Snooping

[Cat of the Canals]

For as long as I've been reading about PDs, and especially PD in-laws, I've come across many posts about intrusive MILs who snoop in their adult child's home. This was one of those, "Well, at least she's never done that" things. Until their most recent visit, that is.

The second day of the visit, the ILs came back to our house for dinner after an outing. MIL was in the bathroom (or so I thought), and I walked into the kitchen, which has a clear view of the guest bathroom door. After maybe half a minute, MIL suddenly came into view, except she didn't come out of the bathroom -- instead, she came from one of the rooms opposite the bathroom.

I had a momentary "that's strange" feeling, mostly from seeing her come from an unexpected place. I really think I would have forgotten it happened at all if she'd simply played it cool. But MIL doesn't know how to play it cool.

As soon as she spotted me in the kitchen, she sputtered, "I got lost!"



The thing is, you can't get lost. The moment you step out of the guest bathroom, you can either leave via the hallway or enter the two spare rooms we use as offices. It's not confusing in the slightest. Not to mention the fact that even if she had gotten "lost," I would have seen her come out of the bathroom in the first place, then come straight back down the hallway after making her mistake.

The irony is, I wouldn't have cared if she'd poked her head in one of the rooms to take a peek. We have nothing to hide. But I do care that she felt guilty enough about what she was doing to try to cover her tracks by lying to my face.

So I'm wondering how many of your PDs are snoopers?

[NarcKiddo]

My mother! OMG she is the biggest snoop ever. Sometimes she seems proud of it. She got really angry some years ago because she had found and  read my father's diary and he had written some less than complimentary things about her. She didn't tell him but complained to me.

[moglow]

🙋🏻‍♀️ Md is a hard core, completely unapologetic snoop. By her apparent reasoning, having given birth gave her free rein over any and all things regarding her children. The biggest I recall, centers around her staying in my house after her husb #2/my dear stepfather passed. (My parents divorced when I was 10ish, she remarried shortly after.) They'd been divorced 25+ years when Daddy passed, and I had substantial responsibility regarding the settlement of his estate.

Md not only read mail addressed to "estate of," but she'd open the mail while I was at work and ask questions about it when I got home. In depth questions, while she'd stand there demanding answers and telling me what I needed to do. She expected to be included in any hearings, correspondence, discussions etc and demanded to know why not. After all, shed raised his children (all in our mid 30s by this time).

Um NO! She'd spent all those years after the divorce and even in the months after his passing, referring to my Daddy as the son of a bitch. She had no rights there! Ugly confrontations ensued and it did finally give me the opening to tell her flat out: don't you ever refer to Daddy by that or any other derogatory term in my presence again. To her credit, I don't recall another instance of that.

[easterncappy]

I used to think that my mom wasn't a snooper. Not in the traditional sense... if she read my diaries and text messages, I didn't know about it. I was also trained to just tell her stuff if she asked, even if it was really inappropriate, so she didn't need to. Took me until this year to realize I don't need to tell her everything she wants to hear.

She did snoop around people's houses just to find stuff to criticize. Everyone was dirty, not a good cook, had stupid things in their house, had ugly furniture. Only her taste, skills, and hygiene habits were acceptable.

One time she tore my room up looking for her immigration papers, after I told her that I didn't have them. Why would I? I never once touched her immigration papers nor did I care to. She implied that I took them to sabotage her... she later admitted that she found them under her bed. I thought the implied accusation was weird... now I understand that it's projection, because that's something she'd probably do to someone.

I tried to lock the door a couple of times when I was a teenager and she told me that no child of hers will have privacy in her house. She'd beat on the door and yell at me pretending to be concerned for my well-being.

[losingmyself]

H. Biggest and poorest snooper ever.
Reapeats things he read from texts with DD.
When I ask how he knows such thing (I know), he tries to imply that it's because he can read my mind. (Insert eye roll)
After I delete it, he says "You know when you delete texts, they stay in your trash."
Thanks for the heads up...

[Pepin]

CN MIL wasn't a house snooper...but she was a personal snooper.  She had a knack for prying into the personal lives of people and then sharing it with others as if it were the telephone game.  She was extremely clever around DH and divulged lots of personal info that absolutely remained in our marriage only.  That being said, our home would be too difficult for her to snoop through as it is too complex to find stuff the way it is organized -- and I think she was actually somewhat illiterate.  She's been in the main areas of the house and that's all she has seen, really.  Her greatest resource was to use her waifery to get info. - and she sure did because DH fell for it every time...  

[Catothecat]

My uNPDexh was raised by a boundary stomping, meddling, snooping narc of a mother so whenever she came around her behavior was regarded as normal and just what mothers do.  The interesting thing about her behavior was that she really didn't hide it.  Sometimes she could be subtle or sometimes she could be overt, but one way or another she found a way to let us know that we had no secrets from her as long as she had access to our home.  I loathed letting her through the door because I knew what would ensue, and yet I felt powerless to do anything because as far as my ex was concerned, she could do as she pleased because she could do no wrong.  Interestingly, she most often showed up unannounced even though it was a 60 or so mile drive to where we lived.   I felt like she was trying to catch us unawares, which now I am certain was the intention.  She was looking for evidence to prove I wasn't good enough for her beloved son!

The earliest red flag I had of her behavior occurred early in our marriage when we were staying at the IL's house for the holidays and one morning she walks into the bedroom (doesn't knock, just walks in) and asks when we're getting out of bed.  Like we were a couple of children.  I was horrified but my ex didn't bat an eye.  Again, just what mothers do.  (I know that technically this isn't snooping but it was certainly on the spectrum of her behavior!)

[Pepin]

Interestingly, she most often showed up unannounced even though it was a 60 or so mile drive to where we lived.   I felt like she was trying to catch us unawares, which now I am certain was the intention.  She was looking for evidence to prove I wasn't good enough for her beloved son!

CN MIL was also classic for doing this.  She would show up an hour earlier than the agreed upon time, hoping to catch DH and myself in something that could be used against me.  And yeah, when she showed up like that we were either relaxing before her visit, cleaning up, or prepping for whatever meal we'd be serving.  Essentially she was taking away from OUR time - and this was often when our kids were napping.

Additionally, she'd play the food card and call DH asking if she could come over immediately with something she had just made.  She never asked beforehand if we even would like her to make something.  It was just an excuse to get her foot in the door so she could assess our situation.  Clearly she was looking for anything....and there really wasn't anything to find.  My house was always cleaner, organized and maintained unlike hers.  DH and I shopped and cooked for ourselves with no problem.  We also had routines for our kids and schedules that they followed...she just wanted to shake us up.

[Catothecat]

Yep    That feeling that she was hunting for "evidence" was there from the beginning even though, time and time again, there was nothing to be found.  When she resorted to "helping clean" our place I knew she was just doing it to say later that she "had to" clean because I was such a poor housekeeper.  Didn't necessarily need to be cleaned, mind you.  She just wanted to go through the motion as her personal ah-ha moment.  And, of course, my h was always there to witness it and then wonder why our house was so dirty his dear mother had to clean it for us!  (Of course, the thought that maybe he was also responsible would never occur to him even as I was the one with the full-time job while he worked part-time on commission). 

[Cat of the Canals]

Their intrusiveness really knows no bounds. Not with spouses or children or spouses-of-children. 

CN MIL wasn't a house snooper...but she was a personal snooper.  She had a knack for prying into the personal lives of people and then sharing it with others as if it were the telephone game. 

Before this incident, this was my MIL's preferred style of snooping. Nothing is considered an inappropriate or intrusive topic in her mind. And it wasn't until fairly recently, when she told H, "I was telling the lady at the bank about BIL's problems..." that we realized when she has a juicy bit of gossip, she literally tells everyone. Including strangers, like the "lady at the bank."

I used to think that my mom wasn't a snooper. Not in the traditional sense... if she read my diaries and text messages, I didn't know about it. I was also trained to just tell her stuff if she asked, even if it was really inappropriate, so she didn't need to.

This made me think of my own PDmom... I never witnessed any snooping, but my gut says the only reason she never snooped is because it would sully her fantasy version of our relationship, which is all about how *close* we are. She wouldn't need to snoop, since I "tell her everything." In reality I told her as little as possible.

She does practically stalk me on social media at this point, which feels like a version of snooping for sure.

[donutmoonpanda]

My mom, dad, uncle, and cousin. So many snoops. That's why I hate social media. They're always in the background trying to snoop, using new screennames, using their kid's account, whatever. The internet helps them do the snooping they'd be too afraid to do in real life.

I hate feeling like I'm being spied on, in part because I was so thoroughly ignored by them for most of my life. They never listen to anything I say -- if they did, they wouldn't need to snoop on my Linkedin to see where I work. These things aren't necessarily secrets. But they suddenly care when they want to launch a hoovering campaign. It makes me feel so slimey.

[Cascade]

My PD husband is a snooper. He used to read my journal (maybe still does but it's written with me being aware he might) even though I asked him not to. He's also snooped on my phone, though now I have my phone password protected. And any time I say "happy birthday" to a mutual friend on Facebook, he'll like my post. This makes me think he pays close attention to my account. Pretty sure he snoops in my desk too.

[escapingman]

MIL openly looked at everything in our house, read any personal messages on greeting cards or even letters that was laying on the desk. She could enter our bedroom when I was getting dressed and not leave just standing there casually chatting as if she had the right to look at her son in law naked. If I tried to subtle hint that she should leave she would storm out being offended. There are so many other stories but there was zero privacy with her.

[easterncappy]

MIL openly looked at everything in our house, read any personal messages on greeting cards or even letters that was laying on the desk. She could enter our bedroom when I was getting dressed and not leave just standing there casually chatting as if she had the right to look at her son in law naked. If I tried to subtle hint that she should leave she would storm out being offended. There are so many other stories but there was zero privacy with her.

I will say it's double creepy to do that to an in-law... but still creepy to do it to your own kid. I was in my teens when I learned that it's not normal to change in front of family members, for them to peek in the shower when you're in there, to walk in the bathroom when you know someone is pooping in there, to walk around the house in underwear (I got yelled at when I suggested maybe they should at least cover up when people are over - "it's HOT! What am I supposed to do?" Have you heard of AC???), etc. I wondered why I was always uncomfortable with it is as a kid... turns out it's just instinctive. Like, human beings have always covered up nudity and had boundaries about it. Go figure. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that most normal parents even explicitly ask for consent before looking at a child's genital/butt/breast injuries/rashes/etc. when they're past toddlerhood to see if it's serious enough to go to a doctor.

Now that i think of it... traditional snooping, no. Not much. More covert snooping and complete lack of privacy? That was my whole upbringing. Like there was never anything that was just mine, not even my own body.

Their intrusiveness really knows no bounds. Not with spouses or children or spouses-of-children. 

CN MIL wasn't a house snooper...but she was a personal snooper.  She had a knack for prying into the personal lives of people and then sharing it with others as if it were the telephone game. 

Before this incident, this was my MIL's preferred style of snooping. Nothing is considered an inappropriate or intrusive topic in her mind. And it wasn't until fairly recently, when she told H, "I was telling the lady at the bank about BIL's problems..." that we realized when she has a juicy bit of gossip, she literally tells everyone. Including strangers, like the "lady at the bank."

Neither of my parents seemed to understand that professionals are supposed to have boundaries. I'd catch them complaining about personal problems to total strangers or random workers, or asking them wildly personal questions... I tried to tell them a couple of times "you can't ask the cashier about his relationship with his girlfriend, that's weird". No concept of small talk about the weather or football or whatever. My mom once tried to show a sexy video from YouTube to some male maintenance workers that showed up to fix something in our apartment... I was like 10 years old and I remember feeling such an immense sense of embarrassment that I just hid in my room. Dear God. Why would you do something like that? Her job right now requires going to client's houses and she tries to gossip with pretty much all of them about everything, from our problems to their problems. She was once the gossip messenger between several clients who knew each other until they selectively fired her over it.

[Amy-Rose]

My Mother was a snoop but doesn't have an PD

My now ex best friend was nosy in a "I'm not interested way." So she'd sneaky snoop as I called it.

I live opposite her so it's quite easy for her to literally watch my bungalow all day and know when I'm home or not, or even which room I'm in. It's awful to feel like you've no privacy. Why should I sit in darkness with curtains closed in the summer just because I don't feel like company today and I never know when a drama has happened in her life and she's looking to rope me into help? I hated thinking 'I just shouldn't have opened my curtains today.'

She seemed to know everything that went on in our street. Which was a little odd considering she was rarely home.

When we fell out, I mentioned that I knew I was being watched by her and that I would now be watching her back (concern for her dogs well-being and be reporting her if she left them overnight again) that suddenly she didn't like it. It was ok for her to snoop but when she thought she was being watched thick black out draped went up windows, doors got closed so hallway light couldn't shine through the room, car was hidden in another car park, she'd check out the window before leaving the house. Just to keep her privacy.

What about mine and others. It was ok for her to spy but she didn't like to think she was being watched obviously.

Never told me anything about her mental health but she does seem to possess some qualities of being a covert narc and have obvious compulsive problems as she was a Hoarder.