I made the mistake of telling them about work

[mary_poppins]

Can someone here explain why do narcissistic parents get mental/hyper/super controlling/inquisitive when you tell them you work somewhere or give details about the work you perform (doesn't matter what type and where-it can also be remote)?

I told them I am doing a trial work somewhere and that I'd like to get permanently hired there and they've been obsessed with it since. They constantly talk about it behind my back, they ask me a million of questions (where is this place, how are co-workers, salaries, benefits, hours etc) and they even offered to take me to work by car daily (this is ridiculous because they never helped me out of the 'kindness' of their hearts so why would they do it now?)

I haven't given them the exact name of the place and my mother has spent hours searching for names online wtf?? I don't want to give her any name since I know it's possible she might do something to either cause me trouble or most probbaly, would find something negative about the workplace and criticize it (she likes to criticize what I do-it's like her hobby).

Should I just tell them I quit or stopped working there? I don't know how to undo this, it's so stressful. Also, did this happen to you as well?

[NarcKiddo]

I don't know why. Maybe it's because work for an adult is a very large influence on their life and the parent feels edged out? It can provide easy excuses, too. "Sorry, mother, can't see you. I have work." With my parents there is also an element of reflected glory. They want their children to be doing something they can boast about.

[bloomie]

mary_poppins - this sounds so awkward. I am really sorry that sharing something that is a big part of your life... got a new job, enjoying it, hoping it turns into something long term illicits this kind of hyper focus from your parents and boundary busting nosiness.

With my own parents with disordered tendencies they viewed their personal information and details as extremely private belonging only to them and any details about my life as belonging to them as well. They were entitled to KNOW it all. Financial, vacation plans, job and education decisions, interactions and relationships with other people, where I attended church, shopped, what kind of car I chose to buy or drive... all of it. So that... they could mull it over, and then state their approval or disapproval often to me and other family members.

They absolutely understood boundaries and privacy, but only when applied to themselves.  My life was fodder for them.  I put them on an information diet and began to live out healthier boundaries once I realized the extent of their entitlement to my life overall. In my case it wasn't just my autonomy and personal choices they were disrespecting and running all over, it was my time, belongings, financial resources, even how I think that they seemed to truly believe they had a 'right' to manage and direct. What was mine was theirs and what was theirs was theirs.

I have observed this objectifying behavior in enmeshed family systems. Having grown up handing over my life to my parents you can imagine how hard it was to begin to hold private space for myself. At first, I kind of had an all or nothing attitude. I was challenged to find tools and develop smart ways of communicating with them that allowed me to still interact, but only on a very superficial level and to use savvy ways to change the subject and move on from the inquisitions.

I also learned to be very careful and filter so much about my life, that if my parents were healthy, I would've gladly shared with them. They were not trustworthy enough to offer what was precious and important to to only be devalued or devoured. 

Using Medium Chill and Grey Rock are two very helpful techniques when faced with this kind of intrusion. Another tool in my toolbelt is finding a few phrases that I can use that buy me a beat and then changing the subject to something else. So, an example would be when they come in hot with the need for more info.. pushing... I would adopt a nothing to see her, boring demeanor and say something like: "Oh, nothing new to share.... Hey, did I tell you I picked two buckets of apples off of the tree today?" And carry on.

You don't have to tell them something about this job that isn't true. You don't have to tell them anything else about it. Any information about your work or opportunities that are coming your way belongs 100% to you. With my own parents, they definitely were sensitive to the shift in me. They pushed back. I held my MC and GR and got better and better at navigating the conversations.

Ultimately, if they had been interested in me, my good, in supporting me and offering wise and sage advice when asked instead of inserting themselves into the narrative of my life over the substance of my life, things would've been very different between us. We are not objects that belong to our parents to be examined and evaluated, picked up and put down at will. They may never truly get that, but we sure can.

[intothewest26]

My mother’s family is like this too. They are also overly critical about absolutely everyone in my life, so if I have a bad day and complain one time about someone at work, they will constantly bring it up and make that person or group of people out to be 100% bad.

It’s really quite aggravating. It’s like nobody or no work environment is “good enough” for them.

[olivegirl]

My very narcissistic spendthrift parents definitely feel entitled to know the details of my personal finances in order to exploit me for their benefit.

When they perceived me to be very comfortable based on their assessing my furnishings, vehicle, attire:  they had the audacity to ask me to buy them a condo in my high cost-of-living city. 

After all, by raising me, they are now broke so I owe them.

So when I explained my furniture was bought at a outlet, my vehicle is still on a payment plan and my clothes were purchased years ago on clearance, hoping that they'd stop salivating that I would be their ticket to the easy life!

(I learned early on to be frugal to escape the drama of living with two immature parents obsessed with keeping up appearances and impressing others.)

So after gaining this information from me, my parents came up with an offer they felt I could not refuse: 

They will live with me, I simply have to add two more places at the dinner table every night and they are happy to occupy the guest room and they will hand over their social security pension to me. 

Lesson learned. 

After trying to stick to info diet, my parents were constantly sleuthing and making comments on how I was living my life.

Seafood dinner?  Wow you sure do eat out a lot.  Must be nice to be rich.

I heard you only gave $50 to your goddaughter.  Geez you are quite the tightwad huh?  Tough times huh? 

So exhausting!   

So now I'm just NC. 

[Cat of the Canals]

My very narcissistic spendthrift parents definitely feel entitled to know the details of my personal finances in order to exploit me for their benefit.

This was my first thought. Then again, PDmil isn't entitled financially (not yet anyway), but she has always been sort of hyperfixated on work in general. She started telling my H when he was a small child that he "needed to get a job!" When he started his own business in his 20s, she kept asking when he was going to get "a real job."

Work is also one of the few excuses she actually values. "I have to work" is one of the only ways to get out of visiting with a major guilt trip attached. Work is like religion to her. It must be respected. And also feared a little bit. And yet the entitlement still reigns supreme, because she used to just show up at my BIL's workplace whenever, which he hated (for obvious reasons). I do think this was partially motivated out of nosiness. She wanted to see where it was. Wanted to meet his coworkers (she has no friends so it was probably the equivalent to a social outing for her).

When it comes down to it, I think they feel entitled to know everything you're doing, whether it's of particular interest to them or not. It's that part of them that feels like you're an extension of them. That feeling might be so strong that, in their mind, it would seem odd to NOT know all of the ins and outs of your professional life. Thus, the entitlement.

[moglow]

They can't tear it down if they don't know about it. Any information is something to tear apart or denigrate. Seriously, I'd keep it need to know basis only and not one whit more. If she persists and you feel like it, tell her you're doing contract work and it varies. Or just look confused at her then turn and walk away.

I work with/for one of my brothers - md felt it was her due as "the mother" to call the office because we're her children and she needed 24/7 access. No - this is an office and you have cell phone numbers. Call them or don't call at all. I once was asked specifically by him to tell her: she needs to contact us other than during office hours. We will no longer answer her calls here. Period. She gets voicemail. Awkward is an understatement and her response was all you can imagine: She. Lost. It. But she hasn't called back either.

[mary_poppins]

Olive Girl-did you have my parents? Seriously, yours are a copy of mine.
And wow, you went NC. That is probably the wisest decision. Buying them a condo because you owe them? Yep, that would be my parents' wish as well.
Over the years my mother would hint at her being poor (she stopped working a very long time ago) and needing money from her daughter (I earned a good salary) because she had done so much for me and she's now in such a poor state (she accumulated a lot of debt only to pay for house renovation/furniture/new shiny things)-I would feel like crap so I'd give her money. Just to get rid of the feeling.

I assume both yours and mine have a hidden agenda concerning our earnings-they want a part of it because of feeling entitled to our earnings. My mother would tell me over and over how much medication costs (father has diabetes) and that she needs me to help her financially. Another reason is electricity, or water or the internet connection..She'd change the reason she needs money from me often so that's when I realised she's just lying.

She doesn't really need any money (she has a full-time income from her benefits) but feels entitled to my money to keep my on a tight leash. Her ultimate goal is to prevent me from knowing my worth and leaving her. I assume she'll become psychotic when I tell her I am moving out (but I will probably keep that a secret).

So again, good for you for taking the NC route. My life is so stressful now that it makes it hard to concentrate on my life plans. These people are 24/7 on my mind so I also need to consider NC. My body can take just so much stress.

Thanks.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks, bloomie. I am using Medium Chill with them. It is working well. However, I'd very much prefer not to make so much mental effort daily to keep things from them and just mind my own life.

[JustKathy]

Hi MaryPoppins,

I think this is probably fairly common. My Nmother used to do the same things to me. She needed to know every detail of my work, and constantly asked what I was being paid. I think there were two reasons for it:

1. She REALLY needed me to be a failure. She constantly bragged about how successful my GC brother was and couldn't allow me to be as successful. When I was in a low-level position, she was delighted, but as I started to move up the corporate ladder she was angry and demanded more and more information so she could use it against me. At one point, she called my office and asked my secretary what my job title was. Then she took the info and twisted it around to make it sound like I was a total nobody. I was the Director of Advertising for the company and was in charge of approving the art for our product ads. When I went to the family Christmas she very loudly bragged about GC brother's job, then turned to me and said, "and I guess you're still doing that silly art stuff." 

2. She wanted to know how much money my husband and I were making because she was deciding which child she was going to hold responsible for her elder care.

Once I figured out what she was up to I started limiting information about my work, and near the end (before going NC) withheld all information about my work and employers. I had to change jobs fairly often due to my husband's company relocating, which made it a bit easier. I'd just lie about where I was working or would tell her I wasn't working at all or was doing volunteer work. Short story, I decided it was none of her freaking business and just lied to her.

[AlisonWonder]

mary_poppins that sounds so uncomfortable at best.  When I began connecting with extended family and old friends due to learning about Bowen Family Theory I felt different and I came to realise that a lack of relationships creates this toxic intensity and pressure on the few left, until they implode.   I now think life is meant to be a many-to-many connection, and that my own remedy is not going to be the close protection of personal information but the broadening of the field so that secrets are no longer valuable.  However I have been wrong many times.  My extended family is healthier than my family of origin.

[sunshine702]

My parents have literally ZERO BOUNDARIES around our work places.  It is absolutely terrifying!    Two stories 1 my dad likes to snoop around my SG brother's work "too see if he is really there" or "too take you to lunch".  One day he came BEHIND THE COUNTER of the Auto Parts store and was like "it's fine my son works here".... My brother was almost fired over it and he will act all naive if confronted.

2. I worked at a hotel.  He came in to see me and stopped into the banquet room and helped himself to a plate of leftover food.  He was wandering around the hotel eating it and telling everyone that his daughter works here.
I was terrified when I saw it.  Similar naive. What do you mean that would fire you for theft?!  They were just going to throw it out...I think they know and like the thrill of basically shoplifting.

I have some real issues about work because of this and some workplace bulling experiences they could care less about.   They just like to brag that I work at The XYZ place - despite how horrible it was going for me.  Lately the place I work in she has some stock so when she asks me about work it's how smart she was to by Company A stock. 

I think this is a topic I want to work on in therapy -because I have zero ambition anymore and I think I can trace it back now.

[AlisonWonder]

That does indeed sound terrifying    That thing I said above, would be no good for anything like this, or for the spreading of lies and distortions which stop you forming relationships in the first place

I am also projecting it backwards and imagining how any child would feel with this kind of behaviour from large people we are dependent on for everything.  Scratch that, I am not imagining

My parents have literally ZERO BOUNDARIES around our work places.  It is absolutely terrifying!    Two stories 1 my dad likes to snoop around my SG brother's work "too see if he is really there" or "too take you to lunch".  One day he came BEHIND THE COUNTER of the Auto Parts store and was like "it's fine my son works here".... My brother was almost fired over it and he will act all naive if confronted.

2. I worked at a hotel.  He came in to see me and stopped into the banquet room and helped himself to a plate of leftover food.  He was wandering around the hotel eating it and telling everyone that his daughter works here.
I was terrified when I saw it.  Similar naive. What do you mean that would fire you for theft?!  They were just going to throw it out...I think they know and like the thrill of basically shoplifting.

I have some real issues about work because of this and some workplace bulling experiences they could care less about.   They just like to brag that I work at The XYZ place - despite how horrible it was going for me.  Lately the place I work in she has some stock so when she asks me about work it's how smart she was to by Company A stock. 

I think this is a topic I want to work on in therapy -because I have zero ambition anymore and I think I can trace it back now.

[mary_poppins]

Thanks everyone.

JustKathy, I will go your way. I'll tell them I was not hired and instead, found a volunteering position somewhere. In our country, even volunteers are paid, however, the payment is insignificant. That does not interest my parents because they hate helping people/organisations in general so whenever they hear about volunteer work, they change the subject or don't engage.

The comments here are amazing.
I realized that my parents wants to know details about my work because, just like some parents here they:

-want to make sure I have money to support them in their old age (that's why they keep asking me about my salary, duh!)
-want to know my position there so they can brag about it to their friends/relatives. That's a huge narcissistic supply source to them.
-want to know if I can help them financially while I'm in contact with them (if my salary is good enough, they'll ask me for money-they currently do this with my brother who has an international job)
-want to know all info about my life and work is an important part-the more they know about my job, the easier it will be to secure narcissistic supply-ex. Mom was putting down my responsibilities at work and I got slightly angry. That's just one way of making herself feel good. If I start feeling like shit about my line of work, she'll feel better about her own unemployment situation.
xoxo

[mary_poppins]

snshine702-Yes, that is terrifying. Just wanted to post this and validate your concerns. I'd be absolutely livid with fear if my parents visited my work place and created drama there. (they could do that)

[p123]

Oh I can relate to this - my Dad worked in a factory all his life.....

I work in IT/Computers. My brother is a welder so similar to Dad. Hes always telling me how hard my brother works etc. I just get told it must be easy working in a nice warm office - even worse now its home.

He'd ask to do things - sorry Dad Im working what about brother? I'd get "yes hes working I can't disturb him but you're at home anyway".

Hes always trying to get out of me how much I earn - none of your business Dad. Im self employed so don't paid for holidays and hes always trying to tell me dont take any time off. Mind your own business.

Best one is when he tells me I should speak to my boss every week (I dunno perhaps he did this is in the factory?) to ask if hes happy with my work. I tell him its my client, I don't have a boss (I'm not important but I've been doing it 30 years and I'm sort of a consultant rather than the office junior if you know what I mean) and anyway my boss would have no idea what I was on about.
I asked him once - would you expect a surgeon to ask the hospital manager once a week if he was happy with the operations he was doing. Well no but you're not a doctor. Yeh thanks for that!

Now I give him as little info as I can because I know he just wants the info to use against me.

[JustKathy]

In our country, even volunteers are paid, however, the payment is insignificant. That does not interest my parents because they hate helping people/organisations in general so whenever they hear about volunteer work, they change the subject or don't engage.

Isn't that something? My Nmother also had a lot of disdain for people who did volunteer work. In her mind, success meant being in a high-level position where you got to boss other people around. Helping other people? The conversation would end right there.