.  My situation is quite similar to what PennyLane went through, and my step kids are luckily now 15 and 17 and wonderful human beings despite the extremely high conflict.  One of the things I always found frustrating was how the court system never seemed to protect the actual victim.  DH had actual physical attacks against him, my MIL, and the kids- but BM turned it around that DH was the abuser.  She was a very convincing "victim" even though she had no no evidence.  Courts do not always get it right, or even most of the time, but the best thing you can do is keep clear records of your experiences.  We also have pretty tight security (cameras/locks) around our home, limit information BM can obtain about us, and try never to be alone in her presence if we can help it (we have had family members/friends show up if needed). We are protecting ourselves on 2 fronts- witnesses for when she attacks and witnesses in case she decides to get creative with her accusations.  We did do some recording for interactions when things were really bad and that sure did tick her off.  She actually got the added to the custody order that DH was not allowed to record, or ask anyone else to do so on his behalf.

I wouldn't worry about your son seeing you as "fun" unless that is the natural flow of your relationship.  There are lots of roles parents play in their childrens' lives, and fun is just one of them.  Some others that might be even more important are "safe", "reliable", "understanding", "warm/loving".  I see a lot of mothers I know sad that that "Dad" is always seen as the fun one and it actually causes a lot of friction because they get annoyed when dad enjoys being with his children (This includes intact families).  I think it's most important to be authentic and not feel like there is a competition for the different labels.  Not long ago, we played this game where everyone had to vote on which shape represented the personalities of each family member- both kids picked a square for me...I am what I am :-)

Lastly, minimize interactions and engagement everywhere possible.  Don't bite when you know he might be bating you, or when you know he is going to try to suck you into a circular conversation/argument.    With emails, "get in, get out".  Have a separate email account, and only check at specific time points so you don't get drawn into a negative mental space by surprise. 

[illmeetyouthere]

Thank you everyone for the replies. PennyLane, i am quite literally in tears having read your advice and hearing about your experience. You are 1000 per cent correct-the comments about Uncle are directed at me, as well as being a reflection of BPD dads rock bottom self esteem. He uses language almost like our son is his romantic partner  - "no man will ever have my son."  it's so .....horrible ...weird... exhausting ....idiotic ....etc.

and thank you stepping lightly, for making me laugh out loud with the story of being a square. i think you're right - it is more important that i am who i am, and there's a lot of good there, and a lot of strength. thank you.