How much to surrender...

[FiveForFighting]

Second time in as many months, we've devolved into a heated argument about my current weight, of all things. Some time ago, I decided I would change some things up for health reasons and for my own benefit. Wanted to bring some numbers down, feel better and get my docs thumbs up on a way forward. I'm a fit individual but I did need to lose some weight and I did. My wife has battled her weight ups and downs for years and has an unhealthy relationship with food. I think she looks fantastic but I cant tell her that and she dismisses all compliments from me; and that's even if i can get in a comment in prior to her self deprecating. I am at a place right now that I am happy with, feel good and BP is way down, chol and all numbers are great and doc is happy. My wife is not and takes issue with my weight and does so in a critical way. My doc indicted that I am not underweight but right in range for 5'10". My wife says that "look ill and everyone is asking me what's wrong with you". She also says that she is not attracted to me and that I need to "put on 15 or 20 pounds". I've been standing my ground, explaining why I don't want to go back to that place but that's not acceptable. She's set on making me to be selfish, inconsiderate and "only about myself" and this "is the way you are in our entire relationship. Only thinking of yourself" and "you cant just once do something for me". "You see what you're doing is selfish and hurting me, Right?" Now, I don't how much of her own weight issue is involved here but I'd love to get some other's thoughts or rationale on this. I have been GR and walking through life pretty well lately but this issue has gotten to me and I am allowing it way too much time in my head. 

[square]

There are so many sensitive topics but there is something extra sensitive about someone trying to control and put down your very body.

It sounds like she is trying to cope with her own issues by projecting them on to you. That's her stuff and not yours.

Your thread title asks how much to surrender. When someone demands we surrender, the surrendering never leads to more balance. More is demanded, ground is chipped away, and we are eventually left to wonder how we ever willingly got to a place where we are clinging to just a teeny remaining territory.

I think it's worth acknowledging that your body is yours and only yours, and you need not justify whether your choices are reasonable, doctor-approved, or similar. That said, I know when we are told loudly, over and over, messages that are cognitively dissonant, we check with others to try to ascertain what is grounded and reasonable. So, even though your doctor's approval is not necessary, nor the opinion of this random stranger on the Internet, yes, it sounds like you have made completely reasonable choices regarding your eating and lifestyle, and I would urge you to make this a line in the sand.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

When I was reading your post, I was reflecting how my ex-PD husband really sabotaged my health.  He knew I struggled with weight, but he'd buy me candy/junk food and tell me how he doesn't care how much I weigh.  He didn't - but really, he cared about controlling me.  If I was healthy, then I'd feel good in my own body.  He didn't want that.  He enjoyed seeing me struggle and not feel good about myself.  During times that I was able to be more fit, it was so difficult.  He sabotage our dinners and cook with so much butter that I wouldn't eat it - then it'd start a fight.   If I wanted to exercise, he would make fun of me or if I wanted him to go on a hike with me, he wouldn't.   I struggled with buying clothes and feeling good in them - and he made me feel so self conscious.  If I looked good, then a joke about who was it for?  If I looked "frumpy" then he'd almost be happy.  I didn't realize until I was living apart from him how much of my self care he was impacting - I'd stopped caring about my self, how I felt in my clothes, how I felt when I exercised, how I enjoyed cooking....I even stopped trying to use make up properly or buy new underwear or earrings!!! So ridiculous.

So, my advice.  Enjoy your health and don't let her sabotage it.  She doesn't want you to feel good about yourself.  If you did, then you'd project that to others and people would see it.  You'd be confident in your own space.  Then, people might pay attention to you and not her.  UGH.

Lately, because I'm reclaiming myself, people have noticed that I am taking care of my self more.  It's kinda funny - from my friends they'll ask if I got new clothes or jewelry - it's really all my old stuff, just put together better and with a much more confident person.

You got this 

[notrightinthehead]

I found that the relentless continued criticism wore me down. Even if he didn't say anything I still heard it in my head.  I never tried turning it around and wonder what I would have achieved- like when she says you look haggard, say 'thank you' and smile. Then top it with 'I am sorry you are unhappy about your weight.'

[lkdrymom]

When I was reading your post, I was reflecting how my ex-PD husband really sabotaged my health.  He knew I struggled with weight, but he'd buy me candy/junk food and tell me how he doesn't care how much I weigh.  He didn't - but really, he cared about controlling me.  If I was healthy, then I'd feel good in my own body.  He didn't want that.  He enjoyed seeing me struggle and not feel good about myself.  During times that I was able to be more fit, it was so difficult.  He sabotage our dinners and cook with so much butter that I wouldn't eat it - then it'd start a fight.   If I wanted to exercise, he would make fun of me or if I wanted him to go on a hike with me, he wouldn't.   I struggled with buying clothes and feeling good in them - and he made me feel so self conscious.  If I looked good, then a joke about who was it for?  If I looked "frumpy" then he'd almost be happy.  I didn't realize until I was living apart from him how much of my self care he was impacting - I'd stopped caring about my self, how I felt in my clothes, how I felt when I exercised, how I enjoyed cooking....I even stopped trying to use make up properly or buy new underwear or earrings!!! So ridiculous.

So, my advice.  Enjoy your health and don't let her sabotage it.  She doesn't want you to feel good about yourself.  If you did, then you'd project that to others and people would see it.  You'd be confident in your own space.  Then, people might pay attention to you and not her.  UGH.

Lately, because I'm reclaiming myself, people have noticed that I am taking care of my self more.  It's kinda funny - from my friends they'll ask if I got new clothes or jewelry - it's really all my old stuff, just put together better and with a much more confident person.

You got this 

This is it exactly.  She is mad you were able to accomplish something she couldn't.   She wants to sabotage your progress.  That does not come from a place of love.