Not your average divorce

[AlwaysStrong]

It is hard to know where to start but I'll give it a shot.

I have been married to what I believe to be a narcissist for almost 15 years.

I met him when I was 17 years old and he was 38 (originally, he told me 31). I know it sounds crazy and looking back, I now know that I was simply his prey to mold in whatever fashion he wished. But with his sleeve tattoos, hotrods, motorcycles and a successful job, I was smitten. It started quickly with criticism about things like how I dressed, what music I listened to, how much money I made, etc. All the standard covert ways to verbally and mentally abuse someone. Never once, did I walk down the stairs after getting ready and have him stop and tell me how nice I looked or anything of the sort. So, without even knowing it, I was constantly striving for acceptance that I would never receive. I could go on and on with examples but the real story is going on now.
Flash forward years later to when I started becoming successful in my career and finding self confidence that I never had before. I slowly started to feel like a new woman. At 33 I realized that I was not happy and needed to make a change. He would not suddenly become an honest caring person to make my life better so I took matters into my own hands, moved out and filed for divorce. I knew he was protective about money and property so it was a given that there would be a battle to gain anything from the marriage. In previous court battles with his ex, he would simply run them out of finances through the court system so I had an idea of what I was walking into. But I found out quickly that I was in no way prepared for what he would throw at me.

I moved out this year at the end of February but did not file for divorce immediately as I wanted to ensure I could get all of my memorabilia out. Within two weeks of leaving, he started with the messages claiming he was getting horrible headaches. He then said he went to the ER but the hospital he chose is 45 minutes away. According to him they gave him a spinal tap, performed an MRI and gave him Demerol. Red flags were already being raised because he left and was back within 5 hrs. (I checked the alarm system). Then within the next month it progressed into 3 ER trips, possible seizure or mini stroke (he stated he woke up with blood in his mouth and called out for me before he remembered I wasn't there anymore), passing out (conveniently woke up right when I walked in the house to pick up a few more items. He was very alert but still had a carpet imprint on his face from evidently laying on the floor. Keep in mind he has never passed out and I told him specifically when I would be there) to eventually kidney failure and bacterial encephalitis of the brain and signs of tumors on his pancreas. I knew something was off but still didn't want to be the person who would question legitimate ailments if they were true so I tried to get to the bottom of it without him knowing how I felt. I offered to go to doctors' appointments as a second set of ears is always helpful. He always either just left the doctor or "didn't want to bother me about it" so my efforts were fruitless. Finally, I told him that I had doubts and if he would just send me copies of doctor bills or show what the medical codes were on his insurance, I would greatly appreciate it. Eventually he would just respond saying he has proof but only would show it to me if I came to the house, which raised another red flag so I steered clear of that option.

Suddenly all of those ailments are gone except the tumors on his pancreas (he did send me a photo of what he claimed to be the MRI of his pancreas, which I eventually found on google images) are now officially cancerous according to him. He started delaying responding to discovery requests with motions to the court saying that he is stage 3 and property can not be divided while he is accruing thousands in medical debts. Still things didn't feel right as he would not submit proof.

In a wonderful turn of events, I was able to obtain a "diagnosis letter" that he sent to a family member that has little contact with him. As soon as I looked at the letter, I started picking it apart. There were misspellings and the format was all wrong. I then contacted the hospital that "wrote" the letter and they confirmed it was fraudulent. Not only was it fake, but the doctor he chose to use had retired in May of last year but was still on their website as they hadn't updated it yet. He has gone so far as to make sure he left the house for "radiation treatments" 3 times a week and made sure to look as if he could barely walk but at the same time ride his motorcycle every other day even when the temperature was over 100 degrees. At this point he did not know I was aware of the letter so we requested medical record subpoenas to be sent to all 3 hospitals he has referenced. Before the responses came back, he submitted to the court another diagnosis letter minus the doctor's signature and name. A few weeks later we had a special status hearing with the judge. His lawyer spoke up saying she found it astounding that someone would question that this man is sick. She elaborated by explaining what medications he was taking, how often his radiation was and that he was going to be starting proton therapy soon. What she didn't know is that by that time we had received the responses from all three medical facilities stating that they had no record of him in the last year. He also did not know that we had spoken to the legal team at the first hospital that he had forged the letter from and their attorney was present for the hearing. The hospital's attorney testified and my attorney spoke about the subpoena responses so it was now all out in the open. You could tell that his lawyer had no idea that he was making everything up, in turn causing her to submit fraudulent documents to the court.

I thought that with this, he would have to start playing ball in the divorce proceedings and admit his lies so we could simply move forward, but instead he has doubled down with the public and even his attorney. He tried explaining to his lawyer that he pre-emptively put a restraining order on his medical records so the hospitals would not have to respond to the subpoenas. She explained that there is nothing in the law that prevents a request ordered and signed by a judge and that all of the subpoenas were answered but he won't budge. His social media posts say things like "I didn't think I would make it to this birthday" etc. and a bunch of photos showing motorcycles he has built in an attempt to gain praise as well as sympathy.

So basically I am trying to divorce someone who will not accept or admit reality. Combine this with months of messages that were hallmark card guilt trips along with the court battle and half the town thinking I am heartless and needless to say my head is spinning. Seven months after I left, I have finally received the discovery paperwork the other day that in itself is a joke.

I am staying strong but the thought of having to hire a forensic accountant and have everything appraised followed up with a trial seems daunting but I'm not one to give up.

Honestly the purpose of putting my story out there is everything seems surreal in how bazaar things are and I am hoping for some feedback on any similar experience any of you might have encountered. I have searched the web countless times but nothing shows up this extreme. That in itself is what bothers me the most. Also keep in mind that until yesterday, there has been no discussions of settlement proposals or anything financial to set him off. I could have asked for virtually nothing...we never even got to that point. Instead, immediately he tried to play the victim.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I promise this was a very condensed version and only one battle he is involved in that includes forgery.

[Poison Ivy]

Wow. I've never personally known anyone who has done things such as your husband has, but I've heard of people faking illnesses for a variety of reasons.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Wow.
My ex claimed a lot of medical excuses, but not to that extreme.  He claimed he couldn't  work because of his heart, but then he never provided any documentation.  I think he just gave up that sad story once he got his new supply.

Maybe a new supply will change your soon to be ex's story as well?

It'll catch up to him, but how frustrating what you have to go through.

Keep being strong -

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! What a strong and brave woman you are!
You have found a good place. You are not alone in this. There are others who have gone and are still going through equally difficult, however different  divorce proceedings as you. This is a good place to vent and find other warriors.
I feel we can learn much from you, how you freed yourself from the spell, and how you gained the strength to stand up to this bully.

[Kat54]

Wow, that one is a doozy. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

You have come to the right forum. Vent all you want, lots of good ears to hear your story and offer advice if you need it.

I'm just over two years out from divorce. My ex didn't go to those extremes but he dragged it out so long and playing the victim. It took a year to get discovery paper work from him. Claims he never got anything and then lost it. Yeah yeah yeah. My lawyer finally asked a judge to hold him to a schedule and monthly visits back to the judge for an update. Then the judge ordered him pay me back some legal costs due to the needless delays.

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself, and try lots of meditation. 

[hhaw]

AlwaysStrong:

I'm sorry to read you're going through this.  It's apparent your stbx isn't stupid as he's fooled his attorney and kept this ruse going so long.  That he's not giving it up means..... that he's truly disordered, IME and unlikely to stop escalating.

If you have support and people to advocate for you. You're paying an attorney to represent you.  Hopefully that attorney believes you and understands how seriously disordered your stbx truly IS, but you've already seen how far your stbx is wiling to go BEFORE the Judge gets serious about forcing serious discovery and Responses from stbx.

And I have a really bad feeling about things sliding more and more sideways for you...... your guy doesn't have ANY shame or fear of being caught lying, cheating and stealing, IME.  He's unlikely to start caring in this divorce.

Think about what you really want and need in this divorce.  I;m not telling you to consider giving up.  I'm saying fighting over things might turn out to be something you regret losing years of your life and all the trauma you were dragged through. 

You deserve whatever is fair in this divorce, but IME forensic accountants aren't always helpful, just as most private detectives can't help much either, IME. 

What moves things along more quickly is forcing the PD to go to every hearing and settlement conference and hearing without putting ANY of them off.  Just leave everything on the calendar ON THE CALENDAR, even if the PD promises this or that..... assume he's lying and will always lie.

If you go to a settlement conference, ask your attorney to get opposing counsel to agree to hand write out ANY AGREEMENT with all parties signing that AGREEMENT, along with the Attorneys, then have your attorney walk that document to the Clerk's office, file it and put a filed and stamped copy in your hand BEFORE you cancel anything. 

If you depose your PD, he'll lie.  If he testifies, he'll lie.  If you ask for discovery... again... he'll hold back and drag his feet AND LIE.  That's what court with a PD IS, IME. 

It's not common, but you can and should file for your attorney fees to be paid by the stbx, bc he's obviously expanding the proceedings and creating more time and expense with his antics.  Judges eventually lose patience, but it generally takes a while.

You'll get there, IME, so please do ask your attorney to ask for their fees, even if they say it's rare to win them....believe me... it DOES happen, bc PDs will push and push and push until they do themselves in, IME.

If you always speak about your PD with compassion, it's more difficult for him to appear like a victim, IME.  It's easier for the Court to hate him, also, if you're expressing compassion for him and leaving space for Court officers to come to their own conclusions, so stick to the facts, present the facts you can prove and don't have any more contact with the PD than you have to and always always make sure you have someione with you.

I really hate the sound of you going to the house when the PD knows you're going. I hate that he wants you to come to the house...... very much.   

If you fear he'll do something much crazier..... trust your gut.  Some PDs have a scorched earth policy beyond anything one can imagine.

You're 33 and have your life ahead of you.  Please be mindful and proactive. 

Good luck

[Empie2204]

Honestly the purpose of putting my story out there is everything seems surreal in how bazaar things are and I am hoping for some feedback on any similar experience any of you might have encountered. I have searched the web countless times but nothing shows up this extreme. That in itself is what bothers me the most. Also keep in mind that until yesterday, there has been no discussions of settlement proposals or anything financial to set him off. I could have asked for virtually nothing...we never even got to that point. Instead, immediately he tried to play the victim.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I promise this was a very condensed version and only one battle he is involved in that includes forgery.

AlwaysStrong,
Your story and your life are one more proof of how the PDs all act alike.
You started a career, he started to feel like losing ground. It´s all about their control.

The intensity and determination of his actions are really huge. Somehow I believe the stronger the action the greater the wound but not the right to torture you ...

When I was still living with my uPDexh I assured myself that I was not being abused: because I was always self-confident, successful in my job, and independent.
The reality was like this: abuse and financial abuse don´t show in the form of total submission and control. They take their form according to circumstances. When PDs realize they cannot control their partner and be tyrants, they re-form their attempts to constant pressure and devaluing in order to break the person.
When PD partners are easy to rule, they are ruled.
They are constantly gaslighted and forced to the maximum possible submission when they are less gullible.
If they (we) resist if we apply the GR method and other tools, their pressure and frustration increase.
When I was at the beginning of that stage, I feared this might happen – and it did. My h behaved like a wounded beast.
Health matters:
It´s always the same pattern. Before I left my h, I had one serious health issue and he devalued it, even though I had to be treated with heavy antibiotics and daily IVs for 4 days. This health crisis was a consequence of my chronic kidney troubles. I live with that but I have to apply a certain discipline and accept that occasional inflammations can appear.
I am not a whiner but when my body needs help I think it should get it. After that, I continue with my life without asking for special treatment.
When I left my husband, one day he traveled out of town on business and ended up in a local hospital in a small town. I found out later he felt sick and exhausted and he described there he had a ,,family situation". They checked him in detail, prescribed him a mild tranquilizer, and told him to take 3 days´ leave from work.
Since there was no reaction from me, he went to work on the second day and nothing happened.
Conclusion: they tend to use all possible weapons to bring attention to themselves.
Our development and normal life are impossible under these circumstances.
I am aware everybody brings their own decisions but I have tried to live parallelly: trying to abridge my normal needs with his constant need to admiration and attention. For me, it was unnatural and impossible.

[AlwaysStrong]

Thank you all for taking time to give me some feedback. Like I said, everything seems so bazaar but I wasn't sure if this was fairly common or not with his personality type. Sounds like I hit the lottery on this lol. My stbx is also a freemason and the building manager of the local lodge. In a nightmare twist, my coworker rents from the masons so obviously they don't get along as he has all of the other tenants believing that he has cancer while my co-worker knows the truth. So evidently the forgery that has been committed so far with me is not enough as he is forging complaints (supposedly from other tenants) that I can prove are fake to get him evicted. He sent through text a notification of eviction based on forged complaints not even an hour after our last hearing where he was called out for doing just that. He is even having another mason show up for him at the hearing who is a former sheriff as he believes what he is being told is true. I don't think he will be happy as a former law enforcement officer when he finds out that he is submitting and vouching for fake documents as if they are true.

I offered a proposal but he never responded so it looks like he will most likely lose his attorney and we are now forced to do forensic accounting and appraisals. The appraisals are court ordered and there is no choice on the accounting as he is claiming his mom's name is on some of the accounts to prevent me from getting anything.

Honestly it baffles me that he keeps getting away with technically committing felonies. Forging a medical diagnosis letter from a hospital twice including a doctors signature on one. Lying to the court multiple times during the divorce and dragging things out based on those forgeries. I have a feeling that when the eviction goes to court, he will not fare as well as  it appears that what occurred in my hearing can be used to question his character and motive.

If all goes well then I am hoping to get a copy of the transcript for the eviction hearing and combine it with the same from mine. Then contact grand lodge as this is not acceptable behavior from a mason and no person should use their position in a group such as that to manipulate people and the court system. In the end, if the hospital decides to press charges, he could be wrapped up in three battles (divorce, eviction and forgery). Not sure how he doesn't see that.

I ensure that I always have someone with me as protection in case he wants to flip out and no longer work evenings or weekends if I will be there by myself. I have been granted my request to be present during the appraisals and not wanting to go alone, I have decided to take a friend who works for a private high end security firm with me.

He thinks I will go down without a fight and in the beginning I did want it to be simple.....but he has given me no choice but to beat him at his own game. Fingers crossed things start progressing on one of the fronts. I can be patient if need be but I am so ready for this to all be over.

[JustKeepTrying]

AlwaysStrong,

Wow.  Just when you think a pd goes low, they prove they can go lower.  There are stories on here that are truly terrifying.  You are an impressive woman.  Just wow.

In addition to the aforementioned advice, here is my two cents.  My xOCPDh is an accountant - and I am in a no faulty 50/50 state.  So look to the laws where you are - read up and understand it all.  I found all the laws online and I now feel I could pass that part of the bar.

Also, there was a point I faced a forensic account.  Instead, I went from bank to bank and asked to see accounts with this last name - I found great deal that he did not disclose.  I also asked for some QDROs and let the banks duke it out.  It took time but I found some old IRAs and 401ks that were not disclosed.

But in the end I know that there is money I left on the table and he will took.  But that is something I think is worth it considering the peace and serenity that I have now. 

When you are doing your deep dive thing, also see if there could be a countersuit leveled for damages and lawyer costs with this delaying tactic.  Has he asked for donations to help with the treatments - a gofundme page or something?  If so, that's fraud.  Even if someone is giving him a gift - it's fraud.  That's a powerful inducement to resolve quickly.  I'm not a lawyer and this Is Just something to think about.

Keep coming back. This community is so supportive.

[AlwaysStrong]

My state is a no-fault equitable division so he was trying to play the card of being sick and having too many bills so shouldn't have to give up anything. He actually told me in text that if my name is not on an account then I am not entitled to any of the money....I don't know how he thinks I would fall for that. Currently we have requested reimbursement of funds and just to prove the cancer thing is a farce, that total is nearly $6k. Hopefully the judge grants the request and fingers crossed he is caught lying about finances and hides property as well. That will make things easier for me in the long run

[JustKeepTrying]

So glad to hear this.  And you are really on top of it!  Here, it was an even split of of debt and funds - that are reported.  Best of luck to you!  You got this!

[AlwaysStrong]

Update...So I was going to take someone with me for the court ordered appraisals but he started flipping out (he has temporary possession of the house). I thought maybe it would be ok to bring my dad but that is a no go as well. So it looks like I will have to go in with the appraiser alone while my dad sits outside. I bought a body camera and informed the police so they are going to put an extra patrol unit in the area to drive by regularly but I cant get a civil standby all day which is how long this will take. I haven't really been worried about him much but this situation has be a little unnerved.

His previous lawyer dropped him after he would not admit that the cancer claim was fake (even with the subpoena responses from the hospital right in front of him). She also tried to explain the equity in the house would be split. He just responded by saying that it was purchased before we met (only a couple years before) therefore I am not entitled to anything. The new attorney that he retained had no idea that he was lying to the court. She was unaware that the cancer claim is a farce and for some reason he told her that I had taken everything I wanted from the house and everything else is premarital. Funny, I only grabbed memorabilia and a couple small furniture items. Not sure how all the stuff could be prior to a 15 year marriage (17 years together). I wonder if she will drop him quickly or try to hang in there for a while.

In the back of my mind, I just keep thinking that the chance of him doing something crazy is slim but I don't want to be on an episode on the ID channel. Fingers crossed everything goes smoothly on Thursday.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Good Luck to you

[hhaw]

Why can't your father go with you and the appraiser? 

Why does the stbx have to be there? 

Just bc the PD throws fits doesn't mean you have to give in every time, ime.  Putting your safety at risk seems like a good place to draw the line, ime. 

Maybe carry pepper spray and know how to use it without spraying yourself in the face.  There are pepper sprays with gel bases and ones for indoor use.......try a gun store.  Consider bringing someone else with you.  It's your house too.

The fact you're concerned your stbx might harm you is enough for me to feel there's plenty if cause.....listen to your instincts.  Trust them.  Honor them.

You aren't obligated to put yourself in harm's way just bc the PD insists.

[AlwaysStrong]

The appraisers want me to be there to point out what specifically they are appraising. I did not request temporary ownership/guardianship of the house in the initial ex-parte orders so technically he can decide who comes in and who doesn't as well as whether or not he wants to be there. The appraisals are court ordered and I requested to have access not only to help the appraisers but also to see what items he has moved from the property so my having access is also court ordered. Of course when I did so, I did not realize that he could prevent others from being inside.

I hope that the body camera will be enough to deter him from doing anything stupid but we have al heard stories of people that don't see an end to the mess they have created so they decide to not only end it all but take someone else out with them. I'm sure that scenario is highly unlikely but I will be on my guard nonetheless.  Pepper spray is going to be on my list of things to take for sure.

Its just hard to say what he will or will not do. I have no reference to something like this...painting yourself in a corner by faking cancer to all of your family and friends, knowing it will eventually all come out. Somehow though,  I think he also believes if he just continues to assert that he does in fact have cancer then everyone will continue to believe him. So basically it all boils down to whether or not he is mentally stable. Is this a strategic mess that got out of control but he still sort of has his wits about him or has he gone so far as to believe what he is telling others? Only time will tell on that.

I will make sure to keep you posted about how things went. Fingers crossed I am being overly cautious.

[Poison Ivy]

Like hhaw, I am concerned about this situation. AlwaysStrong, can you arrange to send messages regularly while you're in the house to someone outside or nearby, who could help you if necessary? I would arrange to send a message once per hour and tell the recipient that if they don't hear from you at the schedule time, they should send you a message (in case you've forgotten) or go to the house.

[escapingman]

This is very concerning, a PD painted in to a corner already lost his face is a very unpredictable creature. Please be safe and make sure you have protection.

[JustKeepTrying]

If you can't have someone in there with you, have someone on the sidewalk or in the road.  A couple of friends who you wave too from the windows.  Or consider asking for a police escort.  I considered that when the property was removed - just. cop in a car in case of problems. 

[AlwaysStrong]

Worst case I will have my dad on the porch or in the driveway and I like the idea of sending messages regularly. I also have a friend who is ex-military that is going to be in the street. Police will also do extra patrols. I also need to remember to make sure that all the doors are unlocked. The storm doors are "security doors" so it takes a key to open them from the inside as well as the outside and I don't want to not have the exits blocked. I totally agree that someone like him that is backed into a corner is unpredictable so it seems like there is no perfect way to handle this other than take all of the precautions that I can with what I have. 

I will have to do all of this again when the house appraiser is scheduled in a couple weeks but I honestly don't think I need to even go inside for that one since its not like I need to point out anything. Honestly I really hope I can catch him having removed items from the home. I have photos of everything and if he tries to hide money, which I know he is considering he is claiming his mother's name is on several of the accounts, then everything should be in my favor with the courts. Especially when he has already submitted falsified medical documents in the hopes that the court would not split assets while he was "accruing thousands in medical bills" that never existed.

As long as I make it through tomorrow then I get to look forward to watching him dig his hole deeper and make things easier for me....sort of. We still have to submit subpoena requests to the banks and his jobs, but again, the more he lies the worse he looks to the judge. And eventually he will realize that this could have went smoothly but if he wants to take things to the extreme (trying to hide things and make false claims) then I have no problem bringing all of that to light through the court.

I will be so relieved once I am in my pj's tomorrow evening lol

[hhaw]

My ASPD stbx had to put money back into marital accounts after transferring into his parent's accounts during the divorce so know that's likely not going to be a problem.

It's when the PDs are smart enough to fabricate backdated loan documents where things get trickier.....sell property for 10.00, etc.

During the divorce everything is supposed to be locked down except handling regular business.

PDs always take a mile, ime.

Just keep documenting, organizing it and being safe.

If the appraiser can "hire" the ex military person to assist with his work....consider it.  Maybe if the PD isn't aware that person is your ally it will go smoothly?

In any case, I like the text check ins and having all the doors unlocked.

Get your pictures and get out.  Maybe your appraiser can walk with you as you point out issues WHILE you get your photos?

If that person will take an extra $50.00 on the side to be present an extra 40 minutes, WHILE you kill 2 birds with one stone.....its worth considering, ime.

Don't ask don't get.

It's ok to ask for help.