UPD MIL is progressively getting worse and I need guidance

[hellslilangel]

I don't even know where to really begin and I'm on mobile so please forgive me for any weird formatting.

I've looked at the resources here and I'm so thankful for new tips and tricks to handle my mother in law. My husband even when we were just dating always referred to her as being unhinged and annoying. His exactly two descriptions of her. She lived on the other side of the country (USA) so we rarely saw her being she is bad with money so limited travel.

She is definitely odd. I just never paid her much mind and at points felt bad because my husband and brother in law always seemed annoyed. Looking back now I see red flags I missed because previously I was in an abusive relationship with a dude who had untreated but diagnosed bipolar.

Everything must revolve around her. This got way more intense after we got engaged and married then escalated once we had our child. Any mention of our wedding is turned into a convo about her medical saga during it. I'll be honest I have no proof either way if the medical issues were truly occurring or not. Oh and during my pregnancy she of course had many medical issues herself. I voiced to my husband and friends and family it came off like she was jealous of me being pregnant and was making my pregnancy about her. I also had a scare early on and she tried to convince me to stop working out and I told her every medical professional said the opposite. Now I realize her anger stems from me accidentally and unknowingly questioning her intelligence.

She made this bizarre comment how she never missed her grandson until she was moving back to the state we are in (she lived here previously but moved after she divorced my husband's dad). She constantly tells me the same 9 stories about how prestigious she was as a child and how talented and beautiful she was. She brings up her "many engagements" and in the same breath tells me that I'm so attractive and she is fat and ugly. It makes me beyond uncomfortable.

She has routinely done the narcissistic fallout/meltdown over some ridiculous things (one because Covid restrictions no one could reverse and even though myself, my husband and brother in law all said we wanted to talk about something else when she called because that was beyond our control she only targeted me in posts where she never named me but it was obviously about me). Eventually she just popped back in with some weird text how she missed us all yadda yadda. I was pregnant at the time and just didn't have the energy to pick battles or give much of a care to her behavior.

So to the nitty gritty of it all with the recently meltdown and my pleas for assistance on navigating this now and the future. She moved back after her married boyfriend died. No one was aware of the affair until she told me and then demanded I tell my husband and brother in law because she was too scared. It repulsed me. I have since then asked her to stop bringing him up because I don't approve of that lifestyle choice. It's sad honestly because as he was dying she was already making moves to move back so it just showed me how once his wallet dried up (this man was loaded I feel guilty about the money he gave us frequently not knowing he was married) she abandoned him.

She has made multiple comments about if I feel safe having a c section again because she couldn't do a c section and how she had her son's vaginally. It truly comes across like my birthing story is null and void and that she has tried to control the children amount we have based on her feelings revolving around c sections.

She never offered me anything when she stayed a few times after my child was born. She offered my husband naps and did his laundry and cleaned dishes (while also diagnosing me with PPD because I didn't do dishes two days back to back and got pissy when I said no dr who was monitoring me has concluded I suffered with PPD). I had a migraine one day and sadly my husband did too and she only offered him a nap! I was laying on the couch nauseous and brought up my head and she never once offered. All she did was sit there and jaw on about how she suffers migraines and can't forgive herself to passing those onto my husband then told my newborn he would have a rough life with them too.

She has mentioned how I took her son away and eventually some woman would take my son away from me. I just stayed quiet because that was so unnecessary. It's even more wild when you account that she got divorced had possible infidelity (there is one confirmed affair and two possible ones for reference) with my husband's dad and moved across the country away from her kids. Eventually when they could voice their choices they both stopped living with her. My husband mentioned she was overbearing and wouldn't let him be alone so he rarely was home but she never actively paid attention where he even was. Sightly off topic but just some background into how little she involved herself in their lives. She moved to look cool living in some classy city and spending her time trying to land a higher education job (this has never happened not posting her job for reasons but she hates where she is and has mentioned because she had kids it hindered her career in academia).

She has mentioned how she still can't understand how her oldest (brother in law) had to attention summer school to graduate because "he is/was too smart to be in that". She never attended graduations or birthdays because she was chasing her dreams.

Since her move back she has been incredibly draining and constantly asking someone to be around her. I work and care for our child and I spent my free time assisting her in getting to job interviews and apartment interviews until she had a car and the legal paperwork to own it and then I dipped out. I hadn't seen my close friend in over a month and wanted a break. She apparently called my husband and complained I don't spend time with her or talk to her when that is false and I deserve to have my space. She eventually stopped it since her job started and it takes up most of the week. She also eventually called my husband and complained about this job and her apartment and it just made me feel worthless. I spent my free time helping her find housing and employment when I could have been on a playground. I did eventually tell her I am no longer available to help her out because she didn't appreciate what I helped her with; this didn't go over well.

Retrospectively I noticed a few things and I'm alarmed. She isn't a dog person but I have suspicions she has tried to harm our dog via me. We live in the country and get bugs inside. During a visit she didn't sleep the entire night (this is reoccurring even though she supposedly has sleeping meds) because she had diagnosed herself with a roach allergy and researched how to get rid of them and boric acid was the best method she found. She kept saying it wasn't harmful to pets or kids and the frequency she mentioned that made me research and alas it is toxic and she knows our dog is nosey and gets into everything. I felt like this was on purpose to harm my dog. Boric acid also has an extensive clean up procedure and is on the EPA hazardous waste list which is on the first page of Google. She had to have seen this and was trying to get me to harm our dog accidentally because she doesn't like being followed by her even though she gives her food constantly and complains she is begging. It's mind blowing.

This leads into her new found dog hair allergy and she got defensive when I said I was surprised because the sheets she was sleeping on were clean and our dog never lays on them. She still complained and my husband drove her to Walmart to get a new pillow and blanket that she has been on visits since and our dog has been on and she never mentioned it again. She also got defensive because I brought up a visit from our previously rental where she slept on our bed while we were on an air mattress and she was on sheets our dog slept on and never had an issue. I told her to take an allergy pill or to stop coming over or complaining because our dog will continue to live here. Our dog doesn't even bother our child's toys minus eating every crumb dropped; she is a good dog.

My mother in law continuously ignored my husband asking her to stop talking about death and dying and calling our child's highchair a "torture device" or a "baby containment device" because it's bizarre and unsettling. I have debated since if she brings up suicidal thoughts calling the non-emergency line and just asking for some help. She lives alone and has had bad binges with alcohol according to my husband that he recalls from his childhood.

So now she is on her socials (I have her blocked on mutual ones) and without naming me saying she is writing a story about a difficult person in her life and she kills them in her story. My husband confronted her about that and she denied it was about me and I'm being sensitive and it's someone else but didn't mention who. Frankly if it is not about me (doubtful) it's concerning she is publishing violent fantasies online and I have screen shots because I have located two so far. This cements further my desire to never allow her alone with my child ever again. She is writing how she is dealing with a narcissist (she has said this about me without naming me online in meltdowns prior) and how I am turning people against her and spreading rumors. She also has been bringing up being abused now and it is clearly aimed at me. This is clear projection of what she is doing to me. I know she mentally cannot view herself in the wrong and this is a battle that is always going to meltdown.

She has stated none of us can be in her life anymore/right now. And dramatically hung up the phone and has now found a new group of friends (she does this anytime she fights against us when we raise concerns about her behavior).

One of the other final straws was overhearing her at my child's birthday saying they had a secret from me and I almost lost it there but I did not. I confronted her privately about that and how she is crossing boundaries as a grandmother and has lost her privileges of being alone with our child.

My husband sides with me. I am looking for guidance on how to navigate the next random pop in she will eventually do. I'm thinking Thanksgiving or Christmas I managed to not hear from her on my birthday thankfully. Since I've seen her namelessly suggest online I'm abusive to her, a raging narcissist and someone on her hit list should I confront her why she would want to rekindle with me if she believes me to be these things? Or would that be a poor choice? We are strong in our position of no unsupervised time and she can stay salty since she is the only grandparent with that rule but no one else is behaving like her!

Add ons:

The one time she let me sleep and watched our child the moment I was awake and holding my baby she just left because "she was so busy and had so much class planning to do" and just dipped.

When I tried encouraging her after she got stressed about her new job she didn't even acknowledge it and complained how hard it was to grocery shop at Walmart because people chatted her.

She has made off comments about her sons being good at sex and bought my husband and I some sex book for our wedding. Would I be an asshole throwing those out? I don't even even to donate them.

She always has to announce her blood pressure medicine and how it works and all her blood pressure issues every single time she takes it which is a daily pill.

This one makes me feel crazy but I swear she use to fake sneeze around my child when they would be sleeping as a newborn. As if she was trying to wake him up.

When she would be over and my child would wake to feed (I exclusively breastfed and my child wouldn't take a bottle) she would get him and begrudgingly hand him over and the entire time I would be nursing in the middle of the night she would be right there discussing how my house was making her sick and all her allergy issues.

Also to jump back to her being weird with our dog she would tell our dog it was because of my husband that she wasn't allowed snacks from her. He did tell her that but our dog has her own snacks available to be gifted and she was told where they were and I just asked to be told if she gave her any so I didn't give her extra because we have been told to watch our dog's weight by her vet.

I have concerns that she may have a suicidal attempt as means to try to get one of her sons to take her in and I am not going to allow that in my home. She has multiple times tried to move in with us (my husband shut that down) and his brother (also shot that down). Has anyone here navigated this situation? She will guilt trip (she does with my husband a lot) if she is put in a home. She constantly brings up hating aging and wishes she died young.

She frequently uses big words anytime she talks and either gifts us with the definition or just keeps using it and seems to be fishing for one of us to ask her what it means (mostly medical terminology or scientific terminology). I have found some narcissistic people do this to look really intelligent.

Thank you for even reading all of this it's hard condensing 10 years worth of events into a post. I am rather convinced she may show covert narcissistic tendencies. Unless she is put in a program because she loses medical rights and has no choice in being diagnosed I don't see her willingly seeking mental health help.

[bloomie]

hellslilangel - whew!!! That is a lot of toxic stuff attempting to flow through the middle of your life/home/relationships.

You ask for guidance... this is the most important distinction I have ever made for myself in the midst of the swirl of ridiculousness, angst producing, and toxic behaviors that my own in laws brought my way: I am my husband's wife, my children mother. The. End.

I am not their family. My own in laws have directly said that many times throughout the years in painful, deliberately invalidating ways and at strategic times. I am my DH's family and the emotional and spiritual center of our family together with him.   

Based upon my own core values I am only required to be civil and polite to my in laws as my husband's wife and my children's mother. I do not (with one exception on a very limited basis) host them in my safe space (my home), speak with them on the phone, have one on one conversations with them - ever, rescue them from their ongoing drama seeking pseudo emergencies or self diagnosed, self proclaimed ailments for which there is zero evidence of, I do not engage in helping them directly (I may arrange certain services for an elderly in law by a neutral 3rd party if a need arises), I do not go to their homes, I do not engage on SM, I do not speak of anything beyond the depth of a teaspoon with them at the weddings/funerals types events where we might all be. They are all on a strict information diet about our life in every aspect.

Your mil does not in anyway you describe seem like a safe or trustworthy person for you and your little one to be in close proximity to.  If she claims she is considering self harm... your DH can call emergency services for her. Every single time.

There is an old saying around the boards..."drop the rope" which is a life skill that we develop that means you can only have a tug of war with someone if you hold onto the other side of the rope. It seems like your DH is on to his mother and wise to her ways. Let him deal with everything to do with her if at all possible.

There are some people, no matter their familial tie to our spouse, who we have to determinedly and calmly move to the furthest levels of connection because up close to the center of our lives they have proven, by consistently disordered and disruptive behaviors over time, to be a risk to the heart and soul of our family.

You get to determine how, when, if you will spend any amount of your precious time with your mil and what that would need to look like. You get to determine what does and does not work for you in all of this.

[Cat of the Canals]

I got goose bumps reading your post -- there are a few incidents that mirror my own PDmil EXACTLY. I don't think I'll ever stop being surprised at how often these identical behaviors come up.

And I think bloomie nailed it when it comes to handling all future interactions with her:

Based upon my own core values I am only required to be civil and polite to my in laws as my husband's wife and my children's mother. I do not (with one exception on a very limited basis) host them in my safe space (my home), speak with them on the phone, have one on one conversations with them - ever, rescue them from their ongoing drama seeking pseudo emergencies or self diagnosed, self proclaimed ailments for which there is zero evidence of, I do not engage in helping them directly (I may arrange certain services for an elderly in law by a neutral 3rd party if a need arises), I do not go to their homes, I do not engage on SM, I do not speak of anything beyond the depth of a teaspoon with them at the weddings/funerals types events where we might all be. They are all on a strict information diet about our life in every aspect.

You asked whether you should confront her. And I think there are times when directly addressing certain boundaries is appropriate (such as: anything to do with the immediate safety of you or any member of your family). But confronting her about her vaguebook posts is probably only giving her exactly what she wants. DRAMA. (A lot of PDs would prefer being idolized and worshipped, but if they can't have that, they will accept fighting and animosity instead.) Especially since she didn't name you, my guess is she'd play the, "What makes you think I was talking about you?" game. I don't think there's anything won by addressing this with her. Don't take the bait. Don't feed the troll. Show her just how inconsequential she and her opinions are to you by ignoring it.

[hellslilangel]

Bloomi - thank you so much for responding. I'm sure this is normal but I've been frequently doubting myself and even gaslighting myself that I'm making this all up and I'm imagining a lot of these situations incorrectly. I'm slowly realizing I'm not and my MIL is very calculating and manipulative.

Prior to meeting my husband I was in a very abusive relationship (sought therapy) and I'm open about that and sadly means my MIL knows and most likely has been using that situation to abuse me further knowing I have been a target previously. It sucks. Now I know I can't divulge anything to her ever and will need to discuss with my husband not speaking on me or our child beyond surface level information.

I actually talked to my own mom about your reply and she really liked your point of view. My mom has been on my side and has been holding me back from lashing out.

I started to wake up from the FOG when I got home from my shift and my husband told me that his mom had call to say I'm avoiding her and ignoring her and she can't figure out why. It's clear she has been trying to cause a rift between my husband and I (it's not working) but he told me I needed to tell her my boundaries and I did and now we are here with her behavior.

She is incredibly untrustworthy because I've caught her in lies (never called her on them just kept mental notes about them) so why can she be trusted alone with a child who cannot speak yet? I can't trust her to truly tell me if anything went wrong. I got bad feelings when I've been around her with our child because it's clear as day she thinks she is getting some mom do-over and absolutely no she is not and I have refused any of her mothering advice she has given.

She has already tried to weasel into picking schools and even stated she can help me homeschool (I was for a chunk of my life so I know the ins and outs) and I don't need her to help at all. I have my own mom who I have a very healthy relationship with to assist me.

Cat - I absolutely hear you on keeping myself silent to taking her bait. My husband confronted her about the posts and she asap played the victim and accused me of being sensitive and creating drama. He believes the posts are about me but we can't prove anything which is her entire game. We are ignoring her so she is trying to get negative attention because she can't stand not being the center of everything and we have our own life now. She wants me to break because she viewed me a weak from the jump. I've been in two domestic abusive relationships in my lifetime and I'm open about those so she sees someone she can toy with. It's sadistic. I don't know any other way to word it and it a depressing that does describe her behavior.

I'm really sorry you have dealt with any situation similar to mine. I'm sorry you have a similar MIL. I hope you are coping and healing well.

[myself]

Wow. I wholeheartedly agree with everything bloomie and cat said.

Here is a super short summary of what helped me get perspective, thanks to the wisdom of folks here:
Make a list of the boundary breaches involving your child, then also list any weird or just plain unsettling things she has said or done to, about, or in front of your child. (Your original post alone has enough to go on!) Now imagine someone else did those things. Would you let them babysit? Would you hang out with them? Or would you drop them like a hot rock?

You can absolutely do the same for yourself and your DH, but a child is always the most vulnerable person in any situation and as parents you get to be in control of who they get exposed to.

There's only two options here:
1. Your MIL is a sane adult who is aware of her actions and what is or is not appropriate, or
2. She is not.
If option one, does her behaviour fit the pattern of a person you want to have involved in your family life? Is she a safe person to have around your child?
If option two, then maybe you and your DH need to discuss some very clearly defined obligations for care and boundaries to set, but still, is she a safe person to have around your child? Or around you?

In my experience, we have never been able to ensure the emotional safety of our children in the presence of my uNPDmil, no matter how hard we supervised, because no boundaries we put in place can prevent her from opening her mouth and doing damage before we can stop her.

As far as the dog, trust your gut and your rational judgement, which you outlined pretty clearly above. We had a similar situation that did actually result in the death of a farm animal, and my MILs gloating and complete lack of concern, in spite of her talking all the time about how she loves animals, convinced me beyond any doubt that on the inside she is not like the rest of us. She came out looking smarter than someone else, and that was all that mattered to her. And a person whose conscience allows them to do anything so long as they get their own way can never be safe.

[notrightinthehead]

In addition to what others have written,  If you haven't already,  study the Toolbox. Especially medium chill and grey rock. Read up on boundaries. Stop reading her posts. Block her on every channel for a while . You seem to be able to tolerate abusive behaviour.  Get some distance until you can think clearly again and she occupies much less space in your mind. Focus on what is good for you and your family of choice.  Maybe you can also find support in real life such as CoDA or a good trauma therapist. You are a mother. Your mental and emotional health is important, not only for yourself but also your family.  Anybody who endangers it, needs to be banned from your inner circle.

[Leonor]

Hello, Angel!

I absolutely empathize with you and want to join in the chorus of healing women with disordered and dangerous mother in laws.

I'm going to take a slightly different take on this, if you are open to it: setting these boundaries with MIL is not your job. Protecting your child and animals from MIL is not your job. Protecting your safe space and home is not your job. Creating space and openness and safety and room to grow and blossom as a family is not your job.

All of that is your husband's job.

There is no reason why mommy should be doling out naps, folding laundry, and babysitting for a grown €#@ man, no matter how sane and stable she may be.

And after the baby was born? Borne by whom, exactly? He did not grow another human being in his uterus and turn his insides out bringing that human being into this world and then nourish that human being into toddlerhood.

It's great, it's a huge plus, that your dh is aware of his mother's issues. But it's not about having your back or being on your side - it's about standing in front of you and your child, and saying, "I'm not tolerating this from you or anyone" when his mother even sniffs in your direction. To spread poison all over his home, where his wife sleeps and baby crawls and dog plays? What in the actual?!?

You've got some fire in your belly, hellslilangel, and it's time to let dh feel a little heat. It's not fair or strong or loving for a man to nod at his wife's worries for her and her baby's safety and then hide behind her when it comes to dealing with his mother. He may all of a sudden not be so much on your side when you cede his place as the man of the family and give him back his responsibility in dealing with his mother. But you stay strong ... And stay away from her.

She calls? Hand dh the phone. She shows up at your doorstep? Shut the door and tell dh to go outside. She writes you a letter? Return that nonsense to sender. Emails, texts, posts? Forward to dh. She wants to visit? Lots of hotels nearby. She wants to dine out? Bon appetit with that happy meal, mom. She wants to talk? You're busy, maybe some never time. Work things out? You're busy doing actual work. Have some kind of attack? Life alert, you're busy.

If it's a nerve wracking thought ("what if I lose dh to mil? What if I'm being unfair? What if I'm depriving my child?") tap into that hellfire, girl! Raise some yourself, because that's what a strong, loving, protective mama bear does, and she feels right good about it!