Recordings of past abuse

escapingman · September 30, 2022, 06:23:34 AM

Going through the custody battle right now with social worker writing a report to give her opinion of custody arrangements. Currently one daughter lives with her and is heavily manipulated using parental alienation. STBX is doing all the right things at the moment and pretends to be all good and remorseful towards the social worker. Social worker is telling me that both STBX and MIL is trying to encourage my daughter to see me, this is of course BS but she believes them. I filed some recordings of the abuse which she also has listened to, but she now thinks that is in the past and all will be fine going forward, or at least that is what she makes me believe.

Now to my thoughts I am battling with in my head, how do I try to put her in the right direction to see the truth? Simple answer I can't as I can't force her to believe me, but more advanced answer is I probably can as I have recordings of how she manipulated and turned the kids against me during the last year. However, I am not sure I am mentally able to go back an listen to them again to get a selection to to present to her and the court. I am not even sure exactly how to use the recordings, but that is another discussion with my solicitor. Anyone have any suggestions on how to listen to this again without traumatising myself again, or shall I just leave be?

SonofThunder · September 30, 2022, 10:23:07 AM

EM,

Im slightly confused. If the social worker thinks the past is the past and that things will be fine in the future, what is bringing up more abuse proof from the past going to do for you? I do not replay my past unless it has a huge benefit for me in the present or future, because it triggers anxieties.

Imo, its going to be future evidence that will be meaningful to the future, and that may take some calmer acceptance of custody arrangements to use time for your advantage, since PD's cant hold it together for that long unless 'holding it together' generates a supply-reward.

If you believe that your stbx is strategically being calm, yet emotionally manipulating GC as a way to punish you by turning GC against you in some way; is there a possibility that manipulation of GC would reduce by you adopting a new strategy in the truth-war and being even calmer than stbx, accepting suggested joint custody arrangements for the current time? Would an attitude of super-calm 'indifference' actually irritate your stbx to know her manipulative methods are just bouncing off? Therefore she may start to not 'hold it together' which then could becomes the future evidence for EM (and for the courts/social-worker) to strategically utilize in the long run, since you now know how the government is working in these situations?

I can surely tell you that indifference was a wonderful and needed tool for me, and my stbx could not handle her discard arrows bouncing off my thick indifference.

SoT

losingmyself · September 30, 2022, 10:52:46 AM

Maybe you could get the SW to understand if you somehow get her to tell your ex "No", or disagree with her and MIL on a thing. I bet neither of them would take kindly to hearing no.
Just spitballing.

escapingman · September 30, 2022, 11:09:17 AM

SoT, the recordings presented so far has been when actual abuse has been done directly towards me and the girls by STBX. The ones I would find and dig out is when she manipulated the girls and actively encourage them to go against me. The SW does not believe any parental alienation is going on or has gone on, but I have hopefully have recordings where she drags me and my entire family through the mud to turn GC against everyone. I have not let her hear any recordings where GC is acting as a flying monkey abusing me on behalf of STBX. If I can make her see that it was real she might understand it is unlikely it has ended now. I just can't risk having any sole unsupervised time between DD and STBX, MIL and GC. DD is frightened through her skin about it and I think they would rip her apart.

losingmyself, this is my current strategi. At the moment she has no control over either me or DD and I am not sure how long it will take before she do something to expose her, but I need it to happen sooner than later. I am very calm in every interaction with everyone, but I am also trying to push without pushing to much.

STBX has now been crying to school that she is desperate to see DD which school has told DD. But the thing is, DD has asked for an apology and if she apologise to DD she can see her. This is what DD has said and STBX knows it, but for some reason* she refuse to appologise but still wants DD to see her.

*The clue is that she is uNPD and can't offer an apology but instead wants to punish DD for having betrayed her.

square · September 30, 2022, 02:55:24 PM

Calm as cow s___ on the lawn!

escapingman · October 01, 2022, 03:36:50 PM

Thanks for all your advice.

I just need to keep calm. So calm. But it's difficult.

escapingman · October 02, 2022, 06:48:55 AM

I think her supply is running low and she is now trying to up the game, this is what I waited for and I hope she falls flat on her face. DD told me that the head teacher had spoken to her about her mum desperately wanting to see her, STBX had apparently cried about how desperate she was. I can imagine the scene and if she doesn't get her way she will start putting pressure on school and the SW. She has a route to see DD, I don't have one to see GC. But she is the one crying and begging, but to apologise to DD which is her route doesn't seem to happen.

escapingman · October 03, 2022, 11:54:21 AM

This is actually becoming laughable now, GC has now told the social worker that she is angry with me because I haven't replied to an email from STBX. How biased can someone be? The alienation against me is there in black and white and it has even been admitted. One could wonder what was served with the revelation to GC that I didn't take the bait and replied to her desperate attempt to get supply.

escapingman · October 03, 2022, 03:03:37 PM

The ups and downs are killing me, I felt really good today, then I saw GC and she ignored me and I felt hearth broken after that. Then I found out the other things going on and realised I have 2 options, I either fight through my skin for my kids, or I let go and maybe never have a relationship with them. I decided I will fight. But it is hard when the system is siding with the PD, so hard. I was really starting to look positive at things, then the gut wrencher came. I really need to keep my anger at bay, I am not sure how people can be that nasty and other people so blinded.

SonofThunder · October 03, 2022, 06:05:46 PM

Quote from: escapingman on October 03, 2022, 03:03:37 PM...or I let go and maybe never have a relationship with them. ....But it is hard when the system is siding with the PD, so hard.

EM, imo being calmer than the PD is not "letting go", but rather a different strategy in the truth war to let the PD show the truth themselves vs us try to point it out to the 'system'. Being calmer and more agreeable than you ever have (as a strategy), may actually create a period of calm for GC, because your stbx is currently using her as a tool to make you fight. PD's LOVE the fight!!

So, since you learned that the 'fighting' strategy isnt getting you anywhere in the system, then maybe its time for a more stealthy plan. Is it possible that a calm indifference strategy by you is a real way to improve the life of GC at the moment? My stbx hates my calm indifference and I refuse to get worked up, so since she isn't able to get me to 'fight' shes diving much deeper into victimhood with everyone else, and I can surely tell you that gets old real quick with others who were sympathetic at first. When that happens, the rivets start popping out of the facade of the PD and the truth starts to happen on its own.

PD's cant keep their act together for long unless they have supply, and your 'fight' may be her supply. The system needs to witness her not keeping her act together, while you calmly do whats best for the kids, which may be to take a new strategy of calm indifference, yet hope for the kids.

SoT

Poison Ivy · October 03, 2022, 06:37:49 PM

escapingman · October 04, 2022, 01:38:44 AM

SoT and Poison, I am calm, I am not in fight or flight mode. I am doing everything right and I can see it working, however the social worker is totally blind sided and is not getting it..... AT ALL. She is blaming me for lots as she has completely believed all the lies, she is going ahead with things neither I or DD has agreed. She is outright dangerous in her work and she is going to recommend to the court where the girls should live. In her last report there were factual errors based on her lack of understanding which set the tone for the entire hearing, I was never able to correct those errors in favour of STBX which her solicitor kept highlighting to make me look bad. I am going to see what options I have, because if I don't take action I will very likely have a report filed with the judge that recommends the girls live with STBX.

escapingman · October 04, 2022, 01:41:43 PM

I am walking on clouds, I got a message from GC. I left a few items for her to collect and she texted me "Thank you". I have tears in my eyes.

escapingman · October 04, 2022, 04:32:22 PM

Looked closer on the message and found out she did the same to someone else, adding 1 and 1 and realise it was sent by STBX. It's getting frightening how STBX is directing GC on how to deal with people. She really can't think for herself and it makes me so sad.

hhaw · October 14, 2022, 10:53:57 AM

EM:

I know you have a healthcare system in place you've been following and working within, but I'm moved to comment here.

Your mental health and ability to be responsive during this traumatic time would seem to be at the tippy top of priorities, IME.

If you can still get DD into Therapy.....without the stbx sabotaging it...... I'd consider it and again.....
tippy top tippy list of priorities, bc it would:

1. Help you remain level and get back to level after you're triggered.

2. Create more spaciousness around the triggers. My T explained it this way......I'm paraphrasing, of course.

"it's like your nose is on a pebble, when you're triggered. Whatever the problem is, it's the pebble. If you find a way to draw up, create spaciousness around the pebble, you can see it's one of many pebbles, see the grass and the trees, shrubs, bodies of water and sky."

You can learn to get over the upset more quickly or skip being triggered, which is a blessing and creates the ability to be responsive.....
to have more choice.

When you're living in your limbic system..... when you're survial brain is in charge, you're cut off from your frontal cortex, where reason, logic and creating problem solving live. Those are EVERYTHING when you're in the court system with a stbx willing to leverage your children's safety to "win."

The only way I know to GET that kind of help is to hire a very competent Trauma Informed Therapist with a very full toolbox of therapies to expose clients to so clients can choose what works best for them and begin applying them.

Learning new things is another layer of stress, I realize, but learning HOW to deal with triggers and how to process past and current trauma heals one's brain and Nervous System.... retrains them to rise above and overcome and remain steady, eventually, so the suffering shrinks and becomes smaller and manageable.

T is expensive, but it's an investment in yourself, your healing, your ability to break the family trauma patterns and help your children escape them.

Even if you can't access mental healthcare through your healthcare system..... I'd consider finding it and paying for it out of pocket as a priority.

If you can do face to face sessions, that would be good, but it's not a deal breaker if you do it over zoom, etc, IME.

Making eye contact is important, IME...... EMDR, Memory Reconsolidtion (ART) therapy, Advanced Integrative Therapy (AIT) and learning whatever works for you to calm your Nervouse System(NS)/engage your Parasympathetic Nervous System (PNS) through breathing or walking or midnfullness practice of choice.... there are SO MANY and you can find them on the internet yourself, read books, but I see your situatin as triage.....
your mental health care, finding the support of a good Trauma Informed T to hold your hand and steady you back up..... keep you on track....... remind you of lessons you've learned so it sinks more deeply into your system every time
HELPS, IME.

You're going through this in a very tough way...... and I don't know you have to do it that way.

You have chioce and agency and I think you have the resources right now. Maybe don't wait till things are worse and the money has been spent going round and round in the Courts.

Investing in your mental health will likely help bring the legals to an end more quickly and with the best possible outcome, IME.

Most everyone on this board went through their divorce without a good Trauma Informed Therapist guiding and helping them cope through it.

You don't have to. You have agency and choice, even if it doesn't feel that way. You do.

If nothing else, think of what you're modeling for DD if you get both of you into therapy with competent TITs...... what an amazing lesson that will be at her age.