Taking a break, but then what?

[Sneezy]

My mom has been absolutely brutal for the past couple weeks.  It's been non-stop lies, drama, gas-lighting.  She was so off the wall at one point, that I called 911 thinking she was having a stroke. By the time the paramedics arrived, Mom was just fine, and she told them the only problem she has is that her daughters don't call her often enough. The lead paramedic told me that mom might have had a TIA, or maybe it's a UTI, but his best guess was extreme anxiety.

It's not just me.  This past weekend, she called my brother, who lives across the country, at midnight.  She was ranting about how she feels unsafe and needs to move.  Brother said it took him an hour to calm her down and get her off the phone.

I need a break, but I've been afraid to take one until now.  Yesterday, mom left me two long and very mean voicemails.  And so, at the urging of my DH and every one of my siblings, I have blocked mom from my phone and I'm taking a week off.  But I don't know what to do next.  I don't think I can go 100% NC.  Mom is old and, although she is not as helpless as she tries to act, I do want to be here for emergencies.  What I don't want to do is have constant non-stop drama and be her go-to dumping ground for bad feelings.

Mom and I have been down this road before.  I finally hit a breaking point, tell her things need to change, set new boundaries, etc.  And then things get calmer for a while.  But she always manages to ratchet it up again.  She's just really good at what she does, and before I know it, I'm begging her to stop calling and offering explanation after explanation for why I can't drop everything and take her to the damn Dollar Tree to browse for an afternoon.

She is relentless and always seems to be one step ahead of me.  How do I stop it?  How do I make this time different?  What I would like is to see her every week or so and maybe talk on the phone once a week.  I think I could handle that.  But every time I've said that to her in the past, we eventually end up back in the same place.

[moglow]

Is she slipping/possibly loading her grip on reality, do you think? These cries for help/attention seem mighty close together, ramping up tighter. I wonder if she's aware (or not) of how tight that timeframe is, that very few days ago all was seemingly well. Also, is there some birthday of anniversary date looming - mine had a tendency to perform around those. She'd spin harder and tighter, demanding attention.

If she's in need of care, y'all may want to look more into senior living facilities, encourage that for her. I can't remember her living situation right off but pretty sure you can't sustain this for long.

Hold those boundaries. I'm know she's likely to push for a response, any response, but that doesn't mean you have to jump. At the very least id limit her to one means of communication and not respond everytime she beeps. Pick whatever schedule you want to call her and hold to it - her messages in the meantime get no response. You may need to be firmer with your own response, whether internal or external. You know she'll push - maybe you need to learn how to push back.

You are not on call for her boredom calls!!

[wisingup]

Oh Sneezy, I'm sorry.  My own uBPDm is really ramping it up right now too.  It's amazing how consumed they become in their own needs and anxieties and don't care how they affect others.  I am trying to imprint this in my brain so I can hopefully avoid doing anything like this to my own kids when I am at this stage of life.

And I am just a wreck after dealing with her.  I have to hold my ground to the point of being rude to keep her from steam-rolling over me.  I say things to her that sound harsh & I use a tone of voice that I don't use with anyone else.  Then I hate myself for an hour or so for being so mean, until I am able to calm myself down & understand how badly she is treating me and why those words and that tone are required.

Thank goodness you have your siblings - they are the ones who know how this has developed over the years. 

Mom is old and, although she is not as helpless as she tries to act, I do want to be here for emergencies.  What I don't want to do is have constant non-stop drama and be her go-to dumping ground for bad feelings.

As far as I can tell, you can't handle the emergencies without becoming the dumping ground.  She will see how competently you solve her problems, & be highly motivated to keep handing them to you.  Then, as my mom did yesterday, accuse you of dumping the issues on her if you don't solve them. 

Hang in there - I relate strongly to what you're going through!

[olivegirl]

Hi Sneezy,

I am very much in the same place as you!

My uBpd mother has a medical diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety.  She is a prolific liar, very demanding, creates chaos, astonishingly cruel, blames others and plays the victim.

So a few months ago when UBpd Queen/Witch mother made it clear she expected to move into my house, with me being her 24/7 caretaker and paying all of her bills—shite hit the fan!

I immediately became enemy number 1.

uBpd Mom started calling my GC sister 14 times in 2 hours leaving messages ranging from threatening revenge on both of her daughters (including making it so sister loses custody of her kids) to crying that she has the worst daughters to vowing to smear us online as horrible daughters on her fb page and personally calling up our friends and bosses! 

In one voicemail, uBpd started screaming "I'm dying!  Your father is dying!  We are going to die!!!!"  And started heavily breathing into the phone.

So GC sister called the police to do a wellness check. 

UBpd Mom was angry but very calm and informed the police that alllllll she wants is her two daughters to pay attention to her and care for her!!!!

uBpd mother was irate and left a few more messages on GC sister's phone that yours truly (me!) had been verbally abusive and a bully to her and that I must be the one who orchestrated contacting the police.

So now uBpd mother has been giving me the silent treatment bc I am supposedly sooooooooo abusive to her and mean to her bc I do not show respect and deference to her.

My uBpd mom is a my way or the highway kind of person.  If we are to have a relationship, it will be 100 percent on her terms.  Otherwise she will create chaos, lie, gaslight, triangulate, backstab, and darvo nonstop.  Because she is the mother, she gets to rule! 

I tried changing my mother.  Nothing worked.

I tried VLC and strict boundaries.  She felt threatened by that and just escalated the chaos.

I know what uBpd mom wants:  she wants me to rescue her, she wants to live in my house and running my household, she wants me to be subservient to her and pay all her bills and be her chef, nursemaid and companion and put my husband and kids last.

So uBpd mom is having a tantrum and I am now NC because it is all in or nothing with her.

So I suppose it's gonna be nothing. 

And while I am obviously struggling with that reality, I am learning to come to terms with the emotional blackmail. 

And I am staying No Contact for my sanity.

[Cat of the Canals]

After everything you've shared recently, I'm surprised you made it this long before imposing a break. You're a saint for taking so much crap.

But every time I've said that to her in the past, we eventually end up back in the same place.

Stop expecting her to be the one to accept/conform to your boundaries. Less "saying" and more "doing." If this is going to happen, it's all down to you and your behavior.

I know that's easier said than done, but I do think there are some practical things you can try to make it easier:

-Choose the day of the week you're willing to speak on the phone with her and leave her blocked every day until then. If she doesn't have instant access, she can't rope you into the circular conversations to begin with! Stop them before they start.

-Start setting a timer when you speak to her. 25 minutes is my personal PDmom quota. When the timer goes off, the call is over. If you need a list of excuses: Someone's at the door. I need to start lunch/dinner. I've got something in the oven and need to check it. I've got another call coming in I need to take. My battery is about to die. Or the old Woman_Interrupted special: The dog's on fire!

-If she behaves enough to earn prolonged unblocking in between calls, stop answering her calls and texts immediately, as a rule. Send her calls straight to voicemail and impose a waiting period. Same with texts. Right now she's likely conditioned to think you're just a call/text away. That a single message will send you running to her aid. This is how you train her to start understanding otherwise. It does take time, but we've successfully done it with PDmom and PDmil. PDmil understands it so well that she will often try to call my husband the MOMENT he texts her back, because she knows he has his phone in his hand. 

-No more explanations, no more JADE, no more circular conversations. When you JADE, you only give credence to her guilt trips. The second you hear yourself repeating something or saying, "I've told you before..." the next words are, "We can talk about something else, or I'm leaving/hanging up." And then you have to follow through. It's said that PDs have the maturity level of a toddler, so expecting her to simply take "no" for an answer is kind of setting yourself up to fail. She can whine and moan all she wants, but you don't have to stick around trying to placate her.

Mostly, I hope you'll take this break and do some heavy self-care. I imagine you need it.

And I don't know if this is at all helpful, but I think this cycle you're talking about is par for the course when trying to maintain a relationship with a PD. We do everything we can to mitigate the worst of their behavior: GR, MC, info diet, etc., etc., etc. And in the meantime, they do what they do. And eventually we either get worn down, or some of the proverbial crap hits the fan, or BOTH, and we find ourselves in desperate need for a PD vacation. So I hope you're not beating yourself up for needing a break. It's only to be expected.

[moglow]

   ALLA that! We can't simply state this is what we're going to do "if," then sit back and wait. We have to do it and keep on doing it, regardless of external forces, promises, guilt trips etc.

I know it's not going to be easy - just remember THIS isn't easy either. You're not punishing her necessarily, but yes, if she treated you better you'd understandably be more willing to listen than you are. Even then, it's too much with all the complaints and demands. WAY too much.

[olivegirl]

I too have thought: how do I stop it?

I realized that my mother is just a very bitter person. 

She has been pretending her entire life to be "winning" at life but it is all a farce.

And I know that as time goes on, she will only get meaner.

She has said some truly hateful things to me.  The kind that you never forget.

[Sneezy]

Is she slipping/possibly loading her grip on reality, do you think? These cries for help/attention seem mighty close together, ramping up tighter. I wonder if she's aware (or not) of how tight that timeframe is, that very few days ago all was seemingly well. Also, is there some birthday of anniversary date looming - mine had a tendency to perform around those. She'd spin harder and tighter, demanding attention.

My mom has always had her own reality.  She lived, and still lives, in a version of the universe that she has created.  She has her own rules.  And it is getting worse.  We all got back from a big family reunion a few weeks ago and that seems to have set her off.  I think it's partly because 40 or 50 years ago, Mom would have been in charge of the whole affair.  But at her age, she ended up sitting on the sidelines.  Everyone was sweet to her and she did get a fair amount of attention.  But she was no longer able to participate in all the activities.  The "kids" (i.e. the generation after mine) were dancing and singing around the fire pit, while Mom and the other older folks sat on the porch and watched.  And I think that really affected her.  She wasn't the center of the event.  I wonder if she had some type of narcissistic break? 

[moglow]

Is she slipping/possibly loading her grip on reality, do you think? These cries for help/attention seem mighty close together, ramping up tighter. I wonder if she's aware (or not) of how tight that timeframe is, that very few days ago all was seemingly well. Also, is there some birthday of anniversary date looming - mine had a tendency to perform around those. She'd spin harder and tighter, demanding attention.

My mom has always had her own reality.  She lived, and still lives, in a version of the universe that she has created.  She has her own rules.  And it is getting worse.  We all got back from a big family reunion a few weeks ago and that seems to have set her off.  I think it's partly because 40 or 50 years ago, Mom would have been in charge of the whole affair.  But at her age, she ended up sitting on the sidelines.  Everyone was sweet to her and she did get a fair amount of attention.  But she was no longer able to participate in all the activities.  The "kids" (i.e. the generation after mine) were dancing and singing around the fire pit, while Mom and the other older folks sat on the porch and watched.  And I think that really affected her.  She wasn't the center of the event.  I wonder if she had some type of narcissistic break? 

Sneezy, that sounds painfully familiar. I don't know if it's a break or if their filters have worn down to non-existence over the years? Md's done that as far back as I can remember though. She can't abide not being the center of attention and would go to any lengths to ensure it's all on her, doesn't care who she walks over in the process. I honestly think that's the nature of the narcissistic/borderline beast within, that overwhelming demand for ALL the attention all the time.

I remember one gathering when her mother passed, md and a few of her siblings were sitting in the kitchen while I was talking with another aunt in the den. Md kept raising her voice that she wanted coffee, *I* needed to go get her a cup of coffee, what were we talking about that's so important etc, yelling it across the house when nobody jumped up to serve. Aunt finally told her to hush, the coffee pot is within three feet of you, get up and get it yourself! Md puffed up like somebody had slapped her and didn't speak to aunt or me again. She later complained that she was grieving for her mother and how I did her wrong by doing nothing to help her - no recognition that we're ALL grieving and there was no reason for her to behave the way she did. [Years later this same aunt was in my town for several days. Not only did mother not tell aunt I lived within just a few miles of where they were staying, she didn't tell me they were in town at all. It came out later that mother, her sisters plus a few of my cousins had gotten together and no one said a word to me about it. "We all had the nicest visit" is what mother said to me after they had gone home. Petty.]

I've witnessed too many of their own rules over the years, and I know those rules can be highly changeable depending on what she/they see fit at any given moment in time. Truly damned if we do/damned if we don't. I could tell when md was building her next mad, there are little signs -more slights, complaints and insults mainly- that build until Mount Vesuvius erupts. But it's all manufactured, inventions in her own mind based off air and moonbeams, with little snibbits of "I need" this or that, or ancient comments or gossip that no one else seems to know about. She takes whatever assumptions pop into her head and runs with them. It's like she pushes and isn't satisfied until someone either cries or gets mad and blows up at her. She wants - NEEDS - that emotional reaction. But why - power? Control?

What I - we - have to do is double down on our own boundaries and stop expecting any kind of respect from that quarter. I think we do that by limiting our exposure when we need, and the eventual realization that it's not personal. It *can't* be personal, not when they're so indiscriminate with the abuse.

Acceptance is your friend, including accepting that she's going to be who she is and you can only control your own response to it. Md was livid when I stopped reacting to her stuff, you could feel her seething, just looking for an opening. Her ultimate "power" was in cutting me off mid sentence as if I were saying nothing at all. When md couldn't get her desired reaction she'd end the call abruptly every time. She made it clear she had no interest in anything I had to say, and by the same token I had no interest in being the repository for her nasty comments. So she'd push harder, trying to catch me in an unguarded moment. Being on guard like that all the time was exhausting and debilitating.

I've stopped calling and she's not tried. If md actually needed help, I'd do what I can to help her get it. Beyond that, I feel sorry for her that this is what she's chosen for her family and her whole life. It's not necessarily a great place to be but it is more peaceful than her incessant chaos.

[Sneezy]

Acceptance is your friend, including accepting that she's going to be who she is and you can only control your own response to it. Md was livid when I stopped reacting to her stuff, you could feel her seething, just looking for an opening.

Acceptance is the hard part.  I unblocked her long enough to listen to her phone messages this morning.  And promptly blocked her again.  She went from angry to love-bombing yesterday afternoon.  By last night, she was calling my sibs again, crying that she is unsafe and needs help.  As you noted, she is clearly looking for any opening at this point.

Thank you for your insights - I truly think we are talking about the same mother at times.  There must be a playbook that we aren't privy to, because they all seem to follow it.

For now, I take a break and then reset firmer boundaries.  And wait.  Because this is not going to end well.  Mom will either fall and break a hip, because she likes to "get away" with not using her walker.  Or she will have a worse mental meltdown and her senior living facility will call 911.  Either way, she will wind up in the hospital and then probably some type of rehab and then into assisted living.  She is fast approaching the day where she can't handle her own mental and physical safety.  And the sad part is I could help her delay the inevitable if she would only treat me like a normal human being rather than treating me like crap.

[Sneezy]

She has said some truly hateful things to me.  The kind that you never forget.

I'm sorry to hear that, olivegirl.  The things they say can be so mean-spirited.  Sometimes it's things that don't even sound that mean to others, but they hurt us.  When I was trying to decide how to wear my hair for my DD's wedding, mom asked in a judgemental way "are you going to wear your bangs like that?"  I know, how dumb to let that get to me.  But I did wear bangs and now I remember her comment every time I see the wedding pictures.  It hurt.  Sometimes the things she says are really and clearly hurtful.  Like when my sister lost 30 pounds (yay, good for my sis!) and all mom said was "well, it's too bad the skin under your arms is so loose now."  I'm really surprised Sis still speaks to Mom.  They can truly be awful.

[Sneezy]

Stop expecting her to be the one to accept/conform to your boundaries. Less "saying" and more "doing." If this is going to happen, it's all down to you and your behavior.

Yep, I can't change her.  I think I sometimes think of mom like she's a child.  And with children, we can change our behavior in ways that teaches them things and then they change and grow and mature.  For example, when we don't react to a toddler's tantrum, the toddler learns not to throw tantrums.  But my mom doesn't learn, not really.  Maybe for the short term.  But nothing sinks in and she never changes.  So I can refuse to react to Mom's tantrums for my own sake, but I can't expect that she will ever learn or change.  She is who she is.

[moglow]

She is fast approaching the day where she can't handle her own mental and physical safety.  And the sad part is I could help her delay the inevitable if she would only treat me like a normal human being rather than treating me like crap.

Here's where I think there's a hard disconnect - consider how she'd have understandably responded had you treated her the way she does you. It's unimaginable and not part of who you are anyway, right? Yet somehow in her mind it's the norm and she doesn't see it as a problem. I'm not saying paybacks or anything like that, but the simple fact is that things could be so very different had she allowed it.

I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with, and I know how painful it has to be.

[TimetoHeal]

Is she slipping/possibly loading her grip on reality, do you think? These cries for help/attention seem mighty close together, ramping up tighter. I wonder if she's aware (or not) of how tight that timeframe is, that very few days ago all was seemingly well. Also, is there some birthday of anniversary date looming - mine had a tendency to perform around those. She'd spin harder and tighter, demanding attention.

If she's in need of care, y'all may want to look more into senior living facilities, encourage that for her. I can't remember her living situation right off but pretty sure you can't sustain this for long.

Hold those boundaries. I'm know she's likely to push for a response, any response, but that doesn't mean you have to jump. At the very least id limit her to one means of communication and not respond everytime she beeps. Pick whatever schedule you want to call her and hold to it - her messages in the meantime get no response. You may need to be firmer with your own response, whether internal or external. You know she'll push - maybe you need to learn how to push back.

You are not on call for her boredom calls!!

Great advice from moglow.  I am in the same place as you right now, sneezy.  I think keeping her to one mode of communication is a great start.  And it sounds like your siblings are supportive, that's great.  I would take advantage of her "needing more help" (real or imagined) to start talking senior living/assisted living.  That's what I'm doing with my mom. I think it finally got through to her that neither I nor my brother plan to take her in to live with us.  For now, anyway...

[TimetoHeal]

She has said some truly hateful things to me.  The kind that you never forget.

I'm sorry to hear that, olivegirl.  The things they say can be so mean-spirited.  Sometimes it's things that don't even sound that mean to others, but they hurt us.  When I was trying to decide how to wear my hair for my DD's wedding, mom asked in a judgemental way "are you going to wear your bangs like that?"  I know, how dumb to let that get to me.  But I did wear bangs and now I remember her comment every time I see the wedding pictures.  It hurt.  Sometimes the things she says are really and clearly hurtful.  Like when my sister lost 30 pounds (yay, good for my sis!) and all mom said was "well, it's too bad the skin under your arms is so loose now."  I'm really surprised Sis still speaks to Mom.  They can truly be awful.

Those little jabs are so painful and hard to "get over".  Two of my mom's most recent are, when I was starting a relationship last year with a guy I had serious concerns about (knew he was trouble from the get go, but I tend to get myself into these things anyway because of my low self-esteem.  Gee, I wonder why?), and made the mistake of confiding in my mom.  She said, "Well, it's not like you're going to be 25 for your next birthday.  Might as well give him a chance". And when I brought home a new kitten recently, she said, "You know she's going to outlive you". 
Thank you, MD, for two jabs at my age (I turned 50 this year) in a few months span.  I appreciate it.   

[Cat of the Canals]

And when I brought home a new kitten recently, she said, "You know she's going to outlive you". 
Thank you, MD, for two jabs at my age (I turned 50 this year) in a few months span.  I appreciate it.   

How long does she think cats live?????