FIL seems very depressed

[11JB68]

Updh and I visit updFIL twice a month.  He's generally not so bad,  has been good to me and ds etc.  Lots of negativity,  complaining,  racism,  etc.  He is getting to be quite old.  Up until pretty recently though he was energetic and in pretty good physical shape.  Over the past year though he has been failing.  Especially the past month or two.  We visited today and it's clear he is depressed.  I feel badly,  but I can't help but observe that he has brought some of this in himself.  He has never wanted to go anywhere,  do anything,  socialize etc.  Very rigid about when we can visit etc.  Doesn't come to family events... even if we offer to drive him etc.  Now he is not driving,  not going out to walk to the corner store etc. 
I Googled how to help depressed elderly and all of the suggestions are things he would reject.

[practical]

It makes you feel your own powerlessness, how you cannot help somebody who is so locked into their own ways, and depression makes this worse. Really sorry for you and for your uPDFIL.

What you wrote reminds me of my F, who became more and more insular and all suggestions to widen his circle, accept help were rejected or fell on deaf ears. I often had to think of the saying "you can bring a horse to water but you cannot make it drink" - true and sad.

[Sneezy]

I have thought long and hard about my mom's depression and anxiety, and really can't come up with anything to help.  I've gone so far as to call her doctor and request that he bring it up with her.  But mom rejects every attempt to address it.  She even has anti-anxiety medication, but she refuses to take it.

I think that older people with PDs have a particularly difficult time with both depression and anxiety.  They are no longer the center of the family, as things start revolving around the younger generations.  They have physical and cognitive issues that are hard to deal with.  They are no longer the prettiest, strongest, most clever person in the room.  Sometimes they try to get their supply of attention by being the sickest person in the room.  The whole "nobody suffers as much as I suffer" routine, but eventually people get tired of that and it no longer works either.  Or worse, family members start to talk about moving to assisted living, or hiring help, and that usually doesn't go over well at all.

Sometimes it's productive for people with depression to volunteer to help others.  It can be good to get outside of their own head and be useful.  But, unfortunately, people with PDs are often very transactional.  They don't do something unless there is something for them to gain in return.  Which kind of defeats the purpose of volunteering and makes them less likely to want to do this.  The thought of doing something useful for others isn't enough, not unless they get a lot of praise and admiration in return.

I think you could tell your FIL that you are concerned and suggest that he talk to his doctor.  But don't be surprised if your suggestion is met with "there's nothing wrong with me."  You can continue to invite him to family events, but I'm not sure there is much else you can do.  He has to want help, and be willing to do some work himself, before things will change.  And it sounds like that is unlikely.

[moglow]

Pretty sure it's the same with mine, 11JB68. Like DH dad, she's never been "a joiner" and always had a host of excuses why she couldn't do this or that. She would be able to tell you many months in advance that she couldn't possibly attend xyz then act all surprised when the event went on without further discussion involving her [her grandchildren's weddings are prime examples!].

think that older people with PDs have a particularly difficult time with both depression and anxiety.  They are no longer the center of the family, as things start revolving around the younger generations.  They have physical and cognitive issues that are hard to deal with.  They are no longer the prettiest, strongest, most clever person in the room.  Sometimes they try to get their supply of attention by being the sickest person in the room.  The whole "nobody suffers as much as I suffer" routine, but eventually people get tired of that and it no longer works either.  Or worse, family members start to talk about moving to assisted living, or hiring help, and that usually doesn't go over well at all.

I agree completely. Add to that the "doctor prescribed this pill so I must take it even if I react badly or have no measurable benefit at all" mindset, somehow assuming taking all those pills are "fixing" things and being adamant that nothing be changed. I honestly don't know and stopped trying to keep track of md and her issues years ago. I'm sorry she's depressed, no doubt lonely and bored. But when every reasonable attempt at support or even conversation are shot down, what's to be done?

[11JB68]

Thx everyone for your supportive and insightful responses...
One of you used the word insular... great word! I said to updh that FIL had been making his world smaller and smaller over the years