dismissed for no reason

[Jolie40]

maybe someone can give me insight?

I've been part of a women's group since Spring & we'd meet a couple times a month
the group leader moved the next mtg to her house (for the first time)
messaged her that I couldn't go to next meeting & she messaged back that the group wasn't for me & dropped me out of the facebook private group

baffled why she did that & emailed her to put me back on the FB private group
she won't

is she mad cause I can't come to her house?
this all seems so vindictive & I'm upset that she dropped me out of the group

[Jolie40]

wondering if she has a personality disorder
during one meeting, she said she had a very difficult childhood
she said her mom was a horrible mom

she was very controlling at all meetings....everything has to go her way & no deviance from her script

[SonofThunder]

Hi Jolie40,

You wrote "she was very controlling at all meetings....everything has to go her way & no deviance from her script".. In the previous post though, you wrote "I'm upset that she dropped me out of the group"

Is it fair to say you enjoy the rest of the ladies in the group, other than the controlling leader?  If it were me, it would be a blessing to have the controlling leader oust me from the group, vs me have to leave on my own because I'm the only brave soul willing to take action and depart because the leader is controlling.  Plus, since social media is the communication tool of choice for the ladies, the controller only ousted you from HER group, but not Facebook or groups, or the other ladies in the group.  I would bet money you're not alone in your thoughts about her controlling traits. 

No need to even start an official 'group' if you don't prefer and keep it unorganized therefore no 'leader' required. You could simply send open-ended PM'd invites to the individual ladies (from the current 'group') you enjoy and state you are going to a neutral place (not anyones home) on such a date/time and so they can meet you there (no worries if they can't/maybe next time) if they want.  The controller doesn't get the PM (her fault). If the controller shows up, then some other lady invited her and you have good reason to flush out the person who invited her and inform that person the truth about your previous 'ousting' from the 'group' and so therefore you don't desire to meet up with the controlling person. 

Hope you enjoy getting together with your friends!

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Jolie40,

Thank you for the clarification on the private group and other details.  Im sorry you were banned from the group and for the loss of communication with other members in a group you enjoyed.  If you were able to reach the leader privately, do you believe you would be willing to contact her and ask for specifics on why you were removed? 

SoT

[Jolie40]

If you were able to reach the leader privately, do you believe you would be willing to contact her and ask for specifics on why you were removed? 

so I sent a couple emails but she won't answer!

this is all very odd but husband said "let it go"
I will find another group

thanks for your replies

[Catothecat]

Another (probably obvious!) comment--of course she won't respond.  By doing so she acknowledges your right to an explanation and her obligation to provide one as she was the one making the decision.  She could see this as a loss of control and therefore power, so as long as she remains silent she maintains the upper hand and leaves you wondering.  She's probably enjoying that little power play so my inclination would also be to move on and find another group.  Who needs such nonsense?

[Srcyu]

It sounds like she badly needs control and for some reason she saw your inability to attend the next meeting at her house as a direct insult. I imagine the meeting when it happens will be quite unpleasant for all concerned. You can probably still approach the other members via a different route? I would seek to find out what they think about it all.

[Jolie40]

secretly, I've been hoping the leader was losing sleep over what she did & realize the errors of her ways
maybe it did happen?

today I received a long email with an apology in the first sentence
she said it was all a misunderstanding & she's letting me back in the private FB group!

[SonofThunder]

secretly, I've been hoping the leader was losing sleep over what she did & realize the errors of her ways
maybe it did happen?

today I received a long email with an apology in the first sentence
she said it was all a misunderstanding & she's letting me back in the private FB group!

Jolie40,

Just a gentle reminder that if this person is a potential PD, then the IDD cycle and 🔺drama triangle will probably be in her wheelhouse.  Therefore the 🔺persecution and/or IDD devaluation of you to begin with, is now followed up with 🔺rescuer mode in order to (IDD) hoover you back into the group so she can repeat the cycle. She may have privately 🔺played the victim to others in the group without your knowledge and that may reveal itself if you rejoin. 

Again this is a gentle reminder and may not exist at all with this person. 

SoT

[lkdrymom]

secretly, I've been hoping the leader was losing sleep over what she did & realize the errors of her ways
maybe it did happen?

today I received a long email with an apology in the first sentence
she said it was all a misunderstanding & she's letting me back in the private FB group!

I hope you asked for clarification of exactly what the misunderstanding was.

[pianissimo]

Hi Jolie40, I think her letting you in without a proper apology that acknowledges how wrong it is for her to remove someone from the chat group is the continuation of the bad behavour. She used a last resort option. A normal person would assure you it would never happen again to make you feel safe, and they would do it with actions, like with a group talk to acknowledge her overreaction, or by sharing the administaive rights of the chat group, or by offering rotation. Misunderstanding or not, what she did seems to be over the top.

[Jolie40]

leader of group did send me a link to get back in private FB group but it didn't work
I emailed to let her know
she replied that that once someone is out of a FB private group, they can't get back in

in that email she apologized again but also said she's not letting me back in group (in person)
why the "fake" apology?

guess I'll never know why leader dropped me cause she gave no reason & won't give a reason!
I composed a reply but decided to let it go cause don't think she'll answer

in the meantime, I have found 2 other groups to join

thanks to everyone who took time to reply!

[SonofThunder]

Jolie40,

Im so sorry you experienced the rejection twice.  But, so glad you have found other groups to join.  If this person is a PD, your choice of no reply was a 'no JADE' and the PD did not receive the feed from you that she did the first time around, so good job on denying her the confirming pleasure of her control.  Enjoy your new group(s) 😊

SoT

[Srcyu]

She is lying to you.
You can get back in to a secret/private group on Facebook. I've done it before.
She sounds totally mixed up and you are better off without her.
I hope your new groups work out really well.

[Jolie40]

She is lying to you.
You can get back in to a secret/private group on Facebook. I've done it before.

well, it figures she lied to me

she also blocked me from seeing her FB pages
however, since there are 2 adults in my family, I can still see her posts with our other acct
little does she know, lol

[Jolie40]

there is another group starting at the church in Jan
the same person who kicked me out of other group is going to be there as she is promoting this new group

since it's a different type group, my guess is different people will be there

thinking of attending
do you think the "meanie" will give me grief if I attend this new group?
I could make sure that I sit away from her

I so want to go to show her she "can't control me"
and that I'm free to attend other church groups
plus I am interested in this new group