NC with sister four years, why does she keep approaching me in public places?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I am just wondering why my sister keeps approaching me when she sees me in public places? I went No Contact with her four years ago and blocked her on everything I could.     
   
Last year, she and her husband approached me in a restaurant and her husband got a bit hostile and swore at me. I did not engage, and just stood up and walked out as he was still standing there demanding an explanation from me. That interaction left me feeling somewhat assaulted. Earlier this year, my sister invited me to her daughter's wedding and communicated through our parents that I first had to "make amends" to her, or I was uninvited. I never responded to her demand, sent my niece a gift and did not attend. My gift was never acknowledged. That was the last I heard of her until yesterday when I was grocery shopping.

I never saw her approach and was leaning over the citrus fruit when I heard her voice say hello behind me. I turned around and there she stood. She told me her son noticed me and she just wanted to say hello. I looked across the room and saw her son watching us. I felt like he was waiting for a fight break out. I stayed grey rock. I waived but he never waived back. I stayed silent as my sister gave me a rundown on all that is happening with her kids, told me how busy their lives are, and then cheerily said goodbye and walked off. I just resumed putting fruit in my basket.
     
My first thought was the smear campaign was clearly reflected in her son's chilly response to me. Also, she shows no ownership of past wrong doings and no remorse. As she stood there talking, all I was thinking was this is the person who uninvited me to her daughter's wedding just a few months ago. This is the person whose husband was angrily swearing at me not too long ago. How could she think I would welcome her presence?  Her behavior feels very aggressive to me. It sort of felt like a sneak attack where she knew I would be taken off guard.   
               
I thought perhaps what drives her is that in the moment she is able to get my attention. I cannot block her. She will not be ignored. She has the control. Perhaps her ego is wounded by being cut-off, and these occasions give her a way to feel she still has some power. Ugh!   
               
Does anyone have thoughts on why someone would do this, or best ways to respond when approached again?  Thank you.

[treesgrowslowly]

Short answer - she's doing it because she can. When we block them in our email / phone / social media, the one thing we can't do is block them at our local mall.

She's crossing your boundaries in a place (the only place) left for her to do so.

The benefit to you, of this happening in public is that there are witnesses. You can show (with words or body language) you are not interested in any interaction with them, and if they harass, hopefully you'll be able to walk away and others will be around to buffer them from you.

We assume that narcissists / emotionally immature people are thinking like we think. We assume that oh, they must realize how inappropriate this is. Nope. They. Do. Not.

You're not obligated to interact with anyone - relative or not.

I've read about this in the past on the threads here. I think the important piece is for you to do after care for yourself after this sort of thing has happened. Because how ever you respond, the truth is that she's crossing your boundaries when she does this.

After-care for yourself will help you after you feel taken off guard. After-care can involve writing to us here, talking to someone about it, and / or some other meditative practices that help you re-center yourself.

You're not doing anything wrong by grey rocking in a supermarket, especially when it's likely she will walk away after she does her pretend "catching up" small talk with you. You'd also not be doing anything wrong if you walked away, or said "Oh I'm in a rush, can't talk!" and rushed away. None of those responses would be wrong for you to do the next time she catches you off guard.

Trees

[guitarman]

Abusers are all about power and control. To me that explains a lot about my uBPD/NPD sister's behaviour.

I am not in contact with my sister either. I dread the scenario of suddenly meeting her in public. I think you did the right thing in staying calm and not reacting.

My sister would never acknowledge all the upset she has caused in our family. She turns everything around to become the victim.

I'm still trying to figure out what is going on. It's all so bizarre and surreal. Other people don't really understand unless they've been in a similar situation themselves.

I suppose the simplest explanation of your sister's behaviour is that she confronted you because she could. She couldn't be abusive towards you because it was a public place. She would look bad to others.

Her husband may have been angry towards you because of the smear campaigns your sister has been making up about you perhaps.

We can make up all sorts of explanations for other people's behaviour. Unless they tell us why they acted in the way they did we will never know why they acted in that way. We can only change and control our own behaviour.

My sister could be extremely loving and kind at times. At other times she could be very abusive. I think it depended on what mood she was in. If you aren't her friend you are her enemy. It's the black or white thinking.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[LemonLime]

Blueberry, one of the most crazy-making things for me about my sister's PD is exactly what you're talking about......the ability of the PD to abuse someone and then approach them like nothing happened.

Really, it's just such cognitive dissonance.  Thinking about it makes my head feel dizzy, literally.
It's nuts.    It's a form of gaslighting.  It's terribly unhealthy.

You're not alone.  All the advice you got above is so good.

[Call Me Cordelia]

You did great! Really, very impressive. I think you responded the best possible way. No encouragement but unwilling to create any drama. You can't block her in public, but you can make it unrewarding for her. Walking away if it happens again is certainly an option too.

I'm so sorry your sister is like this. It's really mind blowing how they will offend and cross boundaries in every possible way, and then turn on a dime and act cheery and happy to see you, while still crossing boundaries. It's gaslighting and hoovering and you didn't fall for it. She's doing her worst and it's not working. You are understandably upset but you are still okay. Good job and do something kind for yourself!

[moglow]

Short answer: she wants that confrontation, the drama and possible angst it creates. She thrives on it. By shutting her out you've removed that option and there's not one thing she can do. If she *didnt* want it, easily enough done - she could quietly turn the other way, leave, possibly offer an opening to you by way of smile or wave and let you come to her if you wanted. But no, she forces herself into your bubble.

You hang in there and remember you have control over your life and who you allow into it. Always. She's given no indication that she deserves a place there. In fact, she just pushed you further away.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Thank you, everyone. It really helps me find a place to file this away in my mind. Not that any aspect is settled, but that my mind can put it in its proper place and just leave it there where it belongs. Her son watching on from across the room was a bit disturbing. Each time she forces herself into my presence, there is some new aspect to it.  Helpful to be reminded I have control over who I allow in my life, and I control my thoughts and actions.  Thank you.     

[mary_poppins]

I am just wondering why my sister keeps approaching me when she sees me in public places? I went No Contact with her four years ago and blocked her on everything I could.     
   
Last year, she and her husband approached me in a restaurant and her husband got a bit hostile and swore at me. I did not engage, and just stood up and walked out as he was still standing there demanding an explanation from me. That interaction left me feeling somewhat assaulted. Earlier this year, my sister invited me to her daughter's wedding and communicated through our parents that I first had to "make amends" to her, or I was uninvited. I never responded to her demand, sent my niece a gift and did not attend. My gift was never acknowledged. That was the last I heard of her until yesterday when I was grocery shopping.

I never saw her approach and was leaning over the citrus fruit when I heard her voice say hello behind me. I turned around and there she stood. She told me her son noticed me and she just wanted to say hello. I looked across the room and saw her son watching us. I felt like he was waiting for a fight break out. I stayed grey rock. I waived but he never waived back. I stayed silent as my sister gave me a rundown on all that is happening with her kids, told me how busy their lives are, and then cheerily said goodbye and walked off. I just resumed putting fruit in my basket.
     
My first thought was the smear campaign was clearly reflected in her son's chilly response to me. Also, she shows no ownership of past wrong doings and no remorse. As she stood there talking, all I was thinking was this is the person who uninvited me to her daughter's wedding just a few months ago. This is the person whose husband was angrily swearing at me not too long ago. How could she think I would welcome her presence?  Her behavior feels very aggressive to me. It sort of felt like a sneak attack where she knew I would be taken off guard.   
               
I thought perhaps what drives her is that in the moment she is able to get my attention. I cannot block her. She will not be ignored. She has the control. Perhaps her ego is wounded by being cut-off, and these occasions give her a way to feel she still has some power. Ugh!   
               
Does anyone have thoughts on why someone would do this, or best ways to respond when approached again?  Thank you.

It is because she wants to be in your life. She gets a lot of advantages from using you and treating you badly. This is what happens in my family as well. Whenever I block a family member, they somehow do something to get back into my life and pretend that nothing has ever happened between us. They, of course resume their abusive behavior.

So the re-instating of contact from their part is done for their benefit. I read that narcissists (and your sister is a big narc) find it hard to secure new supplies after one goes NC with them. That's because they need to put up the fake persona for a long time until they get under the victim's skin. Love bombing and people pleasing are activities that they need to practice religiously to secure the trust of new people. With us, old family members they don't need to try hard. They know that if they have access to us, they can use their old 'tools' to get us back into the family fold (thanks to our beloved trauma bond, we're easy to manipulate).

I really feel for you. If I met my NC sibling in public several times I'd probably have an anxiety attack. Oh, wait, I already met him accidentally..it did not feel good. So, I send my sympathies and virtual hugs if you want them.

mary

[Srcyu]

It's a form of bullying and massive boundary breaking. She will decide when the contact ends. She must be livid with you underneath it all. She absolutely does not care how you feel about it all.

It's a shame you ended up walking out of the restaurant although, it will have made them look silly, so that's a win.
Grey rock is always a good idea as well as stone walling.
Basically, she has not moved far along from school playground behaviour.

My own sister was behind attempted contact with one of my adult children on Facebook. It failed because she had no idea who my children are personality wise. That's all they can actually do, even when standing right in front of you in the fresh fruit section, knock on the door of your life without actually being able to get in.

[sandpiper]

I've noticed that with the uNPDs in my family, it is often nothing to do with me and more about their consciousness of the audience that they have. If they don't value the audience then they'll give a performance that says exactly how little they think of you and if there is an audience that they need to impress, they'll crank up the charm and pretend everything is just peachy. They operate on a superficial level to keep most of their social arrangements going so this is a default setting in some place like the supermarket where at any moment the head of their church or their child's choir teacher might suddenly appear unexpectedly.
I.e. Aunt has been an ice-queen snotty horror with me when there is nobody around to see what she's doing but when she has encountered me in a restaurant and she's surrounded by her social circle, she has an act that she needs to keep up in order to keep them unaware of what she's like when they aren't watching.
My trauma counsellor called it 'Street angel/Home Devil'.
It's not always about you.
But yes, what the others have said.
Well done with the grey rock, and don't try to get inside her head, it's a weird place.