DARVO from PD sibling

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

Urghh, I popped around to see my PD parents. My PD brother (49) moved back from overseas 2 years ago and is still living with my parents.

He's basically mooching off them, and I don't know when he will leave. He is very good at playing the victim,and is quite When we were kids he was violent towards me, but would falsely accuse me of doing things, and my parents would often believe him, or minimize his attacks on me.

Anyway, when I was at dinner I recently nipped out of the room, and he moved over and sat in my chair, and didn't move, so I was forced to ask him to move, which apparently was 'rude'.

I'm so sick of the gaslighting and emotional abuse.

It's just a visit, but it all just really gets to me, I think it's the DARVO most of all that gets to me.

Anyway, thanks for reading 😌

[mary_poppins]

Sorry to hear that your visit to your PD parents triggered you. As for your PD brother's violence-well, the memories never go away. My PD brother was violent towards me, too. I only remember one instance when he actually punched me in the mouth and I bled. It is funny but my mind blocked who exactly punched me (I have 2 PD brothers). But I know there was a punch at one point. Of course, it could have been worse.

I have to say that if you can manage to go very low contact or no contact, do it. They never ever get better, it actually gets much worse with age.
I went NC with FOO for 4 years and broke it in 2020. It feels that now they're more cunning and cruel than ever, I;m actually terrfied of them.

Anyway, sorry for making this about me. Just wanted to say that I understand your pain and that VLC or NC will really help in these situations.

[JollyJazz]

Hi Mary Poppins,

Thanks so much for your empathy and support.

All good re: your stories  I'm sorry to hear that you went through this, but at least we know we are not the only ones.

I find I 'self gaslight' quite a bit where I minimize it all.

Anyway, thanks again for your support 

[Sarahttt0]

I feel you on this. This seems like something my PD sister would do. It is so frustrating having siblings that gaslight and manipulate on purpose. You deserve so much better! I wish we could all have loving, warm, supportive families. But I am very thankful to have this forum to meet others who are in similar situations. Sending best wishes.

[notrightinthehead]

Jollyjazz, I might have misunderstood your story, so ignore if I am all wrong. But when he sat in your chair after you returned you had choices. You could have just gone and sat down in his vacated chair and not said a word. You could have have done so and said, it seems we are playing musical chairs. Or you could have sat down on his lap. You could have walked out again, put on your coat, left. You could have refused to take his bait. Been a bit puzzled by his behaviour and then ignored it.  You know that your family won't change. So if you engage with them, don't fall for their games. Protect yourself. You are an adult. You are on the path of healing from narcissistic abuse. They can behave how they behave. You cannot change that, nor should you try. You can change how you respond. And you can choose to respond in a mature way, so that you feel good about yourself afterwards.

[Almasmalmas]

Sorry to hear that your visit to your PD parents triggered you. As for your PD brother's violence-well, the memories never go away. My PD brother was violent towards me, too. I only remember one instance when he actually punched me in the mouth and I bled. It is funny but my mind blocked who exactly punched me (I have 2 PD brothers). But I know there was a punch at one point. Of course, it could have been worse.

So sorry to hear about what you've been put through. I've been hit by my older sister when we were kids and also in adulthood. Her response to these acts of violence have been on the lines of "you shouldn't feel offended or attacked by my abuse because you confronting me for it brings out so much shame in me". Once she said this loud and clear: "You make me feel so much shame". Well I am sorry for reacting to being hit in the head "by accident" as she claimed afterwards. After over 3 decades of crap from her and my mom I've been trying to mend the relationship between us (like a god damn fool), but all I've gotten from them is more guilt, projections, attacks to innocent comments and all the other lovely stuff that comes along with this kind of disorderly thinking. Last time I confronted my sister about what she's been up to against me lately, I had the pleasure to hear from her that I am in fact scaring HER and MOTHER. And according to them this is why they withhold very important information from me. This victim talk must have been the most ridiculous thing they have said in the past couple of years. I was shaking from pure rage but ended up telling my sister (I think kind of calmly, at least I hope so) that "you're not scared of anyone. Least of all me. And you know that". The phone call went oddly quiet and I honestly think that she took what I've said as a compliment. This opened my eyes a bit more to the reality of our relationship and the sad fact that we will never share a reality. I will always be their literal and figurative punching bag.

[JollyJazz]

I feel you on this. This seems like something my PD sister would do. It is so frustrating having siblings that gaslight and manipulate on purpose. You deserve so much better! I wish we could all have loving, warm, supportive families. But I am very thankful to have this forum to meet others who are in similar situations. Sending best wishes.

Hi Sarahttt0,

Thanks so much for your empathy and supportive words 

Yes, it does help a lot to know we aren't alone, although I don't wish for anyone else to suffer from PD abuse, it just helps so much to have support and understanding, thank you!

[jdmelb]

Jollyjazz, I might have misunderstood your story, so ignore if I am all wrong. But when he sat in your chair after you returned you had choices. You could have just gone and sat down in his vacated chair and not said a word. You could have have done so and said, it seems we are playing musical chairs. Or you could have sat down on his lap. You could have walked out again, put on your coat, left. You could have refused to take his bait. Been a bit puzzled by his behaviour and then ignored it.  You know that your family won't change. So if you engage with them, don't fall for their games. Protect yourself. You are an adult. You are on the path of healing from narcissistic abuse. They can behave how they behave. You cannot change that, nor should you try. You can change how you respond. And you can choose to respond in a mature way, so that you feel good about yourself afterwards.

This is the place I would like to get to, and sometimes am at. They are who they are. Rather than falling into my usual trap of hurt and intense rumination, when dealing with rubbish people, I'm going to protect myself first and foremost, drop any expectations of getting what I need and deserve, and 'keep it light'. I'm starting to think that is true power. I was afraid to go down that road in the past because of the FOG, ie they would be rattled if I WASN'T deeply hurt and sullen, and then I'd feel guilty. Madness.

[JollyJazz]

Sorry to hear that your visit to your PD parents triggered you. As for your PD brother's violence-well, the memories never go away. My PD brother was violent towards me, too. I only remember one instance when he actually punched me in the mouth and I bled. It is funny but my mind blocked who exactly punched me (I have 2 PD brothers). But I know there was a punch at one point. Of course, it could have been worse.

I have to say that if you can manage to go very low contact or no contact, do it. They never ever get better, it actually gets much worse with age.
I went NC with FOO for 4 years and broke it in 2020. It feels that now they're more cunning and cruel than ever, I;m actually terrfied of them.

Anyway, sorry for making this about me. Just wanted to say that I understand your pain and that VLC or NC will really help in these situations.

Mary Poppins,

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you endured.

My brother was mainly just violent when I'm a teenager, but I still feel uncomfortable around him.

I am LC with him, I'd be less, but his constant presence at my parents house makes this more difficult!
I am LC, and keep up the grey rock with them.

I agree on the tactics changing, they get sneakier, use any piece of personal information as a weapon etc.

I'm so over it!!

[JollyJazz]

Jollyjazz, I might have misunderstood your story, so ignore if I am all wrong. But when he sat in your chair after you returned you had choices. You could have just gone and sat down in his vacated chair and not said a word. You could have have done so and said, it seems we are playing musical chairs. Or you could have sat down on his lap. You could have walked out again, put on your coat, left. You could have refused to take his bait. Been a bit puzzled by his behaviour and then ignored it.  You know that your family won't change. So if you engage with them, don't fall for their games. Protect yourself. You are an adult. You are on the path of healing from narcissistic abuse. They can behave how they behave. You cannot change that, nor should you try. You can change how you respond. And you can choose to respond in a mature way, so that you feel good about yourself afterwards.

Hi Notroghtinthehead,

Yes I'm afraid you have misunderstood, and interpreted what happened incorrectly.