Flare up

[bat123]

     I'm in that terrible place that I've been in a million times before.  My uNPD spouse (or maybe uPPD) is having a flare up, and I want to leave.  This time, he's on a weird rant, out of the blue, accusing me of lying about an old high school friend.  Suddenly thinks I had a physical relationship with this guy back in the day, and is now demanding that I de-friend him on Facebook. 
     My husband and I are in our 50s.  This is weird and was completely unprovoked.  The guy in question lives halfway across the country and I have no relationship with him beyond occasional Facebook interactions.
       Husband is out of town and has sent me 30 texts in two hours ranting and raving at me, telling me that I'm a pathological liar, and that my "deep-rooted" problems are making our marriage impossible.  He's demanding that I de-friend this person and apologize for covering up the high school relationship.  I've tried not to take the bait, just reacted with calm corrections ("what you are saying is inaccurate").
     If I know my husband, this will last a few days, then then he will act normal and move on.  By the time I mobilize myself to make moves to leave, he will sucker me back in with lovebombing and suggestions of family outings.  How do I break the cycle???  I'm in therapy, working on it.  It's overwhelming.  Just needed to share with others who understand.   

[square]

Yup, we understand. I feel that uPPD best describes my husband, and while thankfully jealousy is not generally a preoccupation of his, there were two really weird jealousy-related "flare-ups" that I can remember a few years back. Interestingly, one was during a business trip I was taking out of town - not unlike your situation though he is the one out of town.

Another interesting point is the very idea of a flare-up. I had a eureka moment at the beginning of this year that his flare-ups often coincide with illnesses that involve fever, possibly other more minor illnesses, and times of stress including especially poor sleep (his sleep is a nightmare on the best days but even so there are worse times). Also certain substances are a trigger, thankfully he avoids them but when a neighbor once shared a joint with him once years back it triggered what I now understand to be a paranoid psychotic break.

There is nothing you can really do about it except the usual MC/GR and noJADE. If you have reason to believe his use of a substance may be involved you could consider asking him to stop, as gently or as firmly (including booting his ass out the door) as you deem best.

[bat123]

Thank you, square, it does help to know I'm not alone.  I've begun over the last few years to view his behavior in terms of "flare ups," and it's a helpful way for me to think of it.  Because in between he can be quite normal, and often even enjoyable to be around.  But especially during times of stress, he lashes out seemingly out of nowhere.  And don't get me started on his sleeping habits.  He's a complete workaholic, and never gets adequate sleep.  Burns the candle at both ends and loves to talk about how little sleep he gets.  No substance use, that's never been an issue.  I just struggle with whether I should continue to "manage" this marriage, or whether I should do the most logical thing which would be to leave and create a healthier life for myself.  I'm getting too old to live with this craziness.  "Booting him out the door" will never happen.  He'll leave this house over his dead body.  I'd have to be the one to leave.

[square]

Yeah, I hear ya.

Also can relate to the normal periods. Well, he's never normal anymore in some ways but his personality is now usually fine. If he is very stressed, he will lash out, but he has made a conscious effort to get things under control.

Just curious, can you remind me of his NPD traits?

[bat123]

He's driven, high achieving, and a perfectionist.  He can be critical and controlling, and can be verbally and psychologically abusive, especially under stress.  He has invaded my privacy multiple times and frequently accuses me of lying.  He monitors my whereabouts and checks in frequently when we're apart.  But on the flip side, can be very affectionate and fun to be around.  And he's a very responsible breadwinner and father.  What about yours?

[square]

Mine doesn't seem to have NPD traits. PPD traits I see: He is suspicious of people's motives. Has a fixation on being "exploited." Sometimes seems to see faces as distorted (neutral faces are demonically leering at him). Fear of abandonment. Holds grudges. Is a hermit, has ended all relationships other than me and DD. General PD tactics in arguments (blameshifting, DARVO, circular arguments, tries to hurt by saying the "worst things ever").

But whatever is going on is not as simple as a PD (psychosis and maybe other stuff). But for me it's the PD type stuff that hurts so that's why I'm here.

Does your husband need "feed" - admiration or pity?

Do you feel like you know an authentic person or just a persona?

[bat123]

My husband definitely thrives on admiration.  He enjoys being doted on.  He's very "chivalrous" in return.  He's all about appearances and protocol.  He can be incredibly mean, and viciously attack my character (he also likes to say the worst things ever in arguments), but he will always still consistently thank me for cooking dinner, open the car door for me, and get me flowers on every birthday, Valentine's Day, etc.  He loves to tell us how he was raised so well, with good manners.  He sees himself as a standup guy.  He acts very confident, yet he's hypersensitive to criticism or perceived disrespect.  He's too image conscious to lash out much toward coworkers or friends, but he never holds back toward me.  I think he's a classic grandiose narcissist (yours maybe vulnerable?). I've been married to him for over 25 years, so I certainly know his habits and preferences, etc.  We have shared interests and enjoy certain activities together.  But he is rarely truly vulnerable with me.  There's not a lot of depth to our relationship, if I'm being honest. 

[Gwendolyn]

Hello Bat123

I can also identify with out of the blue rants and 'score keeping' about alleged slights and hurts I have delivered over the years. 

For me the flare-ups would seem to be random but I am starting to believe they are occurring more when I am happy and/or have been spending time with friends or have been doing self-care like massage therapy or sports.

It has been described to me as anxious attachment in my case.  As he sees me getting healthier and building my support network he tries to pull the focus back on him by forcing me to defend myself against a ridiculous claim or some minor historical slight he has in his back pocket. 
Last night he tried one of these 'remember when you hurt me stunts after I'd been on a day away with high-school friends.  I recognize what it is now.
I just said "it's important you cling to these slights and never forget them and bring them up often." ((Calm sarcasm)) and he was speechless.

I didn't argue the stoopid premise of the complaint and I didn't give him much fuel either.  I went to an online meeting later last night for adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families and, for me, I was able to feel some relief in recognizing old tactics that trigger me into emotional caretaking...and I decide how to proceed.
Probably my marriage is winding down. I can't feel close to someone so petty and difficult. Also, I definitely need to keep my strengths and courage and future focus honed and appreciate myself and my use of the tools under pressure. 
Will be thinking of you and sending encouragement.

[square]

My husband definitely thrives on admiration.  He enjoys being doted on.  He's very "chivalrous" in return.  He's all about appearances and protocol.  He can be incredibly mean, and viciously attack my character (he also likes to say the worst things ever in arguments), but he will always still consistently thank me for cooking dinner, open the car door for me, and get me flowers on every birthday, Valentine's Day, etc.  He loves to tell us how he was raised so well, with good manners.  He sees himself as a standup guy.  He acts very confident, yet he's hypersensitive to criticism or perceived disrespect.  He's too image conscious to lash out much toward coworkers or friends, but he never holds back toward me.  I think he's a classic grandiose narcissist (yours maybe vulnerable?). I've been married to him for over 25 years, so I certainly know his habits and preferences, etc.  We have shared interests and enjoy certain activities together.  But he is rarely truly vulnerable with me.  There's not a lot of depth to our relationship, if I'm being honest.

Yeah that sounds potentially NPD with paranoid traits.

Does he rewrite reality?

[bat123]

I'll have to find that particular video by Dr. Ramani, user!  Yes, indeed, I do a lot of rationalizing.  So much rationalizing.