Just coming Out of the FOG

[Helpless-in-seattle]

Hi all,

I'm married to someone who has been told they have significant BPD traits. We have a young child together and have been together since we were in our late teens.

The last few years have been particularly hard and I started therapy to attend to some personal stuff from my past. My husband didn't like that, and it started a downward spiral that has been gaining in intensity. He is extremely dysregualted, threatens suicide, self harms etc. I'm constantly on egg shells. I never know what new thing might set him off in a giant meltdown. He accuses me of really hurtful things but then says sorry followed by long monologues about his shitty childhood. I'm the bad guy if I get hurt by his actions as he is just having feelings and is entitled to those feelings (he can't distinguish between feelings and actions it would seem). He found my reddit username and Twitter and also has gone through my facebook amd email so im trying to be very careful here, but I'm hoping I may have found somewhere I can get support.

We are currently in couples counseling and I'm astonished to read people's warnings about it on this website and then see the behavior play out irl.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! I am sorry you had to find us and glad you did. You are not alone!
Please check out the Toolbox and start implementing the strategies that might be helpful for your situation. Medium chill, non JADE and grey rock made my home life so much calmer.  There is also a book that I found very helpful- Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist by Fjelstad. And the book "Why does he do that" by Bancroft opened my eyes  to the many ways I allowed myself to be abused.
I want to add that a shitty childhood is NO excuse for his present emotional abuse of you! I hope you know how to be ultra careful with your browser history and a good password for any device that you use that is changed regularly is essential! See you around on the boards!

[Helpless-in-seattle]

Thanks. Im being careful. Im still in shock its come to this, on one hand i feel awful sneaking around, on the other hand i realize I need to be safe.

A month or so ago my Therapist asked me to pack a "go bag", which made me realize how bad my situation was. I still find myself wondering if im overacting or if im going crazy

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

I can identify with much of what you posted about.

You may like to watch the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

I have learnt such a lot from her.

You may like to join your local carers centre. They should be able to help you more. They should have a mental health carers support worker. I have also been attending many mental health carers groups for many years.

I now call my sister my abuser. Abusers are all about power and control.

My sister could rage for hours. It is frightening to be anywhere near her when she is unstable and in a crisis state unable to cope and having an emotional landslide. She is terrifying.

It seems intolerable that your husband checks your internet activity. You are entitled to your privacy online.

You may like to start calmly implementing some boundaries to protect yourself, if it is safe for you to do so.

"Abuse thrives in the darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs."

Little by little your situation can and will change.

My golden rule is to always stay calm no matter what happens. I could easily get provoked into anger by my sister, which is what she craves. I stay calm and don't feed her narcissistic supply.

We can't change anyone else's behaviour. We can only change and control our own. We need to start working on building our self esteem.

Please seek help for yourself. Your husband also needs professional mental support to help him cope with his past childhood trauma which is impacting his behaviour now in the present. It seems he is projecting all his issues onto you.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[Helpless-in-seattle]

Thank you everyone, for the kind words, validation and links to resources.

Im sorry we are all in similar boats though

[Srcyu]

I've been reading about this, the cycle of stress, lashing out as a form of relief followed by remorse and long-winded self- centred apologies. I have a family member who does that.

He knows as he's doing it and accusing you of untrue things that he is using you to release his stress and unhappiness.

Going through your personal stuff is horrific. That smacks of wanting complete control because he cannot cope with anything less. I'm glad he's going to counselling with you, that at least, is a positive thing.

[Helpless-in-seattle]

Please seek help for yourself. Your husband also needs professional mental support to help him cope with his past childhood trauma which is impacting his behaviour now in the present. It seems he is projecting all his issues onto you.

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.
[/quote]

Thankfully is also in therapy, although how much he shares with his therapist i dont know