Healthy Relationships

[vanillasea]

During my marriage- I couldn't entertain these thoughts without collapsing into depression or being tempted to leave - and I took my vows seriously.

Now that I have been abandoned (simply by the act of saying NO to caretaking) I'm able to reflect upon a few things as now I have hope.

It wasn't a marriage. It was a covert contract that I was not allowed to say NO. So in his mind - I quit and therefore I am useless.

I wasn't prepared for the sudden interest of others. My PD had convinced me I was unattractive and weighed down with baggage. When I did get hit on he made me feel ashamed like I wanted the attenion - so I did things to make myself as unattractive as possible. Ironically it is my 'baggage' (wonderful children) that make it easy for me to be approached. The men want to know why and how this has happened to me. People even not interested are astounded and ask what is wrong with the man that left you?! People are much kinder than I anticipated. Isolation did a number on me - because it had me living with only the ghost of my mom and dad I side my head - whilst the PD held the seance and crystal ball.

So - not that I'm ready to be 'available,' but the questions and the possibilities have me looking at why I selected the types of unhealthy relationships I did and wound up where I am today.

The first glimpse of the ability to hurt someone sent me packing.

Looks weren't priority to me- but priority shifted a few times.

Very young,  priority was how someone made me feel about myself.
I needed to prove my parents wrong, that I was loveable.

(This was because at home I was pulverized and toyed with by my mother who set up my father to do the dirty work).

When I found myself in a magical whirlwind with my best friend - mother realized her games were having no effect and she began a covert investigation into my life to figure out where my well of confidence was. Who was feeding me over behind her back? Starvation doesn't work if someone is sneaking her victim a snack.

Despite our attempts to keep everything a secret- she had found me out and shut my life down on the grounds of the boy being a different race. I was no longer allowed out of their sight. It was humiliating and the level of brainwashing, flying monkeys using the only other adults I could turn to thanks to a wicked smear campaign was disrupting. When nothing else worked they told me they would kill my boyfriend....and I believed them.

It scarred me deeply and I knew the boyfriend was hurt that for survival I chose staying home over moving out. I chose my parents over him.  And I hurt him.  I hurt myself. I was so angry at myself.

Next mission was someone to replace that emotional safety - but someone I couldn't hurt. So I found someone who would be long distance with a great family. I thoroughly enjoyed this relationships as he was gone and his healthy family loved on me like I've never been loved on. I considered his parents my parents. With issues of his own - he treated me like a princess - but he serial-cheated.

Eventually I couldn't stand what it was doing to me emotionally and so I quit. I waited until he cheated again and once he did I felt I could leave without hurting him.  But it did hurt him. He isn't PD - he has an addiction issue. We spent years back and forth about getting back together - but I couldn't go through with it knowing he had an addiction to other people. He begged me to reconsider when I met my PD. He tried to warn me I was in danger.

In between came in a perfect love-bombing narcissist. The textbook type. Gorgeous, told me everything I needed to hear- and then one day a short while in he abused me and blamed me and things only escalated from there. I made it out alive. Barely. I could have put him in prison according to police- but I didn't want to hurt him and with as much as he had to lose I instinctively knew Grey rock was my only hope. This was the only partner my parents ever approved of.

And in this season, my father wanted me to need HIM - so he withheld any and all support from me and I was living in poverty in university. Mother was in his ear 10 fold once I moved away. It was crushing. It always had been. But she was spinning a story that I was using people to pay for my college. In reality I worked several jobs and overloaded myself and took extra courses to graduate with multiple majors. She lied to everyone about my accomplishments. She wanted me to die from suicide and tried her best.

Frequently I was told how I had wounded my father and how I would wind up like my mother - a man-eater.

It was during this time I had healthy suiters and each one, one by one - I would sabotage the moment I saw any weakness in them. Good, normal men seemed terrifying to me. Each one had either been hurt by someone, or I could see I could be that one. And so each one I would friend-zone even though they could have given me a normal, healthy relationship for growth.

The idea of children terrified me - as they would look to me to protect them and never harm them.

So....as painful as this all is...I'm happy I am where I am today.

I adore my children. I may make mistakes but I won't harm them. Maybe I needed them to show me that. They're the one relationship I couldn't run from. 

So here I am - aware of what made me run from healthy and into the arms of abusers and users.

A Guilt Complex

And the abuser seemed so stoic. So full of himself I couldn't have any effect (so I thought).

He provided me an emotion-free zone - but the covert contract was the negative lense had to fall on me and my life alone. He set about showing me all of the issues  I had and what was unattractive and I went about changing it all. I needed someone to tell me what to do - and he wanted someone to tell what to do. But when I would ask - the constant reminder came that he wasn't telling me what to do.


But the scary thing (and sort of funny now) is how sensitive he really is. And everything I did felt like needles to his ego. I thought the deal was we grow together. It seems he was infuriated if I threatened to grow over a certain line. So long as I stayed within certain parameters and so long as my growth benefited him it was allowed

It was a prison cell.

Sort of like when you view an apartment online shot with a wide angle lense - it looks small but charming and with no furniture you can see the floors and think "Oh, it's not so bad..."

So you sign the contract and make arrangements.

Then moving day happens. And now you try fitting the furniture you had placed with your mind and chalk up any stress to having a major move and you'll eventually find furniture that can fix or double as something. Maybe now you'll have to eat on the couch and study on the bed. Maybe now you'll have to get used to doing things a bit unconventionally. Sure the stove is next to the laundry machine and the sink clogs....but that's anywhere, right? The neighbors scream at their kid through the non-insulated walls and mice run in the attic....

And maybe it would be worth it if this micro-apartment was in the middle of a beautiful or desirable place- but you start to realize you're paying coastal-view-prices to live between a dump and the hind end of a casthey..

He tried to trap me with children- but they wound up being what set me free. Maybe I couldn't do it for myself at the time - but they gave me purpose.

And they give me reason to vet every single person wanting into my NEW LIFE now - because who they have for a father is enough trauma.

I have to eat and work through this grief so I can be here for them.

And friends - healthy friends?

They won't be available 24/7. They might hurt my feelings. I might hurt theirs. But no covert contracts.

And eventually if/when I'm healed enough to move on...If I can be okay knowing I might hurt a man - yet also know I would be there to make it right - that's when I can have a healthy relationship.

Real people get hurt from time to time.

It is time to admit I held onto glass to prove I wouldn't do any harm. I never considered the harm I was doing to myself.


I can't fully finish this thought so I may add here.

I just don't know why the thought of an emotionally available partner scares the life out of me.

[Associate of Daniel]

Vanillasea, you've had quite a journey.  I admire you for the work you've put in to be in the place you are at currently.

My journey is not as dramatic, thankfully. And I've only ever had 2 men show an interest in me. The first was a schoolboy crush (on his part) and the 2nd was the uNPD I married. Today is the 10th anniversary of him leaving.

So my track record is, shall we say, non existent but disasterous.

I'm now 52.  My chances of meeting anyone are slim.  But even if someone healthy/normal did start to pay me some attention, I don't think I'd know what to do with it. I think I'd be a deer in the headlights before running in the opposite direction.

That said, I think I am now healthy/healed enough for a relationship. I just don't know the how, or  even if I want it.

I hope you find space to continue healing, but also to reach a point of contentment in singleness. I think that's a healthy goal for all of us.

AOD

[vanillasea]

AOD!

Congratulations on 10 years between you and the exit! Hopefully it's a day to celebrate!

I agree it is a healthy goal. Dramatic is the last thing I want/Ed....just couldn't break free until now. It's wild to have so much peace!

I think because my parents were so unhealthy a great importance and emphasis was put on marriage.

My dad tried preparing me for marriage since I have memory. I understand why he did it- but it made me laser focused on being a good wife. That is how he raised me. Not to be her. And she used me to confide in and crossed boundaries. I wanted to fix my dad by showing him I could make him proud. I failed.

The idea of being single feels like I've failed. But that is just a feeling.

Now that I've tasted this freedom to be me and not serve a man....I am not sure what it would take to convince me to have a relationship outside of friendship again.

[vanillasea]

Reading back over less distracted- I see you said he left.

Hopefully it IS a reason to celebrate still....I am sorry I misread that part of your response, AOD.

I still find friendships important and I hope you have some friends who keep you company time to time!