FOO always ignored me

[escapingman]

I have been analysing my FOO for some time time now whilst I have got Out of the FOG with my covert uNPDstbx. I am not sure if I am able to accurately tell who is what, but there is one thing they all do - they completely ignore anything I ask for. They often say yes to my request and then do the opposite. This just came to a head now as I found out my dad hasn't done something very important I asked him to do. I told him about how manipulative and nasty uNPDmil is and that she and STBX use social media to spy on me and to twist anything posted and try to use in the court case. He replied oh no she is so nice, that can't be true. I told him it is and that I wanted him to remove her as a friend on a well know social media platform. This was during the summer, when I now just remembered that I looked it up and he has not removed her. This is really upsetting me I just feel the same old feeling of being walked all over. In the past he always used to arrange things to do and people to see, but he never told me about it so being with him was always very anxious as he could suddenly just pull up on some ones drive (mostly his sister) and say we were going there for a coffee and then we were sitting there for hours. My sister has taken over that bad habit and used to do the same, as soon as I was sitting in the car and we were on the way somewhere she always tried to put in an extra stop at another relative I didn't want to see and she got really sulky if I ever said no and often still drove there and said we only need to stay for 5 minutes. I also have a few clear memories from very recently of my mother doing the same, my girls where going to stay with her for a few days and she was planning to cook a specific dish, very heavy going, and the girls wasn't that hungry so I asked her to give them something else and then give them that heavy dish the day after. She agreed and smiled no problems, just for me to later find out that her new husband still wanted the dish so she cooked that anyway which upset the girls and in the end me as well. When I had a fall out with my dad over him shouting at me for not wanting to spend time with his new partner (overt narc) I told him that I was upset and that I didn't want him to see my children the next day, I told my mother of this as well. The next day my mother and sister took the girls to the play ground, I had a feeling about what was going on so when I went there to spy on them my dad was there with them.

I am pretty sure my mum is a covert narc, my sister possible also a narc, my dad is definitely co dependant and his partner overt narc. In all of this you can see why I am invisible and my needs are just put to the bottom of everybody's pile. I really have had enough of trying to fit in with them, but I am scared of cutting them all off. I know I have to as every time I see them I get hurt and upset.

[SonofThunder]

Hi EM,

I suggest you can use your own writing to understand the pattern of these situational 'ignoring' experiences and then rework them in proper boundaries for your future. I suggest they didn't ignore you at all, but rather heard you clearly, but purposefully controlled their own actions to feed themselves and counter you, because they are set up by you to easily do the opposite. 

"I ask for....They often say yes to my request and then do the opposite".  (Dont ask, but make decisions for you and your kids, that remove the PD's ability to control)

"I told him....it is and that I wanted him to remove her as a friend on a well know social media platform " (Dont tell, but make decisions for you and your kids, that remove the PD's ability to control)

"I asked her....to give them something else and then give them that heavy dish the day after. She agreed and smiled no problems, just for me to later find out that her new husband still wanted the dish so she cooked that anyway which upset the girls and in the end me as well. " (same)

I told him....that I didn't want him to see my children the next day, I told my mother of this as well. The next day my mother and sister took the girls to the play ground, I had a feeling about what was going on so when I went there to spy on them my dad was there with them (same)

If your redesign with proper boundaries, you wont feel 'ignored' but rather self-controlled. 

SoT

[escapingman]

I have pretty good control of the relation with mum and my sister as I kind of know how to tackle them. The biggie is my dad, and he is the only one not suspected to be a PD but deep in the FOG with his PD spouse. The real danger is that anything I tell him, he tells her, and she has painted me black AND has a route to STBX. That frighten me as I have no idea what damage she could make if she wants to, but it's out of my control so I have to do damage limitation which means keep my dad on an arms length.

Thanks for your reply SoT.

[SonofThunder]

I have pretty good control of the relation with mum and my sister as I kind of know how to tackle them. The biggie is my dad, and he is the only one not suspected to be a PD but deep in the FOG with his PD spouse. The real danger is that anything I tell him, he tells her, and she has painted me black AND has a route to STBX. That frighten me as I have no idea what damage she could make if she wants to, but it's out of my control so I have to do damage limitation which means keep my dad on an arms length.

Thanks for your reply SoT.

You are welcome.  You wrote "anything I tell him...".  In those situations, PD or no PD, I dont tell...Problem solved. 

Tell your T instead?  Tell us instead?

SoT

[escapingman]

You are welcome.  You wrote "anything I tell him...".  In those situations, PD or no PD, I dont tell...Problem solved. 

Tell your T instead?  Tell us instead?

SoT

I won't tell him anything at the moment, he is trying to get to come here for a weekend jolly but I am not having him at the moment. I would confront him about his PD spouse and that would be a fight I really could do without right now.

[mary_poppins]

Typical dysfunctional family. So sorry you were given this burden in life.

You said you are too scared to cut them off. I am, too but then again, I am thinking like this: it is way scarier to let time pass me by and end up in 10 years still in touch with them, completely miserable and with new mental health issues down the line. Plus, missed opportunities, toxic relationships and very low self-esteem. That kind of life is way scarier for me than the decision to no contact.

I found that virtual support groups are pivotal in weaning off our toxic families. The more I talk to people who have taken the steps to cut their parents out, the easier it feels to take this step as well.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Escapingman,

Once we realize our parents are woefully immature for their age, it takes a bit of time to sort out what to do. Don't feel pressure to decide anything quickly. About NC for example.

Some people stay low contact some are very low contact and as you know some go no contact. In each case, people work out and determine what relationship they want with their parent, if any. It takes time.

Since the parent is emotionally immature, the adult child has to make these decisions without the parent understanding much about what is going on. The immature parent only sees life through their myopic lens.

They have real limits on how much they can offer their adult children by way of a healthy dynamic.

Recognizing they are not going to be in the role of your comrade or supporter or confidante or team member or friend to you, it is hard. You might find a place for them in your life, you might not. You may decide that no amount of contact feels safe to you.

Emotionally immature parents do not reliably address their kids needs. They have developmentally  not reached the ability to do so reliably. They cause their children tons of anxiety and confusion and hurt because they do what works for them. The child is left wondering what is going to happen next. As a child that was inescapable for many of us. We were too young to escape. But you are escapingman. You have a lot to offer yourself as you reflect on your past and what you needed back when you were younger, and what you need today.

If your dad is deep in denial, as what you describe sounds like denial, then your relationship with him will be based on what you can afford. You're already on your way. You know you can't afford to devote time to recovering from a blow up with him. You've got bigger things going on.

It's really hard when our parents live in denial and it's important that you know that his denial won't affect your inside work that you are doing with your own recovery and journey to healing. His denial is his.

Trees

[escapingman]

Thanks for your replies, it is so much harder to accept something something is off with FOO than STBX and her family.

I got another tick in the box for not bothering with them all. When I was back visiting them in the summer, and we got the covid scare, my mum complained we didn't see her - despite us thinking we had covid. But when we went to see her she had left town with her husband to go to their summer place. That was my fault for not telling them we were coming appantly, but had I told them they would still have been away. So I told her if she wants to see us she can come to ours (she has not visited us for almost 10 years), but she,said she is so busy she don't have time. Nice to know she is to busy whilst I am going through my toughest time ever. Now I found out she has been on a spa weekend with my sister, much easier that than offer help to someone in need of support. I think I get it and I just don't bother with them anymore.

[escapingman]

That shows me how much attention my dad actually pays to me and what I say. Last time he was here he brought some candy for the kids as always, it is one type he always bring that neither of the girls like (but STBX does). As STBX always wanted that particular candy we never said the girls didn't like it. I told him now that they don't like it and please don't buy it again. So guess what, he sent some candy in the post, and guess which candy, in the big picture it's not a biggie but it just shows how little attention he pays to anything I say. I am getting sick of him putting all his energy and attention to his uPD spouse and my sister (I don't see her enough so can't put my finger on what's up with her but I suspect some kind of PD as she def has some traits).

I watched a video on youtube about HSP and childhood trauma, I recognised a lot in it. Although it wasn't any abuse in my child hood but surely emotional neglect from both my parents, I never really felt like I belonged in their type of life, even less now. They do everything the same, over and over, every birthday is celebrated exactly the same as the last, every Christmas exactly like the last. I feel sick of the entire FOO and just feel I want to cut them all out one way or another. My sister always tries to get me to see everyone dragging me round like some kind of trophy, look who is in town, then we just sit at various relatives and do absolutely nothing and only talk about the weather.

I am kind of stuck in freeze mode with no support in my divorce and they all just continue their lives like nothing is happening. The realisation that FOO don't care is almost harder to accept than the divorce itself. Oh well, I just need to shake this off and find a new support network, which isn't the easiest as I have been so isolated by STBX where we live.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Escapingman,

Yep. When I think back, to the hardest times in my life - where were my FOO??? No where to be found.

Your mom going to the spa while you are in the midst of this divorce stress is very familiar territory to me, and probably a lot of us here. I am really sorry you are not better supported by them, but glad you found your way to this site.

I've been hospitalized a few times for (thankfully) minor medical events. Not one visit from a concerned relative. Ever. For them, that is "family"? What a joke. Their idea of "family" is a joke to me now.

But YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. I got through those times and "support" from those narcs wasn't there at all. Some of them would even do some sort of drive-by drama to make my life even harder when my chips were down! It can be hard to believe that there are people who are that selfish. But there are.

You are going to keep getting through this time. The crap I endured at times, with no FOO around to help, it's crazy to think back on it now - but mostly what I see (when looking back) is my determination to do it despite a bunch of selfish FOO. You are going to get through this. 

Trees

[escapingman]

Thanks trees,

I haven't seen my daughter for 6 months, I spent thousands on legal help, I have another hearing shortly were the social worker has recommended I don't have any contact with her. What do I get? A message from my dad saying he will give me some money for a bottle of whisky for my birthday and then goes on telling me all is fine with him and his PD spouse. I really have had enough of zero care from FOO, not even a question how things are even though he should know what going on as I told him but he went into lala-land giving all his energy towards my sister and his PD spouse. My mum keep posting pictures of her simple life on social media acting like everything is fine, which it is for her as she don't care. She is posting all these quotes and articles about how people need to care about each other and be nice, but she doesn't care at all. She posted something that really got my goat up the other week, the message was to make sure you spend time with your elderly parents whilst you can as one day they will be gone. It's so hypocritical as she is always to busy and last time she came to see me was over 8 years ago. 

[Big Bear]

Greetings Escaping Man,

It seems like your FOO has not been all that they could have been for you.  I am so sorry to hear how unsympathetic they have been as you navigate this challenging season in life.  I have been following your posts and I couldn't imagine going through such a tough season as you have and getting so little compassion from your parents.

I would encourage you to limit your exposure to what your parents post on social media.  Is there a way that you could block their posts?  They seem to do little good and seem to actually have quite a negative effect.  Maybe you could limit how often you view their social media.
For example, choose to view them only once a month.  "OK, this is my one viewing for this month.  I survived it!  Now I can have a month of peace!"  What you choose is ultimately up to you to decide.  This is just a suggestion, my two cents worth.  Take it or leave it.  I can say though that it has helped me enormously. 

Personally, my FOO is on my "social media diet".  I don't look at any of their posts and this helps me stay healthy.  I believe that if anything big happens, like they move or go to the hospital, that I would find out through some channel.  In fact, I did get a call last time one of my parents ended up at the hospital even though it was a minor incident.  I also limit my exposure to my parents to one phone call per month.  This is just what works for me.  Not that everyone needs to be this low contact.  It does help me keep the right mind set.  Some people have higher frequency of contact or lower frequency of contact, (or even no contact) it just depends on the situation.  Regardless of what the target frequency is, having a specific goal for contact really helps me maintain a level of communication that I can (mostly) safely manage.  I'm thinking of you.  Hang in here EM!

Again, I am just sharing my personal experience.  What you choose is totally up to you.  This is your decision to make.  I am thinking of you and genuinely hope the best for you!

your friend,
Big Bear

[escapingman]

Thanks Big Bear.

Regarding the social media posts I am fine seeing them, they actually keep reminding me to not reach out to them and keep me safe from their rejections. I do want to confront them, but I have zero bandwidth for an argument with them right now due to my court case. It makes me very sad though to realise that FOO isn't there in a crisis and it will be hard to forgive them going forward (PD's or not). TBH they would probably do more damage than good if they were present right now as I would have to look after them rather than the opposite.