Learning. Healing. And what's to come.

[GravityOfBeauty]

Thought I would be further along by now... yet here I am: still in the thick of it like so many of you. Leaving has proven to be so complicated and difficult. Despite moving out early this spring, up until recently I've kept myself from moving forward with anything legal by holding out hope that a mediation process may be viable. I've given her so much time but I'm realizing now that uSTBXBPW will need infinite time. She wants me back but doesn't even know why. When I ask her to describe her goals for marital counseling, she simply cannot come up with an answer; no matter how many times I ask for clarity. Recently, uSTBXBPW said that she's offering opportunities (i.e counseling) for me to prove to her that there is only one direction this can go. I decided to give counseling (virtual) a chance, I felt I was in a healthy enough place to handle whatever may come. The counselor declined our case after hearing both sides. uSTBXBPW doesn't understand why of course.

I've been working through many aspects of grieving, guilt, and obligation in T over the last several months and it's been immensely helpful. One being, for example, the guilt of not wearing my ring (that was a big breakthrough.) However, I'm finally reaching the point where uSTBXBPW continues to break boundaries that shouldn't even need verbalization. For example, showing up at my workplace weekly (it's a public access space). Her housing situation is ever changing — getting kicked out, burning bridges, and moving to the next couch..etc...even asking if she could sleep in my car despite having her own vehicle. A lot of her actions and ways of communicating borderline on psychosis according to my T.

Needless to say, I've identified that while I went through an absolutely required stage of healing post-leaving, now my wellbeing has started to take a decline as she continues to up her strategies. I know it's time to make the call to start the legal process. It's quite possible it won't be as dramatic as I'm dreading. In the past, when I've braced for uSTBXBPW to react in a big way, it has never actually happened and she has adjusted. I recall this is somewhat typical nPD behavior?

The journey continues. I can see a glimmer at the end of the tunnel. I will get there...I will.

[escapingman]

I hear you GoB, I am going through the same process as you. I physically left STBX almost half a year ago, I did quite well but the longer this drags on the more my mental health declines. I have been told that this could be years if we can't settle for something, she doesn't want to settle, she wants the ongoing battle. It's draining, truly takes all energy. At the same time the grief for someone that is not dead but feels like she is.

Stay strong GoB, we are in this together.

[JustKeepTrying]

I admire that you have given yourself time and space to deal with what is always hard - there is no easy way through this.  But you are giving yourself time to really make the best decision for yourself.  That takes courage.

I am including a link to a technique I learned in therapy.  It's called coping ahead and it may help as you navigate the next decisions in the process.  Show it to your T and see if it's something that works for you.  Just another tool in the tool box.  My only caution is that you limit the exercise to 30 min a day or else you can spiral.  https://dbt.tools/emotional_regulation/cope-ahead.php

Sending you love and light from afar!

[GravityOfBeauty]

To answer your questions:
truthfully, I no longer believe mediation is possible. I was holding out hope for a while because my uSTBXBPW went through a phase of supposed 'acceptance' of the situation... only to backtrack as soon as she reeled me closer in terms of communication and my openness. It was, in essence, a trap. Secondly, I believe it was also tied to my grieving process; letting go of the parts of her that I loved (and still do) -- the parts of her I wanted to believe the best in. As I've deconstructed most of those feelings, however, underneath them lies only emptiness and deception.

Marriage counseling was truthfully something I felt obligated to try. I still fall into mild caretaking 'knee jerks' when I'm not detached enough from her present drama. Part of me knew it would not be safe nor productive. Initially I had agreed to ONE joint session simply to verbalize my same script in the hope it would somehow bring her more clarity. She plays the "confused" card to everyone -- as if she has no idea why I left even though I've stated why (and that repair is not safe for me) in black in white, on paper, multiple times. Now I see that joint counseling would've done nothing in regard to clarity; she would still be confused / angry / irrational because her view of reality is incredibly distorted. And, surely after one session she would've sung of great progress.

Regarding already having left, you are spot on. I have to remind myself from time to time that one of the biggest steps has already been dealt with, and, if I was able to handle that, surely I am capable of handling what's next. It has simplified things because I'm physically removed from the drama triangle and her abusive cycles. I still get manipulated over email, but that's manageable and I have the ability to block those at any time. Most importantly : Leaving has allowed me to heal and strengthen my secure attachment to self; it's from that place of groundedness where I make wise, self protective decisions about my future.

[GravityOfBeauty]

Thanks.

One aspect that I've found immensely healing, personally, has been climbing out of my deep hole of isolation. Don't get me wrong: it's not easy, especially as an introvert. However, I've had a few conversations with trusted coworkers and friends and each time I've been met with such understanding, compassion, and a desire to know me more. It's been incredibly validating. I came to the realization that I'm conditioned to expect a negative response or harm from taking the risk of being totally vulnerable. Every conversation gives me more confidence to have the next one and to take the needed steps to bring this marriage to a close.