Being rejected=emotional flashback

[mary_poppins]

Hi all.

I'm readin 'Complex PTSD' by Pete Walker and it's been very helpful. The reading made me think of rejection. For example, each time I receive a 'no' from a job or a possible collaboration, I get an emotional flashback. The response is to go into freeze mode and dissociate. Then comes the 'I'm worthless/bad' speech because if I wasn't, they'd have accepted me. I know this is not true but still..

Example, I was recently rejected by two potential jobs and one friend. The 'friend' ghosted me and she refuses to talk or meet with me. I understand that she has her own trauma so I let her go. But it still hurt to be ghosted-we knew each other since we were little. We reconnected a few months ago and thought we hit it off. (apparently it was only in my head)

Jobs I lose feel really bad but I get over them fast, however, friends or potential friends I lose-this takes a while for me to accept and move on from.

If you react the same way, how do you manage to not take things personally and move on from these things? I know I should move on-but only cognitively.

[JustKathy]

Hi Mary_Poppins,

It's always been hard for me to not take things personally. I think it's getting better now that I'm older, but I still struggle with it.

When I was working, I went through a lot of self-loathing after not getting hired for a job. It HAD to be my fault, I must have said something stupid, I must have worn ugly clothes, you name it. I'd get over it once I got hired on another job so it didn't last long.

Friends are a LOT harder. For me, it just takes a lot of time, but eventually I come to the realisation that it was for the best. I've never been able to walk away from a friendship and simply shrug it off. It usually takes a lot of reflection—stepping back and thinking about the history of the relationship. In every case I've been able to think back to events that I brushed off at the time, but were clear warnings that the person was never really a true friend in the first place, or that they were more interested in themselves than in being there for someone else. In one case I realised that the person was a narc and was using me for supply. Often there's a lightbulb moment when I remember something the person said or did that was a warning sign that I ignored, probably because I desperately wanted them to like me. That's something we can't help. Those of us who have been rejected by our parents are going to be hurt by further rejection in our lives, and a human rejection is going to hurt more than an employer rejection. Survivors of narc abuse just want to be loved, so we're especially vulnerable.

The hard part is allowing enough time to put things in perspective. In time, it becomes easier to see that we're better off. But it does take time.

Sending hugs your way. I get it. You're not alone.

[Cat of the Canals]

Oh, I feel this.

Pete Walker recommends getting in the habit of talking back to your "inner critic," and I have found that to be helpful, especially as time goes on. When my critic starts saying "You're worthless" and "No one likes you," it's become almost a reflex to say back, "I know that's not true" or "That's silly, and I don't believe it."

[NarcKiddo]

I don't react in exactly the same way but I have huge emotional reactions to any rejection - perceived or actual.

I can't deal with any self-loathing. Perhaps I did too much of it during my childhood. Not sure. It is a very current concern I have yet to discuss with my therapist.

But if I get anything I think may be a rejection I have to get away from the situation as fast as possible, any way I know how.

I've only ever been dropped by one boyfriend (and I went through a lot in my youth due to my instability). I decided that wasn't going to happen again and dropped every other one like a hot cake if I had the slightest feeling they might be about to drop me.

Jobs have generally been OK. I can cope with not even getting an interview and if I have got to the interview stage I have only ever not then got the job on one occasion when it was pretty to clear to all concerned that we were not a good fit.

When I applied to universities I applied to one I was sure I would be rejected by, but it was very prestigious. As soon as I was accepted by my second choice I rejected the first choice university before it could reject me. 

I deal with wanting to be liked by being a people-pleaser, and am hyper-vigilant for signs they may not be pleased so I can run away before they reject me.

At the moment I am working through this in therapy and if I come to any helpful conclusions I shall try to remember to come back and let you know. It's a bit of a raw subject right now because I nearly sacked my therapist over a misunderstanding that I rationally knew was a simple issue but emotionally took as a rejection and was quite surprised by the fury of my reaction. I am due to speak to my therapist next week and I know I should tell her, but am currently grappling with the urge to brush it under the carpet and never tell her I reacted. What stopped me from actually sacking her was the rational knowledge that I was having an emotional panic and just sitting with the emotions and thinking about them rather than acting on them.

I am not sure it is possible ever to get rid of the emotional reaction. But maybe it becomes easier to recognise it and not allow it to get the better of oneself. A big lightbulb moment for me when I needed to lose weight was to discover that the feeling of hunger when it was not time to eat would go away if I drank a mug of tea and occupied myself with something else. My strategy was to drink the tea and promise myself a snack if I still wanted to eat 30 minutes later. After a while it did not matter if I was not in a position to make the tea, because I knew from experience that I would not have to endure the hunger for all that long before it went away. So maybe the knowledge that the horrid emotion will also go away could help. At least it buys you some time rather than just reacting to it in the hopes of getting rid of it.  And maybe it goes away quicker if you acknowledge it rather than react or try to squash it and pretend it isn't there.  Just thinking out loud here.

[mary_poppins]

That's something we can't help. Those of us who have been rejected by our parents are going to be hurt by further rejection in our lives, and a human rejection is going to hurt more than an employer rejection. Survivors of narc abuse just want to be loved, so we're especially vulnerable.

Yeah, this is the part that's most painful. But I guess we can unlearn to be more objective about rejections in our lives.

[mary_poppins]

Oh, I feel this.

Pete Walker recommends getting in the habit of talking back to your "inner critic," and I have found that to be helpful, especially as time goes on. When my critic starts saying "You're worthless" and "No one likes you," it's become almost a reflex to say back, "I know that's not true" or "That's silly, and I don't believe it."

Cat of the Canals-I'm glad you learned how to talk back to it. I'm learning, too. I think it's a daily exercise in mindfulness, at least for me. These negative thoughts are sneaky.

[mary_poppins]

I don't react in exactly the same way but I have huge emotional reactions to any rejection - perceived or actual.

I can't deal with any self-loathing. Perhaps I did too much of it during my childhood. Not sure. It is a very current concern I have yet to discuss with my therapist.

But if I get anything I think may be a rejection I have to get away from the situation as fast as possible, any way I know how.

I've only ever been dropped by one boyfriend (and I went through a lot in my youth due to my instability). I decided that wasn't going to happen again and dropped every other one like a hot cake if I had the slightest feeling they might be about to drop me.

Jobs have generally been OK. I can cope with not even getting an interview and if I have got to the interview stage I have only ever not then got the job on one occasion when it was pretty to clear to all concerned that we were not a good fit.

When I applied to universities I applied to one I was sure I would be rejected by, but it was very prestigious. As soon as I was accepted by my second choice I rejected the first choice university before it could reject me. 

I deal with wanting to be liked by being a people-pleaser, and am hyper-vigilant for signs they may not be pleased so I can run away before they reject me.

At the moment I am working through this in therapy and if I come to any helpful conclusions I shall try to remember to come back and let you know. It's a bit of a raw subject right now because I nearly sacked my therapist over a misunderstanding that I rationally knew was a simple issue but emotionally took as a rejection and was quite surprised by the fury of my reaction. I am due to speak to my therapist next week and I know I should tell her, but am currently grappling with the urge to brush it under the carpet and never tell her I reacted. What stopped me from actually sacking her was the rational knowledge that I was having an emotional panic and just sitting with the emotions and thinking about them rather than acting on them.

I am not sure it is possible ever to get rid of the emotional reaction. But maybe it becomes easier to recognise it and not allow it to get the better of oneself. A big lightbulb moment for me when I needed to lose weight was to discover that the feeling of hunger when it was not time to eat would go away if I drank a mug of tea and occupied myself with something else. My strategy was to drink the tea and promise myself a snack if I still wanted to eat 30 minutes later. After a while it did not matter if I was not in a position to make the tea, because I knew from experience that I would not have to endure the hunger for all that long before it went away. So maybe the knowledge that the horrid emotion will also go away could help. At least it buys you some time rather than just reacting to it in the hopes of getting rid of it.  And maybe it goes away quicker if you acknowledge it rather than react or try to squash it and pretend it isn't there.  Just thinking out loud here.

Hi NarcKiddo. I think you've touched a sensitive topic in your reply. That's why I highlighted everything you said.
I also reject people/situations before they reject me. I don't think I was ever dropped by a boyfriend but someone I liked did say 'no' to me.

Idk if this is a part of our narcissism (or lack of) that we need to sabotage ourselves before someone else will. For ex, I've had to say no to many jobs in the past year or so. Most of them were awful but 1 or 2 were good. I can admit that I sabotaged at least one job and thats out of fear.
Not sure why, maybe you'll find your own reasons in therapy.

For me it's the fear of having to work with narcissists again (I did work for a little while and the boss was a raging narc-it shocked me to discover that because he was so funny and warm in the interview stage). Another fear would be if I don't reject myself first and I get hired for this X job, while at the job I'll show my incompetence and they'll be dissapointed that they've hired me. There is a term for this -maybe it's the fear of success. There was another term but I forgot about it.

All in all, dealing with humans is really hard at least for me. When I read that social anxiety is very common in adult children of PDs in Walker's book, it felt like a light bulb has been switched. Yeah, no wonder I do not enjoy gatherings and big crowds. So, amybe social anxiety also plays a role in us having to reject ourselves first before others do.

Anyway, thanks for bringing this topic up. It's somtehing to reflect upon.

[escapingman]

This is a really good discussion.

I understand what you talk about, I think I have rejected people and jobs because I have been scared of being rejected. I have always been incredible scared of getting a no, so I just don't ask - that's safe. Always when I get a new job, project, whatever I am scared of them finding me out as a fraud. If things go bad, instead of standing up for myself I just pack it in and leave or quietly take the blame if I really need the job. I remember a few girls I really liked when I was younger, I never asked them out as I was convinced they where going to say no. I am working on myself now and I have a challenge from the book I just listened to, I need to start asking for help and also start saying no. Both terrifies me.

[Spring Butterfly]

If you react the same way, how do you manage to not take things personally and move on from these things? I know I should move on-but only cognitively.

Pete Walker's info on the inner critic helped me greatly. Also a counselor had me challenge the inner critic dialog and rewrite the programming. Is it true? Is it fact? What evidence do I have to the contrary? Like taking the inner critic thought to court and examining both sides. Writing it out helped me rewrite the script / programming. Then I would read the new story over and over.

[moglow]

Pete Walker recommends getting in the habit of talking back to your "inner critic," and I have found that to be helpful, especially as time goes on. When my critic starts saying "You're worthless" and "No one likes you," it's become almost a reflex to say back, "I know that's not true" or "That's silly, and I don't believe it."

My thought on the whole inner critic issue: That inner critic was installed by our PD parents, with decades of "you can't" and "you'll never" and "you failed." Few of us had an alternate critic, not on any consistent basis anyway. I'm still learning, with the help of people who have known me for years. They KNOW me, something she can never claim. But I'm a hard study, I'll admit. Those messages she installed went deep - and not talking to her has helped tremendously.

Keep working towards getting out of there, MP, I believe it'll change your whole world when you tackle and solve day to day issues without their interference. You build your own confidence, and even when something doesn't go as planned you've learned something you can use later.

[mary_poppins]

If you react the same way, how do you manage to not take things personally and move on from these things? I know I should move on-but only cognitively.

Pete Walker's info on the inner critic helped me greatly. Also a counselor had me challenge the inner critic dialog and rewrite the programming. Is it true? Is it fact? What evidence do I have to the contrary? Like taking the inner critic thought to court and examining both sides. Writing it out helped me rewrite the script / programming. Then I would read the new story over and over.

That's a great idea, Spring Butterfly. It is a more intense exercise for inner critic than what I do. I usually talk back to her and tell her to shut up or that she's just my mother's voice so i don't give a f%$ what she thinks or I just say 'Quiet'. I learned to do this not from Walker but from a therapist I found online. I would also want to work on the inner critic with a real-life psychotherapist.

[mary_poppins]

Keep working towards getting out of there, MP, I believe it'll change your whole world when you tackle and solve day to day issues without their interference. You build your own confidence, and even when something doesn't go as planned you've learned something you can use later.

Yeah, I am doing that atm. Without FOO, things will feel less painful, I assume, including job/client rejections.