Struggling

[lostoctopus]

I'm reaching out to this community because I'm really struggling and I could use some support.
I've been struggling with the relationship with my partner for many years and just recently, due to some outside perspective, I realized (or at least admitted to myself) that a lot of her behaviours are not okay and possibly even emotionally abusive. Digging deeper I read into BPD and although she is not diagnosed, I believe she may be living with BPD. I'm really struggling to validate my own feelings and thoughts about everything, I'm constantly second guessing myself. Taking stock and looking at the past these are some of the things I've realized:

I disclosed something personal to her earlier on in our relationship which caused her to react with controlling and jealousy, she accuses me of things frequently that I am not doing sometimes it can be quite hurtful. At one point I made a mistake and hurt her and this has never been forgotten, frequently brought up despite apologies and multiple fights and conversations. Anytime I hurt her she has difficulty forgiving or letting go and it is often a brought up multiple times or frequently. Her mood is unpredictable and often taken out on myself.
When I bring up my feelings about hurt she has caused it is not met with empathy. Arguments are not resolved. Usually during conflict at some point each party calm down, sees, or tries to see, the others point of view and empathizes to some degree, this never happens. During conflict she will sometimes yell, swear, mock, use sarcasm.
I am a passive quiet person, my reactions to her have changed over the years ranging from me trying to change my behaviour, do whatever she needs to avoid conflict, when the constant accusations became to much I escalated to yelling during our arguments, and now I'm at the point where I realize nothing I say, or the way I say it changes anything so now I just listen. I listen to her rage about her feelings and how I have hurt her and what I have done wrong in the relationship. The last five or so "conversations" we have had about some recent issues have largely been me listening to her do this for at least an hour. I'm afraid to voice my thoughts or feelings to her, I literally can't think clearly enough anymore to do so, this is leading to more conflict and tension because my inability to communicate is creating more problems due to not explaining myself fully regarding boundaries etc. When I try to say something to defend myself against accusations or hurtful comments, I'm told I'm making up excuses or invalidating her feelings.
When she does bring up things I have said or feelings I have expressed to her it's almost with contempt, or brushed off like it doesn't matter that she hurt me. She has even said that the way I hurt her in the past is way worse then what she has done to me.
It's really hard to capture what I have experienced in the last several years. I've found myself depressed and anxious. I have disengaged from family and friendships. I walk on egg shells not knowing when she will be in a bad mood or when she will make an accusatory comment or start a conflict.
I have asked multiple times for relationship counselling over the  past few years, which she has declined until very recently. She did about a year ago agree to go to for herself counselling, and I went to counselling for myself as well. Even though she has now agreed to relationship counselling , she does not seem very motivated to go. Finding a counsellor has been pretty much left up to me as well as contacting them. She tells me she has looked but hasn't found one she wants to see, but she has agreed to a couple I have found. I'm holding on to hope that relationship counselling will help us see each others perspectives and learn to communicate and trust, but there is this gut feelings that it won't and that she won't change. I'm starting to question the relationship a lot.

I guess I'd like some input if possible on my experience and also if anyone has found relationship counselling helpful in the past?

Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

[bloomie]

Hi lostoctopus and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am really thankful you found us and have reached out for support to this amazing community.

What you are describing - the atmosphere in your relationship - sounds very hard to hold up under. When I first found myself here, I came for the difficulties in my marriage. We had had both individual and couples therapy.

Couples counseling helped us learn some communication tools, it helped me to know I was not so isolated and that my partner has accountability other than me for their harmful choices, but I will say that with my own partner - he is a person that easily evokes a strong response from 'healers' who seem compelled to help and heal him. After a bit the therapy really became all about him and helping him. And this was with more than one therapist. I got lost in the mix and we could only move forward so far with couples therapy.

I can say that the thing that really made a difference, over time, for me in my own relationship with a partner who has a lot of disordered traits is me moving to a emotionally neutral position and beginning to work on my own healing. Shifting my focus from him to what I can control, change, cure... and that is always and only me.

That looked like living out my core values and boundaries around what does and does not work for me in intimate relationship. For example, I do not allow myself to be verbally abused as I sit quietly waiting until the latest storm has passed. Like I did for far too long. I am 100% responsible to communicate, at a time that is not a conflict, that going forward I will be calmly removing myself from the situation if the verbal interaction becomes disrespectful and that I will be back, but I am taking a break. And I have done that. Every single time.

And my partner is 100% responsible to manage the emotional trigger that may be for him and if unable to get the help he needs to cope with his outsized emotions.

Did I get push back as I determined going forward I was focused on healing, health, empowerment and to create an atmosphere around my life that is rooted in dignity, mutual respect, and civility? You had better believe I did. Did I falter and regress to old ways at times? Yep! But, I was determined to stop building my life on shifting sand. I welcomed my partner to come with me and make the climb to a more stable place with me, knowing he might not.

Thankfully, my getting healthy and rebuilding - which at first felt like abandonment and rejection to my partner, became something he wanted for himself. We are a work in progress, but a lot of good change has taken place in our relationship. But, as you will see with others that is not always the outcome to us changing and growing stronger.

I don't know you.. but, I would say from the bit you share here that you are at an important crossroads. More so in your relationship with yourself than possibly the relationship with your partner. I am thankful you will have the benefit of those here in the community who are in similar stages of recovering their lives from the dysfunction of another.

The toolbox is a place I cannot recommend more. There are also great book recommendations and other online resources. Join the conversations on the boards when you are ready. You are not alone!

[lostoctopus]

Thank you user and bloomie for your responses you've both giving me some great information, I've checked out the Toolbox and there's some great resources there. No-JADE especially! I am also going to be focusing on my own well being more now and work toward becoming healthier for myself. I found a relationship counsellor for early November so we will see. I will post updates. Thanks again!