Derogatory nicknames and shaming by uNPD ex

[Unbroken1]

When I was married to my uNPD covert communal ex-wife, she was fond of using a variety of nicknames for me. Some were just bizarre: "Moomar" was one; this started when Muhammad Khadafi, former dictator of Syria, was in the news prior to his ouster during the Arab Spring of 2010-11. A variation on this was "Doodar." She probably would be at a loss to explain who that public figure was, since paying attention to the news depressed her, but would use these when engaging with me by using fawning baby talk.

I never knew how to respond when she did this - as frankly, it creeped me out. I always wondered if this was part of her passive-aggressive toolkit and was used when she was feeling secretly remorseful for something else she had said or done, whether in reality or only in her imagination.

"Winky" and "Mookie" were a couple more benign monikers she would trot out. When she did this I now understand I unconsciously felt she was trying to get something from me, probably approval in her incessant need for my attention. She worshipped her father, who was passive and never protected her from her cruel, domineering and shaming mother. I was constantly being compared to him in so many ways and also understood that I would never measure up to him, not ever.

At some point I realized she wanted to recreate that parental relationship with me, and after the marriage ended I happened to see a photo of her with the man she replaced me with, and thought it was her brother at first - who was basically a mini-me of her father in every way except for the fact her brother was a narcissistic man-baby while her father was a victim of her mother's incessant devaluation and shaming, and eventually developed Parkinson's, which I now believe was a somaticized trauma response. Later, friends of mine told me at first they thought the photo of her and the new guy was actually a photo of her and me, so I guess my similarity in appearance to her father was a major attraction, early in our relationship.

Her devaluation and contempt came out in broad daylight shortly after we were married. I had been managing from afar my widowed uNPD/BPD mother's affairs after she abdicated responsibility for herself and was binge-spending on QVC crap, quickly draining a very nice financial legacy from my father and necessitating an intervention through a family attorney I engaged to set up a non-revocable trust so her path towards destitution could be stopped.

At the time I was completely stressed out managing my mother's debacle, self-employment during the recession of 2001, and meeting mortgage and household payments of $5k a month. Given my ex's need for unconditional, nonstop attention, this must have really triggered her, because the nicknames she started calling me turned from faux-affectionate to downright ugly. During one particularly memorable argument, she attacked me as being an inadequate husband (and implicitly, as an inadequate provider even though she is a self-professed "feminist" and "empath" and was and is also self-employed). The nickname she gave me during that fight was "your sorry ass."

On the downhill slope towards our divorce after that, another nickname she gave me was "prickface" since I am not and have never been one of those men who shave on a daily basis and am usually sporting a light scruff since I don't have to be concerned about dressing for an office environment, being self-employed.

I am sure there are other degrading names she called me over the years after that but my memories are pretty hazy and I probably repressed those times since the baiting and ensuing arguments seemed to go on nonstop after that.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

You have chosen a strong name for yourself here, Unbroken1.  The attempts of a pwPD to demean, control, disempower and guilt take many forms.  It can be very painful to recall.  As the "fog" lifts, more and more things come to light as a part of that pattern, sometimes things that were minimized or rationalized away at the time by the one who was the target of them.  At least I've found this to be true.   

For many of us this treatment began in childhood with our families of origin ... perhaps for you, too.  It can be quite a process, after leaving the pwPD, to unhook from the damage this causes in our own relationship with ourselves.  It sounds like you are well on your way in this process.  I hope you find the forum and resources here to be of good help and support!