10 years and I don't know who I am anymore

[novelambitions]

I am in a ten-year marriage that I feel trapped in at least until I finish my education so I can work to support my four children. I was previously in a marriage where I was physically abused, and for me, it was much easier to see that and know it was wrong. But here I am ten years later realizing I've been emotionally and mentally abused since I was nineteen. I can't look at myself anymore, I'm disgusted with where I am. I'm hateful, resentful, mean, and just vile or I feel that way. I stopped just saying nothing, but in return, I've made myself even more like him. Except his was all so passive or discreet, and I feel like mine spews forth like a volcano. I hate this woman I've become by being with this man. I'm so tired; I've tried to "fix" to be there to wait it out just anything for it to be better. But the reality is this is just who he is. I caught him cheating AGAIN recently now he's in SAA, therapy and has a sponsor, etc, but it all feels like each of those things is put in front of me to say "I'm doing the work; look at me, you're the crazy one." I've been in therapy for two years and trying to finish a bachelor's degree, but I feel like I'm underneath a boulder just waiting until I finish. I have no family, no friends, no support network, and nothing outside of my home to rely on. I'm here 24/7 with him, and he works remotely. Every day I struggle to find peace and some idea of purpose outside getting through each hour. I love him, and I hate that I love him; I hate that I feel the things I do for him the sympathy and the care. I just wish I could go back ten years and smack myself.  I'm trying to reach outside in any way that I can, I feel so alone.

[Srcyu]

Hi,
I'm sorry you feel so alone.
It's impressive that you are doing a bachelor's degree as well as being the mother of four. You are setting them a brilliant example. Your profile name suggests it might be an English Literature degree.

You don't sound 'vile' to me.

There are some very kind and insightful people here. I hope they reach out to you very soon.

[bloomie]

novelambitions - adding a warm welcome to you. So thankful you have reached out and yet so sorry for the trials you are facing in your marriage.

Something in your post... the place you describe finding yourself in while responding to your H... I understand that place. I really do.

it helped me a lot to learn about trauma responses. It helped me a lot to begin to recognize that when feeling trapped and dealing with ongoing mistreatment, betrayal and broken trust over time we develop ways to cope that are sometimes not in line with our usual character and demeanor. Oh, and then the shame washes over us as we don't even recognize ourselves. It's a painful cycle. It is very heartbreaking to find ourselves living this way.

I wanted to pop in a resource that has helped me to learn more if you are interested:
https://lifestance.com/blog/four-types-trauma-response/

and another link to an article that describes Trauma Bonding really well:
https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

There are many really good articles at the above site that may be validating and helpful to you.

In the meantime, we are here and we will support you as you focus on your goals of completing your degree and determining what your future is going to look like as you gain understanding, self compassion, and validation for this difficult journey you are on.

See you out there on the forum boards!!