Life after my father's death:Being told where my father should have been buried

[countrygirl]

Hi,

Although my father died five years ago, I just had a second cousin's husband criticize where I should have buried him!   

My mother, who died twelve years before my father, chose to be buried an hour and a half away from the city where she'd lived with my father for sixty years.  Her brother had given her a plot beside their parents, and she told us that was where she wanted to be buried.  My father did not like that part of the cemetery, because it only allowed flat memorial stones.  He wanted a monument, so he bought plots in that part of the cemetery.  But then he decided that HE wanted to be buried in his city.  He discussed exhuming my mother.  I told him I didn't approve of this, because she'd made her wishes known for many years before her death.  She had never liked the city where she'd lived with my father.

A couple of years  before his death my father  started telling other people that he wanted to be buried in his city, and he talked to them about exhuming my mother.  But  he never moved my mother, even though he had twelve years in which to do so.  No, instead, he left ME to make this decision after his death.  When I was standing in front of his coffin at the visitation, this one old bossy biddy told me that he hadn't wanted to be buried in the other city, where my mother was.  I said, "Well, he bought a plot there.  And my mother wanted to be buried there, so was I supposed to bury them an hour and a half apart?"   She looked down at her feet, and mumbled, "There was talk of moving your mother."  I replied, "The thought of exhuming  my mother is grotesque."  She then said she'd been friends with both of my parents, and I said I knew, and gave her a hug.  (In point of fact, she'd only been friends with my father.) 

I know she held this exchange against me;  I heard about it from other people.

Finally, I thought the subject had been dealt with.  By the way, though, I had to buy a monument for my parents, because my father had left my mother's grave unmarked for a dozen years--as if she were a vampire!  He hadn't been able to decide whether to move her, and didn't want to pay for moving a monument too!  (His caretaker also told me that he hadn't wanted to spend the eight hundred to move my mother...)

This was actually a lot for me to deal with.  I ended up deciding that they'd both compromised:   My mother was in the town where she'd wanted to be buried, but not right beside her FOO.  My father wasn't in the town where he'd wanted to be, but he'd gotten his monument and he was resting beside my mother.

Well, five years after all of this, the husband of my father's second cousin  called me and announced  that my father hadn't wanted to be buried there.  Both this man and the second cousin are incredibly bossy busybodies.  This was not my first encounter with them.  I gave him the whole history, including my mother's wishes.  Then I said,  'There are personal lines which you do not cross."  He said, "That's right."  And I said, "You just crossed a line."  I asked him how he would feel if I called him and said that he should exhumed his parents and move them?   I am sure that he will never speak to me again, and that will be a good thing. 

I am sure this will be the first of various posts about life after my father's death.  He left his estate in such a mess that I have been dealing with people for years.  He gave no thought to me.  He was a Narcissist who impressed those who didn't have to deal with him.  As he aged, he expected total admiration, and so many gave that to him.  I won't write any more about that, because I have so much to say for later.     

[Srcyu]

Unbelievable.
Why on earth some  people take it upon themselves to air their unwanted opinions with others I shall never know. You were incredibly open and attentive to them in a way, with hindsight, they did not deserve.

The bottom line is of course, that they were your parents. Not the parents of the old bossy biddy at the visitation nor the parents of the second cousin's husband.

The time has probably come for grey rocking these interfering people.
Thank them 'for their interest' responses of 'that's so intriguing' and 'thanks for sharing' should be as far as it gets.

[moglow]

That's one of those situations where you kinda give them that sideways look and silence for a moment, then politely say "that's where you decided to go, after all these years? We're doing well thanks." And hang up without another world. It's not up for debate, certainly not after all this time and with this distant cousin.

[countrygirl]

Thank you for your responses "moglow" and "Windmill"!    All of the interactions I had at that time are coming home to roost because we will probably be moving to my family home, and I will be running into various people all of the time.

Though not the old biddy busybody:  Reports are that she's losing her mind, and will probably be in a nursing home soon.  I feel sorry for her, but that doesn't take away from how she treated me.  Also, after the funeral, when some things were put up for sale, per my father's will, she gleefully told my father's caretaker that she just knew I would sell the house the minute I could.  She'd deduced this from her advertisement she'd seen.  Of course, she was wrong.

Also, since that time, I learned that the second cousin and her husband tried very hard to turn my father against me, but he refused to listen to them.  He didn't leave them so much as a pair of old socks in his will.   If I ever hear from these people again, I am tempted to tell them that I know they tried hard to turn him against me.  Probably better just to bring the curtain down on them, though...

[moglow]

Why respond to their drivel at all? They are who they are and nothing to you. anything you say or do will be used against you if they choose - and it doesn't matter. That's their stuff, not yours.

[Srcyu]

country girl,
OMG - that is so hilarious! Not even 'a pair of old socks' made me laugh out loud!

Serves them right.

[countrygirl]

Hi moglow and Windmill,

You are right of course, moglow.   I doubt if I'll ever speak to either of them again anyway, and if I do, it would be best not to confront them.  It is just SO tempting, however, to let them know that I'm aware they tried to turn my father against me.  But I will resist.  You are correct that they would use anything I said against me.

Windmill, the second cousin even asked me about the terms of my father's will, so I told her.  I simply gave her the facts, and the facts were that she and her husband weren't even mentioned.  (Not that there was a whole bunch, but they wanted whatever they could get.)  I must admit that I took pleasure in just madly and directly answering her question.   My father saw right through them.  He was a complicated person, and I was filled with grief AND anger after his death, but he could read people well.  Who knows, it might have been them trying to turn him against me which turned him against them.  You're right:  They deserved it.

[countrygirl]

Hi Srcyu,

I guess I missed your second post on this topic, and wanted to thank you for your response about "a pair of old socks."   You are so right that the cousin and her husband got what they deserved:  nothing.

Was rereading this post because I'm trying to figure out where to put something related.

[Leonor]

Country girl,

I just wanted to share how AMAZING you are, how thoughtfully and pragmatically you've navigated your parents' resting places, and how brilliantly you've responded to all and sundry and their completely irrelevant, out if place, insensitive comments on the whole matter.

You've been clear, strong, and solid ... thinking of you as you navigate these high waters.

[countrygirl]

How wonderful it is to read your thoughtful, empathic note, Leonor! 

I'll tell you, I thought I was "worldly wise" by the time of my father's decline, but how naive I was!  Between people who were swarming around like the proverbial vultures and the distant relatives and so-called friends who told me what I should do, I was gobsmacked!

It reminds me of a great quotation of Lily Tomlin:  "No matter how cynical I become, I can never keep up."

Thank you again, for your generous note!  You've brightened my day!