How I picture NC

[sunshine702]

I just realized something.  All my lifeI have tried things - a new patio dining place and thought I should share it with them when they are out next.  And a normal parent would have.  Now I get it.  I continue to grow and try new thing with ZERO hopes or intention I will share it with them.   In fact it is best not to even mention it.  I untie the boat and drift away and I bet she doesn't even notice.

She was never really interested in my thing anyway.  I can remember a conversation I had a few years ago.
I feel in love with a certain dog breed The America Eskimo Dog.  I had one from puppy through 16 and then inspired by Blizzard I did foster and rescue saving 17 Eskimos from kill shelters and finding them homes!  I am very proud of that work.   Well she told me one day a few years ago that I should get a Westie.  Her customer Julie C has one .  I remember it as a kid I told her.  They don't shed - she sneered. Well mom I don't care I like Eskies.  Westies are nice but I like Eskies.

Untie.   Float down river.  Tell them nothing.  They really don't care about me

[olivegirl]

Reading the book "Mothers Who Can't Love" released a lot of anguish for me.

My parents can not give what they do not have.

They would have to love themselves in order to love me. 

And I know undoubtedly that both of my parents are extremely self-loathing.

I see their self-hate when they say very racist, homophobic and misogynistic things in an attempt to feel better about themselves.

I see their self-hate when they manufacture chaos and sow division and express schadenfreude with relatives and neighbors.

I see their inner pain when they are trapped with paranoia that others are out to get them in retaliation for their covert mudslinging and backstabbing.

And I see their self-loathing when they cannot take responsibility for any of their behaviors and are completely devoid of empathy for others so how could they show some grace for themselves?

I try not to feel pity for them because I have been groomed to equate pity with love.  And I know that when I feel pity for them then I am susceptible to allow them to manipulate me and harm me.

I really try to express gratitude that I have the ability to empathize with others, I can take ownership of my mistakes and forgive myself and that I do not hate other people in order to bring myself up.

And then I tell my inner child that I do not need a mom or father anymore, that she is safe, and then I remind myself that I can parent myself by loving myself through acts of self-care. 

Hang in there!  You are enough! 

[Jolie40]

She was never really interested in my thing anyway.  They really don't care about me

a number of years ago, when husband & I visited PD parent, we left saying "that was best visit in a long time"

next day, GC called me & asked "what did you say to her during visit?" "she called me & was SO upset from your visit!"

husband & I racked our brains out & couldn't think of anything that could have upset her!

after thinking about this for years, I finally realized that on the visit, we were sharing about us & our lives
for a PD parent, it must have been upsetting that the whole visit wasn't about her & only her

[Cat of the Canals]

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I've had to stop sharing things I like with my mom, because she seems to go out of her way to crap on whatever it is. So many times I've gifted her books I really loved, and she found something to nitpick with every. single. one. Then has the nerve to stalk my Goodreads profile and ask me for book recommendations! I haven't recommended or gifted a book to her in years because of this. She hasn't seemed to notice.

PDmil is similar. She's coming to visit and there are probably a dozen restaurants in town that we love but will never take her to, because she wouldn't appreciate it. I don't know what her expectations are with these things, but she's never satisfied.

[doglady]

I get it, Sunshine702.

Sometimes we wonder if we even exist in our family's eyes.

In my FOO, this manifests as something only being interesting to my uPDm if my GCuPDbro has done it, likes it, etc.

As just one of numerous examples I could mention, I travelled to the US and UK many years ago, but when my bro went to the UK only a year or so after me, she kept telling everyone all about the UK and what he'd said and done while he was there, to me included! I had to remind her that I'd been, too, which is ridiculous because she has the memory of an elephant - albeit a highly selective one!

After a while I simply stopped bothering to share anything much with her. It was all too disappointing to feel like I was in some sort of competition I'd never signed up for and could certainly never win.

Yes, untying that boat and floating down the river sounds like an awesome idea.

[Starboard Song]

Untie.   Float down river.  Tell them nothing.  They really don't care about me

When this is the right answer, that is exactly the right way to say it.

[moglow]

I just realized something.  All my life I have tried things - a new patio dining place and thought I should share it with them when they are out next.  And a normal parent would have.  Now I get it.  I continue to grow and try new thing with ZERO hopes or intention I will share it with them.   In fact it is best not to even mention it.  I untie the boat and drift away and I bet she doesn't even notice. ...

Untie.   Float down river.  Tell them nothing.  They really don't care about me

and this

My parents can not give what they do not have.

They would have to love themselves in order to love me. 

These comments in particular resonate with me. They can't give what they don't have, which leaves us feeling that we are lacking in some way. Most/all of us have tried 1,000 different ways to reach our parents, to get "more" even when we don't know what that might look or feel like. We just know something essential is missing in our interactions with them.

While I never doubted Daddy's love for us [our family], I've done little more than question mother's. I don't understand how one human can be so devoid of care and compassion for others, much less her own children, but here we are. I can only assume that like happiness, she can't provide what she doesn't have within herself. As I've drifted [and at times full on pushed myself] further from her, I'm realizing I'm not lacking here. I never had those connections with her, so I've not lost them either. I've lost hope of them, which is a whole other kettle I have some problems wrapping my head around. I spent decades with that hope and to let it go ... it's not an easy thing.

It's grief work we're doing. At times it just is and others it's painful, like any grieving process. Sitting in it with you, Sunshine.

[treesgrowslowly]

So much strength in feeling that untying of the boat. I can feel that lifting of the weight as I read your post Sunshine702.

It is a sad truth that our species can procreate / reproduce without knowing how to love the child they produce. If only they could learn but they can't.

So many people have birthed babies they had no idea how to nurture, teach and protect. So sad how many of us there are who were born to people who couldn't teach us what love from them would feel like.

We are not them. They are not us. We are our own. Our life can be ours. Patio visits and all. Lots of healing to give ourselves what they don't have to give.

Cat of canals, totally. Their lack of appreciation is epic. I'd rather dine alone!!

I am going to be close to 20 years NC someday. Amazing to think of when that boat got untied.

And this last year, I have been able to appreciate so many more moments in my life. The fog does lift. I hope we all find peace after the untying of the boat. I rarely even think about them when I'm enjoying myself these days.

Moglow, beautiful writing there. Grieving and letting go of the hope we had for so long. It is hard work.

Trees

[Pinkos]

Yes, yes, yes. This is the crux of it for me. I've spent so much time analyzing all the details, what I/they said, should've said, should've done, etc. But in the end, they really don't care and that's why I chose to untie my boat and float away several years ago. The perfect imagery! Once I came to that heartbreaking acceptance, I can't unknow it. It's there glaring at me even in the FOGgy state I've been in the past couple weeks. I read or heard this line some where - the truth is a bully we all pretend to like - and man how I hate the truth sometimes and despair over it. Nevertheless, I will float on.

[sunshine702]

Dog lady,

" Mom I have been there too."— Oh my goodness THIS!  I lived in New York City for a hot minute.  Just under a year.  She never remembers that and has a photo of Golden Child Brother with the World Trade Center behind him on one trip.   Not one of me. Sigh.

I KNEW that subway station underneath.  It had the best newsstands.  I knew the tightness of lower Manhattan.  But I don't exist.  The competition.  Yes this and I don't want to play!!
One time she went on and on about how my GC brother took her to Cheesecake factory by the mall how Gourmet it was.  I think of that when I find myself thinking maybe THIS will be the perfect spot.  Lol.  Untie. 

[mary_poppins]

Wanna join this conversation...

'They cannot give what they don't have.'
I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've heard this a million times but it does not apply to all of us. How can you explain people who've not had love and empathy in their family but they're loving and empathetic and are able to give love/empathy to others? I am like this and I know at least one person like me. Did I have maternal love, affection, compassion, understanding? No. There was only trauma and pain growing up. Yet, I don't go around abusing people. I had a choice to either use others to make myself feel better or go to therapy early on and surround myself with healthy adults (teachers, parents of my friends etc) to un-learn dysfunction.

I think they could give if they want to but do they want to? I don't believe it. Giving love is not an option because then they'd have to be vulnerable.

[mary_poppins]

sunshine702-It's sad to realize they don't care, isn't it? You can see this in simple things they do-forgetting to an errand that they'd promise they do for you, not acknowledging your awesome experience and instead putting it down so that golden child takes the stage (if I'd win a contest, I'd be ignored but if GC wins, there'd be a huge party going on), not listening when we say 'we like this dog breed NOT that' or when we assert our boundaries, etc.
Example: for my bday last year I told her not to bake anything and instead buy raw vegan cakes. Her response: They're too expensive, why can't you eat normal cake like everyone out there?

This year, golden child stopped eating sugar and asked her to not bake cakes for her birthday (a hobby of hers is to bake for a huge event) and instead to buy vegan cakes. She jumped with excitement and of course bought several of those cakes for GC. She gave me a small one, too. Lol. Her behavior resembles that of a mean girl-trying her best to upset the people she's close to because it makes her feel 'cool' and 'special'.

[Escaped_Goat]

Ultimately we've always been no contact. You can't connect with something that isn't there. I'm no less connected to them now there is no communication. It is as it ever was, the only difference is that other people are aware of the disconnect because there's no pretend relationship, no effort making it look like we are connected for the benefit of making it feel more palatable.

[Pinkos]

@mary_poppins I hear what you're sayin'! I also see my mother as a mean girl. In fact I have her saved on my phone as #1 Mean Girl.  Because her behavior is exactly that of some high school girl who wants to alienate/exlude me from her clique of "cool girls" with my younger sisters. She's done it my whole life. She has told me that she doesn't like me because I'm too assertive/wilful. I'm not sure exactly what she means but it's clear that she's used that to justify her behavior towards me. I think when people say "they can't give what they don't have" they're saying these people just don't have the emotional maturity to be giving/loving. My mother certainly doesn't seem to have that maturity. She seems arrested at the adolescence stage. When I see her around other mothers in her age group she comes off much younger than them. In her mannerisms and behavior.

@Escaped_Goat - You're exactly right! There was never any connection and now that I'm NC the only difference is that I'm saving myself the distress from trying so hard to forge a connection and hitting a brick wall every single time!

[Miss Kay]

I wish we had the like button here as you all have posted such insightful and helpful comments.  Yes - She never knew me.  I think this was the saddest part for me.  She knew my golden child siblings, or at least the perfect version in her head, heck she even knew every detail about their friends, work buddies, etc. but she never cared anything about my life unless it was something titillating that she could gossip about.  Yet, like most daughters, I tried.  Oh Lord did I try to please her and get her attention, her approval but it was never to be.  It took me way to long but I too finally decided to untie my boat and drift away.  That made her mad because I was not there to hear her complain or meet her every need.   I figured the golden child could do that role now too!  At any rate, I didn't see her or speak to her the last 8 years of her life.  You know that saying that grief is the price we pay for love?  Well, she's been gone six years and I have felt no sadness or regret.  I'm still waiting but I just can't seem to muster a give a dang and I'm proud of myself for that.  I did nothing to harm her or punish her.  I simply removed myself from the scene and stepped away for my and my own family's sake and it was the best decision I ever made.