Still struggling a bit

[Liketheducks]

About 3 weeks ago, I had a massive trigger and felt that I needed to get some professional help....again.    My last therapist wrote on my discharge paperwork that I have PTSD related to family trauma.     I've known that for some time.  But, hearing it again from someone new just makes me sad.     I've done SO much work, but I'm still not sure who I really am.   And, it's a chronic thing.      Cliche as it sounds....I'm not sure how much of my personality is me or a trauma response.    I'm 54 years old.   I'm too old for this crap anymore.   I want to live a happier life.   

[Gwendolyn]

It's very courageous for you to share this deep awareness and I admire your candor.  Sometimes I feel like I am responding automatically from my trama-script and there are periods of time in my life I don't really think i was deciding anything...mostly reacting.

Our recovery (return to autonomy after abuse or grinding exposure to PDs) is unique to us.  I find I need to be patient with myself or I get either anxious or overwhelmed.  My days have many time outs for a glass of water or to stick my head outside.

You're not alone with these thoughts. 

Be kind to yourself.  Processing these revalations is quite draining.   We are growing and changing.


We can make happiness an active priority now, despite our past.  We are worth it.

[notrightinthehead]

I agree with you - I am also tired of this crap. Too old to be triggered and then have to take timeout to compose myself again. I am not my trauma. I am a work in progress and will be so till the day I die. Let's count the days we are coping and feeling joy. The days we are standing again after having picked ourselves up. Let's make these days more and more each year. Yes, we are traumatized, but we are so much more than that.

[Kat54]

Sharing is hard, and I hope getting it out in this forum helps you a little.

I feel tired of the crap also. I'm trying to get back to therapy... three week wait to see a therapist.

At 59, it's all still swirling around in my head everyday. Childhood trauma, divorce trauma.
Everyday out of nowhere anxiety creeps in and then I have trouble concentrating at work, working on my art.

I'm thinking and maybe the therapist will say. It's all about accepting who we are and where we have come from. Somehow I need to come to terms with my terrible childhood, mothers suicide, my crappy marriage and then divorce.
Feeling happy but then that cloud that's hung over me for 59 years.
You will live a happier life. Saying you do is half the battle.

[JustKeepTrying]

PTSD flashbacks started again this summer and I major setback a few weeks ago that resulted in a five day stay in a psych ward.  While inside I took advantage and attended every therapy session and wrung out of them everything I could.

Here is what I realized - I too at 57 and am tired of carrying this shit.  It's gets real heavy and I just don't want to anymore.

Several docs have said that even if you "close the loop" with EMDR on one trauma - another will appear from your past that you need to addresss.  You need to look in every dark corner - EVERY ONE - in order to really heal.

I thought I could just put some experiences in a box and tuck them away - I'd done enough I didn't - couldn't - go there.  But those wounds will open whether we want them to or not and they need to be addressed - or it will come out in ways we least expected.  That's what people don't understand - trauma will come out in weird ways unless you "close the loop."

Now, I don't exactly know what "close the loop" means - but it was term that was used a lot.  I think it means in EMDR you move it from one part of the brain to another?  or complete the electrical circuit - not really sure but I do know that there are some deep traumas I experienced as a child that resulted in decades of flashbacks and truly affecting my life - but since I have addressed with EMDR they have been neutralized.  I can view them dispassionately.

This isn't an ad for EMDR - it works for some and not for others - but it is about the fact that we can't be complacent. We must be proactive and willing to look in those dark corners.

[Liketheducks]

EMDR helped me immensely.   Though, for me....it isn't a cure for PTSD.  It helps makes the triggers more manageable.   But, the PTSD is chronic.   Feels like a death sentence to be overly dramatic.   When I think about it, some people deal with cancer.   I feel like I have stage 4 emotional cancer.   EMDR, was like chem for me.   SO hard to deal with, but helped shrink the tumor.

I feel like I'm SO emotionally immature.   

[moglow]

I am not my trauma. I am a work in progress and will be so till the day I die. Let's count the days we are coping and feeling joy. The days we are standing again after having picked ourselves up. Let's make these days more and more each year. Yes, we are traumatized, but we are so much more than that.

I like this. I extend it a bit to encompass others too, not just the PDs in our lives. So many are traumatized and struggling and we don't discount them, so why discount ourselves and our own progress? I feel like as long as we keep responsibly moving forward for ourselves and those around us, we're going to be all right. Some days will be better than others, some days we'll have more forward motion. We can't discount that even as we recognize the setbacks.

I turned 60 this year, so I get your frustrations. I had recent therapist point out to me  that "people who have PTSD AND complex PTSD - like YOU ..." and I was FLOORED. I'd not put those pieces together but suddenly some things made sense. My regret? That I didn't and wasn't courageous enough to face all this head on decades ago. I've learned a LOT about myself and people in general, but by far the lessons have been much needed *good* ones.

Don't regret the need to reach out for help - be proud of the courage you've built that tells you, Hey I need more to get through this. Not so long ago? I bet you wouldn't have done that. I know I wouldn't.
I'm learning to embrace the good stuff and address the bad, as I go along. It's not as easy to blindside or trigger me anymore so there's that. We're here with you

[Boat Babe]

I echo all that has been said above. I totally hear you and totally feel you. You are not alone in this struggle. My current take in things is "little wins" : achievable and cumulative. Also Mindful Self Compassion (see Neff and Germer) very soothing practice that's also simple and can be practiced  in the moment virtually anywhere.

Huge hugs my dear.

[Liketheducks]

Am in that.....are my friends REALLY my friends because we're friends......or because I'm such a committed people pleaser.   UGH

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Liketheducks,

Totally want to echo what others wrote. Moglow's post here - yep. We can't discount how far we've come and what we've needed to get here.

I hear that frustration too. We get older and think, why is this still coming up again? There are moments of frustration with PTSD that few others can really comprehend.

All I can share is what I've learned and what I'm trying. I hit a point where I realized that I'm never not going to have PTSD. And that having relational traumas, means that we are going to spend our adult years looking for the safe relationships we didn't get to experience as a child. And that a lot of the adults we meet, are just going to be acquaintances. And that we are probably going to have to live a different sort of life than we envisioned for ourselves. I'm still working on accepting how different life is when you've got complex PTSD.

I hate that a lot of adult relating is just staying on the surface. Especially these days. It doesn't work for me. I get frustrated that PTSD has affected my life so much.

Your friends might be doing all they know how to do. Some of it might feel like it nurtures you, and some of it might feel lacking to you. It doesn't make someone a bad friend, if they are a friend in some ways and not others. If you have any friends who enjoy your company even if you are not doing something for them / helping them with something, that is probably a real friendship, even if it lacks some qualities you are looking for in a friend. Even if they are not able to understand your past (many people still don't know anything about PD abuse or FOG or PTSD), they can still be a good friend, if they are making time for the friendship with you.

The problem is, a lot of people don't make time for others - unless they want something from us. Which can be really hard on those of us with PTSD. It can be something we legitimately get tired of.

I don't know if many adult friendships run deep anymore. Both people would have to want that - those of us with PTSD DO want those deeper friendships where the person cares about our well-being....but not a lot of people out there are really up for that. They want their friendships to be 'easy'.

It is ok to be tired of the way people have treated us. It is ok to pull away and recognize that some of the things that worked for us a decade earlier, are not working anymore. Some of us have lucked out with someone in our life that we can go to and say "I've been feeling down lately, here are a couple things we could do to nurture this friendship" but a lot of us don't know anyone who cares enough to even hear that from us. I was a codependent people pleaser and the minute I stopped giving people my time for free, they dropped me like a hot potato. Having PTSD is not always the problem. I think a lot of us just want relationships that run deeper.

I suspect a lot of us with childhood PTSD get tired of the 'place' we're expected to stand in - imagine if all of us people pleasers stopped taking care of relationships for others?, they would see how much we've been carrying on our shoulders. Maybe that is part of what we get tired of as we age. Maybe we get tired of how selfish some people are. That is very legit to be tired of.

Trees