A suitable age for No Contact?

[Associate of Daniel]

For those of you who have older/adult children with an uNPD ex spouse, at what age would it be ok to go No Contact with the ex?

Or do you think it is best to keep the communication line open for ever?

18 is the legal age to be considered an "adult", but my ds15 will still have a year of school after he turns 18.  And then what about through Uni etc.

Thoughts anyone?

AOD

[Rose1]

I went nc when oldest was about 16. Ex was using her to message between us which was unacceptable. And he used every opportunity to be nasty.

He wouldn't stop so I cut communication except through my mobile. He refused to use my mobile for communication so nc.

I let the girls phone him whenever they wanted but stopped reminding them.

I should add that he rarely wanted to have contact with the girls and left it up to us and others to arrange while he accepted this as his due.

Conversations started to get weird with the girls. Youngest said she didn't want to talk to him anymore. Oldest kept trying. She even went in a trip with him once she wasn18. She said never again. Communication faded until she went nc at age 24 after a nasty incident.
I haven't spoken to him in years. Saw him at his parents funerals (which were predictably chaotic with ex and daughters). He never misses an opportunity for slander and parental alienation so I didnt give him the opportunity .
I didn't think so at the time but have come to appreciate an absent pd. The girls are much better for it.

[hhaw]

AOD:

I don't believe anything you do will calm the step m down.  I think any contact will be leveraged into more boundary transgressions and drama.

Therefore, it's likely you can't mitigate the harm step mum does to your son OR the pressure she puts on yuor ex to pressure you into compliance.   That's a really tough thing to make peace with, but I think it might be true.

What can you do?

You can model healthy coping strategies, acceptance, releasing outcome..... you can put healthy boundaries in place and enforce them......make peace with releasing hope for protecting your son from the ex and sm, then put that story on the shelf. 

As long as you're preoccupied with the ex and his wife, you aren't present and seeking out the joy in front of you.

Every time you waste a moment over the sm and ex..... it's another moment those two have stolen from you.

Haven't they stolen engough?

[PlantFlowersNotWeeds]

My son is 18, so it is easier than if he was young to go NC.

As my knowledge and experience continues to grow, I believe that NC actually makes it easier on my son.  Less drama - and he doesn't feel the tension between his parents when I'm practicing NC.  His dad has his new supply and I'm trying to let go of my anger.

I've had some great exchanges on this site, and recognize that I need to step up my parenting skills with my son - stop any judging/negative comments about his dad.  I think I convinced myself I was doing good with that - but really, I wasn't.   I'm trying to be very neutral yet supportive of my son with his dad.  UGH - that's what a good parent does - it's hard.....  I truly see how this will let my son open up more and help me break the trauma bond.

[JustKeepTrying]

This is a tough one and I can only relate my experience and what my T shared.

He was 17 when I left and it was prior to the pandemic.  He had another year of school as well.  I tried hard to not trash my ex but I wasn't always completely successful - not terrible just not able to completely hold it in so there may have been a few faces or excuse me I need to step out or I will say something moments..  I told my son he could communicate with him and I wouldn't stop that.  I just ensured he attended therapy and stayed out of the way.  We just don't talk about it. 

Side note 1 - my ex kicked my son of his during the pandemic and due to my health and exposure I couldn't take my son in - so he ended up couch surfing for his senior year but he was 18 and considered independent.  He now sees dad rarely - like once every few months for a lunch.

Side note 2 - I never revealed how bad it got before I left and never revealed the physical abuse - but the PTSD flashbacks had grown in frequency and I recently did to my eldest - it didn't end well and she kicked me out - so I struggled mentally and ended up in the hospital - which was the best thing for me at the time.  I mention this so that you make sure you have the right support and you address the issues.  They will come out and it's not pretty.  Now, despite the admission of the physical abuse, I have to deal with the fact that all my kids are traveling together with my ex over the holidays.  Like it never happened.  Hurtful but that is an example of how messy it can get and I will say that my ex and I are NC.  I will no longer discuss this with them and have found other ways to deal with it.

My T's have sent mixed messages - one has said that children only see side and it's not always your side.  When that happens it's not on you - it only goes to demonstrate the effectiveness of the ex's campaign and/or ability to manipulate.  Other T's said to bring it up once - calmly - so that the adult children are not completely unarmed.  That at some point the ex will falter and that story or warning will serve them in the future.

[lkdrymom]

I went NC or as close as I could when my oldest turned 17 and could drive his sister 16 to visit the ex.  There was no need for me to contact him.  Just before our son turned 18 the ex emailed me a long "poor Jimmy" letter detailing how tough his life was and when would child support end, etc.  I didn't respond.  So he harassed our daughter to get me to respond.  So I did and boy was he sorry I did.  I unleashed 15 years of pent up anger at him.  I don't think he ever realized how much I hated him for making my life and the kids' life so miserable for all those years.  That pretty much sealed our NC.  I did see him after son was taken off child support at the probation office to renegotiate support for our youngest.  He wouldn't even ride in the same elevator as me.  He did not show up to son's HS graduation and was only at daughter's for 5 minutes.  He was not invited to son's wedding or daughter's college graduation.  When his mother died he told our daughter he tells people he doesn't have children.  Final nail in the coffin. Kids went NC.

[SeaBreeze]

I haven't spoken to my first husband since DD turned 19 (DD is now 27). There is just literally no reason to speak to ex-uNPDh anymore. (DD doesn't have much of a relationship with him, either, even though she lives in the same town as he does.) If DD has kids someday, then I may have to speak to ex occasionally regarding mutual grandchildren. But I can be civil and polite -- though I'd just prefer not to engage at all.

[Kat54]

My kids are in their 20's and we are about 95% no contact. We don't have any reason to speak. The only time we do is around our kids birthdays.

Both of our kids ask twice a year to have a "family" dinner all together during their birthdays. Our divorce was very hard on my daughter and she stated a few years ago to me "we are still a family, you and dad aren't together but we're still a family right?"
I have no qualms about doing that. And I don't think my ex does either.

I'm sure as they get older, my son is on his way to getting engaged, this will change.

[xredshoesx]

i was in 9th grade the first time i stopped speaking to my mother by my choice

[Poison Ivy]

My children are ages 29 and 31. I have attempted to keep open communication lines with their father, despite that their father has a long history of on-and-off ghosting of me. I encouraged my children to reach out to their father directly about a family wedding (his side of the family) that is to occur tomorrow because I knew that during a family chat conducted via videconference this summer (during which he didn't ghost me), they made tentative plans for him to provide transportation for some of the wedding events. They did reach out to him directly, he is still ghosting me, and I am not addressing any comments to him on our family messaging group.

I'm feeling few, if any, regrets these days about ending the marriage. This stuff is humiliating and exhausting.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks everyone, for your replies.

I don't think I will have any difficulties blocking uNPD exH and his uNPD wife when my ds turns 19 (at the end of his final school year).

I guess I'm thinking more in terms of what events we would have to attend together.

uNPD exH seems to think that we would both attend Ds's 16th (in a few weeks), 18th, 21st and 30th birthdays.  We have never celebrated Ds's birthdays together. Why start now?

I get that the above birthdays are special but is there any reason why we should suddenly start celebrating with one event, rather than the 2 that we have always done?

18th, maybe.  21st is a stronger probability.

Then of course the wedding, if ds chooses to get married.  And grandchildren etc.

My thinking is that as ds gets older and maybe has a partner and children, it's entirely up to him how he wants to celebrate these things, and entirely up to him to manage the situation in the best ways for him and his family.

I don't think I'd have a problem saying 'hi' to uNPD exH on these occasions, but no more than that.  His uNPD wife is a whole other kettle of fish, on the other hand.  I simply don't know how to handle her in public.

AOD

[JustKeepTrying]

This walking the line is hard so here is my suggestion and I think you are already there - he will be 18 - it's his choice where or who he will celebrate it.  For example, my son will turn 21 soon.  He will be on a family trip with my xOCPDh - and I'm ok with that because I know in the end what he wants is the trip and the ex is part of it.  It's all his choice and my role is to honor his choice.  Same for any future events.  He is capable of making those choices and I need to be enough of an adult to be open to honor what he chooses. 

I think the age of 16 and 17 - those birthdays - is the perfect to opportunity that.

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks, JKT.  My thoughts exactly.

AOD