What was taken from me has never come back

[Lookin 2 B Free]

It's been over 40 yrs ago I left my FOO with its full-on PD dysfunction.  After leaving them, & only after, did I learn there were people I could safely share my feelings with. 

Over time I learned how to have friendships without anyone being taken hostage, & with trust, equality, closeness, & respect for each others' autonomy. Wow!  A far cry from how I'd been brought up. My romantic relationships were trickier, but I still had those nurturing friendships throughout my marriage to a man who had characteristics but I don't believe was a full PD.  I spent some time unpartnered after the divorce & continued to have a pretty fulfilling life.

Then I met the one I totally fell for & moved in with before I realized.  I hadn't understood,what a PD was even though I'd grown up with it.  I kept trying to make it work so we could love each other but still lead healthy, rounded lives  Trying to give him enough love, or enough something he needed (I was sure i could figure out what it was) so that our relationship could be stable & fulfilling, so that he would stop freaking out about everything & erupting & ping ponging between idealizing & painting me black, & behaving so inappropriately around everyone.  I thought if I got him into therapy, which I did, & gave him tons of understanding & leeway & forgiveness, which I did, that he would heal & we could be happy.   

It will be no surprise to anyone here that years & years of sacrifice doing all of that changed him not one bit.  It would seem to for a while, but then would quickly revert back, & get even worse.  Meanwhile the activities I loved had been slipping away because he hated me doing them.  No one else wanted to be around him & his PD behaviors. so my grown kids & friends started asking to see me alone.  This would freak him out so badly I quickly started giving that up.  Things got worse between him and me & I became more & more isolated.  My belief in myself as someone worthy of love & care, which I'd worked so hard to cultivate after my early years, started eroding.  I just gave up more & more because it cost so much, in the midst of his spite & punishment, to keep it.  

When I finally left, almost everything which had meant something to me was gone.  I've been completely NC for almost 3 years.  I'm not without friends & FOC, but it is a thin shadow of what it was.  I've been working with a trauma T, but I haven't come back from being shaken to the core.  The shame & fear never got as bad as it had been in childhood, but it's still enough to keep me from really connecting to people or fully living.  I'm trying to help myself & I have improved.  But I don't know if I can ever get back the "me" that moved openly & with little fear through the world.  I miss that with all my heart. 

[hhaw]

L2BFree:

You've spent so many years in the trenches, dear one.  Your Nervous System and default brain pathways changed.

My understanding of Neuroplasticity is you can heal and rewire your brain throughout your life. 

I know you're caretaking your young grandchild and 2 adults.  How is that working out for you?  You said caring for your GC feels a bit like re parenting young L2BFree and that makes so much sense to me.

One more question, are you still seeing a trauma informed Therapist?

I think I recall you're very busy and not able to focus on  being mindful right now. 

How are you doing?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hhaw, how thoughtful of you to be in mind of my past posts.    I am still doing the caretaking and it's gotten a little heavier for just a few months.  To help offset that, I'm letting some things go and spending more time connecting with friends and 12 step meetings.

I'm a little freaked about about the trauma therapy.  I'm pretty low income and it's through an agency.  Since I've been doing it for over 2 years, she has to cut me back to about twice a month or sometimes less.   Then, sometime in the coming months, I'll be cut off altogether.  I don't have money or insurance to pick it up anywhere after that.  What a tremendous loss!  She has been such a help and a mainstay.  It brings tears to think of not having her in my life anymore.

I spent a few years really getting in touch with my anger, which strengthened me, alleviated a lot of fearfulness and insecurity, and allowed me to change my relationships with people so I'm not in a one-down position anymore.  That's been a Godsend which was much helped by my T's skill.  Of late, though, I'm feeling very vulnerable along with grief and shame.  I don't like feeling so vulnerable.  It reminds me of being a child in a very unsafe world.  Maybe this is part of the process.  I don't really know how it's supposed to go.

[hhaw]

Free:

Have you learned practical strategies from your T you can replicate on your own.....like EMDR, tapping or breathing, etc?

I find healing spurts come after I've been overwhelmed and in crisis, leaving me no choice but to turn toward self care and deal with the issue.  If things go smoothly, self care tends to fall away and I don't practice coping strategies where I might and it's ok.

So, ya.  Maybe "backsliding" is part of the process...we heal some, feel better then try to get on with life, leading to old patterns creeping in with new habits sliding away....and then crisis forces our focus back to our new strategies.

Coming back to myself requires returning to mindfulness practice, breathing, EMDR and another T appointment typically. 

Layers peel back, older traumas come forward and I tend to them as I can. 

Sometimes I experience trauma responses I have trouble calming down, even in session with my amazing T. 

This is rare, but after 3 + years of T.....it still happens and I try not to judge it.  I feel like I've stopped judging, even if I'm frightened by the reactivity.....feeling very faint and struggling to remain conscious recently. 

I figured out I skipped working on the very thing I was referred to my trauma T for.....,the years of legal trauma and abuse, feeling at the mercy of and my inability to impact that situation....much.  Most recently childhood abuse came up.....and I really didn't want to deal with it, but felt much better when I did. 

Being vulnerable and unable to act does more damage than when we can act to help ourselves, ime.  I've changed old memories in T sessions, processed some and realized others processed on their own, bc of the work I've done and still do.  Like magic, sort of.

Amazing and sometimes I feel the joy in the spaces I stopped worrying into the future or ruminating into the past.  I manage to get into my body, be present in the moment and a smile takes over my face and being.  I'm leaning into cultivating that for myself.

Changing my story within my Nervous System is HUGE and helpful.  My T taught me how, but remembering during stress and crisis takes lots of practice. 

I don't beat myself up.  I count my blessings and understand I have the choice to prioritize my mental health, even though I don't always choose it.  At least I see where I might and sometimes I DO.

Changing takes time and suffering shows me what needs tending, ime.

Learning to recognize the less healthy , older things sparking dopamine in the brain (like when you think of seeing your ex).... then recognizing I want to change it......catching it and turning toward something new and better requires focus and energy and that's ok. 
Sometimes it's daunting, but  I don't expect to do this perfectly.  I've learned a lot and so will continue learning and practicing.  Even elderly Monks are still practicing, Free: )

As long as I don't give up I either overcome or learn or often both. 

I hope you find a way to keep seeing your T.  If not, perhaps you can sturdy up the tools you find most helpful and write up a response plan for challenges, crisis and times of vulnerability or illness.

I was feeling very strong and focused before an injury and Covid hit me in June......whew boy. 

I feel I lost ground, but I think I learned to internalize my new coping strategies, use them more often while replacing old patterns and strategies, bc of those challenges. 

Two steps forward, one step back teaches the lessons I need more deeply......and that's ok.  Learning isn't a straight line.

Even if it's not ok...,it's ok, Free.

Another question....
What would it look like to put down a percentage of the care you give the adults in your life? 

What would have to happen to lay down 100% of it?

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Dear hhaw,  You are a very giving and caring person on this forum.  I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough time with the injury and Covid in June and the frightening trauma response experiences of late.  Big hugs to you and your precious & brave inner child   I hope you feel as much love and support in your life as you bring to others.

I've gathered some good tools over years of therapy, Dharma practice, & 12 Step. It does include EMDR & Somatic Experiencing.   BTW, those elderly monks, nuns and Rinpoches you mentioned who are still practicing are the source of some of my biggest times of inspiration.     (And I do meditate daily, though not as fervently as I used to.)  I guess maybe the trauma bonds were so strong that it took all of that and much time to finally budge me a few years ago.  I'm fortunate it happened at all.

The vulnerability I feel is not that of disempowerment.  More like just stopping everything, putting down the tools, the work,  the striving, the planning, any bracing or controlling ... and letting whatever you find in that place wash over you without fixing it.  Maybe a bit like standing naked against the elements.  And what I find is a quivering and brokenheartedness.  There are only a few people I talk to about this.  So when I'm with others besides them, it's uncomfortable.  Maybe that's what I really miss, feeling at ease with others.  Yes, I think so.  I never had it much as a child and it's such a gift when I do have it.

The caretaking?  I'm legally responsible for both adults and I really care about them.  That doesn't mean I couldn't partially, or even fully, walk away.  And I often think about what a change might look like.  I guess maybe I'm waiting for some clarity ... or a shift, which does tend to happen when something motivates me, or to happen because, over time, all things do change.

[hhaw]

L2BFree:

I hope the heartbrokeness and quivering give way to what's behind them.... then to understanding, acceptance and peace.

You have so many tools and I trust you'll pick them back up when you're ready. 

Putting them down isn't good or bad...it's just what you're doing now.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Thank you.  This discussion has been very helpful and clarifying for me.  I'm reminded that Brene Brown wrote some things on the "power of vulnerability."  I like her stuff, though I haven't spent any time with it in quite a while.  Maybe I'll look into that.   <3 <3 <3