Huge Revelation

Kat54 · October 14, 2022, 11:12:10 PM

Having a weekend with my sisters. We, all five of us are very close. We have have all struggled with depression and alcohol abuse to some extent but we are literally each other's therapist.

My oldest sister just revealed to us that our brother raped her for several years. My younger sister and I also, he sodomized us. Though I have very little memory but she was there and clearly saw what he was doing to me. We all had kept it to our selves never knowing what he did to each of us. I thought it was some bad dream and never told anyone.

What do I do?? It explains so much dysfunction in my personal life. It's like the top came off.

How do we confront our brother? I forgive him. He's been suffering from substance abuse, and suicidal tendencies.

SonofThunder · October 14, 2022, 11:31:44 PM

Quote from: Kat54 on October 14, 2022, 11:12:10 PM
Having a weekend with my sisters. We, all five of us are very close. We have have all struggled with depression and alcohol abuse to some extent but we are literally each other's therapist.

My oldest sister just revealed to us that our brother raped her for several years. My younger sister and I also, he sodomized us. Though I have very little memory but she was there and clearly saw what he was doing to me. We all had kept it to our selves never knowing what he did to each of us. I thought it was some bad dream and never told anyone.

What do I do?? It explains so much dysfunction in my personal life. It's like the top came off.

How do we confront our brother? I forgive him. He's been suffering from substance abuse, and suicidal tendencies.

Wow Kat,

Im SO very sorry that you and your sisters suffered sexual abuse from your brother. You have spent most of your time here on Out of the FOG regarding your now ex-husband, but you did switch gears briefly to discuss your sisters and growing up in a dysfunctional home.

My opinion to your question is:

Your brother's substance abuse and suicidal tendencies should not be connected to your and your sisters need/desire to get this fact out into the open with him. That, imo, is similar to allowing self-harm threats of a PD to keep us from protecting ourselves from further abuses, because we cannot control their actions and reactions. Imo, adults must adult themselves.

I also believe it should be all the kids together, and nobody else, confronting in private. He may be mentally struggling in part, because it has not been confronted and although confrontation is so very painful, truth is always the way to go imo.

Again, so sorry you all experienced sexual abuses and i will keep you and your siblings in thought and prayer.

SoT

Lauren17 · October 15, 2022, 12:42:27 AM

This huge reveal is a very sad one.
My heart hurts for you.
I know you have the strength to work through this.

notrightinthehead · October 15, 2022, 12:47:44 AM

I am so sorry! I can imagine how shocking it must be to get this out in the open. Maybe you just give yourself some time to let this settle a bit before you make any decision at all. Forgiveness or confrontation or both, you will decide what is the right thing to do for you. Please allow yourself all the time you need to truly accept this new reality, since you seem to have suppressed that memory until now. No need to rush into anything.

Gwendolyn · October 15, 2022, 07:58:58 AM

Hello Kat54

Being close with your sisters and being able to support each other and talk openly is what helped bring this new information to the surface. Continuing your healing journey while processing these revealed memories, and their impacts on each of your lives, is now on the table for you and your sisters. There is wisdom in seeking guidance in how best to proceed in so many ways, both as individual women and as sisters.

My heart goes out to you and I pray you and your sisters find a way to get through these days and weeks ahead without overwhelming your unique & beautiful spirits.

Your sisters love and believe you and that is huge. Take a deep breath and know that your inner adult is there for you when you take the time to center yourself. You will slowly have a sense of how to move forward. It's horrible but it's not a time sensitive crisis.

Hold your head high.

Your courage to face this revalation shows the strength of your commitment to come Out of the FOG.

Be gentle with yourself.

Gwendolyn

Kat54 · October 15, 2022, 07:24:08 PM

Our weekend is coming to a close. We have put it to the back for now. My older sister who was raped does not want to confront our brother. She wants to let it go and move on.

Once I return home, I've been on the waiting list to see a therapist. I'll see if I can move this up because I know once I'm home my anxiety will escalate. It was this minor thing in my head but reality was different. I saw it as a dream and it couldn't be real. But it does explain so so much with my personal self and my marriage failing.

I'm so so sad, I don't know how I will continue my relationship with him. It has to be confronted. When I say I forgive him, I haven't talked about it to anyone. So I can't say at this point. I've always thought him as selfish and any conversation circles around back to him.

I'm just super super sad.

escapingman · October 16, 2022, 04:33:48 AM

I am so sorry you and your sisters had to go through this in your childhood, you should be safe in your own home. I hope you can find a way to process this, my heart goes out for you.

NarcKiddo · October 16, 2022, 05:51:33 AM

How horrible.

I hope you manage to see a therapist sooner rather than later and start working through this pain.

Srcyu · October 16, 2022, 05:59:19 AM

My advice would be to keep well away from your brother.

That would include no texts, pm's or emails either
So much time has passed, he could well be in complete denial. Your therapist may advise you differently of course.

It's been a huge shock to have all this come out into the open. Probably, for now, your sisters are the best people for you to be communicating with.

Kat54 · October 19, 2022, 08:15:57 AM

Thank you for the thoughts and advice. My thoughts this week are I don't want to be a victim. I've had plenty of trauma in my life but as I write this I really want to live my best life still and not let this derail what I've worked so hard to get.

While what he did was so horrible, I feel it's better for my self to forgive these terrible deeds. Though one day he will hear from me and this will be a private conversation. How do you deny abusing all your younger sisters?
It's my relationship with him going forward. Not sure how that will play out.

And finding a therapist has been extremely challenging, and I work for a psychiatric hospital. They can't see you for weeks and weeks, they no longer take any insurance. They don't call you back. They aren't taking new patients. I'll keep going through my list looking for a therapist.

bloomie · October 19, 2022, 08:31:53 AM

Kat54 - There are times when words truly do fail us. I can simply say I am so incredibly sorry.

As you wait for an opportunity to meet/speak with a therapist I wanted to offer a resource where you can chat live with a domestic violence professional who may be able to direct you to other resources that will support you as you process this.

https://www.thehotline.org

Kat54 · November 09, 2022, 01:39:11 PM

Thank you Bloomie, I did find a therapist and have had a few sessions with her. It has helped with processing this. And it made me think, she gave me a different perspective on the trauma I've had in my life. While you will always remember it, and it has a place in your memory but you draw from that to move forward in your life in positive ways.

For myself, it's changed the relationship with my brother forever. Will I confront him one day, maybe in private. But I forgive him and I still love him. In my mind our relationship will not be the same. Right now it will be an effort but that may change one day.

On the other hand, my oldest sister who he never did anything to, has decided to not speak to him. Though he doesn't know why, from what I was told. She does that, will stop speaking to you, but you'll never know the reason. Which I think is very counterproductive and childish.

square · November 09, 2022, 02:25:10 PM

If you have an urge to confront him, I recommend the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. While the book is about parents and not siblings, I believe the content will be just as relevant to you. She discusses a method of confrontation, which starts with understanding and refining your goals, which ultimately cannot be dependent on your abuser's response. It's to say the truth and how it affected you, and to set the burden at his feet - whether he picks it up or not.

I'm not recommending for or against confrontation (because it depends on your needs), but I think for those who feel the need to stand up and speak the truth out loud, this book is very good.

JustKeepTrying · November 09, 2022, 11:56:10 PM

Kat - I am so sorry you went. through this. It is horrifying. I am hugging you from afar and sending you love

My brother was quite abusive. It was the first EMDR session I requested to process the physical abuse. I can text him now without a trigger. But seeing him in person, I can't do that. I admire your forgiveness. That takes great strength.

Lookin 2 B Free · November 11, 2022, 01:49:50 AM

I, too, am so sorry to hear what a terrible thing you suffered, Kat. I only hope having the knowledge of it will help you heal. I'm glad you were able to find therapy without having to wait too long.

I remember learning long ago about something I believe was called "witness abuse." That it can also be very traumatizing to be present while someone is being abused even if the person never attacks you. No doubt all of you were deeply hurt by this. I'm sorry any of you have to deal with the question of how to relate to your brother now.

I wish you peace and healing.