Why didn't I do it sooner? And it didn't happen like I thought it would either

[easterncappy]

I haven't spoken to my dad in months, although I don't think he's gotten the message. Didn't bother explaining it to him. Just had a few ugly interactions with him, realized I was pregnant and had a husband and my own place to live and thus didn't have to put up with him anymore... and I just "ghosted". I'm sure if he's even noticed he thinks I'm just being a rebellious bratty teenager (I'm 25) or whatever. That's just what he does. Also not how I expected it to go down, but a lot easier and quicker than I thought it would be.

My mom, on the other hand, was a lot harder to quit. I posted about it in the dealing with parents subforum, but the rundown is that I had the baby, she crossed a boundary when I was in the hospital, and I couldn't look her in the eyes anymore after I had my own child... nothing about her behavior towards me made sense anymore. The love I feel for my baby wouldn't allow me to do even the "little stuff" she did to hurt me. I saw her for the monster she is. She called me, cried about how I didn't tell her I was in the hospital, I just sort of started bluntly telling her why I do things the way I do and that I don't really care how she feels about it. She was obviously taken aback.

She asked me to call her later, I never did. I'm not going to. I don't feel like I owe her an explanation of why I'm not talking to her. If she had been at the hospital when I gave birth, it would have been genuinely traumatic. Having her around my daughter would put me on edge... what guarantee do I have that she will act even vaguely appropriately around my child? I can't take the risk. She's the same person who hurt me, with no apology or remorse or attempt to make it right, still in denial and blaming it on me. And I don't want her unsolicited advice. I don't want to listen to her complain and gossip and be generally obnoxious and unpleasant when I have a family of my own now. Every conversation with her was just that, anyway. I'd sit there in silence while she spewed venom about everyone in her life.

A thought I had a couple of days ago: I would genuinely rather die than have my daughter experience one day of a childhood like mine. The longer I'm away from them, the more I wonder how I survived that. I mean it - I'd rather die. Not a figure of speech. No child deserves what I went through.

A part of me feels guilty for "throwing her away". She hasn't called since either, but I'd never seen her behave as pathetically as she did during our last phone call. She used to tell me that her biggest fear was that I'd grow up and stop talking to her.

But I feel good, overall. It's a relief not having to deal with her. I don't know why I put up with her for so long. Really. You couldn't pay me to go back. Not even a life or death situation could make me talk to her. I told my husband that if I ever have an untimely death I don't even want them at my funeral. Life is much better now. My anxiety is down. My mood is better. I am more pleasant to be around. There isn't really anything that puts me in a loop of feeling like crap for the rest of the day, as her phone calls would always do. I don't have to "get it out of the way" anymore.

Good riddance. Hope it stays this way and she gets the message. It's been weeks. Do not call again, mom...

[Srcyu]

Yes, you have enough important things to do with your own family now.

Good Riddance is the best way of putting it. She can take all her drama and nasty selfishness and keep herself well away from you and yours.

[NarcKiddo]

Good for you, Cappy.

I think you need to be prepared for her to try to make contact at some point. From what I have seen on these boards it is a common occurrence, even if you have explicitly told them not to contact you.

However, the more time that goes by before she does so (if she does), the more time you have to experience how much better life is without her and the stronger you will be to rebuff her advances. How interesting that she actually said she feared you would grow up and stop talking to her. I don't think you have thrown her away; I think you have given her every chance to play nice and she hasn't. So you have enforced a boundary for the sake of your baby. And quite right too.

I hope you and your daughter are doing well. And your husband, of course.

[Cat of the Canals]

Congrats to you. At a time when a lot of people would be potentially more susceptible to the FOG for a variety of reasons (hormones, stress, lack of sleep, etc.), you seem to have done the opposite and instead discovered some inner well of strength. Amazing and inspiring.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

Oh easterncappy,

So happy for you.

Congratulations on the safe arrival of your daughter.

One thing I repeated as a mantra my first 2 years NC from uNPDm: "I have closed the door on the abuse. I remain open to a genuine and healthy gesture from them" (parents and flying monkeys).

This mantra reminded me that I had built a moat that keeps me safe from further abuse, and that is all..if they go to therapy and legit get healed, I'll allow them to tell me this. And go from there (knowing that the odds of them getting treatment is like .005%.)

I'm still waiting to hear if they know how to start a sentence without "I need..." or "You always....". In other words, the jig is up. You know she can't "play nice" like NarcKiddo wrote. Neither can my mother. You can't unsee this stuff.

I went LC before I became a parent but once my baby came I could not fathom putting us through the narc abuse circus. I also didn't allow her at the birth. You got this Mama Bear!

In solidarity,

Trees