Very surprised about my reaction to my ex's new supply

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

I was intellectually prepared, but not emotionally.

A few days after our divorce was finalized, my ex-PD husband began to attend events (son's baseball game) with his new supply.  She was my "friend" and part of a married couple that used to come to our house for dinner.  They had an affair and our marriage ended a few years later.  So yeah, that stings a little.   Honestly, when I first saw them, I was so sad that she was sitting there with my dog, holding his leash.  I loved that dog - we'd go on hikes and walks.  Yeah, I lost my dog  in the divorce, but I got my cat.

So, with this new relationship, he turned up the volume on his manipulation.  Weeks at a time, he wouldn't see our son -he's 18.  Now, he's playing new family and they are doing lots of things with the new supply and her teenage daughter.   He bought himself a motorcycle and then one for my son.  And yes, WITH MY MONEY FROM THE DIVORCE SETTLEMENT.  It makes me so frustrated.  My son thinks he's just amazing now.  I get it - yes, my son knows I'm stable, he can count on me, etc....  But, my son also sees me as demanding and critical.  I am the one on him about his grades (he's a senior in highschool), college stuff, getting a job, cleaning his disgusting room, showering (teenagers can be so gross), and all the rest.   At times, my son can be cruel and lack empathy.  I work with teenagers for a living so I know this is typical, but......my son maybe a little more.  It scares me at times thinking he'll be like his dad, but I also know this is just stemming from my own issues.

I'm trying to keep it all in perspective, but my emotions are really getting to me.  The divorce was finalized on 8/30/2022 and I do believe that I was thinking I'd be magically free from it all.  I am free but there are issues that will be there - because of my son.  If I felt a little respect or compassion from son, I would feel better.  I also know it's unreasonable to expect this of him now.  I just can't help it.....

I'm thankful for the new supply - she was why he was willing to sell the house and move forward with the divorce.  I found out she asked for a divorce around the time he agreed to list our house for sale.  I think he's trying to keep his facade going for awhile- my guess so that he can move in with her, cement the relationship, then the love bombing will end and it'll get ugly.  I doubt he's working, but he has MY MONEY to look good.  He bought a new truck, the motorcycles, and he'll have money for about 6 months to keep this going.  The BAM all over.  I feel a little bad for her knowing what's going to happen to her - maybe in weeks? months? years?  But it will.    I am also so incredibly thankful that's not me and that he is no longer in my life.

The hurt comes because of my son - I'm angry at him for being in the fog (not fair), I'm angry at him for being an ass to me (not fair), I'm angry at him for interacting with this new fake family (not fair), I'm angry at him for never standing up for me (incredibly not fair).

Bottom line, I'm angry at myself for having all these negative feelings towards my son - I know they are wrong but I can't let it go.  Right now, I'm just trying to refocus on my own self care and writing here this morning.

Any comments or advice will be greatly appreciated - I really need support to get myself in a better place.

[Srcyu]

Dis-placed anger and resentment.  You have so much going on and none of it is your son's fault, you know that and yet.....
The fault lies firmly with your ex and his new supply, she betrayed you too. Sitting there with your dog. They have behaved like school kids choosing a new best friend. I don't think she deserves any grateful thoughts about taking the ex on.

Your son at 18 years old is not mature enough to realise how his behaviour impacts on you. He's actually just a big kid who society has declared is now a adult based purely on a number.

Is it because you are left with the role of being parent while the ex just changed direction straight out of  any meaningful role of being a father.
There's so much going on. It's early days. And you, are an excellent thoughtful and caring person.

[Associate of Daniel]

Plant Flowers, I want to bump this post up so that others may see it and respond.

I very much feel for you as I've been/am in a similar situation myself.

I'll write more once I've finished work for the day. But in the meantime.. what you're feeling and thinking is completely valid and normal.  Try to go easy on yourself.  I'd be surprised if you weren't feeling all that you described.

I feel angry and upset with you. Your post brought up several memories from my own experience. So, know that you're not alone.

AOD

[notrightinthehead]

I am so sorry! Really. I have also been there and it is not a good place to be. Please keep on reaching out. You need support right now. You need all the support you can get. You need friends or even only acquaintances that you can have coffee with and not talk about your ex. Ideally they don't even know or care about him,  they share an interest with you and you can feel normal with them for a few hours.  You like walking, so maybe you find people you can walk with. Do you have any women friends? You could join one or several 12 step  groups, I found a lot of support there. Your son will be leaving soon, so you can prepare for single life now. Getting to know yourself as a single person. Finding out what interests you and what gets you going, gives you energy and joy.
You can try this method
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lgNcleF-sDk
for your anger.

Please let this be a wonderful time in your life, where you re-discover yourself and get to know the wonderful person you are without the stress and control of a PD person in your life.

[SonofThunder]

I am so sorry! Really. I have also been there and it is not a good place to be. Please keep on reaching out. You need support right now. You need all the support you can get. You need friends or even only acquaintances that you can have coffee with and not talk about your ex. Ideally they don't even know or care about him,  they share an interest with you and you can feel normal with them for a few hours.  You like walking, so maybe you find people you can walk with. Do you have any women friends? You could join one or several 12 step  groups, I found a lot of support there. Your son will be leaving soon, so you can prepare for single life now. Getting to know yourself as a single person. Finding out what interests you and what gets you going, gives you energy and joy.
You can try this method
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lgNcleF-sDk
for your anger.

Please let this be a wonderful time in your life, where you re-discover yourself and get to know the wonderful person you are without the stress and control of a PD person in your life.

Sorry you are experiencing these things and I like NRITH's outlook. Not only for you, but for my future self.

SoT

[SonofThunder]

Plant Flowers, I want to bump this post up so that others may see it and respond.

I very much feel for you as I've been/am in a similar situation myself.

I'll write more once I've finished work for the day. But in the meantime.. what you're feeling and thinking is completely valid and normal.  Try to go easy on yourself.  I'd be surprised if you weren't feeling all that you described.

I feel angry and upset with you. Your post brought up several memories from my own experience. So, know that you're not alone.

AOD

I love this supportive post from AOD and desire to 'bump up this post' in support from others.  😊

SoT

[oak_tree]

PFNW, first off, congratulations on the divorce!! That is an amazing step, and true, it didn't solve all your problems, but gosh...even the administrative burden alone must be a weight lifted off your shoulders.

I hear your pain with regard to your ex spending your money. This may be a long shot, but can you take satisfaction in the fact that it's your money that's going to eventually cause the fall that you know is coming?

Re your son, I often get frustrated at how my SO's kids treat him (SO's ex is uNPD and does her best to alienate the kids in their late teens). There's nothing blatant, just sometimes lack of communication, lack of time spent together, or lack of interest in SO's perspective. Interestingly, it barely bothers SO. It bothers him that he doesn't see his kids as much as he'd want, for their sake and for his, but he knows what they're up against. He knows that the kids just want to see both their parents happy, and going against their mother makes her unhappy, so they fall in line. He himself was the SG target for 20 years before leaving, so he doesn't blame them in the least for enabling her, just like he'd done for so long. I try to see it that way too, but it's hard.

Re "playing family", while your ex might see it that way, I doubt your son does. Your ex's new supply is just a random person who your son knew before, and probably has no issue with, so he's just going along with things to keep everything going smoothly. And to keep getting gifts from  his dad. But that will end. And on that note, your ex has to be on his best behavior in front of his new supply and especially when they're with her daughter. His mask will slip. 

I hope your son starts taking a bit more responsibility for his own grades (and hygiene!)     

Be well.
OT

[Associate of Daniel]

Re:  the money.  I get it.

I had to borrow  nearly $100,000 from my parents to pay my uNPD exH.  Nearly 10 years later I still feel sick at the memory. And he's still earning 6 figures and living with his uNPD wife, the woman he left me for, who earns probably about the same as him.

Try to think of the money as a bill you had to pay, just like any other.  And remember the freedom it brought to you.  (I'm preaching to myself here.)

Re:  your dog.  I get it.

Except in my case it was my 6 year old son, sitting on his uNPD smother's lap and ignoring me or pushing me away (even while his uNPD father and I were still married). At every swimming lesson. Every medical appointment. Every sports activity. Every school activity.

Thankfully at almost 16 he's now grown out of that.

Re: NRITH's post:  I totally agree.

There is something about realising you have a talent or ability that your ex and his partner don't have.  And even without your ex and his wife, just doing the thing you're good at, with like minded people, is very cathartic and boosts confidence.

What sort of things did you used to do before you got together with your ex?  Could you return to some of them?  For me it was playing music.  Strangely, I have 2 performances coming up at the end of the month.  They just kind of landed in my lap and I am loving getting back into learning repertoire and working with like minded people.

PFNW, (Love your name, btw!), I so feel for you.  Since your son is now 18, you won't have to see his father and his supply for much longer and you can get on with your life.  There will be occasions to see them of course, but by then you'll have processed more grief and gathered more tools for dealing with them.

Keep posting here.  There are many of us who are travelling the same road that you are.  All the very best.

AOD

[SonofThunder]

PlantFlowers,

I keep returning to this post repetitively, trying to put myself in your shoes.  Statistically, as a male with a uPDstbxw, i would be surprised if my future divorce reveals a long-standing male companion.  But then, ive been surprised before;  covertly surprised at some of the manipulative maneuvers that I missed in my FOGgy years.

Again so very sorry you are experiencing the issues with your son and can surely understand how he's enamored at the temporary gifts.  But i have confidence that the gifts he has received that wont fade, are the love, time, energy, concern and care you have given him over the years.  I say that because im one of those sons. 

I was raised by a uNPDfather who was fortunate in business and gave us kids big gifts, and took us on lavish trips, but emotionally, verbally and financially abuses my mother. She is still fully in the FOG and defends him staunchly.  He also emotionally, verbally and on some high-testosterone driven occasions, lashed out physically at us kids.  But he always came back around with gifts, trips and fun experiences. 

But it was the lasting impressions of my mother's dedication that never waned with me. Now Out of the FOG, I can fully understand his motives and also fully understand my mother's struggle to try and keep her own head above water while raising us kids.  Nothing i can do about her caretaking as she emotionally shuts down if I try to discuss my uNPDfathers traits, but my mother is a hero, both to me, my sibling and many others as well. 

Thoughts and prayers for you going forward and congrats on finalizing the divorce.

SoT

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Thank you for all the replies.  SoT, I always appreciate your words.

just doing the thing you're good at, with like minded people, is very cathartic and boosts confidence.
I am trying to focus on myself - I feel like after 20 years of that marriage, even the good times, I lost myself.   I've returned to playing golf - I love it and have met some nice friends along the way.  We all know - having your own friends in the fog is almost impossible, or it comes at such a huge price, so you let them go.   I really like re-connecting with the human race!!!!!  And, my relationship with my brother has improved drastically.

With the money, I just want to tell my son - yeah, I bought that truck he has....or that Harley Davidson - yeah, I bought that too.  UGH.  I do try to reframe my thoughts and I like the suggestions.  The money was worth my freedom and my money is boosting him way up, but then the fall will be much harder 

I'm trying to be more compassionate in my mind/thoughts about my son.  That's helping somewhat.

The struggle is real, but I would take this struggle a million times over  trying to breath deep in the fog.

[Hattie]

My NEx ditched me and moved straight in with the woman he cheated on me with. As in, straight from my house to hers! 

The shame of it was horrendous.

A year later she contacted me to tell me he was being abusive, and he contacted me to ask if he could move back in

Four years later they've split up after a ton of drama and he is in a state. I meanwhile am thriving and look about 10 years younger!

So i understand how painful all this is but I agree that the new supply can be a blessing in disguise as they get the narc out of your hair. Good luck building your fabulous new life. In a year or so, everything will look much different, you mark my words

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

Hattie - what a story - wow. 

The farther away I get from the relationship the more I can see how I was trauma bonded to him - it's so habitual and subconscious.  Earlier, I was going through the last few financial items that tie us together and I thought "oh, how is he going to pay for the insurance on the cabin?  I hope he doesn't forget"  WHATTT??? Why did I care even for a second.  At least I recognize it now.

Thanx for sharing your story - I'm looking younger too 

[Stillirise]

PlantFlowers,
I wanted to offer my support to this post, and share a little to possibly help you take the sting out of some of it. My kids are a bit younger, early teens.  However, being nearly two years in, the new has worn off the dirt bikes, the horses, etc.  Even at their relatively young and impressionable age, they see it for what it is, and now dread their mandated EOW with him. I try to help them make the best of it.

Funny about the insurance...DS13 mentioned recently that his dad had forgotten to renew his drivers license, and it had expired. I took care of most things like that, but couldn't get his photo on there for him.  It was one of the few things he had to do himself.  I remember it lapsed once for more than a year. I overheard DS ask him this week, if he'd remembered to get it renewed yet. No. Proof things in PD land never change.

The aging in reverse...it's real! We are literally reclaiming lost years of our lives here. 

[lkdrymom]

I can relate to all of this even though my divorce was over 20 years ago.  My ex left for one of the women he cheated on me with.  I have no ill will towards her as I am she he fed her a lot of BS and she didn't know better. In fact I wanted to warn her.  The kids were little at the time.  It was a knife through my heart every time they got excited to see him.  Your son is dazzled by all the goodies your ex is dangling in front of him.  Wait until the money runs out. Does your son know why you divorced?  My ex did not last long with the woman he left me for.  The kids saw him go through a string of women which he'd cut loose as soon as they looked like they wanted to get serious.  It wasn't until he got old that he found an older woman that he seems to be sticking it out with.  I remarried two years after the divorce which I think shocked him.  I think he was counting on me staying single and being available to him once he got all this out of his system.  I kept my mouth shut as much as I could and let the kids figure out what he really was on their own. Took them until they were in their late teens.  He couldn't be bothered to show up to his son's HS graduation.  By 2018 he was not invited to his daughter's college graduation or son's wedding. By the end of the year, they went NC. And to this day I am positive he thinks he did nothing wrong and I must have turned them against him.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

The past four days, my son and I played golf each day.  It's nice we have an activity to share and be outside.  I love it.

Yesterday, we were chatting and he mentioned that his dad said that I was going to get him new golf clubs for his birthday.  I never said that - I think my ex set me up to look like the "bad parent" and not come through.  And then my son actually said "my dad takes care of me".  It was all I could do to not start screaming.  My son is deep in the fog.  His dad barely saw him over the summer and then, only when he was playing baseball.  His father is a great cook - hasn't cooked a home meal for my son since the spring? I provide his clothes, car insurance, helped him get a job for the summer, help with college, buy food, on and on and on.  His dad couldn't even be bothered to clean up a bedroom for my son to stay with him.

But, his dad takes care of him.   These narcissists can be pretty powerful.

[SonofThunder]

The past four days, my son and I played golf each day.  It's nice we have an activity to share and be outside.  I love it.

Yesterday, we were chatting and he mentioned that his dad said that I was going to get him new golf clubs for his birthday.  I never said that - I think my ex set me up to look like the "bad parent" and not come through.  And then my son actually said "my dad takes care of me".  It was all I could do to not start screaming.  My son is deep in the fog.  His dad barely saw him over the summer and then, only when he was playing baseball.  His father is a great cook - hasn't cooked a home meal for my son since the spring? I provide his clothes, car insurance, helped him get a job for the summer, help with college, buy food, on and on and on.  His dad couldn't even be bothered to clean up a bedroom for my son to stay with him.

But, his dad takes care of him.   These narcissists can be pretty powerful.

PlantFlowers, im sorry this is occurring and I agree with you. As you already know, your son is sadly being gaslighted and at the same time, you are triangulated by his father through the son by setting you up in these situations.  Both of these, as you know, are emotional abuse by his father.

Since your son is 18 and in that stage of life where adult children are practicing living on their own and steadily adulting themselves, is there a way you can use this crucial time in your son's life for him to gain a real appreciation for the 'cost of living', by your son becoming more financially self-sufficient (food, clothes, car insurance, etc..)

When my adult children had to start purchasing some of these things for themselves, that they previously had been supplied by a parent when they were minors, it was a reality check on the real cost of money and time and the balance of time needed to both earn money and go to college.  They both started to focus well on preciousness of time and money, which caused a new awareness of where money comes from, not all spending is fun and that time has to be sacrificed and well-managed for these needed monies to occur. 

This may be a difficult parental job to allow this education to occur, as the adult children can go through a period of money/time hardship, but its a lesson well learned and the lesson drives reality. My kids have later confirmed the hardship and also the blessing that this reality teaches.  They knew i had their best interest at heart and it had to do with promoting their adulthood, not punishment, and I was very clear to explain that fact and welcome to adulthood! 

As a parent, i believe it was my job to look beyond the current hardship lessons and look to a future time of hindsight by adult children who finally 'get' reality.  Your son should know that you 100% can afford these things for him, but that you are celebrating and promoting his independence and adulthood, not trying to keep him from reality by supplying these things like you did when he was a minor. 

Even if his father tries to supply these items because you are proactively not, your son, over time, will eventually know that you had his real best-interest at heart and were celebrating his adulthood, not trying to buy friendship or self-trophies with money, and truly focused on the son, not trying to compete with his father in any way. 

SoT

[losingmyself]

Ouch!!!
I would have been tempted to, just out of curiosity, ask for examples. "Oh, like how?"  Maybe your ex is taking credit for the things that you're actually providing.
But, man, that stings.

[lkdrymom]

Reminds me of the time my ex bought a football jacket for son....then handed me the bill to pay.  I handed it right back to him and gave him a piece of my mind.  I didn't stand up for myself too often but that pushed me over the edge.

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

lkdrymom - I had the same thing happen to me with my son's baseball.  He wanted to be reimbursed for some league fees - no way.  He thinks because I have full physical custody that means I have to reimburse him every time he spends a penny on his own son. 

Hhaw - you have some very valid points and I am going to focus on those lessons with my son more than I have.  He is going to get a job soon (after baseball) and he definitely appreciates having his own money.  He worked over the summer - more than his dad has worked in years.  I do see the link between him gaining his own independence and appreciation of hard work/money, valuable lessons.

His dad just can not stand that I am helping him through the college process - today lots of promises that will go unfulfilled, again.  I just wanna point out the obvious - that he's never ever ever done what he said he was going to.

[hhaw]

Asking you so what he thinks can be a helpful tool, ime.  Kids sometimes get to the truth if we get out of their way.

You want to avoid your son feeling defensive if his father.....maybe say suggest something generous about your ex so your son feels safe enough to air complaints about his father he normally wouldn't.

Listen without judging....your son wI'll be more likely to be honest and share if he feels you aren't judging and attacking his father, ime.

It's really tough, but you're a really good mom.